it disturbs me slightly how accurate that little quiz was. idn. shit has been really fucked off lately. all the people who were my best friends dont even remember i exist, and tho it hurts, i'm not even gonna bother to track them down. why? because at this point i know we are worlds apart. we may all live in oklahoma, but as far as where we are with ourselves i know we couldnt be more different. its ok i guess. i know that nothing lasts forever. i have a few friends right now. i know that if it wasnt for chris and aaron over the last 8 months or so i would be in an insane asylum. they have thankfully kept me grounded. i just wish i could have had them around just a little more during the last 4 months specifically. i have been living in a prison like hell. ended up in a very bad, oppressive, mentally abusive relationship. one that i ended up kind of trapped in when i lost my car. i couldnt get away. i lost my will to do anything. eat, read, be social, everything. all i wanted to do was sleep or watch tv. at least while i was doing one of those 2 things i was escaping my reality. and the whole time i acted as tho everything were okay. i was too ashamed to admit what was really going on. i didnt want everyone that knew me to be like "well, she did it again". so i never talked to anyone or asked for any help. finally it became so physically apparent that my health both mentally and physically was suffering that a couple of co workers rescued me. i'm now living with someone who just wants me to fix myself and realize that i deserve better than what i have gotten lately. i know i do. somewhere in me i know that i deserve more. but i stay in the same pattern of behavior. its my comfort zone. i know in little ways i'm doing better. for the first time in 7 years i can pass a drug test. that makes me feel good. i know everyone else is just waiting for me to fall again, whether they say it or not. i'm extremely depressed right now, but i know now that drugs will never help me. drugs are the reason my health is so fucked in the first place. so i know damn well that i dont need that shit. what i need now is a confidante. i dont have any anymore. and the one person i know i can tell anything to i dont want to because he is about to be going away for awhile and i quite frankly dont want him going nuts worrying about me. i'm not his problem. i;m no ones problem but my own. but i had to admit i needed help. when i started not eating and had another mild heart attack ( along with a few other health issues that i'm currently too poor to fix) i couldnt really hide it any more. even people i barely know know how much i love to eat, so when i stopped, they noticed. but i didnt cut myself. not since october. and people think i will never change...lol. i'm changing. i'm getting better. but i always put myself in shitty situations. i'm considering leaving the state once i get my health back. i doubt many will really miss me all that much. seeing as how i havent been around anyway. i just want everyone to know that it wasnt all my fault. i couldnt talk to anyone. i wasnt allowed to see or speak to my friends. i could barely speak to my mother. who i seriously need to have a long talk with. she needs to know. and to know that now i am safe.
You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.
car doesnt work, not enough money, health problems out the ass...when will this shit ever end? cant do half of what i promised to do because i have no way of doing it. i feel like a piece of shit. will try to do what i can whenever i can do it...shit just keeps fucking up and i've run out of ways to fix it all....
i hate life sometimes. in a short while, like within the next 2 weeks, i will be homeless and quite possibly in jail for about 3 days for a speeding ticket i cant pay. and there aint jack shit i can do about it. been looking like crazy for a job, cant seem to find one either. even took my lip ring out. havent really figured out what i'm gonna do yet tho. oh well. fuck this life...
i guess that nothing lasts forever. certainly not the things i thought would last forever. i dont know what the reasoning is behind why everyone has ceased speaking to me (aside from when they're at dennys), and i have ceased to care. i apparently hold no importance any longer, as no one needs me for anything and i need nothing from anyone else. i have kept this journal more or less as a way for my 'friends' to keep up with my life, but since now it seems that i am an afterthought, i will more than likely abandon this site. i am hurt by what has happened, but i cant dwell on it any longer. i have my few friends that are still there, and without bb and aaron, i can guarantee that i would have lost my mind by now. but none of you know what has been going on. and none of you care. if i did something to upset any of you, i wish you would have had the balls to tell me instead of casting me aside like you did. but, like i said, i cant dwell on any of that anymore. best of luck in life to you all. once i get another job, none of you will ever have to deal with me or my fucked up drama again. peace.
lots of shit going on lately. finally got to see one of my friends thats been locked up forever, and now it would seem that he's going back to being locked up. for some stupid bullshit thats not true. and this would be after, of course, he decided to tell me that he loves me. he's one of my best friends, he's the only person that is ever able to deal with me when i start going all crazy and shit. like i am now. and now he's gone again. i'll be lucky to make it through all this without him this time. i dont know what i'm gonna do. there is too much, in my head and in my life, for me to deal with without the one person that over the years has been able to control my stupid behavior and deal with my nightmares and panic attacks. so fuck it. i'm fucking miserable. most of my so called 'friends' have disappeared ever since i started the graveyard shift bullshit. so i been hanging out around other people. granted, they might not be the best people by others standards, but they aint done me wrong yet. and as long as they dont, i'm cool. they been there more lately than anybody else has. i dont usually have many minutes on my phone, so i usually cant call people, but not a one of my friends has tried to call me. it makes me laugh. now that i'm out on my own, its like i dont exist anymore. i knew it would be that way. i suppose i really shouldnt care. i dont need help anymore, and i dont do anyone else any good, so my usefullness is done. oh well. at least i know that somewhere, wherever the hell my friends that are locked up are, there are people that are still there. too bad i cant get to any of them.
have the song sugar by system of a down stuck in my head. hence the subject line. for those of you who have actually heard the song and/or can understand what he's saying. things looking up. slightly. have a new car. its legal. however, its a gas guzzling boat of doom. maybe once i replace the battery it will run better. who knows. working graveyard shift at dennys as a waitress. would love nothing more than to get the hell outta there, but have to find another job first. and i hate to job hop. wasnt intending to, but since the manager of the pawn shop decided to be such a dear and fire me, i had to get what i could to get money. i got tickets to pay, which, by the way, i have almost enought money for. in fact, after last night, i may have all of it. still need to count it. i'm under the impression, and i hope its not the wrong one, that if i pay my tickets before my court date, i wont have to go to court. i can only hope. i've moving into my apartment on the first. everyone wish me mad luck with that one. rent and electric bill and groceries and all sorts of fun shit. but at least i will be independent. completely. which will be nicer than anyone knows. well, thats all for now.
well, this week has been utterly fucktastic. tuesday, i get up in the morning to discover that my car stereo, gear shift knob, dvd player, and about $100 has been stolen out of my car. later that day, after i replace the gear shift knob and the stereo, my fucking car gets impounded. i then break the shit out of my hand later that night. wednesday, i was just very depressed, and somewhat useless due to my hand not functioning. then yesterday, to top everything off, i lose my job too. so life is not going so well currently. i am not a happy person. hopefully i'll get one or both of the jobs i applied for today. hopefully.
got my license. waiting to find out if i got an apartment. hopefully i do. want someplace to call my own. tired of people. tired of getting used. and get used i do. i dont mind when i know that i'm getting used. its when i think i'm not that it actually bothers me. like what i thought about kade. i thought that there might have been a chance he wasnt just using me. nope. i was wrong. as usual. i'm done bitching now.
