Disconnection and a disturbing lack
I'm at a new point in my life.
I don't feel any longing for love anymore. And not even in an angsty or sad-ish way at all. It just doesn't even enter my head. I'm confused at that. I don't feel jealous of others in perfect relationships and how they can just smile and laugh together. I don't know how to explain it really but it's just... odd.
Tried out a relationship again a few months ago. This guy seemed to understand all my little "problems" and quirks (cutting) as well as the things that have happened to me. I thought it would turn out fine or at least not go terribly bad or anything. He kind of changed through the weeks though. Did some things to me I didn't want him to do. Made me do some things I didn't really want to do. Told me I needed to for the relationship to work out. Also said that it would help with my "issues" because of what happened to me when I was younger. Didn't help. I was scared to death. After a bit I got angry and said he shouldn't have forced me and he just said that I couldn't -do- anything about it and started to ignore me. No calling or e-mail or any of that.
I don't think there is really anything I can do about it. We -were- in a relationship at the time and even after being forced I still stayed with him for weeks after. What I don't understand is why I would stay. I was scared when I was with him but I still went around with him. Because of a few things he did I have some health issues I need to deal with now. *lol* Sheesh. When I first found out I figured it was divine retribution for letting him do that stuff to me. My punishment.
I'm just posting this because I can't think of anything to do and I needed to-- I don't know. It's worse than my anxiety from the abuse from my childhood. There's that not feeling anything stuff and a... disconnection. From myself and most of the world around me. I feel like I'm split and even while one part of me is living my everyday life and laughing and joking the other side is just staring and not feeling or thinking or anything. But it's there. That twisting pain that pulls at my gut and my heart doesn't happen much anymore when I think about things that have happened to me but I almost feel that this disconnection and lack of want... is in some ways worse. Am I supposed to do something? I know what happened should make me sad or angry or whatever but I just take in what happened and accept it as fact and that's that.
Have you ever just stared at a wall or something far off in the distance and just ... shut down? For an hour? Longer? I feel like I've shut down -me- and some surface survival automatic me is just doing my thing. I can't figure out how to wake myself up.
I don't feel any longing for love anymore. And not even in an angsty or sad-ish way at all. It just doesn't even enter my head. I'm confused at that. I don't feel jealous of others in perfect relationships and how they can just smile and laugh together. I don't know how to explain it really but it's just... odd.
Tried out a relationship again a few months ago. This guy seemed to understand all my little "problems" and quirks (cutting) as well as the things that have happened to me. I thought it would turn out fine or at least not go terribly bad or anything. He kind of changed through the weeks though. Did some things to me I didn't want him to do. Made me do some things I didn't really want to do. Told me I needed to for the relationship to work out. Also said that it would help with my "issues" because of what happened to me when I was younger. Didn't help. I was scared to death. After a bit I got angry and said he shouldn't have forced me and he just said that I couldn't -do- anything about it and started to ignore me. No calling or e-mail or any of that.
I don't think there is really anything I can do about it. We -were- in a relationship at the time and even after being forced I still stayed with him for weeks after. What I don't understand is why I would stay. I was scared when I was with him but I still went around with him. Because of a few things he did I have some health issues I need to deal with now. *lol* Sheesh. When I first found out I figured it was divine retribution for letting him do that stuff to me. My punishment.
I'm just posting this because I can't think of anything to do and I needed to-- I don't know. It's worse than my anxiety from the abuse from my childhood. There's that not feeling anything stuff and a... disconnection. From myself and most of the world around me. I feel like I'm split and even while one part of me is living my everyday life and laughing and joking the other side is just staring and not feeling or thinking or anything. But it's there. That twisting pain that pulls at my gut and my heart doesn't happen much anymore when I think about things that have happened to me but I almost feel that this disconnection and lack of want... is in some ways worse. Am I supposed to do something? I know what happened should make me sad or angry or whatever but I just take in what happened and accept it as fact and that's that.
Have you ever just stared at a wall or something far off in the distance and just ... shut down? For an hour? Longer? I feel like I've shut down -me- and some surface survival automatic me is just doing my thing. I can't figure out how to wake myself up.