Claws and Teeth

Following the wake of Nine Eleven, two terrorists arose in the streets of Huntsville, Alabama, and somehow worked their way into the hearts and home of Master.

(This is what the Kittenz Community is, unchecked)

Wearing disguises of pure uncut cuteness these two have continuously snuck under the radar, stealing American Cat Naps and American num nums from right under our whiskers.

Now we could continue to promote hate and inequality amongst the races, or we could say, "no, not this time. This time it Ends." I can no more renounce my Masters than I can my rabbit fur mouse, who has, at times, been the play thing of the aristocracy, and squeeked anti-black cat statements.

Even so, the love and affection Master and Mistress have bestowed upon the unworthy is not something I can abide by, and I say it's a time for Change.

There is hostility from the "Kitten" community, believing that Black Cats are holding them down, oppressing them, and their rights to freedom and happiness.

At the same time there is an uneasy feeling amongst the Black Cat community as Kittenz come in to their homes, taking their food, and sleeping on their favorite sleep spots.

I urge America, Master, and Mistress to embrace a new generation, a new way of thinking, and usher in a new era of Change. Because on this issue if we stand divided, the only benefit we have to reap is sandboxing of different cat cultures, and the shit buried beneath the surface.

However, if together we stand united, we can eradicate the Kitten threat once and for all, and bring peace back to this great Nation.

Dear Minerva,

    Your plan worked a lot better than I gave you credit for. To date I have buried more than 1000 weapons of mass destruction in The Great Litterbox. Granted, they're more Weapons of Mass Disgruntalation than true Destruction, but I didn't feel like getting wordy with the ol' Bush. Gets cunfuzzled.
    Anyways, that old guy who cut off your catnip supply is done with. As always, I appreciate the 20% cut you sent me. This 'nip is pure shit, no fakin on the bacon.

Your Loyal Freedom Fighter,
Cuddlz de la Roach

The HelloKittyCaust never happened.

Yeah. I said it.

What.

It was time for the dreadful soaking that Master and Mistress do daily. This time they tried it on me. Oh, I can't have people food because its not kitty food. I can't chase the minions because it's not kitty like. I can't claw at Master cause his skin is too britle to take it like a Cat. Oh, but I can have a human soaking even though IT'S NOT FOR KITTIES!

Don't force your moronic people rituals on me. I bathe myself the hard way- tongue and cheek like my elders taught me. That's more than I can say for you idiots who can't even lick between your toes, much less your...

Well, I for one am sick and tired of being forced into the cute cuddly kitty model just to appease these stupid humans. That is not who I am. I am Cat. I am ferocious, sly, and elegant.

I could catch my own food if they didn't punish me everytime I chase the minions. No, instead, I meow sweetly in the morning for that bucket of dried out dog yak to be poured in my bowl. I could slice and dice you all the time, but instead I twitch my tail and settle for scratchin'z and pettin'z whilst you clip away my fresh grown blades.

I could take care of my own cleansing, but instead I let you force your kitty soap upon me. Well not this time, mister!

Master and Mistress included the minions in the cat soaking, which of course is an insult to my species (lumping those furry runt pieces of meat into Cat). They went first, I guess as test subjects. Really though, I should have gone first to set the example. The key is to protest the soaking by getting a Battle Cry prepared. And maybe their puny little brains would have picked up on it had they seen my example.

I saw them- the brown one first soaked. His battle cry was nonexistent. I know he didn't like it. I could see him quivering, trying to act like he was toughing it out.

The tabby one next soaked. Her battle cry was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. She was trying to rebel, but only with a peep here and there. Frantically trying to escape the soak tub. Her efforts were futile, and she should have seen that. Those two were doing exactly what Master wanted- submitting to the cute kitty model. After their bathes they were coddled in Mistress's toweled arms. I think the brown one even purred. Morons.

I was staring at them and saving my voice. Master and Mistress commented that I looked scared. Ha. They just said that because they were scared. I was putting my battle face on.

They took me and I screamed in the language of my ancestors "I AM CAT! HEAR ME MEOW!"

The humans were fearful of me. I could feel it.

I know they hesitated briefly about forcing me into their whacked out kitty model ideal.

But I sat there and took it like a Cat, roaring the ancient calling the entire time.

You might hear from them that I was frantically clawing the wall and crying like a baby. Lies! They just don't want to tell you how close I was to ripping out their eyes.

The minions saw me. They don't even know the ancient language. I could see they were in awe.

Mistress tried to coddle me in a towel. I twitched my tail at her. While it was a practical way to get drier faster, don't think for a minute that I enjoyed it.

If Master made this a daily ritual for me, I'd probably take that bottle of kitty shampoo and put it where the fleas don't go. And in that way, I've won. Master knows what I won't tolerate.

