i'm sorry for not ever updating. i've been rediculously busy.
i probably wouldn't even be updating right now if it weren't for the several requests i've recently recieved.
not that i don't want to... i've just no time.
been working officially at lley katz long enough to get free shit. i'm getting my first free tattoo sometime this week on my thighs, along with a touch up on my first one and the matching one on the other hip. yay.
been thinking about gettign my nipples pierced too... i can order jewelry that my body won't reject so i've been seriously considering it.
you are now reading the journal of the newest employee of Alley Kats Tattoo & Piercing.
MY FIRST DAY IS TOMORROW SO ALL OF YOU SHOULD VISIT ME ON YO LUNCH BREAK SUKKAS. i start a 11:45.
details as to what days and how many hours i'll be working will be worhted through tomorrow. i get paid $20 a day plus 10% of whatever the shop makes. so in one day i could make as much as $80. and the best part... after a month ALL INKING AND PIERCING IS FREE FOR ME. YES.
Nothing brings me comfort and nothing brings me peace heartache is unrelenting will this hurting ever cease?
What's wrong with me? No, I musn't blame myself for what you can't explain. You said you'd never hurt me but can't you see that i'm in pain?
You left me in the darkness crying all alone. My soul, you took it with you. All that's left is skin and bone.
I try my best to keep busy, can't get you out of my head. Do you even miss me? Is there someone there to share your bed? what are you really thinking, did you ever really care? how I think you're fairing, how short you cut your hair. I wake up every hour or so half expecting you'll be there. You said you'd be my savior, you even said you 'swear'.
Oh no, you made a promise that you couldn't keep. that is why i'm dead inside- why I'm losing so much sleep.
Now I've never felt more lonely than I do in a crowded room. There's no sunshine in my life encased in endless gloom.
I'm so sick of drowning in my salty tears. To think that you could have move on would be my biggest fear.
Now I'm sitting at a crossroads with no more will to go, and how absurd it is to think that they think i'll grow.
You lied when you said you think it's best and you know I know.
They say in time I'll stop praying for a life with you-
but time does not heal as they say and happiness finds so few.
No matter how hard I try to ignore how I truly feel, love is a delicate machine and you keep spinning my wheel.
don't you just love it when you're absolute lowest, idiots on lj say random and insulting things to you to make you feel even worse than you already do?
i know i do. boy yes.
that being said, i'm changing my comments options. you leave your user name or you don't fucking comment.
just a quick update for those of you who might actually be curios about what the hell i'm doing.
sunday: starting our road trip back to az. the AC in shawn's honda broke so we're stuck goin g90 down an interstate highway with all the windows down. luckily shawn has a decent stereo system. that aside shawn just got his ipod adapters so we have 3 days worth of non-stop music without having to repeat a single song. hat should rawk.
after we get back to az, we really only have enough time to pack our shit and nab heatherkins. then we're off to california to see THE FUCKIN X GAMES IN LA BABY!! considering we're slightly strapped for cash, we may or may not wind up staying a night or 2 all sleeping in the honda. hahaha.
then back to az to get settles back into the apt and hopefully find myself a job... prepare for college and what have you.
BUT WAIT THEEEEERE'S MORE.
aug 18-21 shawn heather a few other unnamed friends and mself will quite possibly be goin gto spend some time in a beach-side bungalow in beutiful sunny puerto panasco, mexico.
and just for the record. i'm still miserable as fuck... but at least i have things to keep my mind busy for a while. so um hooray for that. or something. yay.
really. i want to know. i mean sure life is supposed to have its ups and downs and everything... but i'd like to know why the people who really deserve to be happy have more downs than ups.
if everyone keeps saying i deserve to be happy... than why is it that every time i find something that does make me happy its taken away from me just as quickly?
what have i done to deserve this?
and if i'll get over it like everyone says i will... when? yeah yeah yeah time heals all wounds blah blah blah. i don't care what anyone says. it doesn't. time doesn't heal anything. time just allows a person to learn to ignore the pain they have that they can't escape. time does nothing in terms of healing. time just allows people to deny their misery. time allows us to convince ourselves that one day, their quality of life will improve. time does nothing but give us false hope for a better tomorrow; when in actuality... tomorrow is jsut as bad as today, if not worse.
