Till, like the brand for battle drawn, she fell...

Ok, last call everyone = this baby is being deleted/made completely private/SOMETHING in a day or so. So if you wanna know where I'm going...dwei_dwei -- although i might change the name or something later on -- i dont quite like it (as a username). lmao.

I have decided to delete this journal for personal reasons. Please comment on my new journal, dwei_dwei if you want to be added.

Love,
Dweia

I found your letter in my mailbox today
You were just checking if I was okay
And if I miss you, well you know what they say
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon
And I feel one coming on soon

No need to ask me if we can be friends
And help me right back on my feet again
And if I miss you, well just now and then
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon
And I feel one coming on soon

There's a blue moon shining
When I am reminded of all we've been through
Such a blue moon shining
Does it ever shine down on you?

You act as if it doesn't hurt you at all
Like I'm the only one who's getting up from a fall
Don't you remember now don't you recall
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon
And I feel one coming on soon
Just once in a very blue moon




I apologise flist - I've become a lyric whore. I just dont have the energy to write a proper entry.

"Please dont feel pathetic. I aint angry with you, not at all. I do feel that I should explain myself sometime soon though. I really feel bad for what happened. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you..."

Ok, we all know where this is going. Stupid, Jessica, STUPID.

ETA: If I had one wish I would wish for the Red Hot Chili Peppers to cover the song Chevy Van by Bread. That would just be fucking awesome.

And no, I'm not as indifferent to what just happened that I let on. I feel like a used piece of shit, for the secon time in a month. It's not a nice feeling.

'So long, everything' he shouted,
then he ran next door to Margot's house.

'I'm moving' he said.

'Where' asked Margot.

'Two weeks away' said Mitchell.

'Where is that' asked Margot.

'It's everywhere I will be after
I walk for two weeks' said Mitchell.
'I have lived in the same place for a
long time. It is time for me to go some
place else.'

'No' said Margot, 'you have only lived
next door for fifteen years.'

'Sixteen' said Mitchell.

'Fifteen, six, what's the difference'
said Margot. 'I want you to stay next
door forever.'

'I can't' said Mitchell. 'I do not want to
go wake up in the same old bedroom and
eat breakfast in the same old kitchen.
Every room in my house is the some old
room because I have been there too long.'

------------

You turn on a spindle,
you’re so much looser now but you’re no
t explaining how you’ve gained such new
repose. I touch the clasp of your locket
with its picture held, some secret you
wouldn’t tell but let it choke your neck.
So we imagine a darkness where all shapes
divide, solids changing into light with a burst
of heat so bright.

Well fine don’t you do what I want you to,
don’t degrade yourself the way that I do
because you don’t depend upon all the shit
that I use to make my moods improve.

------------

'And you look at me and think 'same old
face, same old tail, same old scale, same
old walk, same old talk' said Margot.

'No' said Mitchell, 'I like your face, tail,
scale, walk and talk.'

'I like you.'

'I like you too, said Mitchell. He walked
to the door. 'I must pack' he said.

------------

Near a sea of pianos, there were waves
of chords that crashed against the
shore in one huge and useless roar.
And there were girls bringing water,
like a dream they came to cool the
fever of my brain and soothe my
burning throat. And they made me a
necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a
string of my regrets and placed it
round my neck.

They were singing don’t you do what
you’ve wanted to, don’t destroy yourself
like those cowards do. Maybe the sun
keeps coming up because it’s gotten
used to you and your constant need for proof.

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of being the "amazing friend" and nothing else. I'm so tired of being led on, only to find out that I was getting the wrong idea completly. But it's not my fault. I'm tired of saying that I'm the one who's so fucked up, and that I'm so sorry foror being so emotional, and it's just me, and I'll get over it sometime. IM NOT OVER IT. I don't know why but I can't just shrug things like this off like everyone else seems to do. Am I stupid to let people grow in my heart to this extent? Because everytime all I end up being the clingy ex-girlfriend that just can't let go while the rest of the world just moves on like nothing has happened.

He knows I'm on rebound. He knows what I felt for him. He knows that 10 months ago, i had a choice. And I chose her. And now that it's over and I'm miserable as fuck, he lead me on for an entire FUCKING night, and he made me feel loved and like I was worth something. To him - to anyone. Christ, he even went as far as to kiss me. And then? "You are an incredible young lady and an amazing friend and, no matter what, no one can ever take that away from you." FUCK YOU CRAIG. Fuck you for being so fucking perfect and correct and making me feel like the whore in this. Again. Fuck off back to your girlfriend. I won't tell her a thing.

