I had a second meeting with my history of photography professor. It went fairly well. I wasn;t there as long as I was for the first meeting. But it was still a good conversation. We mainly talked about the photos. And she was surprised with how well my still lifes turned out. She said she was a bit worried because she knew i wasn't really fond of the idea of doing still life. She liked my people pictures, but said she preferred less posed pictures. She even told me that i could probably make money off of my portraits though because they were really good..just not her "thing". She asked me if I liked any of my work or if ithought they were good...and i was honest. I said no. I didn't think they were good at all. And she kind of just looked at me all dumfounded like. She couldn't believe it and told me that they were good and that i should like them. And she gave me another assignment. I get to do more still lifes and people...but this time the people had to be candid.
This past weekend I took all of my pictures. I have almost 200 to choose from! I don't know how I'm going to decide which to show her! there's soooo many! I haven't even started editing half of them! That's probably going to be what i do over thanksgiving break so that they'll be done and i can show her the week we get back.
I'm so overwhelmed with all the decisions i have to make soon! I don't even know what to do! I tried focusing on just one part...but it connects to every other part. I just don't know what to do!
I could... stay in Vermillion. If I did this I'd need to find a part time job and an apt. that allows pets. And the biggest reason I like this option is because I have 4 more months to figure out my shit and be in a safer environment. Plus i could pay sliding scale and continue to see my therapist.
Or go home... If i did this i'd have to decide what I'm doing there. I could find a full time job and just jump into my career life or I could find a part time one and save up and travel. Plus side to this is I'd be living at home...so free living and I'd be with my best friends.
I'm still not sure what I want to do in life either. I thought about event planning...but the hours are intense and i wouldn't have weekends. I thought about being an advisor..and i really like this idea! But most places want either a masters degree (which i can't afford) or min 3 yrs experience (which i obviously don't have).
And my history of photography professor thinks i should look at my options in fine arts and stay in vermillion and take a studio class via audit.
But my mom wants me to come home and my dad wants me to just figure it all out.
I can't just snap my fingers and say abbra cadabbra! Life doesn't work that way.
Today's session actually went really really well! I was able to give her everything i wanted her to know at thursdays session. And i finally feel like i'm taking a step forward with no steps back.
Fingers crossed that thursdays session goes just as well!
I can feel myself starting to shut down. I know part of it is just because i've been so tired lately. But i'm scared that i'm shutting down in therapy too. I don't want to, but my mind and insticts have finally realized that december is right around the corner and once it hits i'm going to have to deal with the emotional pain of losing yet again another therapist. It's frustrating though because i'm trying to fight it. I know if i can just manage to hold on and keep going that i could get so much more done with her. But I'm scared too. I've been trying really hard not to get attached to her, but i can't seem to convince myself not to. There's been so much on my mind lately...especially certain events and I feel like i haven't slept in over a month. In all reality i have slept, not much though...and it's not a restful sleep. I managed to finally work up the courage to...kind of...talk to her about it. But i still can't bring myself to say it.
Sometimes i wish i was one of those clients who could just open up and spill my guts out. But i have too much past and too many bad experiences to let myself do it. It's so frustrating because i'm constantly screaming it in my head. I know what i want to say and i know it backwards and forwards. But the stupid road block just won't go away. I beat myself up pretty badly after yesterdays appointment. i feel like shit when i can't give her answers or tell her what's going through my head...
she asked me a simple scale question on where my mood/stress level was. and i couldn't give her an answer. But in my head i was screaming: What number does numb fall under?! Why is it so hard to say it though?!!!
I've found other ways to tell her some things that i felt needed to be talked about, but the super important stuff i just can't seem to get out. I hate it because in my head i'm constantly replaying everything and saying everything i wish i could've said.
I just wish i could tell her that the issue ios the fact that i feel like my head is stuck on replay and it's constantly going through my mind. Even when i try to distract myself it doesn't work. Showers just give me more time to think about it and i just end up curled up in a ball in the corner and specific songs remind me too much of it right now too. Breathing exercises caused me to have a panic attack because all i could think about was how i couldn't breathe during everything. Tea doesn't help because i drink it to keep mysel awake.
I wish i could tell her that my nightmares get so bad that i wake up at 4am and everything on my bed is off of my bed. It's just me on top of a mattress. Sometimes they get so intense that i wake up sreaming or crying or jerk myself awake because i literally have to vomit.
I couldn't even tell her what i dressed up as last yr because that stupid costume has the images and the smell and every vivid disturbing memory attached to it. I just didn't want to go back to that place. I hate when i end up there. Why does every single piece of it have to seem so realistic. I don't think i'm reliving it, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it.
And there's so much more that i couldn't say that i wanted to say. I'm so tired of constantly being tired. i'm annoyed with the fact that i am forcing myself to stay awake because then it's less likely that i'll have nightmares. But even then i still have those horrible images. And it seems like everything is triggering them lately.
i'm not doing well in classes right now because of it all either. My grades have started taking a hit because i can't remember anything for quizzes and exams. It just doesn't click anymore. Nothing is sinking in. I actually failed a quiz last week. I've never literally failed anything...and this time i actually mean failed..as in a 45. Not even half right.
