I rather die...

Is this truly my first time posting to this? O_o;
When I first started writing this, it was horrible. Litteraly, a side of me that no one should have to see. I cried a bit and re-read it. I decided to take out everything except for my 4th point(the first three were juicy and full of curses ^_^). Still, Roaming Charges, should you happen upon this in some random twist of bad luck, I dont want tears:

I love you. I love you with all my heart. I've bled so hard for us. I'm so dirty, so pathetic, but I wanted so much to be perfect for you. Even now as I write this, Im hurting. I never wanted you to hate me, to not want me. For years, you made me crazy and made me feel so alive.
I wanted to be honest for you. So I told you all there was to me.
I wanted to be understanding of you. So I restrained my wrathful words until I could hear yours.
I wanted to be loyal to you. So I abandonded touching myself and weeped whenever I failed.
I wanted to be sexy for you. So I hid let you touch me in beautiful, pure ways.
I wanted to be strong for you. So I danced to a song of hatred and "n" words.

I never wanted you to feel quilt or to hurt. So I blammed myself for what was wrong.
I never wanted us to fight. So I simply gave in to love.
I never wanted to post this.
But as the song goes, you made me love you.
((Okay, girls! If you wanna see the orginal post, scroll down for my gory anger! ^^ Woot woot, all mighty uterus!))



























(Last chance. Back away now if you dont wanna cry....)

























(I warned ya.)












WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!! YOU STUPID SHIT-HEAD, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!
((OOOkie-dokie, I suppose I dont have to elaborate since you could all take a wild guess as to who this is about. ^^))
I would like to make serveral random rageful statements now! ^_^
1.) NO MORE! I'm tired of you forgetting everything and Im sick and tired of you being sooo sorry for it and never doing anything to change!! Oh? Whats that? You say you HAVE been trying? Oh! You say that you've been giving it your all! And that everyone else acuses you of it too, that you're not trying hard enough? Imagine that! ^___^
While on that note:

2.) CUT. THE. SHIT. If I may quote Heidi from Thinner, "Enough bullshit is enough bullshit, my friend". The guilt trips? The pittiful stories? Yeah. Here's an update from ABCNews:
I'm a catholic; my whole LIFE is one big guilt trip!! >_O
Mommy dearest must've picked up lessons from a Jewish mom cause guilt is everywhere I turn since dating you hasn't been the most popular topic around the house. If you think your stories and excuses are going to move me anymore, you're sadly mistaken. I've dealt with your stories and listened and apologized for and believed them for YEARS.
Think I'm done? Oh no. Not by a long shot, dear ^^

3.) Are you TRYING to piss me off?! "I'm a horrible boyfriend", "You deserve better than me", "I'm not worth it".
I wonder... do you WANT me to break up with you? And are you just too scared to tell me to my face? You give me every reason too, and I have to wonder. Is this all just an elaborate design to get me to break it off with you first? What charity! What a saint! My knight in shining armor! =^_^= How lucky am I to have a boy would will tell me one minute:
"I love you with all my heart. You're everything to me. You're my world. I love you."
- and the next, do everything concievable that would drive any other woman to the brink of insanity. Not that Im not all ready insane 9_9;
If this is the case, dear, don't you dare tell me you love me. Don't you dare put up a farce of affection and longing. Better that you spew out words of hate and distaste to me than to lure me in and tear me apart.

I love him.
I hate him.
I love him.
I hate him.

AUGH!! I QUIT! BOYS ARE STUPID!

But god, I never wanted this night to end.
~Ashley

P.S. - Adding Lord Density to the list. I will explain later. It's too late right now.

Well, I've got another asshole on our hands, ladies. And this one doesn't hit on me, no, but I think he wants to actually keep me AWAY from my own fucking boyfriend.

Enter Arlen, who I THOUGHT was cool at first, but turned out to be a dickhole. First of all, he CONSTANTLY, REPEATEDLY, assumes that him and Louis are EXACTLY the same and have the EXACT same thoughts just because they've been friends for many many years.