It's just too much to be rejected twice in a row by the very people that I put my entire fucking life into for so long.

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow.

( Collapse )

I must say that I have never had so much fun in my life.

*is typing with ridiculous le-fake nails that look very pretty but get in the way of typing*

*plonks* ... *plonk* ... *PLONK* ~scowls~

THE MATRIC DANCE(!) (equivalent of prom, leavers diner, something like that)

Kayleigh was with me the whole day, heping me to get ready and what not. Me being me, I was still sitting in my chair, half dressed - (as in my cargo pants and the top part of my dress), having my make-up done about 5 miutes before Craig arrived. Hem. I GOT ROSES!!! Beautiful blood red roses. Whee! *feels very loved* We were 45 minutes late for the before party, but there was still enough time to take photos.

Everyone looked so gorgeous at the dance.

Jez: Good Evening Mrs. McNair, Mr. McNair. *shakes hands*
McNair: Hello Jessica. You are looking very pretty tonight.
Jez: Thank you ma'm. This is my date. *points* (*HEADDESK*)
McNair: Oh? What is his name?
Jez: Oh right. *FACEPALM* Craig.
McNair: *shakes Craigs hand* I hope you have a wonderful evening.
Jez: Thank you ma'm, you too. *stalks off with poor befuddled date in tow*

Turns out that my need for alchahol in order to "bust a few moves" if I am to quote Icarus is not so needed after all. *grin* It was fun. I saw LUNGA and Nobs. :D And everyone else. Got to know Ulrich better (he played with Craig in the production of Animal Farm I went to go watch.) Great dancer. Realy really great. And then of course all my wonderful gorgeous friends. I love them all so much. We left the dance at midnight and went to Erin's to get ready for the after party. Erins sister, Lee, drove me, Erin, Craig, Mark and Natalie everywhere, and she stayed with us for the night.

Hm. Party at the Local Grill wasn't picking up. Bummed a cigarette off Mark. Only one. Craig ad I walked over to Keg but it was closed since it *was* 1am. Had an intriguing conversation about parking lots, and whether ambience should be said the french way or not. I'm always up for a good argument. Got back to the Grill, and then we all went down to Odds. Shanti, Soledad and Cris were there. SHEHATESMESHEHATESMESHEHATESME. *miserable pout/sigh/sulk* In any case, it was at Odds where things started picking up - dramatically. Even though I have found out that I indeed do not need drink to dance -- well...*grins* It just makes it *so* much more fun. I think it was at Odds where I got completely rat faced on vodka sours and jack daniels. *coughs nd averts eyes* NOOOOOO COMMENT. Odds closed at 4am. Went back up to Local Grill to find the party quite picked up. Found Ulrich and danced al the Alchahol out of my system. Well, not all but hey.

We left at 5:30am with the idea of going back to Erins house to watch the sunset...heh. As soon as we got back, me and Natalie passed out on Erins bed, and the others followed suit. Woke up at 8:40. I had such a great night/morning, it was such incredible fun.

Got back home at around 10am. I CANT SLEEP. hm. what to do what to do. *listens to Radiohead and gets all emotional by herself* *sings and strikes dramatic pose*

And for good measure, and because Anthony Kiedis is definitely someone I would want to shag right now...


Live Shirtless Anthony is Sex... I mean Love

Colour bar by taro_p_chan



THIRTY ONE SCHOOL DAYS LEFT. Freedom is withing my grasp! *cackles insanely*

Ugh. Bed. NOW.

(Photos to follow. Lots and lots and lots)

Kayleigh is going to kill me if she knows I'm making this entry, since I promised her that i would go to bed as soon as I get home. *hem*

I've just watched Peter Pan. I have reached 3 conclusions:

- I want to have Jason Isaac's babies
- Yes, I am a paedophile at a times
- I am greatly tempted to ship Hook/Smee

Smee! *squees wildly* hem, yes. As I say, Jason Isaacs...*licks lips*

Well, Matric dance is tomorrow. I'm nervous as shit and I need some sleep. I need to resist the temptation to watch the tape about WEREWOLVES I have infront of me. Also, must NOT rape my WIN MX just yet. Although I have indulged. *happy sigh*

first the mic then a half cigarette
singing Cathy's clown
that's the man she's married to now
that's the girl that he takes around town
she appears composed, so she is, I suppose
who can really tell
she shows no emotion at all
stares into space like a dead china doll

