Yesterday unequivocally sucked ass. I burst into tears three times. I am sick. I have a summer head cold that doesn't want to respond to any reasonable medication and makes me cranky.

I was informed that one of my play partners is going to be away for six months on business, which was hard enough, but then straight on the heels of that when I mentioned the dreaded "l" word because I didn't want him to go away without knowing that, he mentioned his heart still lies elsewhere. But let's keep in as close touch as possible and get on each other's calendars whenever we can, right? Oh and btw, I'm still trying to get work in Europe, as you know.

In other words:

Never forget that no matter how good I make you feel and how right you feel with me, this is a very very temporary and fleeting arrangement that is never going to be stable and secure.

I'd given up, you know, on finding anyone who could bring out my submission and fulfill all of my masochistic needs. Given up. I hadn't gone into this even expecting that, I'd asked for one scene.

Vamoose. Gone. Just gone.

Just like having found it oh so briefly with vicious_kind, just like having found it oh so briefly with D.

It's been five weeks and three days since I last sat at his feet.

I had given up on this and now, again, it's a raw gaping wound.

Miaow Miaow says, "You are so much more you when you have that. So much more at peace and balanced, so much happier."

Yes. That.

But I know how difficult it is to find anyone with that much chutzpah, let alone experience.... not to mention someone who will not take offense to the fact that I can only give this part time. It is only part of who I am. The evil sadist bitch needs her airtime too.

So I am sad, and weepy.


There were two private responses to my post about the man from Germany questioning my judgment. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. I suppose I shouldn't have been hurt, but I was. As much as I try to live my life in a way that doesn't look for other people's approval, I do expect their understanding. And it always hurts when I am slammed up against a brick wall of not only incomprehension but being treated as if I am not an adult, as if I don't know how to weigh out my decisions, as if I don't have good judgment.

On the outside, it was ridiculous to pick everything up and move to New Orleans. Ludicrous.

On the outside, it was ridiculous nine years before that when I picked up everything and moved from Seattle to Oakland.

On the outside, it was ridiculous that I made friends here in New Orleans online before I ever stepped foot off the plane, who I then met up with and have spent much of my life here with.

On the outside it was ridiculous that before both of these moves I went to tarot readers for confirmation that I was making the right decision.

My point is that many times the decisions I make are because I follow my instincts. Sometimes those decisions are wrong, but those times are rare and when they occur I rectify the situation.

I don't want to be ego proud and say, "I'm not like other people", but I will say that I don't always make decisions in ways that make sense to other people. I have to feel them through before I rationally analyze them. And that will always be the order I use. First feel, then look rationally. Because I can't live with decisions that are made solely on a rational basis, I've tried. If they don't feel right, no amount of them being the "logical" "rational" thing to do is going to make them feel any better.

But I do make these rational assessments, and I do try to include all the variables. I do determine risk. I do a risk analysis. I look at what I stand to lose vs. what I stand to gain. I even look at whether what I'm doing is the right, ethical thing to do in terms of the Buddhist idea of "right action".

The bottom line is when I'm feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed and I come here to share that, I share because I'm looking for support. And no, I'm not looking for my friends to be yes men and say, "Oh yeah, since your gut says jump off a cliff that's gotta be the right course of action."

But I have been meeting people from online for the past thirteen years. It is always a crap shoot. And yes, it could all be a lie on their end, when I am bringing what is real on mine. But does that make the moments together any less real? Does that make what I feel called to do as a Priestess any less real? The only person I get to control is me. The only heart I get to control is mine. The only ideals I have to live up to are my own.

We have this thing we didn't have twenty years ago called the internet. It allows us to touch people's lives continents away. In my experience, yes, for some people it is something to hide behind. But for others, it is a way to reach out and be honest in ways they don't feel capable of reaching out in their day to day lives. Ways to find community that they wouldn't be able to find any other way.

Do you get to question my judgment? Sure. But I suggest that you make sure you have the whole story before you do so and I assure you, one LJ post on a topic will never equal the whole story with me. So I suggest that if you're concerned, you ask to know more and reserve judgment until you have all the details.

I suggest that you never assume that I am some helpless naieve child who needs protecting from the big bad world because that assumption will bite you in the ass, every time.

If the choice is between doing the Goddess' work and risking being hurt, and not doing her work.... that is no choice. My choice is to serve.

If the choice is to meet the needs I can of those who reach out to me, or turn a deaf ear and a hard heart to their pain, that is no choice.

My life is about service. I don't serve because other people are worthy. I serve because it's in my heart to serve. I serve because it's my calling.

None of us are worthy of the love, devotion or service of another. We have all made mistakes, we have all failed, we have all hurt other people during the course of our lives.

Service is a mitzvah. Service is an act of karma. Service is a kindness.

We can only choose whether to love and give in the moment, based on the information that is presented to us. I don't believe that love is ever the wrong choice, that giving is ever the wrong choice, even when it hurts.