alchemycrack

hn..

oop o.O;..i forgot about this rp ^____^ ROYS BACK!!!!! prepare for tormenting hagren no *^_____^*

::dead:: @_@...sorry guys...little hiatus until my sanity returns ;-;..,ill be back though in a week i swear!

I can't do this any longer..writing these thoughts down. Heh, it seems weak on my part. Winry-san..she forced me to remember the past while..to remember that incodent. It was my fault. I was ordered to kill doctors. Innocent people, I did. Just because the military demanded. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. I walked up to that hut with all intentions to kill them with a full fledged anger. They had gone against the military hadn't they? They were the ones who betrayed us. I stood in their doorway with a gun pointed at the husband. He was pleading for his life. I didn't even flinch until after it'd been taken care of. After I felt this strange feeling and was almost pushed into shooting them. I don't know what it was then.. I still don't understand what it is. Something tells me it isn't over though. I stayed in that house for the longest time until Hughes came to find me...you remember that ne?..I couldn't move after what I'd done. I know I'll be going to hell after I die for this but I wish there was something I could have done to stop all of this from happening...

At first, I remember distinctly one thing. A strange humming. It felt like someone else was controlling me then. Like I wasn't myself, that isn't any reason to kill people..I should have been stronger...I should have been able to ignore the feeling of my fingers being forced to the trigger. That was the only day I ever cried during that war..they were trying to help everyone. They'd tended to our own men, they tended to me once as well. I shot them cold blood with out a moments though..the worst part is..I don't remember much of what else happened that day. I must have killed more than just them but, their lives seem insignifigant to me at the moment..

I remember that day clear as anything else...when Hughes came through that door he didn't see me with eyes of judgement but sadness..heh do you remember? it was late that night when we'd gotten to camp...you asked me what I was going to do after all this..I wanted to end my own life at first..Equivalant trade right? you refused to let me. Told me to rise to the top in their memory if I truly wanted to do something I could. I've never told you this but....you...saved my life then. Your the only person I'd consider family...

..I've started to remember things recently...things I couldn't because I either didn't want too or wasn't supposed too..the Ishbal war...why did I even start in it...was it just because I wanted that title of flame alchemist to become a reality...but, am I really that shallow? Just to fight for a title. Sometimes I can't help but think I might be. Hughes is right for once. I don't have a family. He's wrong in the aspect of me needing one however. I don't deserve one. Who knows, maybe I'd just kill them too..I dont really know anymore. All I do is sit in this office wasting my time and effort when I should be out doing something. Serving some sort of purpose. Just wasted space.

hnn..someone told me i had problems with personal space...truth is...I dont care about personal space ( -_-) i guess? who should...hn..I've been just bored lately..nothing excites me..not even picking on those Elrics. Tch...Future Furher needs a change of scenery. *nodnod* hnnnn.....hughes..come entertain me...thats all for now..::wanders off to go find Hughes::

hnn..nothing to do but to day dream about becoming furher...::yawn:: My pencils are gone..I'll need to go buy ome more soon :: Points to all the pencils in the ceiling above him:: maybe I'll do that...yeah..supply shopping should cure me of this endless boredom..::Sigh..::

what exactly am I doing here writing this journal...::yawn:: I have nothing else better to do just like those slacking elrics ><;! you better be reporting to central soon ! ..ah who am I kidding. The only one I havn't heard from is the only one I want to hear from is the only one who won't contact me for some reason. Ugh. That was confusing. It's the morning, I'm not fully functioning ::doodles:: egh....I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm in charge, I could just go home and sleep. Yes sleep would be nice. Another few hours of ...zzzz....::passed out in chair::