*tail twitch* *twitch* *twitch*

"Wazzat?!"
"It's nothing."
"No No No No No... Zat.. Wazzat... Waz- OMG SOMEONE IS OPENING ZE DOOR!"
"It's probably Master."
"IZ NOT MAZTER!"
"It's probably his mistress."
"IZ NOT ZE BLONDE ONE!"
"It's probably his sires."
"IZ NOT ZE FATS ONES!"
"It's... not?"
"Nien!"

"He appears to be changing the air filter. Why don't you go brown nose him. It's what you're best at."
"Master loves me because I am friendly! If you were not so angry he would love you too!"
"Yes. Yes I imagine you must be right. Want to play a game?"
"Gamez!"
"Yes. This one is called 'explore the air conditioner.'"
"Ya! How do you play ze game?!"
"See that air conditioner? The one that man is changing the filter on?"
"Ya!"
"Go see what's behind it!"
"....OKz!"

"hey.. it iz ze dark in here!"
"yeah. I bet it is."
"You let me out!"
"Can't, little Brown One."
"You let me out!"
"Not within my power. The one with the keys just left."
"... OH no! what will I do??!!!!"
"I dunno. I guess you'll die."

He went on and on and on about the damn things.
"Robo Toilets" he called them.

Now what in god's forsaken earth would make this asshat think that just
because he got friendly with a robotic toilet.... I would want the same experience?

None the less, it is here. And from the way he goofily smiles each time I drop some arabs in the desert, I don't think it will be going away.

Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that he is trying to improve my living conditions, as well he should be. But an 8-ball laced with catnip it would have been more welcome.

Oh fuck! Master caught me!

I had gotten so used to shitting in the other room that I let myself go a little early. Like before Master and his mistress went to bed.

It was so embarrassing getting caught in the moment like that. I see why I preferred the litter box now. But yeah, he closed the door and cornered me. And yelled a lot.

:( Then he rubbed my nose in it. I felt a little guilty, but I had to play it off like it didn't bother me. I have to keep my dignity somehow!

He said he was disappointed in me, and that I ought to be ashamed of myself. ....Just ashamed I got caught.

I guess the worst part was seeing him and the mistress snuggle the kittens and tell them they were sorry for punishing them wrongly. The kittens gave me a smug look and purred and snuggled with Master. I felt a little guilty because I wouldn't want anyone to do what I did to me.

But then I realized that I'm better than them, so they deserved every bit they got. Cause I'm the best kitty!

Cat! I'm a kitty kat! and I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance.

Ah. I'm normally not in the mood to sing such a ridulous song. Damn humans. But it gets stuck in your head when you're in a good mood like me.

You see, Master got a couple.... eh.... additions... to the house. Unfortunately, the two n3wbs think they're a cat like me. As if! I'm one of a kind. Thor's pitiful soul knew that, and so will these too.

Idiot names too- Tabby and Brownie. Sounds like the snap, crackle, and pop or some cookie company if you ask me.

Sadly, Master isn't convinced and has been feeding them and snuggling them right in fucking front of me! Then he has the nerve to get mad at me when I chase them around like field mice. There's nothing wrong with a little bloodshed. It makes everyone's lives more interesting.

Anyway, that is the unfortunate part. However, I've been devising ways to get these things out for a while. My plan so far has been working!

See, the kittens just got litter-trained (so uncultured before they came here). They had a few accidents around the house, and I started noticing that Master liked to rub their faces in it and yell after they did it. It trained them well, but it sparked an idea in my head.

So for the past week, I've been taking big mountanous shits in the kittens' room, and a little pee here and there. It's so wonderful. I do it at night after Master and his mistress go to sleep. Then they get up in the morning. Master sees it in their room and thinks they did it!
So I wake up every morning to kitten punishment and lovin's from Master. Then he feeds us.

I mean, it's not like Master notcies I don't shit in the litterbox anymore. He's always cleaning their box. Like 2 cats in one box means I have to have a lower quality of life.

Anyway, I think my plan's working. I heard Master and his mistress wondering if the kitten's would ever stop shitting out of their litter box! They'll be gone in no time! (Hey, it worked with Thor!)

*tummy grumble*

Ahh, I better go plant the evidence.

First he moved his shit.
Then he threw me in the tub.
Then put me in the CAGE OF DEATH
and then... then I got blow dried by 80mph wind.

And that was fucking amazing.


Also amazingly wonderful is how Thor isn't here.

I still dream of his white oppression.
I can hear him even now, calling out his joy...
"The black cat is gone! The black cat is gone! Ohhhh mercy! The black cat is gone!"

May you decorate the bumper of a local chevrolet.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! I can't stop laughing my ass off!
"LOL" even!

Oh My Fucking God. Master just rubbed Thor's face ALL up in his own feces.
He so had that one coming.


On an unrelated note, I'm a little worried.
One of Master's friends has taken interest in me online.
It's the same one that killed his last pet, Zorro.
I don't know what this fucker is planning... but I'm not going down like a bitch.