Mallow's Randomness

I can tell by the way you've been saying her name
That it's more than a friendly game
With a smile and a "I'm gonna fight to the death" expression in her eye
You think I'm so dramatic;
Just imagining again
You come to her defence
Insisting that she's innocent
Well excuse me for wanting to be
The one and only lock that fits your key
Oh you believe there's nothing up her sleeve
Oh baby, we'll just wait and see

You say that love is blind
Well I say open up your eyes
She's a mastermind
She'd cheat and lie to get you to love her
Who's the victim if it doesn't make a difference now?
I'll be gone one way or another

Take a minute to see it from my side of things
Don't you think you would feel the same?
Like you still gotta play for the victory in a game
You won yesterday

I shouldn't have to fight for something that's already mine
But her pursuit of you has undermind my peace of mind
But it's no use crying to you
You're who her plan has done the damage to
What's done is done
I should just hold my tongue
But someone's got me outdone

You say that love is blind
Well I say open up your eyes
She's a mastermind
She'd cheat and lie to get you to love her
Who's the victim if it doesn't make a difference now?
I'll be gone one way or another

You're going under, yeah
And baby, it's no wonder, no, no
Cause she's stepping up her game
She's making you a prisoner for her hall of fame
She's looking for a winner for her trophy case
And you need to consider
What you think you deserve
Is that all that you're worth?
No, no, no, no

You say that love is blind
Well I say open up your eyes
She's a mastermind
She'd cheat and lie to get you to love her
Who's the victim if it doesn't make a difference now?
I'll be gone one way or another

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Hanson ROCKED the White Sox game yesterday.

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Tonight is my first night home alone in a long time. Without Sully here, the house is empty. Quiet. Very lonely. The whole reason I got him in the first place was because, at the time, Steve was working his handful of jobs at all the most random hours and I wanted someone to be home with. Someone to be my friend & family. Sully filled that job perfectly.

Sul and I used to have conversations. Right now, we'd be discussing High School Musical 2. We'd go for strolls around the neighborhood. He used to LOVE puddles. He'd come into the house and his ears would be all wet and he'd let me wipe them. Later, he'd drag that towel off the counter for no reason at all. While I read or watched whatever the DVR recorded, he'd pull out socks from the clean laundry basket. Eventually, he'd give up and lay in his window, waiting for Steve or Phil to come home. Around this time, I'd get sleepy and make my way upstairs. I trusted him in the window so late, knowing he didn't want trouble. He was just looking out for me and patiently waiting for his boys to arrive. As soon as I'd drift into a dream, I'd feel a thump into bed, get a nice wet nose kiss on my cheek, then he'd plop down with a "finally" groan as he placed his head on Steve's pillow. Literally. I toss the blanket over his torso and together we'd fall asleep. Eventually, one of the boys would come home. He'd gruff and reluctantly hop off the bed to check it out. Once he saw who it was, he'd hop right back up onto the bed and reclaim his spot.

I really do miss him. I thought this would be enough time to "go back to normal." But that's just it. Life with Sully WAS normal. And now it's not. And now I'm here alone. Missing. Thinking. Remembering. Crying again. I don't see it getting better, ehem, normal again. Steve's schedule (and no, this isn't a blame or guilt trip. Just fact) is inevitably going to get busier and involve many more nights away from home. And even though home may change, this empty feeling won't.

I still read proped up against the armrest of the couch. But my feet are cold cuz no one is resting is soft ears on them. I have no one to read the funny or interesting or quoteable parts to. I still watch the TiVo-ed shows. Except now there's no one to giggle with or clean up my crumbs in the kitchen after Iron Chef gives me the munchies. I don't go on walks anymore. I tried. When the other dogs in the neighborhood don't bark at me, I remember why and see their confused looks of "Why is she walking alone?"

And they're right. Why am I walking alone? Why did my bud have to go?

Taken from Steve's blog. I couldn't bring myself to write anything about Sully, so I'm just copying his entry. It's allowed- we're married.


"Two weeks ago, after struggling to keep food down, losing a bunch of weight, and a general lethargy ... we took Sully to the vet. She diagnosed him with an ear infection, recommended a change in food and gave us some meds.

