Osiris' World

Yeah...I'm just tired.

I have no clue what's going on anymore...been out by myself for a while, I should probably just give ya all the updates, I'll probably write them down later...but..whatever.

Don't know what's going on with Shiyue and me, now. I'm confused as hell and don't even know if I'm straight, dammit!

Vash = SEX GOD

*cough* >>; He will never read those words... *dies*

ZOMG DO I REALLY LOOK THAT DIFFERENT??

What is in a name, Romeo? If a rose were not called by a rose, would it still smell so sweet? (probably jacked that up like no other..)

Yeah, I've been getting a lot of comments about my new look. So what if I wanna be different! I don't want to look like Vash anymore! Even though...I nearly faint everytime I look in the mirror...

Nothing! o.o;; Anyway...yeah. So I chopped up my hair and dyed it black. So what.

By the way...he still doesn't realize it's me >3;;; *fountain of drool ruins the page* <.<;; Yeah, it was that much easier getting him a drink... *cough*

Margaritas FTW!!

...

I'm just tired.

Gotta go get something to eat...I can see my ribs again.

</rant>

Guess who's back?

back again?

Siris's back!

Tell a friend!

Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?
Guess who's back?...Danana!

:)

Yup.

and he's off like the wind. 

o.O;

-shrug-

I'm sleepy.

I like pie.

and food.

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.  (haha! me, reading? that's funny.)
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (not. I've tried almost everything else though :D -twitch-)
× I've watched porn movies.	✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (actually it's the other way around...)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (bullshit!!)
✓ I curse sometimes.  (24/7 can be considered sometimes, right?)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (crazier than ever!)	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.  (>3 mwahahaha!!)

( Collapse )* * * * *

✓ I have broken someone's bones.  (No, but I've had mine broken. -glares at Vash-)	✓ I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.  (I LOVE YOU VASH XDDD)	✓ I hate the rain.  (tch, what's that?)
✓ I'm paranoid at times.  (at times? -looks over his shoulder- >>)	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	× I need/want money right now.
× I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	× I have at least one sibling.
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	× I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
✓ I like the way that I look.  (I LOOK LIKE VASH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!)	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.  (forever and always...)	× I am usually pessimistic.
× I have a lot of mood swings.	✓ I think prostitution should be legalized.  (>3)	× I slept with a roommate.
✓ I have a hidden talent.  (Knives will never know... >3)	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	× I have a lot of friends.
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex.  (o.o;)	× I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
× I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
× I have a mobile phone.	✓ I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.  (T^T STFU!!)	× I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone.	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	× I want to have children in the future.
× I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
× I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
× I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.  (AND LUVIN' THEM :D)	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	× I enjoy some country music.
× I would die for my best friends.	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
× I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment.
✓ I'm obsessed with guys.	× Democrat.	× Republican.
✓ I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	✓ I go for older guys/girls, not younger.  (how could I? ew...going out with a three year old? is that possible?!)
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	× I can work on a car.
× I love my job(s).	× I am comfortable with who I am right now.	✓ I have more than just my ears pierced.  (>3 mwahaha)
× I walk barefoot wherever I can.	✓ I have jumped off a bridge.  (eh...more like a cliff....)	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
× I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
✓ I am a pyro.   (FFIIREE!!!)	✓ I have thrown up from crying too much.  (T^T;)	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
✓ I fall for the worst people.	✓ I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	× I can pick up things with my toes.	✓ I can't whistle.
× I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	× I talk in my sleep.
✓ I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	✓ I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
× I have a tattoo.	× I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	✓ I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	✓ If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.  (PPFFTT I murder on a two-day basis :3 AND PROUD OF IT!)	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
× I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	× I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
× I have lived in either three different states or countries.	✓ I am extremely flexible.	✓ I love hugs more than kisses.  (are you kidding me?!)
× I want to own my own business.	× I smoke.	× I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	✓ I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	× I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	× I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
✓ I have played strip poker with someone else before.  (o/////o;)	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.  (>>;)	× I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
✓ I can't stand being alone.	✓ I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	× I'm a judgmental asshole.	✓ I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
× I have travelled on more than one continent.	✓ I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.  (DAMN YOU KNIVES!!)	✓ I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language.	× I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
× I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	× I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	✓ I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.  (;^; CURSE MY MANHOOD!! -weep-)
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.  (so many times...though...more like created than born...)	✓ I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	✓ I have hit someone with a dead fish.  (>3)
× I am compulsively honest.	✓ I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.  (lung defect...gets bad with panic attacts >>; christ, why am I so defective?!)	✓ I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
✓ I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	✓ I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	✓ I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.  (eh, I don't really have to...)
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	✓ I obsessively wash my hands.
✓ I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	× I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
✓ I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	✓ I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	✓ I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing.  (used to...don't anymore, really...)
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	✓ I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.  (I would never create another, I've experienced it. o.o; bad stuffs...)
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	× I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
× I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	× I have a thing for redheads.
✓ I am a twin!  (clone...twin, same difference....)	× Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	✓ Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	✓ I wish I was more open-minded.	✓ I hope that I go really prematurely grey.  (I'm already there T^T)
× I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	✓ I say random things to freak people out.  (I will eat your socks before I chew off your throat for dinner :3)
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
✓ Music helps me remember that I am not alone.  (such an emo kid....)	✓ Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	✓ I can only hate someone that I love.	✓ I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

