i'm starting to fall in love with bananas again. and apples. they are so sweet and crunchy and bananas are sweet and soft and filling, even though my stomach feels empty, i've already eaten enough today. tomorrow is banana and...little snacks for lunch. this whole restricting but not counting calories and eating healthy when i feel i'm going to binge is really helping. tomorrow is day 4 and then the weekend. my goal right now is not to binge on the weekend. and fast on saturday, or have very little because i'm planning on drinking that night. if i fast however, the alcohol will go more quickly to my system, i will get drunk faster off much less and therefore not go over 500 calories.
nothing seems to really matter anymore. i only do easy things. i dont even try at the hard things. its good to do easy things because i can usually just focus on food for the day and saying no and staying thin. i will be thin. and then i will be perfect. i dont deserve anything, i cant even have anything, until im perfect, since nobody likes me anyway.
i'm going to get a lot of sweat pants at goodwill. i cant stand feeling so gross and huge all the time, and sweat pants make me feel like i can hide all my fat. plus i really like my stretch pants. :). they make it so my fat doesnt jiggle around all nasty like.
hmph. i'm doing okay. 123 this morning. lower, but not under 120. ugh, cant wait til i break that. i'm doing very well with restricting except for today, but i was asked to eat. i'll have control now through sunday and even after that so its alll good :)
fasting. absolutely. and then NOT bingeing. i dont even know...i just undid all my hard work. but this time i wont there's NO way. i know i'm going 3 days. 2 of them are work. starting today...i can make up some lie about dinner not hard. and then thursday...robotics? yeah. i supposed to be under 120 by friday...how am i gonna pull that? i'll do it! i will.
i'm disgusting. i will have control this week. actually, screw fasting for 4 days, i'm going the whole week. i'm definitely fasting before both the homecomings...i've gotta fit into the dress somehow....good that i'm fasting this whole week too maybe i'll be tiny enough when i go shopping for hc dress
had a binge tonight...not too bad. but parents fucking made me eat dinner. i cut up in little tiny pieces and only ate a little bit and then my step dad was like...EAT. and i didnt want them jumping down my throat again about having an ed (they dont know)...so i just did. and then they watched me eat cookies and ice cream...gag. i could have died. at least i went to the gym yesterday and today even though i was soreeee i pushed myself :) going tomorrow tuesday and wednesday too. SCORE. think i'm gonna start on 2468 at some point soon. going on a 3 day fast next week starting next monday...not tomorrow. so we'll see yayyyy.
sigh, i'm not 107 yet.
drained