I remember exactly what happened this day last year.
My gramma wanted to have a family picnic on Sunday, which happened to be 9/11/05. My gramma's sister was sick, so they decided not to travel up to St. Marys that weekend. I had to work, so I said, "I'll come up Friday night when I get off of work." I regret changing my plans that weekend. I regret telling my Grandmother that I had to work and would be come up the following weekend. I regret not being there with my Grandmother when she died of a heart attack 2am the following morning.
It kills me knowing that I was supposed to be there and I wasn't. It kills me knowing that she died and I wasn't there with her. She had emphysema. I expected to go through the dreadful life support mess with her when it was her time. But as I told her goodnight, and that I loved her, and I'd see her in a few days.. I didn't know those would be my last words to her.
I remember getting the phone call, from my mother, to tell me what had happened. I remember falling to the floor, not being able to speak. I remember calling Patrick, frantically screaming into the answering machine. I remember Patrick holding me, trying to calm me down. I remember sitting in the bathtub, numb. I remember people coming to my house, with food and gifts for me and my family. I remember going shopping for a dress to bury my Grandmother in.
I remember every moment I had with my gramma. I loved her so much, and I can't believe it's been a year since she's passed away. It was way too soon.. but I'm so thankful she didn't suffer. But it's still just as painful for me as it was this night last year, when the phone rang.
I still haven't been able to come to terms with not being there that weekend. I was supposed to be up there, and that was Grandparent's Day for pete's sake. But no, I changed the plans. I had to work, so I said I'd come up the following weekend. Who would've thought?
My gramma is buried like 2 minutes from Patrick's house, in Round Hill Cemetary. We've designed a beautiful headstone, pink granite, with an angel on it praying, because she always said that i was her 'Angel'. She was laid to rest on a beautiful hillside, overlooking trees and a ranch from Round Hill Park. But she is not there. She is with me, everywhere I look, everytime I turn around, I can feel her near me.
I just want my gramma to know how much I love her and how much she is missed. I know she is looking out for me now, with my daddy. I have the most gorgeous angels watching over me.
Patrick's working 3-12... like every night.. so I'm at my house, on the couch, doing laundry and watching SVU all night. At least I'm able to use the laptop here with a wireless signal from a neighbor. It keeps me from falling asleep while watching tv. But anyway, I was on vacation this past week so I've had a nice break. Wednesday I went to visit Bethany, Tauby, AJ & Matt in IUP. It was awesome seeing those guys again! It's been way too long.. we all went out to dinner together then Matt had to go to a rehersal or meeting for an opera he's in in November. Tauby drove around and showed me the IUP campus, then went back to their house. Bethany & Taubs went to Italy for a month this summer and they showed me pics from their trip. We watched a movie then I had to head back home.. I had a great time tho. Everyone has changed.. it was great catching up with them. Thursday Patrick was actually off work so we went to the zoo for the day. We haven't been to the zoo since we first started dating! It was a nice, relaxing day together. We went to Friday's for dinner.. they changed Happy Hour on us!! They took our favorite chicken items off the happy hour menu :( and we were not happy. But the fried mac & cheese is good.. Friday I went to Family Values with my cousin Katie. She had tickets for her and her boyfriend but they broke up so she asked me to go with her. We had a good time.. I've never seen Korn in concert before and they put on an awesome show! Chino came out and sang with Jonathan Davis for a song too. Stone Sour was really good. I only know the song of theirs that they play on the radio but I liked their other stuff as well. It was a good concert. Starlake has a booth now where they sell Primanti's sandwiches!
As I sit on the couch, watching Law & Order SVU, with the dryer running in the basement, I'm waiting for midnight to come so I can go pick up my Mr. Walgreens Assistant Manager who has to work suck-ass shifts.
*************************but its only 20 more days till Brenda & I are @ MSU visiting our Christina for the homecoming game!
i am so worn out i have to hang in there for another month
i tried to quit DG but of course, it didn't work Patrick's mom was promoted to store manager and im happy for her and i want to quit because its not even worth it to me to stay there and i don't have a life outside of work, work, and school
i miss my friends and i feel useless to them i wish i could be in GA with chani i wish i could be in MI with christina i wish i could see jen again i wish i could visit aj, beth, matt & tauby in IUP
i wish i could HAVE A DAY OFF and do whatever the fuck i want i wish i could sit here on the computer all day long and not get dressed and not go anywhere and just be a bum
but i have to make a stupid, pointless, rushed entry to maintain contact, let you guys know that i'm still alive and thinking of you all... hurry up and check my email, and my bank account
pay my bills all in a matter of like a spare 20 minutes i have on my hands when i should be doing homework
i owe patrick my entire associate's degree for helping me with my fucking english class
i can't wait for may to come, with the end of classes, my 21st birthday, and a summer to start a new life in
dont get me wrong, i love it. i just dont have time to do anything between being there mon-fri and class mon-thurs nights then work DG fri-sun. when do i have time to do homework?