A week later, nothing had improved, his breathing had gotten very deliberate, and we took him back. Now the vet expressed "concern" over some findings on chest x-rays.

We took the pup to a second, more specialized vet. They ran an ultrasound and found a 6-cm tumor in his chest (causing the breathing problems) as well as problems in his liver, spleen and lymphnodes. Our puppy had cancer. Stage 4 (or worse) lymphoma in our one-and-a-half year old.

The news came like a square punch to the sternum. We were given a choice - chemotherapy which would treat the cancer and delay the inevitable. Or ... the inevitable. Knowing chemo wouldn't CURE him, that the lump in his chest was only going to grow and his breathing would only get more painful, that he could be stage 5 lymphoma ... we brought him home with us.

Sully came home with a lot of tears. But we gave our pup one heck of a night. White Castle for dinner. All the ears and rawhides he could wrap his lips around. A walk around the block that HE got to lead ("Sul - you find a smell, you go ahead and follow it!"). There was a group of kids outside that wanted to pet him and feel his ears and Sully was happy to oblige. We ended with a big family cuddle session, reminiscing and sleep in the basement.

The next morning, we got Sully cleaned up, took some naps and went in for a family photo. He was a great sport about the whole thing and even smiled for the camera. Sully and I had to wait outside the mall while Dez paid (no dogs in the mall) ... so we plopped down on the curb and people-watched. It was really comforting to see people walking into the mall and smiling at Sul, commenting on how cute and happy he looked, etc.

We brought him home for another good, rich meal and some final hugs. Finally, it was back in the car for the final trip to the vet. The vet was as compassionate and tender as you could ask for - but nothing will make those final moments any easier.

Sully was very cooperative with everything, and I remember feeling a calm over me as I didn't see him struggling to breathe any more. I don't recall doing anything this hard, or crying this much. I miss my pup.

It's beyond weird to come home and not have to take him out, or not have a nose investigating everything you do. The bed feels empty, and I actually miss our middle-of-the-night wake up routine. The click of his nails on the floor, or the jingle of his tags now makes the house sound deafeningly silent. Even when Dez is lying on my chest, we both feel alone.

I always knew we'd face this issue, but I always assumed it would be after Sully had babysat our first and second born, and after a few house moves, and after he'd started to gray and slow down. I never imagined that my bouncing, happy, spry pup would go after just 13 months in our lives.

We'll have the memories and love he gave us, and the comfort that he's not sick anymore. But I still miss my pup."

Do you have any pets?
- Sully, my hound. Although last night he was my pain in the ass.

What color shirt are you wearing?
- chocolate brown

Name three things that are physically close to you:
- my Hello Kitty iPod doc, a steno full of lotsa notes, a mug of coffee. Does that pretty much sum me up or what?

What is the last book you read?
- The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

Are you or were you a good student?
- I totally was. Even in college when I rarely paid attention I was somehow a good student.

What's your favorite sport?
- baseball/softball, hockey, basketball

Do you enjoy sleeping late?
- YES. I wish I got to sleep late this morning. Crazy dog wakes you up by 6, though. Sucks.

What's the weather like right now?
- warm, getting sticky. That "lake breeze" will soon mean nothing.

Who tells the best jokes?
- Action is pretty funny naturally. Oh, and Family Guy Jesus-- he's rad.

What was the last thing you dreamed about?
- honestly, just hanging out with my grandparents.

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
- I drive a few miles a day, just to the train stations. Most weekend days, Steve drives. I've never crashed.

Do you believe in karma?
- yes, mos def

Do you believe in luck?
- not entirely. But, seriously, Steve and his Q101 luck is ridonqulous.

Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?
- both. scrambles needs cheese and sunny side up needs tortilla or at least toast

Do you collect anything? If so, what?
- HK stuff, shot glasses. When I was a kid I collected antique dolls, cleaned 'em up, gave 'em new clothes and found them new homes. I should go back to that after ready the abovementioned "...Edward Tulane."

Are you proud of yourself?
- yes. Thank you. And pride is not cocky. Stop reading into things. Geez.