Um, FYI? Me and Lili have been best friends for FIFTEEN YEARS and we don't think the same. Me and Jill have been best friends for five or six years and we don't think exactly the same! STOP TWINNING YOU PERSISTANT FUCK. Every time we talk he's like "Well me and Louis are the same and I would be worried that you'd cheat on him in college, so he must be worried too." Oh really? Then WHY oh WHY is it that Louis denies ALL KINDS of things like that? Hm? Tell me that!

Second of all, STOP mentioning for us to break up. NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. And so HELP ME FUCKING GOD you convince my boyfriend to break up with me and I will GO TO YOUR HOUSE with a fucking CHAINSAW and fuck you up. No amount of fucking LIGHT SABERS could save you from me YOU FUCKING GEEKASS LOSER BASTARD. GO TO HELL! I HATE YOU!

Thirdly, he's one of those people that CONSTANTLY point out any typo you make, insignificant remark, or LACK OF TYPING. "Haha you repeated the same word twice." WHY YES, YES I DID YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I WAS UP SINCE 1PM THE DAY BEFORE!! IT'S 9: GODDAMNED 30 IN THE MORNING RIGHT NOW!!

FOURTHLY, I was up ALL FUCKING night, literally, with cramps that I get sometimes after...er, well sex. They don't happen much but OH MY GOD was this one hell. I couldn't fucking SLEEP. I was curled up into a ball in FUCKING AGONY because of LOUIS who was too distracted with ARLEN to give two shits about ME. THE GIRLFRIEND.

AND FINALLY to end this rant of doom, HE REPEATS HIMSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! YES THE FUCKING PICTURE OF THE BIG CAT ATTACKING THE SMALL CAT WAS FUNNY THE FIRST FUCKING NINE TIMES YOU SHOWED IT TO ME BUT NOT ANYMORE!! YOUR MEMORY IS WORSE THAN MY BOYFRIENDS!

And since my boyfriend and his "my friends are more important than you are" attitude has gotten me just upset as well, I'm adding TWO NEW NAMES to our fucking hitlist.

The Know-It-All Geekass Bastard (Arlen - Long I know but DAMN I'm PISSED right now!)
and
The Ever Forgetful Dipwad (since he loves to forget EVERYTHING important to me, involving the state of my health. I told them I was almost sent to the hospital last night and you know what they say? "LOL What would you have told them? You had sex too hard?" NO YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS GODDAMNIT :LSHDFLSHDFL:JDSHFJSDFJDS:SDHLHDSLLSH:DFL:JSDHL:SDHLFLSJDHDFS)

....Okay. I think I'm feeling a little better now. Excuse any typos.
~Ashley

Hit List Proposal: Miguel aka Creepy Miguel

Reason(s) Why: Hits on every girl in sight, asks girls he barely knows to prom, lisping problem, appearance similar to a turtle, stated that he was better than Louis (source: Ashley), has tried playing that kindergarten trick "if I'm mean to her maybe she'll pay attention to me" (Source Kelly) and is just very creepily weird.

Proposed Nickname: Creepy McGee

All in favor say I.

Just letting you all know I changed the layout finally. I like it a lot; let me know what you think ^^;;

Ok...We all know I had a party right? And WHY didn't it turn out ok? Well I'll tell you.

MAINLY BECAUSE MR.DICKHEAD DECIDED TO TOTAL MY HOUSE!! First of all, the brought TONS of alcohol that got Jess and Steph WASTED like the dumbasses they are...even though he TOLD me he wasn't!

Then of course, he wanted to take the VCR in the living room to MY room AND THEN HE DIDN'T HOOK ANYTHING BACK UP SO NOW WHO'S THE ONE GETTING SCREETCHED AT BY THEIR PARENTS IN FRONT OF THEIR BEST FRIEND ?! ME!!! IT'S ME!!! FUCK HIM!

FUCK HIM SO MUCH HE COLLAPSES! AUGHHH!

SDL:FHSDL:FHL:SDHFSLDJFHL:SDHF

~ASHLEY!!!

UNYIELDING TANK! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE WATCH LIST RIGHT NOW! THIS IS A PRIVATE JOURNAL FOR WOMEN ONLY!! ARE YOU A WOMAN? NO! NOW GET YOUR ASS OFF! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GO IN OUR BUSINESS! NOW GET OUT!

I can't believe you! I just can't believe you. I knew this was going to be a bad idea; I shouldn't have forced you to get a stupid LJ account.

