Veritas

I can’t take this anymore.

 

This is abuse.

 

It hurts.

 

All I did was ask to go on the computer because it was nine and nine is my computer time, and he started kicking the crap out of me… so I fought him off. I guess I was feeling empowered after watching the movie Speak (yes, based upon the book) and I fought back.

 

I really wish my school was doing that Self-Defense class again. I’d take it, and then use the moves on him, because I can’t take not being able to fight back. That’s the worst. He’s only twelve and he’s as physically strong as me, if not stronger. Almost my size, too. And he knows to go for my weak spots.

 

This is just… I’m so over it. Thank god I’ll be in college next year. All I need to do this year is make it out and find a school with dorms. That’s all. Just have to get out.

 

Lately I’ve been getting irritated with every little thing. I got in the car when mum picked me up from school and she kept talking about something and I said something (not meaning to be rude) and she yelled at me for having an attitude. I apologized and she just wouldn’t talk to me for the whole ride home. I went inside and started my Psych homework (okay, I’ll admit, I shouldn’t have put it off) and I put on my earphones and put some loud angry music on my Ipod. I came down two hours later (having JUST completed my Psych homework) and she gets mad at me for taking a nap.

 

Now, I understand that she might not have known I was awake, since my Ipod was on and I couldn’t hear if she knocked or something, but should the first thing she had done after I came down was yell at me for something I didn’t actually do?

 

Maybe this is petty in comparison to my other problems, but I have no one to turn to. I try and explain to my friends but they don’t understand the full extent…

 

… sometimes I wish they did.

 

 

 

Look how pretty she is when she falls down

Now there is no beauty in bleeding mascara

Lip are quivering like a withering rose

She's back again.

I lost around ten pounds from surgery. I lost ten pounds in a week in a very unhealthy way.

And I'm so happy.

I put on a pair of jeans that were kind of tight last week, and they practically fell off. It's sickening.

 

why am I so proud?

 

 

I love skinny me. Much better than fat me. I don't want to gain the weight back. i'm gonna diet like crazy to keep it off once I can eat food again.

I’m a little confused. I met a guy that I kind of like. We’ll call him… oh… *Billy. I met him a few days ago, and I’ve already kissed him three times, openmouthed with tongue and everything. He calls me beautiful. He tells me I’m perfect. He’s sweet to me, and good to me. He’ll treat me well. And I like him...

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

…So why don’t I want to date him?

 

 

Why do I feel that guys are annoying and too clingy? He’s good to me, kind to me, sweet to me, calls me beautiful, wants to just hold my hand. Likes me for who I am…

 

And I think it’s a little annoying. And I’ve always thought that it was a little annoying. When we were out together (with a big group of friends at a public place) He was always poking me and holding my hand. And holding my hand is okay, but sometimes I just want to sit and chill with other people too. Billy got so clingy so fast, I find it annoying.

 

For god’s sake, why on earth do I feel this way? I feel like such a hypocrite when I say I want a boyfriend, and then when a guy really likes me for me and wants to do boyfriend-ly things, I find it annoying. I feel like such a child, like I’m totally not ready for this.

 

I don’t know what to do. I don't want to hurt him.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

All names have been changed.

This journal is completely for the truth.

Everything in here is my real thoughts and my true feelings.

I don't know if any of my friends know this is here. Honestly, I'm sick of editing my journal entries so I don't offend anyone.

All the names in this will be changed. I'm trying a tiny tiny tiny bit to cover my tracks. Enough so people don't hate me. But my pen and paper journal can't give me advice on what to do. My pen and paper journal can't give me feedback.

So I need this.

All anonymous. All names have been changed.