frigid bitch is what i am

so, i should stop being so mean maybe?

my mom talked about my dad today, whom i've been kind of thinking about lately because i've been thinking about death kind of and whether or not his would affect me. i thought it wouldn't, but hearing about him recently has brought back feelings.

maybe i should forgive him for that voicemail in which he called me carol, my half-sister whom i don't recall ever meeting, although i have when i was younger. right? is that that big of a deal? what if he realized that he messed up but didn't call back? because i didn't call him back for him to say anything. i mean, i don't know.

apparently he's really skinny now, working hard and idk doing something that gives him burns. idk, it broke my heart, and i miss him. i want to hug him and tell him that i don't hate him and that i'm doing fine and that i hope he's happy. that i don't miss him really so if he feels bad he shouldn't, and that i don't really mind if he's not here for me because it's a two way street and idk. that i love him? do i? i can barely say or think that i /really/ love my mom. idk, i'm confused. and scared of the imminent future as always.