But still! GET OFF THIS COMMUNITY!

a lil bit of a girl's playful teasing can get a guy all over u (literally)

fucking pisses me off....main topic, Dude A (kinda forgot his name at the moment)

I was at a party on friday, and I made out with Dude A, (I think hes like 25 or so...) and after that, the WHOLE night, he was ALL OVER ME WTF?!?!? at first it was ok, but then it got annoying, cuz I was having fun with my friends, staying away from him, and he comes by me and pulls me away, I jus gave him what he wanted to get him off my back (made out with him a lot) ugh...regret it...damn me...getting drunk...

well thats just one of the many I have had recently...but CLINGY GUYS SUCK!!! (unless ur dating them, when there are some exceptions) but other than that THEY ARE SUCH LOSERS!!!!111

What the shit is this?

Remember the Wondering Fuckhead? Well, check out this little dity I got off his lj:

"Well one last thing to get off my chest. Ashley found out about me dating Julie. I feel bad about it, especially since I'm not totally over her. But I'm with Julie and I am enjoying being with her right now. I'm a clinical hopeless case with all this. I just really am. I'm happy with Julie, but there are those nights I sleep alone in my bed and just regret everything that happened between me and Ashley. Mostly because, I do miss her at times. But I guess I just need time (as shown on my tattoo) to help me move on. We all have those things in our lives that make us sad each time we look back at them, and She is one of those things. But, it isn't fair to Julie, and so I just concentrate on what I have with Julie. Right now, we're about to celebrate 6 months, and it is just like "whoa... 6 months" Time goes by so fast... how... why? Now that I'm in college, it's like the clock goes slower, but the calender speeds right by. Julie seems to be happy with me, and I enjoy being with her. So we'll see how it all works out. It just feels strange.
On top of that, I believe Ash may have blocked me, and I can't blame her. She wants to get away from me. I told her to get out of my life completely then. And why did I say just a horrible thing, because she told me she should never have given me her virginity. It was just a bad conversation, but essentially, lots of emotions and lots of yelling in chat. So I think she is gone... but... I can't do anything about that but just add her to the list of memories I can't get rid of... nor try to get rid of. I know I probably focus too much on her, but... I can't seem to let go of my past.
And to amend myself in 1 point. Ash, you were right. I am emo. Sigh... why is it that saying that isn't the same as when I found I was bi? When I found out I was a weight lifted off... saying this is like getting dirty... in a bad way. Oh well. So to close. I'm happy with Julie right now and gonna see how far that goes, and I do miss and am saddened by what happened with Ash, but I am going to move on because I don't know what else could be done about it. "I'm missing an arm" is what another friend of mine said, and it seems appropriate here. I'm missing an arm, but I have something new to have. Will it ever replace that arm, no, but will it get me by through my days , yes. Well... that's it for now. Now to go back to cramming for this damn Math test... grrrr... hate hate hate."

AUGHH! YES I BLOCKED HIM! BECAUSE TALKING TO HIM MAKES ME WANT TO RIP OUT HIS SPINE AND EAT IT!!!!

That is all.
~Ashley

FUCKING THIEVES NEED TO BE DRAGGED BY THEIR DICKS OR WHATEVER PAINFUL PRIVATES CUZ THEY FUCKING SUCK!!

Stealing is something everyone has done at least once, and sometimes more, but you just DONT steal from a friend, or ppl u hang with, WTF IS THAT?! and now my friend Charlie (dude I like btw) is like the nicest, coolest guy at the anime club at QC, he's cool with everything, and lenient with the club rules. so WHO THE FUCKING HELL Steals from a guy like that?! Thats just completely messed up! and not to mention its in the locker where NEW FUCKING MEMBERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN! You fucking people fucked everything up now, fucking thieves. not to mention the Nintendo DS was a gift from basically the whole club (excluding most new members) for his birthday, and that includes me! it was my present to him too! You fucking thieving assholes.

ok...now Im done with my ranting..you fucking thieves...umm...yea..ok...now done..(though they'll never see this, this post goes out to you assholes, and all you thieves out there that fucking take from friends or just anyone you DONT FUCKING TAKE FROM)

yea...that relieved a lot...phew...