...subtitles...

I need more important things to do online other than check myspace, facebook, and livejournal.

Sometimes the anger we have doesn't come out in a healthy way.

Sometimes the feelings we fear eat us alive.

Sometimes jealousy sends us into rage.

I've never been able to deal with my anger or frusterations. I keep it all inside. It bottles up. I don't like talking about any of my emotions. I'd rather have people just look at me and think I'm positive.

There are too many things lately that send me into crazy-mode and I shut down because I'd rather no one see me outburst.

It takes a lot of strength to not show my anger or frusterations.

I don't like the pity party either. And I don't like crying about it. I don't like either one at all.

Life sucks right now. I've been very depressed lately and I've been feeling very unhealthy.

I need to take that vacation I keep talking about.

I come to my livejournal many times during the day. Mainly it's just to see what other people have to say. It's my turn to say something.

I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately. I feel more overwhelmed about things in my life than there seem to be.

My dad is coming in town this Wednesday and I am not excited. I've never come out to him, and I've always been nervous about it. I don't know if this weekend is the weekend that he'll find out, but I don't want him to come. It stresses me out. But I know it'll stress me out more if he doesn't come.

I hate school. As much as I'm trying to stay and focus and want to be there...I really don't want to be. I miss my freedom. I miss late nights with my friends. I miss no homework or papers. I miss being able to spend time with my mom.

I've never been better at work before though. I've been making really good money and customer relations lately. But, I've been more honest with people, and I guess they don't like it. I guess it goes with the whole "truth hurts" thing.

I've been wishing lately that I could go back to when I was younger. When I didn't know as much as I do about the world. And about how people really are.

I know that I'm going to be really down this coming Wednesday.

I just need to release a large amount of negative emotions. I need to cry. I need to scream.

I'm just sick of fighting it.

Hey. My name is Zach, and I'm gay. I knowt hat some of you who know me really well might read that and laugh because you know my personality. But, as I sit here, watching the Tyra Banks Show (how typical) I get more and more frusterated by the moment. The topic of tonight's show is "Gay's in the Spotlight".

As I watch the show, I see some famous and some not so famous people who are out. There are also videos that show "normal", everyday type of people saying how gay people shouldn't be in the world and how can you choose to be gay. Even a superstar football players said "I hate gays. I am homophobic. They shouldn't be in the world or the United States."

I have a rather large problem with this. Not only because I'm gay, but because I believe in equality.

There are a lot of points that a person could bring up such as "It is against God's will" and "It's your choice to be gay." Thse are two points I battle weekly with my own mother.

I may not go to church on a regular basis. I may not read the bible. I may curse and commit acts that go against God. And I may pray on occasion. I know that in the bible it speaks of man and woman being together in a positive light and man and man or woman in woman in a negative light. I do have a hard time dealing with my religion and my homosexuality becuase it's very contradictory. But I am strong in my faith and I don't need to prove it to anyone. And if God says that homosexuality is wrong...then why is 11% of the world population gay?

If you tell me that it is/was my choice to be gay, I will tell you that you are wrong to your face. This is something that is brought up in some conversation I have at least once a week. Why would I choose to go through the hurt, and go through the pain of discrimination? Why would I choose to have hate crimes set apon me? The only choice that I made was to come out in the open and say "Hey, I am gay."

Something that I really don't understand is why it is okay for two women to be show rubbing all over each other in music videos or in movies, but there is no way that a man ever would be. It's not okay. It's also not fair that it is more sociably acceptable for two women to be show in a lesbianistic manner. I know that life isn't far, but it's something for everyone to consider and to think about.

Something that I have a huge issue with is that I believe I can't fully be myself, especially around my family. My mom and I ave the constant battle of being gay in the business world. I hope to one day be a teacher and she frequently says "Don't let anyone know that you are gay, it could turn on you in a very negative way." I understand that not everyone is going to accept me as a a person, but I would hope that my family and friends can accept me and my lifestyle that I'm living.

I'm not the run of the mill gay guy. Sure, I wear nice clothing (some designer), and I dress myself well, and I'm conserned with my body weight, and I enjoy listening and seeing celebrities like Paris Hilton or Janice Dickinson. I am loud, and I can come off in sort of a "queenish" manner. But, I am an honest person.

And in this world today, honesty can get you farther than discrimination.

