I have grown immensely so that this journal is no longer relevant. I doubt anyone still reads these posts, but in the chance that you do, I am so much better! It is possible to live and laugh in a happier world. I never would have believed that it is possible while I was drowning, asphyxiation was seconds away, but I saved myself. I still have my quirks that torment me, however my positive hopes allow me to yearn for the future and relish in the present.
All of my senses trick me. I read words that arn't there, always mishear, and generally just look like a fuck up. The weekend sucked ass when it should of rocked. I had so many awesome things to do, but I hated all of them. Too many people and they all fucking annoy me! I just don't get it none of this makes sense to me. I don't ever want to do anything, but lie and wait for death. Death is now a stranger concept than it used to be. At one time it was so relaxing and I felt that it was the ultimate release, now there is no escape. I still do think about myself or others dying. I want to be the center of attention, which makes no sense because I'd probably be incredibly uncomfortable with that. People think I'm not there when I am. "Friends" will say, "O I thought you left" or "where's Neda"....when I'm right next to them! I have no fucking personality so I blend in with the walls. Fuck up. I'm so boring. I'm so disgusting. I'm an idiot I can't even think of better words to describe things. I was so lonely yesterday that I had my dog lick my fucking vagina, again! How fucking sick is that. What do I need to do to be noticed? What do I need to do to notice others?
Well, I was going to continue writing in my journal, but I decided that it took more energy than I currently have. Pencil to paper is more honest. I had many thoughts while driving, but they seem to not be here now. I suppose I desire attention. Sometimes I think that acting out will get me the attention I want. I feel like a lunatic. There's nothing special about me, I am a bore. I would disappear if I wasn't already invisible. The clearest description of my current state is what the fuck. My mind has difficulty staying on track, I stutter, stumble, and fall. I am aware so much of my own entity that I am completely unaware of what surrounds me. I run into objects and awkwardly manueveur the halls. My limbs hang at my sides and these also make me uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with the extra parts and often find myself itching my nose. What the fuck, I'm a loser. A healing demon? Perhaps, it's not even happening.
I'm obsessed. I think I'm physically disgusting: Fat, ugly, blemished. Every inch of my body appalls me.
It's too painful for me to read these quotes right now...but I do know that when I first got depressed it was incredibly comforting to hear other's people who would describe their deep pain and really helped me understand my own.
I just want to be with you. I see you all the time, but I can't decide if you're really there. Please give me a sign so I can conclude your love.Everyday I walk out that door and you don't say goodbye. I bled for you and cried for, what else do I need to do? I hate you, but I need you and love you. You shatter me and pick my pieces up yelling why you can't put them back together when it's all your fault. Whats the matter, whats wrong, I'm possesed exorcise me please. I'll kiss every toe and every hair. Accept me. I'm lost with no self-esteem. I die each time and still love the knives that kill me.
"This is when I feel dead: when I lie in the dark (or sit or stand anytime, anywhere) and can feel how insignificant taking the next breath is...It doesn't hurt not to, there's no panic, only a mild, detached observation that this might be what it feels like to die." -Anonymous
I'm cold, even the kindest thought cannot warm me.
irritated