Are you reliable?
- Definitely. That's why I'm THE go-to at work. HELP.

Have you ever given money to a bum?
- Yes. I have "regulars" that I see and give to often. One guy calls me "Pinky Kitty" cuz I carry my lunch in a Hello Kitty bag.

What's your favorite food?
- anything Gramma. oreos & milk.

Have you ever had a secret admirer?
- yeah. Then he told me & I thought it was cute and a year later we dated.

Do you like the smell of gasoline?
- yes, unless it's cuz the generator is stuck in my car making me all high on the road

Do like to draw?
- never was really much of a dwawer. Doodles, sure

What's your favorite invention?
- my iPod and TiVo

Is your room messy?
- my room, no. my house, it's getting there

What do you like better: oranges or apples?
- apples.

Do you give in easily?
- not usually. I take some convincing

Are you a good guesser?
- yeah. unless it's numbers--weight, size, count-- I can never nail that

Can you read other people's expressions?
- yeah and sometimes it gets me in trouble

Are you a bully?
- nah. just a smartass

Do you have a job?
- yes, full time disney

What time did you wake up this morning?
- 12:15a, 3:30a, 5:00a, 6:30a-- DAMN DOG

What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
- *laughs* a mint chocolate brownie one of my coworkers baked

When was the last time you showered?
- last night. quick, cold, done

What do you plan on doing tomorrow?
- sleeping in, going on a date

What's your favorite day of the week and why?
- Sunday. it's been Sundays since summer 03

Do you have any nicknames?
- Dez, Love, Desi, Mallow

Have you ever been scuba diving?
- nope

What's your least favorite color?
- gold. it's tacky.

Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?
- yes, Ma. I'w worried about her.

Would you ever go skydiving?
- prolly not

Do you enjoy challenges?
- yes cuz I love accomplishing them. The discouragement is rough but you have to pull through

What's the worst injury you have had?
- a broken heart

What's the last movie you saw?
- Amelie. GREAT.

What do you want to know about the future?
- what will my babies look like

What does your last text message say?
- "Went to tiffany and co. Decided to buy a house instead"

Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?
- Pete RD production dude

What's your favorite school subject?
- English

What's your least favorite school subject?
- Math

Would you rather have money or love?
- L-O L-O L-O L-O V-E

What is your dream vacation?
- Disney World forever

What is your favorite animal?
- puppied and baby lion

Do you miss anyone right now?
- Ma & Steve

What's the last sporting event you watched?
- baseball

Do you need to do laundry?
- yes. a full hamper is calling my name

Do you listen to the radio?
- yes, I do. I channel surf the stations.

Where were you when 9/11 happened?
- TA-ing for KK.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
- swear in Spanish and walk away

Have you ever caught a butterfly?
- no. They like to fly, not be caught

What color are your bed sheets?
- blue & red

What's your ringtone?
- depends. Different people have different tones. There's MMMBop, TobyMac, Hannah Montana, and Rise Against.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
- Dave. He's goofy.

Do you have any obsessions right now?
- my obsession is apparently work. yay.

Do you like things that glow in the dark?
- honestly, no. It kinda freaks me.

What's your favorite fruity scent?
- fake cherry, like the kind in snowcones

Do you watch cartoons?
- 24-7

Have you ever sat on a roof?
- yeah. We used to tan on it

Have you ever been to a different country?
- Mexico and Epcot

Name three things in the world you dislike:
- liars, rich people who tell you about it, cicadas

Name three people in the world you dislike:
- n/a

Has a rumor even been spread about you?
- prolly

Do you like sushi?
- certain kinds, yes.

Do you believe in magic?
- only if it involved Pixie Dust

Do you hold grudges?
- often

“Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -- Samuel Beckett

Phoenix was great. Almost perfect. Hot. Bright. Relaxing. Surprising.

I’m proud of Ma for doing what she’s gotta do. Hopefully, this is the last divorce for her. Each relationship takes a chunk out of her heart. This one, unfortunately, took that and took her to Phoenix away from me. Everyone on this end—her family & friends—thinks it’s about time she realized that the guy was completely wrong for her. We’re proud for her choosing her daughter (my sis, not me) over her husband. There’s a first time for everything, they say. Better late than never, they say. I say, Lil Sis is blessed cuz now Ma will be her best friend. I’m jealous, yes, but grateful more.