I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow

now she's done and they're calling someone
such a familiar name
I'm so glad that my memories remote
'cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
here it is the revenge to the tune
you're no good
you're no good, you're no good, you're no good
can't you tell that it's well understood

I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow

I'm here today and expected to stayon and on and on
I'm tired, I'm tired

looking out on the substitute scene
still going strong
XO, mom, it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
tell Mr. Man with impossible plansto just leave me alone
in the place where I make no mistakes
in the place where I have what it takes

I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
but I'm gonna love you anyhow

The dance is Saturday night!! *huge gigantic uncontrollable WIBBLE*

Well, good news is that I'm really happy with my dress, so theres no worrying about that anymore. Now I can move on to everyone else. Hm. I hate these big events, it's so much stress and what not. I'm just so glad I'm not one of those girls who have based their entire school career on their matric dance. It's so completely over-rated, and of course just ONE NIGHT. Sorry to dissapoint ladies. In any case, I should have a good time - Craig is really going through a lot of trouble.

Suzanne, Fiona, Lisa and I went to watch Boys High perform with the Camerata. They really sang well. We saw Wiehan, Aida, Leon and Christo - you can see he's sad. They came to give us all hugs hello and so on. Despite everything I feel sorry for him. He admitted it was his fault, which is a big thing for Christo to do. *sigh* In any case, Boys High sang really well, and our beautiful gumbooters danced to Tinandoza and so on. *tears* After interval we went to sit with the Boys High crowd and had a lot of fun. Camerata sang LEONARDO DREAMS OF HIS FLYING MACHINE by (you've probably guessed by now) ERIC WHITACRE. I have a great need to confess my undying love for this piece. It's just beautiful beyond description. They also sang this really great Finnish song, which I enjoyed a lot. Ah, Camerata. I just love going to choir performances. Yes I'm a geek. So what? :p

So tomorrow the matrics get to celebrate 40 days -- only it isn't 40 days...it's like 32 days or something, and the school thinks that if they do it on another day there won't be any ... disturbances as such. Ha. In any case, it's only a civvies day. Woo hoo. And Brody still texts to ask me what I'm going to wear. I don't care what I'm going to wear christ. Why does everyone else plan these things weeks before the time?? It's just CLOTHES. *is very exasperated*

I am re-discovering my love for Tool. I do this frequently. They will always be my favourite band. *nods decisively while humming to Sober* Maynard, your voice is unreal. My fuck.

"I'm to connected to you
to slip away
to fade away
Days away I still feel you
touching me
changing me

and considerately killing me."

*enter epic guitar riff* *jez goes mad with love*

"Without the skin, beneath the storm
under these tears, the walls came down"

*le sigh* my god this is what you call MUSIC> ( i apologise, I'm busy commentating the song again. hem.)

icarusinwax!!! I saw a SPOCK SHIRT at the shops today. And he was doing the Vulcan hand signal!! Argh!!! :D

"Queen to......" I wish I had my Star Trek tape here. *glares at Icarus*

"Spock, a shag if you're not to busy."
"Of course, Captain. Requesting permission to take you out of that dashing space uniform."
"I'm obliged."
"Fascinating."


I NEED SLEEP. ~signing out~




bbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzt*

Guh. I hate being sick. Unfortunately I have already taken today off school, so tomorrow isn'tan option. Meh.

I went for the final fitting of my dress today. Meh. Just meh. I like it, I really do. I dunno, maybe I just remembered it differently - or maybe my moral and self confidence just isn't as high as it was/should be. In any event, I hope its ok. Big events - guh. *wibbles uncontrollably*

"Dancing Lessons" --hem hem. It was fun. Neither Craig nor myself are very...proficient at it -- so it just ended up being a whole lot of fun. I haven't laughed so much for a while. And LUNGA was there with Nobantu! *bounces* Something about the boy just want to make me squish his cheek. Craig is going to try get out of a choir performance tomorrow night so he can go to the dancing again. This is after I told him not to, so if he get's into any shit, it's not my fault. :D And I have a calculus tutor! *cheers* Ok, so it doesn't really boost my moral that he's doing matric work, and getting it done better than I am, but I honestly need the help. Hm.

And we bought long black gloves & a beautiful black shawl today. whee.

That's all I have to say. The black void that is school awaits me. I bid thee goodnight.