-is obsessed- <33!!! -le sigh- Seth and Shiyue?! XDDDD I don't think Shiyue would swing that way, and I doubt either one of them would fancy a date! rofl!!

xIshx is being stalked on Livejournal! lovexpeace is stalking xIshx lovexpeace’s REAL name : Villareal Alvey lovexpeace’s REAL DOB : 18th October 1980 Height :173 cm Weight : 74.8 kg lovexpeace has dreamt about you : 26 times lovexpeace became interested in you : 16th August 2003 lovexpeace’s latest dream about you You and lovexpeace are in a bar. lovexpeace carries you up onto the pool table and begins undressing you. lovexpeace starts to whip you around the ass with your own jeans.. This is how lovexpeace describes your relationship behind your back ‘We’re gonna have children. I haven’t talked to xIshx about it yet but I’m sure he will be happy to have about 12 kids.’ lovexpeace’s been stealing stuff from your house too. lovexpeace has a habit of searching xIshx’s home for sex toys and ‘borrowing’ any that they find. They’ve even started modifying their body for you lovexpeace had their nipples pierced to show you the true depths of their neverending love for you.. They sent the following message to you in a Valentines I wanna be your dog baby. Woof fucking woof, I’m coming to get you in my sheepskin jacket. The Police No. calls to the police : 10 times Your Last Call to The Police "Dear Jesus no! Send around a squad car quick, I’ve just killed someone. Their name is lovexpeace. Stop bloody laughing! That’s their real name! lovexpeace threatened to kill me on multiple occasions and they came around tonight to finish off the job so I used my lava lamp in self defense and now the bastards on the ground without a pulse." lovexpeace’s Police File 15 years of continual drug abuse has taken it’s toll on lovexpeace’s psyche. Unstable and a potential threat to society. Testimonies about lovexpeace _beautyxwithin_ - Geek isn’t the word ‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing! lovexpeace a stalker? Well I suppose it makes sense actually. That bastard had really shifty eyes…’ _xredflowerx_ - Monarch of lard ‘You think you know a person and then something like this comes out of the blue. Fuck that, I’m becoming a recluse.’ sky_of_orange - Dull O Dull ‘Boring. I know xIshx and lovexpeace really love each other. They are both just seeking attention. Just get married and stop the fucking games already! Jesus!’ rcrimsondreamsr - The Ear Doctor ‘lovexpeace’s obsession with breastfeeding should have acted as an insight into their warped mind. I can’t believe I overlooked it for so long. Jesus.’

 @x@ I seriously think I have a proble--zOMG!! VASH WITH NIPPLE PEIRCINGS!? -slaps hand on chest- I think my heart just exploded x_x; THAT IS SO SEXY!! -headdesk- -drools- so...sexy..!! -dies- Yeah, o.O; maybe Shane was right? I probably should talk to the therapist about this... -death-

I don't really know how to start this. It was kind of hard just putting down the first sentence on paper, actually. 

There isn't much to say, of course. That isn't very unusual, but I'm still trying to straighten out the order of these thoughts. I'm not sure what to think of the situation, and I don't have much of an opinion. My head is killing me, and the pounding is sending shock waves down to the rest of my body...which hurt just as badly. I think I'll stick to what Reih said earlier--about still learning? Yes. I would say I'm still learning.

I've learned that Vash can get angry...and can get violent when he's angry. As if I should've known that from his brother...but Vash seemed too far different from Knives. I guess they're a lot more alike than I thought. This is interesting though, how closely their personalities can get if they're equally provoked in the right direction. It makes me laugh--that thought.