The issue with a lot of people today is that they aren't comfortable with their sexuality, and the sexuality of others. I'm a very flirtatious person, but I know the type of people I can and cannot flirt with. There are some straight guys that I will flirt with and they will flirt back - knowing that I won't try and attack them in a sexual manner at all.

Homophobia is not an okay thing. It's very dangerous. Many people have died from either hate crimes or suicide.

I've come very close to killing myself. So close, that I have walked on the side of the road to determine what speed of a car will hurt me enough to make people realize that I was not okay. There was about a 2 year period that I was a very depressed person. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to share anything with anyone. And this was because I didn't accept myself because I didn't think anyone else would.

When I came out I didn't really lose any friends. If anything, I gained a large amount. Not only did I get the acceptance I needed, and the friends I didn't know where there, I gained respect from myself, from my friends, from teachers, from people I didn't even know, and from the straight guys who thought I was a disease.

Gay is not a disease.

And neither am I.

Homosexuality is often shown in a very negative way. I think it's about time that everyone starts putting it in more of a positive manner.

SO...I also got a job at the new Macaroni Grill! THey hired me and a couple of other people on the spot!

AND...GAP called me while I was interviewing to come in for an interview with them tomorrow! But I called and told them I couldn't!

Oh well...A/X and Mac Grill will be tight shit!

<3

PS...I can't find my wallet and I need it to:

1. Drive
2. Get my Liquor Permit
3. Live

I GOT THE JOB AT ARMANI EXCHANGE!!!

Myspace isn't working so I'm updating my life here...then when it starts working over there, I'll post there too.

Boy = shit.

The End.

I don't understand that if you really like some one, and they don't have the same feelings back for you, then why do you both end up kissing and fooling around in your bed? I really don't understand. WOuldn't you think that they have feelings for you too?

So...then you invite him to a party with you, and you both get pretty drunk. You start making a move on him, but then later, when you are both separated, he is crying to one of your best friends and says "I know that he really likes me, but I don't want to hurt him."

So...wouldn't you feel really hurt after that? And wouldn't you start to question why you even did what you did in your bed?

I really just don't get it.

You'd feel like you had been used. Wouldn't you?

And you used to think that he was a really great, nice, cool, laid-back kind of guy...but then you realize that he's like every other guy out there.

What the hell?

I just really don't understand, and I think it's because I haven't ever been through that kind of thing before.

Oh yeah...and if anyone had a problem with all of the "yous" and "I's"...you + I = me.

I need help.

zacharywynn

So...I'm chillin' out at my friend's house after a crazy night of drinks, games, music, and throwing up. It was disgusting. My head really hurts right now. I don't think I'll be drinking that much again.

PS Im 18 now.

I went to my first sex shop and walked out of there with $54 worth of stuff. It was crazy....especially when that money was seriously needed for other things.

But what's funny about it is, I bought it with birthday money from my dad. I think that is hilarious.

Well, I kind of feel like shit...so I think I'm going to go back to sleep.

-zacharywynn

I have an interview on Thursday with Armani Exchange at Mall of Georiga. I'm excited. It gets me FAR away from my $5.15 an hour job now; Carmike Cinemas. Going from that job to Armani is kick ass. Plus, it gets me closer to something that I love and enjoy; clothing. And I'll get to see people daily and I love people, and working with them, helping them with things, etc.

I'm just excited. And the benefits are really great!

Nice clothes, good pay, good location (although it's about 30 minutes away....it's still cool). Plus, I have a wide variety of foods that I can select from for when I am on my break. And, I have a wide variety of stores to shop at if I need to break away from the Armani world...even though, I doubt I will.

Oh yeah, my life is going exceptionally well. It has been all summer. My friends are being great. I've lost touch with a few of them...but that's mainly because it's summer and that's usually how it goes.

I've gotten to see basically all of my mom's family this summer, which was fun. I wish that some could have stayed longer than others...but oh well, what can you do?

I hope everyone else's life is going great!!

<3 zachary

So...today I was in Borders and I all of a sudden got this urge to suck a big muscular black guy's penis. I really don't know why...

I was really surprised because I am no where near attracted to black guys...but...idk what happened.

Oh well. I was also downtown today and I got twice as horny as I was in the begining of the day.

I don't know what my problem is.