if time really does heal all wounds... how is it that such horrible things can happen and permanently change a person for the worse? for instance: a happily married couple. truly happy, truly in love, no problems. they have a long hapy life together and one of the spouces dies. the other is left alone and miserable. never truly healing, only awaiting death. instead of living the rest of their days to the fullest, they simply rot. they waste away, nothing without their better half.
my mom works in a nursing home, she sees things like that happen all the time.
if things like that can happen so frequently how can ANYONE say that time heals ANYTHING?
you never love anyone like you do your first love. i know for a fact that i will never feel the same way about anyone like i do him.
it just leaves me to wonder... if that's as good as it gets, then what's the point of it all? i can never do any better than him. not because i don't think i can do better, but because there IS nothing better out there. he was...he IS perfect for me.
i don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find someone that i could settle for.
i don't want to convince myself that i can be truly happy with second best.
i don't want second best.
i want him.
sometimes i really wish he could read this. but what i'd give anyhting for, is to be able to know truly and honestly exactly how he feels. i wish i could get inside his head. if only for a moment.
Lord, give me strength to accept the things i cannot change.
gzrgbhzdgdnb zdkh GOD HELP ME.
i have never had such a hard time coping with anything in my entire fucking life before. being kicked out of my home, getting beaten, taking care of a drunken abusive father.... THAT DIDN'T EVEN HURT AS MUCH AS THIS.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY GOD FEELS I DESERVE TO BE PERPETUALLY MISERABLE?!? no one has ever made me as whole as he did and now that he's gone, i've never felt so empty.
i shouldn't even be writing this crap. this is fucking rediculous.
you know what, its not even god i blame for this... if this ended because he was actually genuinely looking out for my best interest he would have fucking realized by NOW that... well gee....THIS IS ONLY MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE!!!!!!! if he was ending it because he thought i'd be better off without him... and then sees that i'm a fucking mess... wouldn't he REALIZE that i'm put in a far far worse position by him ending it???
fucking shoot me. please. someone. anyone. i'd ask god to forgive you when i died. i swear. i've consider it euthenasia.
well, reluctantly, i accept my push back into the single life.
god, i forgot how much i hate this. how lonely it is, how much it fucking hurts to be away from him.
haven't heard from him since the day after the breakup. that was, what, 2 weeks ago? yeah, two weeks ago at least. it feels like a fucking eternity.
and i would greatly appreciate it if i didn't get any of those 'you're better off without him' or 'don't worry you'll find someone else' speeches. because i'm not at a place where they're going to make me feel any better right now. in fact, they'll either deeply hurt me or just piss me the fuck off.
at any rate, i'm in florida visiting my brother. we leave for our 5 day road trip back to az on the 31st.
not even skipping town and traveling cross country can occupy my thoughts enough to get him out of my head. i was miserable in arizona because everything reminded me of him. now i'm in this rediculously beautiful place with beaches, powder-fine sand, gentle crashing and curling waves in an endless tirquoise sea and i'm miserable because i don't have that one special person to share it with.
i can't fucking win. i just can't. period.
why don't i deserve to be fucking happy? what is so fucking bad about me that i can't keep a man happy for more than just a couple of months?
i must have been a fucking whore in a past life or something. that's the only thing i can think of. one thing is certain
i am definately being punished for something. severely
i have never been in this much pain in my entire fucking life. i love him so much.
if he were to call me the day befor ehe left for pensicola and tell me he made a huge mistake and he wants me back, i'd have all of my shit packed into my honda and would be out the door before we even hung up.
its not that i'm waiting for him, because he insisted that i don't....its just... i can't move on. why would i want to move on when i found the one person who makes me whole? the one person i can say literally anything to and not be made to feel like a psycho or a fucking moron (even if i am)? no one treats me the way he does. he just makes me feel so...special. he was, is, and will always be, my better half. and nothing that happens to either of us, will ever make me love him any less.
i just want to say thank you to all my friends who've been so concerned about me. i wouldn't consider myself to have a lot of close friends, but the ones i do have i wouldn't give up for the world. i can't thank you guys enough for being so there for me.
heathersarahbrittany, thanks for spending so much time with me and putting up with my constant whining and inability to drop a subject.
chrisgreenejohnlangon thanks for putting up with my long phone calls consisting majorly of nothing but whining, crying, and put downs.
richard, thank you for being the person you are and for being so inhumanly understanding. if the yin to my yang is supposed to be a guy, its you hands down.
i don't deserve any of you guys, but that doesn't mean i don't appreciate what you've done, and what you're always doing for me. i love you guys.
crushed