At the time, I hadn't thought of this at all. I always like Eh, maybe not. I don't think I like to make other people angry with me on purpose. Do I? That always happened with Knives, and now the same thing is going on with Vash. Gawd, I'm such a pest! haha.

Tch, I don't think what I did was that bad. Did I really deserve to be thrown against the wall, nearly shot in the head, and all that? Those guys deserved it, though. They were hurting Reih. I don't want anyone to hurt her--anyone that does should go to hell.  Well, maybe that is a little harsh? I'm sure I've hurt Reih, too. They were just asking to be killed, though! Weren't they? They were hurting Reih!

...

Are my thoughts justified? --why am I even asking this? of course not. Otherwise, Vash would've sided with me...right? I don't know. He'd never side with me on murder, even if it was right...right? Maybe I should talk to Reih about this. She listens to me...without biased opinion...I think. Hopefully. I don't know! this is too confusing. I think those guys deserved to die, and be made fun of. They've probably killed other people! They weren't innocent...were they? I don't think so. I don't know. Maybe that was the first bad thing they No, even if that was their first time! it wasn't right!  I don't think. 

Oh, I hate this! I hate trying to think this through! Fine, I'll just make up my mind! I was right, Vash was wrong to do that! They deserved to die.

There. It's done.

But I still feel bad. Why should I feel bad if they deserved it! Maybe they didn't deserve it. They did! I just need something to get my mind off of this. I'll go get something to eat. Eating always helps. But then I could be killing another innocent person! Oh, damn Vash! Look what he's done to me!! stupid, stupid, stupid!! I'll go get a drink. See if I can find Kit. She always has some ecstasy around...and maybe she'll give me some. That'll make me feel better. I think. 

EDIT(8-19-06): wait a minute...who's Kit? o.o; I think I had too much to drink earlier. Either that or I've drank too much already... -think- who in hell is Kit..?! I can't even remember. Some imaginary person? some real person that gives me drugs? -dies- I'll remember eventually...I think? 

o////o there sure is a lot of shiyue in there....and here I thought she hated me. -dies-

-glomps Vash and Nishio- X333 you guys make me feel so luved!!

Keep knocking.
No one's there.
Pouring down.
Near be felt.
I'm out here, by myself.
All alone.
Ready to blow my head off.
I hurt so bad inside.
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again.

Keep hoping.
Nothing to spare.
So my life.
Isn't quite there.
Feel like a whore.
A dirty whore.
Such a whore.
Dirty.

I'm out here, by myself.
All alone.
Ready to blow my head off.
I hurt so bad inside.
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again.

I'll Take it
I'll Take It
I Will Take it
Into you.

You dirty little fuck.
Dirty little fuck.
You dirty little fuck.
Dirty little fuck.
You dirty little fuck (I will take it).
Dirty little fuck (I will take it).
You dirty little fuck (I will take it).
Dirty little fuck (I will take it).
You dirty little fuck.

I'm out here, by myself.
All alone.
Ready to blow my head off.
I hurt so bad inside.
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again...

Korn is an awesome band. Yes. Good band. Though, it was between this and three other songs. I like them all.

I feel like I'm going into a backward spiral, all of the sudden. Like all this progress I've made since I left Eden. It feels like none of it mattered! I've wasted so many years just doing nothing but moping around. Being confused. Lost. And hating. Though...I'm still hating. I hate so much, so many. Now that I look back on all of this, I'm still the same. Nothing's changed since from when I've left. Save for the few things that made me probably worse than I was from that point. 

Hmm.

Let's see. What's been a plus in my life. ... ... Uhm. I've met my friends. Yes, they're good. I like my friends, they're nice to me. I like them. What else? There's Vash and Reih...but they'd be catagorized in friends. They're good, too. I like Vash and Reih, they seem to not mind putting up with all my bullshit. Even though they shouldn't really bother trying to fix me. I'm unfixable. Oh well, it's the thought that counts, and I'm glad they're there for me when I need them. They make me feel good inside. :) Yay. What else is there? I've tried food. Food is good. I would have never eaten food if I had stayed in Eden. I've been away from Knives. Well...is that good? I don't know. I wouldn't think so. I do miss him. Ugh, again with the backward spiral. I don't think being away from Knives is entirely a good thing. What else...

