cptlbryant

I didn't realize it had been over a year since I'd posted here. Remember how I once said I was going to post more often? I guess that fell apart somewhere. I think about LiveJournal often though and try to check in to make sure my blog hasn't been hacked.

So my reason for posting is the subject.

I'm feeling very much forgotten lately. So much has happened since I last wrote. I got a promotion at work, I lost my office mate and my only office friend, my aunt tried to connect with me again, a bunch of medical stuff.

This perimenopause crap is the worst thing in my life right now. I'm missing periods, my hormones are all over the place, sometimes I feel like sobbing and somethings I feel like I'm standing under a heat lamp. The hot flashes I can handle. In the summer they are frustrating, but the rest of the time it's tolerable. However, the depression and anxiety I go through is unbearable. I've already talked to my doctor and nothing can really be done right now. She's reluctant to put me on any hormones and I don't blame her. I don't know that I want to be on them until I have an episode that is so extreme that I feel like curling up on the floor and dying. It's almost a daily struggle. I'm in the midst of the downswing right now and I'll be glad to feel slightly normal again.

I stepped into my new role at work January 1st. There's a lot of different things happening, but I like it. I like it a lot more than what I used to do. I'm working with a database and working on how it works and the best way to utilize it. Data entry and running reports. There are a few hitches I'm noticing with my position and haven't really resolved them yet.

My office mate, Deb, left a few months ago for another job. My new office mate is nice, but not Deb. I miss having an office friend. I really don't have that anymore. It makes for a lonely day sometimes.

My uncle passed away a while ago, in 2018 I think, and my aunt sent me a crazy card inviting me to the funeral (which was in Portland on a work day) and outlined all of this stuff about my leaving the family. She sent it to my work (she doesn't know where I live) and I had Deb read it. Deb gave me this look like, "WTF?!" She outlined what she thought and it was all I was thinking too. My aunt is nuts. I then took it to my counselor and told her I wanted her to keep the card in my file because I want to "evidence," but I don't want it in my house. She thought the card was crazy too by the way. And I didn't even attempt to go to funeral because I was working.

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea at the beginning of the year and I had to do about 4 sleep studies. In office sleep studies are really awkward and weird, by the way. However the accommodations are very nice. Kind of like a Holiday Inn, but with medical equipment. After all of the studies, I was told I had about 9 instances of apnea per hour which means I stop breathing 9 times per hour while sleeping. Usually it's obstructive. I was given a CPAP machine which delivers oxygen constantly through the night to help you sleep. Basically, what happens, is if you have apnea you never make it to a full cycle of sleep and you are always tired. My clinician told me one of my tests showed that I never once made it to REM sleep all night. That scared me. I've been on my machine for almost 90 days and there are good and bad days. This week with the hormone crap, it's been pretty bad. I downloaded and app that connects to my machine (freaky Big Brother stuff there) and it tells me how I did giving me a score from 1-100. I was told I can also download a program that will take that data and turn it into more detailed info about when I had an episode and for how long. I continue to wait for my bill for this machine. I have to money in an FSA account (Flexible Spending through my employer) just waiting. I haven't been spending anything just waiting for the big bill telling me how much I have to shell out for this machine. I was quoted $250 at the beginning of all of this, but I'm worried it's more. Keep in mind that I have to pay 10% and insurance pays the rest. That is an expensive freaking machine! But it may keep me from never sleeping again.

Overall I'm just tired and sad. I wish I had friends. I mean more friends close by. I don't really have anyone to talk to. When I have questions about life stuff, I go to Facebook and find a group. I am a member of a Depression and Bipolar support group, Sleep Apnea support, Menopause, and a million cat groups. I realized the other day that I have not one female figure I can go to and say, these things are happening to my body, is this normal? I just feel alone right now.

I'm also super paranoid lately. The other night Chester had an episode of something I have no idea. He acted like he couldn't breath and I just held him and patted his back thinking he had a hairball. It passed and he seemed fine. I've been watching him closely ever since. Every little odd thing I grab him and look him over. I check him for any injuries. I decided to start closing the toilet lid in case he's playing in the toilet (as he was starting to do last night). But I also get really jumpy about people being around my house. I don't know why. And I'm afraid my landlord is going to evict me. All stuff that apparently weighing on my subconscious. Nothing I actually need to worry about.

Well, I think my lunch is over and I should get back to work. I feel a little better that I could vent some.

Sorry I missed it :(

Want to hear something scary? With all the choices for eating out, I chose jack in the box for dinner. I'll blame it on the curly fries.

