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Late night musings...
8 June 2026 11:04 pm.jpg)
Went through The Pit again on AO3 and was surprised to find some decent commentary, even with all the complaints I left behind. Going back in time and watching how nutbar I got was less embarrassing than I remembered. I am still not surprised especially upon recognizing how damn Ones and Zeros everyone became so quickly. but the stats are still nuts all around. I really need to heal from this damned disease and get the proper remedial touches that work. Then? A proper Sociologist to work out some kind of bloody practical solutions and ideas to accumulate the adequate team for the kind of narrative discussion necessary since that is how I operate. The main idea was like minds and friendship anyway.
Now I even understand WHY all the likes and kudos is total BS to me, too.
I was harshly raised to understand very immediately that Group, or worse, Mass Approval is VERY UN-trustworthy, VERY. Then going over other reviews of straight up approval and nothing narrative attached helps me see how that would make me explode, too. Getting quaint pats on the head was disturbing, in retrospect, I'm not proud, but I do recognize how petty all the basic, simple approval is/was. No substance just random happy-face cartoon-heads, which in a creepier sense makes one feel surrounded by circus clowns, the real ones! (((shudder))) But the other thing is that obnoxious school kids feeling, and many of the souls I share deeper commonalities with were relieved as hell to graduate and get the hell away from crap like that. I remember expressing my relief in cap and gown by jumping into the nearby fountain where the ceremony was held. (Hot weather anyway, it was nice to cool off.)
I prefer approval that is more meaningful because the smaller more private group Understands details and minutia we find in common, we celebrate the less common humour we all share. Like beloved Lisa and the VW thing. We only connected in 2014 and sure enough SHE had the same feeling about those damned VW initials, always thinking "Volkswagon???" Long before we ever encountered each other. It is a scrap example but still an example.
And then, also understanding why I get the pariah treatment: people rushing to look for what Others think of Daryl and what bad mouthing goes on or link sharing BS to find The Worst in someone and how easily swayed folks are, especially the folks who claim not to care what others think of them. They do care, otherwise they wouldn't post how much they don't care, publicly, it's still a seek for some kind of toughie-approval. When I look back I mainly remember saying that to someone who is trying to shock me for reaction to tell me what people complain about on the topic of me. Mainly I would respond with "God, please, don't waste my time with it." As I truly have experienced deluges of nitpicking since grade school anyway, most of which was subjective on that level of pre-puberty and such, hardly something to take very seriously as the grown ups kept claiming.
What they think? Who was ever thinking? It was more deciding what potential group thought was worth saying or what was the closest estimate to the group thought, whether or not it was true or even decided on. The need to have some opinion whether real or imagined was where I noticed the least amount of confidence anyway. From kids to full grown adults, who might even have grandchildren, equally as uncertain of their feelings as were the children, which is so awkward to watch happen.
I know I said constructive praise, but the plain praise alone gets kinda tiring and boring. I enjoy a happy greeting at times but there is a good reason Auntie and I hate "How are you?" It's too complicated, man, it just is. But how-de-do is doable. And I had to explain that in appointments, too. Cripes, you're going to appointments feeling shitty and no one can help change that, so answering, "Fine, How are you?" It doesn't compute! And it's maddening!
If I can get the proper treatments and improve to par again, all I'd like is to be allowed my own choices and not have expectations to sit and eat all the time. I want to be active and vital and creative and write far more than the surprising amount I have achieved tonight. It was very pleasant to drink a Clearly Canadian soft drink again and while watching The Kids In The Hall. We finished season five tonight, too. Damn it was good to view Milligan and Hecubus again, too. I couldn't have done it without you boys, all'y'all! And that's the truth! The Kids in The Hall blessed me and my own Pit to success and glory, the freedom to be wacky and wild and fit the pieces together. That's the other thing to add. Retroactive points for Hecubus of what "My Name is..." lines he forgot to rack on his score sheet. There's one from Sam in 18 and a few from 12 he missed, I'm sure there are more.
And I thought again tonight, "What the hell do I care to throw insults at a miserable vampire for not loving some broad?" And what does anyone care? really?
I hope this was an enjoyable entry. Take care, everyone. ^_^
