Other People

been a busy productive chore day. gotta werk all day tomorrow so that'll be hard, but then I get to daaaaance hopefully. If I can muster the energy. I've been soooooooooooooo lethargic lately. Pushing through and doing things anyway but it's HARD erf.

Tyler and I had a really really nice hike yesterday at the coast. He seems a little off-kilter but mostly okay. sigh. I am trying really hard to be a better friend to him. He asks for so little.

I still want to try to get laundry done tonight, and henna my hair, and maybe do some housework or write some cards. I want to buy some special order things I am running low on, but I'll save groceries for tomorrow after werk. I have a deal for mushroom chocolates, should I go for it? I haven't had any in over a year.

Despite low energy I keep taking all of my supplements and keep endlessly batting away my depression. It never lets up, I just have to keep whacking at it. Kind of like how you never run out of laundry or dishes or weeds.

Scheduled my mammogram, I still have to look for a new PCP, look for a new dermatologist, get a new veterinarian for Avalanche, schedule a colonoscopy, get vaccinated for shingles, and a bajillion other health care things I keep putting off.

Josh wants to tackle wingspan tonight and I just want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Avalanche has been outside all day and she's sooooooooo happy, it's the cutest. Her special venison raw cat food came back in stock and she is soooooooooo happy about that too. She was eating the salmon/chicken flavor but she doesn't like it half as much as the venison.

the eagles are doing wonderfully. what a gift.

the weather is perfect. the sky is so beautiful. what a gift.

I've been eating yummy nutritious (and a few naughty nibbles) food all day, what a gift.

my husband is the best. my car still runs. pumpkins are blooming.

group therapy continues to be weird and slightly uncomfortable. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is family reunion season and I already go through a period of feeling alienated and invisible and locked out of something fundamentally human and important listening to people talk about it at work, now I have to listen to it in group, too. ugh.

I never had anything like that. I never met any aunts or knew any cousins, except for some distant ones once long ago in LA who never responded the last several times I tried to contact them. We don't have family gatherings or markers or support of any kind. (One of my dad's nieces still sends me happy birthday notes on fb, she found me after dad died, she's really sweet. But I've never met her and I don't know any of her family and her parents are long gone. She didn't meet my dad, either. But she's still sweet.) There are no estates or "probates" or whatever that even is because nobody has any money. No memorials or funerals (except for the one memorial I created for my mom in 2022, that made me so so so sick from the stress of it that I ended up catching covid). my dad's ashes were dumped from a plastic bag into a nameless stream by a stoned woman (widow technically, dad remarried when he got diagnosed with terminal lung cancer to a girlfriend) who also dumped her cremated cats at the same time. that's as much of a ceremony as anyone gets around here. If you're lucky. I feel like we are human versions of street rats who could get dumped in a ditch and nobody would notice, care, or remember. So, I get a little triggered listening to people talk about family reunions, I guess. Even my therapist will be gone next week for one. I'm glad they have family. Very glad for them. But it sure does make me feel more alone. Josh's family doesn't do stuff like that either. Nobody marked his grandmother's passing in any way whatsoever. They didn't even talk about it. I guess it doesn't matter. I guess it's more realistic about the real meaninglessness of my own existence. But it still is kind of painful.

watching the eagles on their nest makes it feel less so.