“The words! I collected them in all shapes and sizes and hung them like bangels in my mind.” - Hortense Calisher

I think it’s cute and even entertaining when little ones are learning two languages. Babies who come from bilingual homes are bombarded with twice as many new words and meanings than those from one-language homes. My favorite part of bilingual (or even multilingual, nowadays) children is that time in their young years where they don’t realize that they are speaking two different languages and that not everyone understand everything they say. Sir’s daughter is 1 ½ and just beginning to put words together and she is being taught Spanish and English. Sir only knows a little Spanish, so it’s fun that sometime his daughter says things to him and he needs his wife to translate rather than saying “What?” and discouraging her. I got to say hello to the mini MexiPol this morning and boy-oh-boy is she too freakin’ cute. She said hello and then I asked her in Spanish about her day. Being only 1 ½ she didn’t have too much to say, but what she did say was in Spanglish. Adorable. (Have I mentioned that I want to keep this kid? Steve’s met her and we want to kidnap her. Too. Damn. Perfect.) Anywho, it’s fun watching kids figure out language.

I was one of those bilingual, Spanglish kids. Spend just 10 minutes with my extended family and you’ll see how crazy two languages at the same time can sound. I love Spanish. It’s beautiful and it comes in handy and I wish I knew how to read and write it rather than just use it conversationally. And, honestly, not living with my grandparents anymore, not hearing Ma speak it all the time, and having a white husband, really has made me forget a lot of my Spanish. (I should start watching Telemundo. Let it come back to me…) My rollin’ RRRssss and Y-sounding Ls do find time to make appearances—during work events, chatting with Gramma, when I’m yelling at Sully, or calming babies to sleep. Like most things, they say if you don’t use it, you loose it. I hope I don’t loose my Spanish. I want my kids to be those lil adorable bilingual ones, confusing their daddy with Spanish phrases.

One thing I’ll never forget is the lullaby my grandfather used to sing to me. I’ve heard the melody so many times, that it’s printed in my memories. Sometimes, I catch myself humming it. Sometimes I sing it to myself at bedtime. It’s my favorite song.

Words in any language are powerful. Little kids with accents are just cuter.

I don’t remember what it’s like to feel alone. Steve and I were talking yesterday about how Laney turned 3 and yet it’s seems like we’ve been together for much, much longer than that. The first time I hung out at Steve’s parents’ house back in the day and met his sister and brother-in-law was the day they told us that Manda was pregnant. 9 months later, and 9 months of dating, Steve and I were at the hospital meeting lil Laney for the first time. But, still, that was only 3 years ago. Since then we’ve dealt with a ton—the good and the bad—all things that should happen over more than 3 years. Funny how time works. But, as I said, I don’t remember what’s it’s like to feel alone. And I like that. True, Steve & I spend most of our time together, but you know how you can be constantly surrounded by people, be totally popular, and still feel alone? Yeah, I realize that I don’t feel like that anymore. And that’s good. And it’s not just cuz of Steve. Phil & I have been getting along again. I credit his maturing and my patience with him. I’ve gotten some new friends and knowing that they’re around is a great feeling. And, even when I’m home by myself, I’ve got my loyal cuddly pup Sully to keep me company. We talk and play and he’s my pal. I’m glad I don’t remember what it’s like to be alone. I hope that if you’re lonely, you soon forget.

If you or anyone you know wants 2 tickets to see High School Musical on Broadway in Chicago? I had advanced sales opportunity and bought tickets to a date that I have a wedding to attend that night. I'm only asking what I paid. Here's the scoop:

Saturday, August 4th at 8pm at the LaSalle Bank Theatre (formerly Shubert Theatre). 2 tickets in balcony, right center, row F, seats 414 & 416. Asking for $66.

Note: Tickets are selling out FAST in the presale. I wanted the next highest bracket and those were already sold out.

Contact me if you're interested. Thanks!

~ Dez