Sometimes i really wish that she could just open up my head and pick out all the thoughts and memories and learn it that way because i'm not sure if i'll be able to say it. I feel like i will be able to at some point, but some point just might not be soon enough.
it's only 11:13pm right now and i'm exhausted. But i can;t let myself go to bed. I tried so hard to sleep last night and all that happened was tossing and turning and bad memories. I think I had 3 panic attacks last night, but i can;t really remember. And the 1 or 2 of sleep i managed were useless. They were filled with horrible nightmares. i woke up to everything on my bed being off my bed...again. this has been happening a lot lately. i wish I could tell my therpaist why this keeps happening, but i'm not sure i'm ready to go there.
And on top of it all i just have so much on my mind that sleep just seems impossible. =/
I've been trying to do my therapy hw for tuesday for the past 3 hours. I've answered on question and have at least one more i need to answer. I have a test tuesday so i'll be studying for that all of tomorrow so i have to get this hw done now. I just don't know how to challenge something i fully believe in though.UGH. =/
It's almost Halloween...and i just want to press the fastforward button.I hate this holiday. It just needs to go away...i don't want to deal with it.
On top of that there's so much going on right now and i feel like every week there's a new problem or something huge happens. i feel like no one understands why i'm upset though. So i'm forced to put up this fake happy act and pretend like everything is ok. And i know for sure I have to do this because I told a few people i was upset and they all told me to suck it up and just fake a smile. That's putting it nicely btw. i was so pissed by this too! It's like who are they to tellme that the shit going on in my life isn't big?!
I'm sorry I'm dealing with previously stated issues (earlier entries), added by the school stress, added by one of my friends being in a fucked up situation and I'm th only one willing to help her, added by the fact that I'm the only one another friend decided to confide in about the fact that she was raped and drugged over the weekend. Add onto that the fact that I graduate in a month and a half and still have no idea what to do with my life. and my parents are being complete assholes about it.
I feel like the only time I can take down my shield is in therapy lately...and of course I lose that once i graduate.So the added stress of losing therapy in general is kind of freaking me out- but i really like the woman I'm seeing and I'm sad because i know we could have gotten a lot done with that extra semester.
I honestly feel so lost and defeated right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm no help to my friends or myself right now.
Wow...so I have a lot to catch everyone up on. so here's a list. lol 1.I am graduating in December. yay? I'm pretty much terrified because i still don't know what to do with my life. Nothing sounds even remotely interesting. And I'm so freaking terrified to leave therapy because of it...leading into 2!
2. I'm going to be done with therapy come December.I don't knowif I'll ever get the chance to do it again though. Honestly my parents aren't the greatest at understanding these types of things.So if I do see someone else it'll be out of pocket and probably behind their backs.
3. Ireally really like the woman I'm seeing now. I liked dennise and laura too.But Kendra just kind of gets it. Laura was amazing, but it still took her a while to figure me out. And Dennise was good too, but she had the same problem.Kendra is pretty much on the same brain wave as me.Maybe she's just that good. But I really wish I had the entire year to work with her.I think it'd be a strong opportunity for both of us.
4. I have no freaking clue what to do with myself after college. i'm so torn on where I want to be. I always thought I wanted to stay in VA or at least on the east coast...but now I just don't know. =/ I have a lot offriends in SD/IA and there are alot of opportunities here.But I wouldn't getasmany jobs dealing with my major or be paid as well.
5. Way too much shit has happened this semester! Cassie had her baby last week.My house back home flooded. Lots of intense crazy shit going on with one of my roommates.Drama in the sorority...and I'm alum! I shouldn't be the one these girls are coming to...but for some reason I am. My bestest is expecting. Jae is still in the picture while being out of the picture.My classes are kicking my ass. And over all I just feel trapped/miserable/confused/and just plain what the fuckedness... I just don't know what to do anymore. =/
So I had therapy twice this past week. It went really really well. I think out of all the therapists I've had she's going to end up being the best-which is bittersweet since I might be graduating in December. Go figure I find the one who matches up with me last. That's just my fucking luck i guess.
Anyways. The first appointment is always the uber boring interview type questions to get to know each other. But she remembered that I'm really artsy so we did collages to describe ourselves instead of the questions. So it was way more relaxed and more my speed. We even ended up going 30 minutes over. That relieved me a lot because I actually told her a lot that i don't normally talk about until way far into the year. And the second appointment went just as well! I was really surprised though because she was able to read me really well in our first session. Like half the time i kept thinking that she needed to get out of my head because she was verbatum saying what i was thinking! It was almost creepy. And I'm pretty sure that's uber rare to have in a therapist.
Now onto the shitty stuff. School has just gotten worse for me. I still don't know when I'm graduating so that's been a major stressor. And on top of it my house back home flooded and my room got the worst of it. My parents have to pretty much replace everything downstairs...which sucks a lot. And Jae and I are having some issues right now with the fact that we're not dating and he still wants to.
But I'm tired of writing and thinking and dealing with everything right now. So I'm going to leave this very summarized and go do...something.
tomorrow is my first day back in therapy after 3 months without it. I'm really nervous to start up with yet again a new therapist. I'm getting really tired of having to start over again. i just want to give them the past 4 yrs in a book or something so i don't have to constantly do everything i don't want to do anymore.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of everything right now. This summer was so up and down. And I'm emotionally drained and physically drained.
