ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay, so against better judgement, I wanted to get back into RPing, which I haven't touched seriously since like last year and it is honestly really nervewracking, ahaha~ Not naming characters or games yet because it'll be really embarrassing if I don't pass the application stage, haha, but it's the first time I played a panfandom game and it's just a test drive at the moment which I love because I can try out different characters with zero obligation and best of all-- nobody knows it's me c': All the old anxieties are still there; I keep messing up and can't remember to write in present tense because I hardly ever do that unless I'm recalling a dream, and I keep worrying I'm not coming off as interesting enough and I'm not writing so that the other person is having fun, and is my character justification off?? I don't know because I'm not familiar with all these canons, and I haven't finished writing my app yet so there's so many things I'm doing without being 100% sure that's the direction I want to take with the character and ahhhh. I want to be the sort of writing partner that people get excited about seeing a message in their email first thing in the morning, you know? Like how many people have been for me. I've been told that I'm a good RPer and that I keep characters in character and am fun and interesting and all that, but even if this is terrible of me, part of me doesn't really believe it 100%?? Because all I've ever played were single fandom Tennis games-- one single fandom, and the same people over and over again through the same games and the same characters. It's not that I think they're lying, but more like they know it's me and that already colors their judgement?? I want to be judged on how I write, not the person I am, even though muse and mun are supposed to stay completely separate. All things considering, I'm still a newbie RPer. I can't consider Tennis games to be real games for me (sorry, sorry this is rude, probably) because getting in is so lax and characters are just sort of vaguely understood by the players instead of being shown explicitly through writing like panfandom has to be because you assume nobody knows your fandom. I've been too coddled, haha! There were even times where people have invited me into games, and said I didn't even need to app because they knew how I can write. But at the same time, they were expecting the same characters, and what if I didn't want to play that character? What if I wanted to try out a new character? Not needing to apply is only going to make my characterization suffer, because then I don't have a good foundation, and nobody ever critiques or gives feedback or anything; I know there's things I can improve on, but I've never given the opportunity to welcome feedback so now I'm sort of scared because I want to play but I'm probably really terrible at it and I don't want to be that one person that's sort of awkwardly lumbering along so I'm really really terrified of playing this game.

WOW ZERO CONFIDENCE OKAY.

...but, you know? Last night, after I sent off my first few tags in the test drive, it was the first time in so long that I was too excited to sleep, that I wanted to sit and type and write, and that excitement was a sort of encouragement, that this is a good idea and I'm headed the right direction, who cares what other people think, because a test drive allows that certain freedom.

So I think I'll keep at it...!