I'm at a new point in my life.
I don't feel any longing for love anymore. And not even in an angsty or sad-ish way at all. It just doesn't even enter my head. I'm confused at that. I don't feel jealous of others in perfect relationships and how they can just smile and laugh together. I don't know how to explain it really but it's just... odd.
Tried out a relationship again a few months ago. This guy seemed to understand all my little "problems" and quirks (cutting) as well as the things that have happened to me. I thought it would turn out fine or at least not go terribly bad or anything. He kind of changed through the weeks though. Did some things to me I didn't want him to do. Made me do some things I didn't really want to do. Told me I needed to for the relationship to work out. Also said that it would help with my "issues" because of what happened to me when I was younger. Didn't help. I was scared to death. After a bit I got angry and said he shouldn't have forced me and he just said that I couldn't -do- anything about it and started to ignore me. No calling or e-mail or any of that.
I don't think there is really anything I can do about it. We -were- in a relationship at the time and even after being forced I still stayed with him for weeks after. What I don't understand is why I would stay. I was scared when I was with him but I still went around with him. Because of a few things he did I have some health issues I need to deal with now. *lol* Sheesh. When I first found out I figured it was divine retribution for letting him do that stuff to me. My punishment.
I'm just posting this because I can't think of anything to do and I needed to-- I don't know. It's worse than my anxiety from the abuse from my childhood. There's that not feeling anything stuff and a... disconnection. From myself and most of the world around me. I feel like I'm split and even while one part of me is living my everyday life and laughing and joking the other side is just staring and not feeling or thinking or anything. But it's there. That twisting pain that pulls at my gut and my heart doesn't happen much anymore when I think about things that have happened to me but I almost feel that this disconnection and lack of want... is in some ways worse. Am I supposed to do something? I know what happened should make me sad or angry or whatever but I just take in what happened and accept it as fact and that's that.
Have you ever just stared at a wall or something far off in the distance and just ... shut down? For an hour? Longer? I feel like I've shut down -me- and some surface survival automatic me is just doing my thing. I can't figure out how to wake myself up.
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ok....
I'm thinking about having my bf tell his parents a little bit about my past... I just don't know if that's such a good idea and how to go about it. He and I have been together for nearly 7 months now.
It's something I'd rather do in person but I don't have the courage to or the means becuase it's a long distance relationship. I just returned from a trip there to see him and meet his parents [he lives with them]. And I constantly am wearing either long sleeves or my gauntlets becuase I am a cutter [recovering currently] and have scars all along my arms. I would like his parents to know a little bit about me and my past [not everything but a little bit so they can see me for who i am]. This relationship is long term and I want to consider his parents as my own too and I want them to know who I am. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid to let them know that; to expose that to them. He would sit down with them and have a talk with them about it...You know.. 'this is a little bit about her you don't know... she's had a rough childhood... wears guantlets...' I don't know. I'm confused and anxious about it.
I just odn't know if any of you have had to do this before and might have some pointers or just advice in general about when to tell them, how, what to say, what not to say, certain words to use or not use... I don't know. Anything...
My bf wants to know how he should talk about it. As he wrote: ok should i actually tell them that you were raped or that you've just had a rough life and a lot to deal with?
Advice is much appreaciated.
I guess I'm going to see my ex, Danny, tomorrow. Some time tomorrow afternoon Chris and i are going out to see him. Danny says he doesn't want to see me if all I'm going to do is bitch him out, 'he's trying to be happy.' My response was 'its the past adn you have to deal with it eventually. I could still press charges against you if I wanted to so be happy all I want to do is see you.' Chris relayed the message to him. so... its all gonna happen tomorrow.... I'm nervous and scared...
Ok, I just posted the other day about my predicament with my ex and deciding whether or not I should go and confront him since I'm in the same state. Chris [my best friend and a different ex] is who I am visiting in Memphis, TN. Danny [my ex that I want to confront] is in Collierville, TN. Chris' family had a get together today out in Collierville at a family member's house. Chris and I got to talking in the car, since we were out in Collierville where Danny lives, if I wanted to go and see him sometime before I leave the state. I hadn't made a decision. So we're at the party and Chris and I decide to go upstairs away from everyone; we met up with his dad in a living area and watched tv. But we're all just sitting there when Chris' phone goes off adn who should it be but Danny. Chris ended up picking up and directly hanging up on him but he called back and I said fuck it and answered the phone.
"hello."
"hi, is Chris B***** there?"
"No, but this is [my name]."
"I want to talk to Chris."
"Why?"
"I want to ask him something."
"What? What do you want to ask him?"