poor patrick had to write a paper for me last week. he's too good to me.. doing my homework.
blah i want to sleep. sleep for a long long time. and its only monday. i got to sleep in yesterday and im already worn out for the week.
i'll get a system goin one of these days. i'll stop procrastinating...
I start next Mon, on the 6th. I'm so excited about this job.. I'm sure Patrick is too... he won't have to pay my bills anymore lol
I'm gonna work DG fri & sat nights.. gimmie some extra $$ for a tank of gas each week. That's about all I'd make there anyway.
I am hoping to visit GA and MI sometime this summer/fall... after my 90 days i'll have 2 weeks paid vacation, 7 personal days, benefits, 401k.. what more could i ask for? feb will basically be a 9-5 mon-fri, i'll have to work a few nights here and there.
ok so im sleepin cos its my day off and all... and the phone rings. so, thinking its my mother i just lay there, waiting for the answering machine to pick up. and then all i hear is, "Hi Destiny this is Marie from Pediatric Alliance.. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.." and of course I fly out of bed and grab the phone! To make a long story short, she said she's very interested and would like to set up an interview for Friday afternoon.
GUYS THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK OUT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!
I love my aunt natalie I couldn't thank her enough for setting this all up for me **********************************************************
How fuckin cool is that?? I'm off the next 3 days in a row b/c DG blows ass but I better enjoy it... they might be the last 3 days off in a row that I'll have for a while. lol I don't even care.. I don't care that I'll have to get up super early and go to work.. I don't care that I will have the craziest ass schedule I've ever had.. I don't care that I'm gonna try to work both jobs and go to school.. It's all worth it. And I can't wait, to get that job, and waltz thru JCP stickin it up their ass sideways. I'm gonna succeed more than I ever did there. AND I'm gonna be appreciated for the work I do. I might actually be able to catch up on my bills yo'. ...........and not only that, I'll get to see cute lil babies all day long!
my friends were home, and gone again.. i didn't even get to see all of them (bethany!) :( time with chani is always too short we always have fun with christina too
i miss my friends so incredibly much i miss the way things were about 3 years ago.. how much fun we used to have not having as many worries or cares (as many bills!) spending all our time at king's, denny's or eat-n-park together just driving around wasting gas because it wasn't $2.40 a gal then blasting the radio, goofing off in the car
where did we go? we drifted apart.. ya we keep in touch but its just not the same when we met up and went to the movies at the waterfront last year.. don't u think that was akward? it makes me sad i really miss my curly g, aj, rosie, matt, tauby, g, marcail, jen... everyone
i don't know how patrick deals with me 24/7 he's all i have day in and out i am so thankful that we are together i am blessed
this year my resolution is to rebuild our frienships and maintain them.. i love you all and want you to be apart of my life again i miss u terribly
Chani- i <3 this song.... i think u need to hear it.. the lyrics themselves don't do justice
Summer time and the wind is blowing Outside in lower Chelsea And I don't know What I'm doing in this city, The sun is always in my eyes It crashes through the windows, And I'm sleeping on the couch When I came to visit you That's when I knew I could never have you I knew that before you did Still I'm feeling stupid
And there's this burning, Like there's always been I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by, Cigarette ash flies in your eyes And you don't mind And you smile, And say the world doesn't fit with you. I don't believe you, You're so serene Careening through the universe, Your axis on a tilt, Guiltless and free I hope you take a piece of me with you
And there's things I'd like to do that you don't believe in I would like to build something, You know it's never going to happen And there's this burning, Like there's always been I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive, And there's this burning, There is this burning
Where's the soul, I want to know New York City is evil The surface is everything, But I could never do that Someone would see through that And this will be the last time, We'll be friends again I'll get over you and you'll wonder, Who I am
And there's this burning, Like there's always been I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive
I go home to the coast, It starts to rain, I paddle out on the water, Alone Taste the salt and taste the pain, I'm not thinking of you again Summer dies and swells rise, The sun goes down in my eyes See this rolling wave, Darkly coming to take me, Home
And I never been so alone, And I've never been so alive
sad
relieved
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
determined