I can feel myself starting to shut down. I know part of it is just because i've been so tired lately. But i'm scared that i'm shutting down in therapy too. I don't want to, but my mind and insticts have finally realized that december is right around the corner and once it hits i'm going to have to deal with the emotional pain of losing yet again another therapist. It's frustrating though because i'm trying to fight it. I know if i can just manage to hold on and keep going that i could get so much more done with her. But I'm scared too. I've been trying really hard not to get attached to her, but i can't seem to convince myself not to. There's been so much on my mind lately...especially certain events and I feel like i haven't slept in over a month. In all reality i have slept, not much though...and it's not a restful sleep. I managed to finally work up the courage to...kind of...talk to her about it. But i still can't bring myself to say it.
Sometimes i wish i was one of those clients who could just open up and spill my guts out. But i have too much past and too many bad experiences to let myself do it. It's so frustrating because i'm constantly screaming it in my head. I know what i want to say and i know it backwards and forwards. But the stupid road block just won't go away. I beat myself up pretty badly after yesterdays appointment. i feel like shit when i can't give her answers or tell her what's going through my head...
she asked me a simple scale question on where my mood/stress level was. and i couldn't give her an answer. But in my head i was screaming: What number does numb fall under?!
Why is it so hard to say it though?!!!
I've found other ways to tell her some things that i felt needed to be talked about, but the super important stuff i just can't seem to get out. I hate it because in my head i'm constantly replaying everything and saying everything i wish i could've said.
I just wish i could tell her that the issue ios the fact that i feel like my head is stuck on replay and it's constantly going through my mind. Even when i try to distract myself it doesn't work. Showers just give me more time to think about it and i just end up curled up in a ball in the corner and specific songs remind me too much of it right now too. Breathing exercises caused me to have a panic attack because all i could think about was how i couldn't breathe during everything. Tea doesn't help because i drink it to keep mysel awake.
I wish i could tell her that my nightmares get so bad that i wake up at 4am and everything on my bed is off of my bed. It's just me on top of a mattress. Sometimes they get so intense that i wake up sreaming or crying or jerk myself awake because i literally have to vomit.
I couldn't even tell her what i dressed up as last yr because that stupid costume has the images and the smell and every vivid disturbing memory attached to it. I just didn't want to go back to that place. I hate when i end up there. Why does every single piece of it have to seem so realistic. I don't think i'm reliving it, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it.
And there's so much more that i couldn't say that i wanted to say. I'm so tired of constantly being tired. i'm annoyed with the fact that i am forcing myself to stay awake because then it's less likely that i'll have nightmares. But even then i still have those horrible images. And it seems like everything is triggering them lately.
i'm not doing well in classes right now because of it all either. My grades have started taking a hit because i can't remember anything for quizzes and exams. It just doesn't click anymore. Nothing is sinking in. I actually failed a quiz last week. I've never literally failed anything...and this time i actually mean failed..as in a 45. Not even half right.
Sometimes i really wish that she could just open up my head and pick out all the thoughts and memories and learn it that way because i'm not sure if i'll be able to say it. I feel like i will be able to at some point, but some point just might not be soon enough.
and i just had an idea...
i think this is a good place to stop for now.
Sometimes i wish i was one of those clients who could just open up and spill my guts out. But i have too much past and too many bad experiences to let myself do it. It's so frustrating because i'm constantly screaming it in my head. I know what i want to say and i know it backwards and forwards. But the stupid road block just won't go away. I beat myself up pretty badly after yesterdays appointment. i feel like shit when i can't give her answers or tell her what's going through my head...
she asked me a simple scale question on where my mood/stress level was. and i couldn't give her an answer. But in my head i was screaming: What number does numb fall under?!
Why is it so hard to say it though?!!!
I've found other ways to tell her some things that i felt needed to be talked about, but the super important stuff i just can't seem to get out. I hate it because in my head i'm constantly replaying everything and saying everything i wish i could've said.
I just wish i could tell her that the issue ios the fact that i feel like my head is stuck on replay and it's constantly going through my mind. Even when i try to distract myself it doesn't work. Showers just give me more time to think about it and i just end up curled up in a ball in the corner and specific songs remind me too much of it right now too. Breathing exercises caused me to have a panic attack because all i could think about was how i couldn't breathe during everything. Tea doesn't help because i drink it to keep mysel awake.
I wish i could tell her that my nightmares get so bad that i wake up at 4am and everything on my bed is off of my bed. It's just me on top of a mattress. Sometimes they get so intense that i wake up sreaming or crying or jerk myself awake because i literally have to vomit.
I couldn't even tell her what i dressed up as last yr because that stupid costume has the images and the smell and every vivid disturbing memory attached to it. I just didn't want to go back to that place. I hate when i end up there. Why does every single piece of it have to seem so realistic. I don't think i'm reliving it, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it.
And there's so much more that i couldn't say that i wanted to say. I'm so tired of constantly being tired. i'm annoyed with the fact that i am forcing myself to stay awake because then it's less likely that i'll have nightmares. But even then i still have those horrible images. And it seems like everything is triggering them lately.
i'm not doing well in classes right now because of it all either. My grades have started taking a hit because i can't remember anything for quizzes and exams. It just doesn't click anymore. Nothing is sinking in. I actually failed a quiz last week. I've never literally failed anything...and this time i actually mean failed..as in a 45. Not even half right.
Sometimes i really wish that she could just open up my head and pick out all the thoughts and memories and learn it that way because i'm not sure if i'll be able to say it. I feel like i will be able to at some point, but some point just might not be soon enough.
and i just had an idea...
i think this is a good place to stop for now.