Has anyone else experienced problems with putting posts under an LJ cut? This post is an example for LJ staff to view.

( Where I post nonsense to show the problemCollapse )

This weekend should be a lesson on why one should not watch before bed or fall asleep to true crime shows.

( She was murdered and I'm next...Collapse )

( Kidnapped child ordered to stay with her kidnappersCollapse )

( Your giant nativity scene has arrived...Collapse )

I think my dreams are getting as messed up and strange as my friend, Melissa's.

I'm spreading this everywhere I can, so figured I'd share here too. I'm taking part in the Portland, Oregon Light the Night. This is a fundraiser for Lymphoma and leukemia treatments.

For those who read my blog, Dominic Lucero (someone I never met, but touched my life) passed away from lymphoma 19 years ago. He's the one I visited the grave of when I was in LA. Sobering experience and very bittersweet for me. It was like, yes, I'm here, but I'm visiting this guy's grave.

For all of those who have been taken too soon by cancer, I want to do my part to try and raise awareness and the dollars to make sure the future generations do not have to lose more loved ones to this horrible disease.

If you can, help support me in my walk. Doesn't matter what you can give even if it's a dollar. Anything helps.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. If you do give and do not mark anonymous, I will do my best to find a fun and unique way of thanking you. Haven't come up with just what yet, but thinking hard.

My Fundraising Page through the LLS (Lymphoma & Leukemia Society)

P.S. That's Dominic in my icon from one of my favorite movies, NEWSIES.

I haven't posted in a while. I also let my icon extension thingy expire and I don't know how many icons I have now.

I had to share this awesome thing.

I've posted about Kevin Stea before. He's an actor, singer, dancer and he was in my favorite childhood movie, NEWSIES. He's an independent artist now and amazingly talented. I follow him on Twitter, Facebook, Youtube and Tumblr. I think he's so cool and doing amazing things. I love that he's willing to push the boundaries on what most do.

He was in this movie (based on the stage version) Naked Boys Dancing. It is just like it sounds. Naked boys dancing, singing, etc. Sadly, I could not get through it. It was amazing, but I couldn't get past the fact that they were completely naked. Kevin had the first solo number and I did watch that. Wow. I don't know many people that confident in themselves to do that. He did a Q&A about that and he said he hit the gym for 10 days straight before they began filming. I was amazed, but still couldn't finish watching. Maybe I'll one day finish and listen to the singing because the musical numbers are funny. Kevin's was "The Naked Maid."

Anyway.

Yesterday when I got to lunch, there was a post on Twitter from Kevin. He said he had some time and would answer a question not already answered in a video response. I've been waiting for this opportunity for a while. He's already done 35 of them and all are on his youtube channel (I spent a night watching them in numerical order). I have a list of people in my head who I would LOVE to interview. I also have a serious of questions (also in my head) I would ask. Kevin is someone I would like to interview. The questions, though, flew out the window when I had to think of one. I sifted through what I knew about him, what he'd already answered and what I figured he wouldn't answer. I have at least two that have to do with NEWSIES, but he's asked so much about that movie that I didn't want to go there. I also would love to learn more about Dominic, but he's already talked about him. So I sat there for a good minute trying to think of something interesting before anyone else did.

I came up with "Who was your favorite performer to work with and why?" I posted it and hoped for the best. It appeared I was the first, no one else appeared to have replied. I saw he posted this to Facebook too, so I thought, oh well, I guess I wasn't first.

Today, I get a Twitter comment from him. He answered my question! I carry my ipad everywhere pretty much (especially since I got this awesome new case for it) and the ipad dinged at me. I checked and there was a twitter comment. I saw it and it took a bit to register. Then I started freaking out. In the middle of the office. Of course, I was working so I didn't watch the video.

I got home and then couldn't bring myself to watch it. Thank to Kate, I finally clicked the play button.

I didn't get past "Hey Jules," before I had to stop it and fangirl some more.

I've posted the video below. Pretty cool ending to the day.

I actually wish on tunnels. A high school friend told me about this. When you come upon a tunnel, you hold your breath, make a wish and let the breath out when you get through the tunnel.

Lately, I've been wishing that I'll find a job.

This is one reason I'm trying to find a better job. I can't afford to put anything away. My job puts a little away as part of our employee benefits. Right now (I haven't checked in a while) I think I have just over $5,000 that I can't touch until I'm 65. I asked my HR person last year if I could dip into it without penalty, but she said I couldn't. The only way it could be accessed is if I die and it would go to my next of kin.

Anyway, answer is no. I don't have any plan right now and I don't like that. If I win the lottery, I'll retire now. How's that?