"Something. I just need to ask him soemthing."
Then I went to hand the phone to Chris but he hung up. I was just angry. Especially when Chris' dad was telling me that Danny was not worht my time [he doesn't know what happened]. That just pissed me off more becuase I put Chris' dad in the same category as Danny for what he did. It just pissed me off to hear that from his dad without him even knowing what happened. So I was pissed off and just called Danny back, maybe 3 or 4 times nad he just kept picking the phone up, not saying anything, and then eventually I'd hang up or he would. I made Chris call him back when we got home and he left a message.
After that though I decided that I want to go see him; I'm afraid I might chicken out though. I feel like i have no right to do this. But fuck that shit. I'm more afraid that I'll go home regreting that I never took this oppurtunity. I don't know. Chris said taht he would take me out there. He is very supportive and I don't know what I would do without him.
But what pushes me even more to make the decision of going to see Danny is that HE IS AFRAID. I have all the power in this situation. I could still report him if I wanted to. And I was a minor at the time on top of that so... He'd be beyond screwed if I made it public. I don't ahve the courage to do that but it doesn't mean that he has to know that. It's kind of nice having the power. Now I just have to make sure that i odn't fall for some sympathy story. I deserve to know the truth; all of it. I'm tired of the lies and I wnat to know why. Fuck if I don't die trying.
I'm just really upset right now. My emotions are talking but I'm seriously thinking about just doing it; just going out there and confronting him.
I currently am visiting my best friend and ex Chris. We just recently broke up but are still good friends. I broke up with him becuase I decided that I needed to be single for awhile to figure things out about myself by myself. My other ex, Danny, is the one who has mistreated me to say the least. I live in MA but am visiting Chris in TN, which is where Danny is from. He called me a few days ago; maybe a week or so ago. Randomly. I posted about that situation. Now, I am in the same state adn he doesn't dare call me or reach me in anyway except through Chris. Chris and he used to be best friends but fell apart when Chris learned what he did to me. He never confronted him about, just kind of told Danny not to bring me up with him. They talked a couple of times even after what he did to me. But since I've been here Danny has called Chris 4 times. He called one night and Chris answered adn put him on speaker so that I could hear him. He was talking about how his now ex Amanda and he are over adn he's all depressed. And he can't talk to me because I hate him and will just bitch him out. And how Amanda has found someone new and he can't handle it. And then he starts asking Chris about Chris and my sex life ! I was so disgusted. Chris told him to lay off. He kept prying and then covered up his nosyness with the whole, 'man, don't do anything with her if you aren't together cuz it'll just hurt more in teh end'... Omg... :::frustration::: Then he called the next night but Chris picked up and hung up and shut off his phone. Then the next night Chris' phone had been off but Danny left him two message of no talking and paged him once with a message that said, "911" ... -sigh- He's only doing this becuase I am here. Oh, and also while they were on teh phone Danny says, "Not that I care or want to but do you think she wants to see me?"... :::fskjtuivhruhnfhsifhvdhfxjkdf::: It's just fucking with my head.
I'm not afraid of him at all. But I'm really debating whether or not I should just confront him in person... All my friends keep telling me not to; that it'll only further damage me. Chris told me he will support me either way and that he will def go with me and stay with me the entire time [to make sure Danny and I are never alone]...
I just don't know. I need some advice.
It's been awhile. My computer has been down for awhile...But here I am updating...
I'm having some trouble with my ex again.
I finally confronted him, online [since we live so far away this is the only way I could do it]..... I told him that he raped me.
He denied it.
I have a poetry page on a different site and he made some comment about 'keeping it in his pants' with his new gf.... I freaked out. I told him not to joke about raping me and he went off on it saying that:
"The pain was all my fault
And so were the things that happened
Everything that hasgone wrong is all of my doing
I hate what I did, but I can not undo what I have done
I'm sorry for all of this
It's all my fault... but please dont say that I forced you to do the deed
I know I pushed you... but I didnt force you to
Remember that
I'm out of your life
Just please... take care...
I still care... It might seemlike a lie... but i care... I'm not hurting you anymore... "
this is what I said back:
" Manipulation is the same as force. You used me, mistreated me.... I'm done just taking shit from people. It's not that I want you out of my life, it's just that I don't know how to talk to you anymore without it hurting.... I am sorry for that. "
He responded just the other day:
"yes... yes i did... and dont be sorry... its me... please take care... "
But he won't admit to raping me. I am having extreme trouble dealing with this. I have also realized that it is causing problems in other relationships. I know I have P.T.S.D. from childhood but I think it's kicking in for this now too....
I'm so tired of it.
