i'm a jerk, and i would stop being a jerk but i think it's a part of who i am. most times i'm okay with this but i do wish i were born a little nicer, a lot more understanding and personable. and i don't want to seem like i admit this in a proud kind of way because i'm not. i realize when i don't know things and do well in learning from people that do know things. i love learning and talking and listening to things that will make me a better person. i love different perspectives and becoming more understanding.
but, i need people to check me.
i don't even know what i'm trying to say, really. just that, i can be insensitive to things that i don't really know, and i need people to put me in line sometimes. and i appreciate that.
i just finished reading perks of being a wallflower and it related a lot to my life right now, and it helped me understand some things.
towards the end, there was this bit:
"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."
this is something i should remind myself, because i go back to this idea every time i, or someone around me, is feeling down. it makes me insensitive to their situation.
but, not rhetorically, is it bad to think like this? just opinions. i don't know
first uni year is over and i ended up with a 2.5. eh. it's whatever.
mom and jayden and mom's stupid boyfriend have moved out. took 85% of their stuff out the room, now it's just gaping and lonely. i guess i've really grown up because i'm not crying over it, and this is definitely something i'd be depressed over. depressed is a heavy word. i think people throw it around easily, like i am now. i'm not /depressed/, just sad. it's sad to not see jayden every day, and although my mom pisses me off constantly, it's sad to not see her as well. hm, without jayden, this would've been a lot less sad. not that i wouldn't be sad that my mom /moved out/, out of our house of... 15 years?, but less sad, because i love jayden so so so much. and it hurts to have to drive 30 minutes away to see him only on the weekends... that's worse than before. sigh.
but anyways, now my aunt and uncle are cleaning up mom's room and the joined bathroom inside it. they're going to move up, and leave their room for me. my ~first room~. crazy shit. i want to redo it completely, if they're allowed to redo my mom's room. now it's really their house. everybody has moved out, and they have this all to themselves. well, things have certainly changed. it's crazy.
special k cereal - i started out this year with like 6 flavors, seriously. i'm down to three, one of them still unopened cocoa pebbbles yum chocolate milk that might be bad now ramen - one box i've had since the beginning of the year as well, and a package of chicken flavored white cheddar popcorn jalapeno chips candy
my mom talked about my dad today, whom i've been kind of thinking about lately because i've been thinking about death kind of and whether or not his would affect me. i thought it wouldn't, but hearing about him recently has brought back feelings.
maybe i should forgive him for that voicemail in which he called me carol, my half-sister whom i don't recall ever meeting, although i have when i was younger. right? is that that big of a deal? what if he realized that he messed up but didn't call back? because i didn't call him back for him to say anything. i mean, i don't know.
apparently he's really skinny now, working hard and idk doing something that gives him burns. idk, it broke my heart, and i miss him. i want to hug him and tell him that i don't hate him and that i'm doing fine and that i hope he's happy. that i don't miss him really so if he feels bad he shouldn't, and that i don't really mind if he's not here for me because it's a two way street and idk. that i love him? do i? i can barely say or think that i /really/ love my mom. idk, i'm confused. and scared of the imminent future as always.
eh what a stupid draft that just came back up haha
anyways
just honest self reflecting again, read it in an indifferent voice, as always lol
i believe that i do have talent in certain areas. i have a talent for art, i have a talent for writing, and i enjoy it more than most things. i can get by on math if i care enough, but i don't particularly like it. i accept that much.
it's just that i am reluctant to accept my talents, or to exploit them. but i know if i did, i could actually go somewhere with them, somewhere that i would be happy with. it's just very unsure. and i would like some certainty, haha, it would be nice. learn science! go to medical school! become a doctor! make money! la la la
not that i would plan on doing art as a living, but maybe i could go into film or something and make some money
but see, that's what i'm talking about. the uncertainty. how do i go down that path? seems like a path that you would need a lot of connections for... unless i'm very good at what i do, and people just accept that i don't like kissing ass? idk... are these valid thoughts and worries and concerns? idk either. idk.
honestly, i'm more interested in art, but i know i'm not talented enough to do that besides for have fun and enjoy being creative. i just want to be creative, always. i want to live a life of creativity, of reading, of growing, of stimulation. i want to be active and engaged and happy. but i'm scared... haha
so i had my first econ exam today, andddd well of course, my studying habits are the same, but a little better. my friends may not have believed me when i said this is the most prepared i'd been for a test at unc yet, but it's true. usually i don't finish the material i'm supposed to be done with by the time of an exam. but at least this time i completely read all the stuff in the textbook, as well as comprehended most of it? but knock on wood.
when i think about how good of a university unc is, i never get over the fact that i'm here, a student and all. all these kids walking around are book intelligent, and i think that's amazing because we've all been surrounded by people that aren't quite up to par. and i don't want to say that in some cocky way, but from what i see, unc kids are either naturally smart, very hardworking, or a mixture of both.
speaking of which... i admire people who are naturally smart more than hardworking, but i think more because i want to be like them more than actually working hard and not being too naturally smart... fuck that sounds so bad. hardworking people are amazing too, but there's something about just having it that is very cool to me. but i know, you can be naturally smarted as fuck and if you didn't work hard you wouldn't get anywhere. yep. agreed. you hardworkers are great too, i know, i know. i hope that one day i will work hard for anything lol
i wonder how i did on the econ test though... to be honest, it offends me a little when my friends totally label me as a slacker, although i am! but i am just i don't know, very calm and chill when it comes to shit like this... i don't worry myself over things like numbers, grades, etc. i have enough faith in myself and in other people for me to know that a number does not define who i am, and that's that. if unc picked me because my grades were good in high school, they should've gotten a letter that said something like:
Dear Board of People Who Admit Kids,
This girl did not work very hard for her grades in high school. In fact, she never worked at all. The work was just easy, mostly. This A, or B, or whatever you see, does not truly show her level of intelligence.
Reconsider your choice.
Sincerely, Anonymous
but no really, hm. i'm happy that i go to unc, counting my blessings and stuff, but it's amazing. i don't know, my thoughts are kind of muddled now. sigh
kiwis tangerines strawberries and grapes in my fridge
and beef hot dogs and ramen and milk and cereal
and tea and tapioca balls
and chips
and rice and bread
and crystal light and water
i currently have two dirty bowls and two dirty spoons because i don't have any soap and they've just been sitting there and it's disgusting as hell and i really, really, really need soap
idk how i manage to get friends legit. leroy, azim, and i hung out today to do our lit reduction assignments but i knew that we weren't going to get anything done because we've tried working together before and that never got anywhere. azim knew too.
but anyways uhhhh omg i can't think straight omgsdlkgjseoguh3w