Well...what are the minuses in my life, then? Oh, that's easy. Legato has been raping my mind ever since I left, telling me how guilty I should be. I've been transformed into this crazy animal thing that can't even see. I've been raped by more guys and girls I thought interested in me. I'm schitzophrenic and see things trying to hold me down and eat my insides. I've stopped singing and writing songs. I can't stand to be around my wife. I can't look at my kids. I'm a teenager and have a fully developed family. I'm on the verge of being suicidal, I've become a masochist, I think I'm turning gay, I don't care about my appearance anymore, I'm far away from Knives and I doubt he'd ever take me back unless I got on my knees and kissed his feet. I have nightmares whenever I sleep, I hate donuts, I'm almost positive Vash is about ready to give up on me(he should, by the way.), I'm about ready to throw myself off a cliffside again. I've been taking so much extacy I can't tell the sky from the ground anymore and think I'm falling into the sky occassionally. My blood keeps poisoning me whenever I get cut. Seth keeps teasing me, and now I have two priests on my tail screaming, "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!" And then laugh at me when I'm writhing on the floor screaming to make it stop while my skin burns on my body. And ontop of all that, Emily is dead and I can't get her out of my mind, as well as the thought that it's my fault she died.

Yes. Lovely. I should see a psychiatrist. Mrr....maybe not...I just ate his wife. Whoops. Maybe I'll go visit the one in New Archadia. I should. As a matter of fact, I'll go there right now.

~Osiris

P.S. I completely forgot the reason why I was writing this entry anyway. Ohwell.

-humming to music in the background-

Peoples are fun to eat~!

Well, not their bodies. But their souls. I feel kinda bad that I'm taking away their chance to go to heaven or hell...but....a demon's gotta eat too, y'know?

Souls are yummy. <3; wow.

I kinda went on a frenzy a bit ago...and all the peoples kinda scattered. Which made me mad. Because I was hungry, and I wanted to eat them. But they ran. o.o Sooo....I had to chase them, which made me even more hungry. I ate about six peoples. I'm a pig, I know. But that'll last me a long, long while. So, I'm going back on my anorexia thing. Because I'm cool like that, and don't really want to kill people. 

It's not that I mind killing them, and all. I don't. But...what about Vash? He's always on my mind when I kill people. That face he makes when he's really disappointed in ya, y'know? Where he just kind'a stares at you with that sad glare of his. -shivers- I hate that. I hate it so much. If Vash was here, I'd probably would have eaten only one person. And try to hide it from Vash. But...right now, the peoples are just laying about. Well--their bodies are, and I'm kinda soaked in blood. oO It smells good.  I like the smell of blood. It makes me hungry.

Argh! No, I'm on my fasting again. No more eating now! Christ! This scent is making me even more hungry. Maybe just one mor--NO! Stop it!

Wow, I'm just a killer.

Yup. Osiris the Killer. I should have a cool name like that. Like Vash. But his is Vash the Stampede. I should have something to do with that...but more like: "Siris the Killer!" or even: "Osiris the Genocide...thing" well..no...that one kinda died. Ohwell.

Wow! I'm really hyper! It's like I'm high again. But...more of a natural high. I think it's because I got something into my system. re-energized myself. Wow...this feels really good. I like it. Maybe I should do this more often.

No...no! Remember how mad Vash got last time you chopped off those guys' heads and literally picked you up off your feet? Don't do that again. Wow, I'm stupid. Yup. I should be called: "Siris the idiot!" Yes, that would work out nicely. hahahaha!  Maybe I am like a puppy. Mrr...that bugs me. I'm not innocent like a puppy...but some puppy's are actually really dirty. Like that Scrappy puppy on the Scooby Doo movie. he marked his territory...on...that really pretty girl...what's-her-face. yeah. that was funny.

GAWD! I sound like an idiot. Oh well, at least it's getting this killing spree off my mind. Oh--wait--damn. It's back. FUCKERS! Oh well, I'm sure no one would notice if I just took /one/ more....I wouldn't think so. But there was that one time where Vash tried to make me go apologize to this girl's parents for eating her daughter. (ooc: different rp, not with Fire. D8 Gomen.) Well, that didn't work out too well. I don't remember what happened--

Oh YEAH! I remember. Her parents didn't take it too well. They started beating me over the head with a metal shovel and with a plastic rake. oO; Dunno what kind of damage a rake would do, but that's besides the point. Yes...I felt my head throbbing for the next week. -dies- 

Won't do that again, even if he tries to make me. Either that...or I'll where a helmet next time. And a groin protecter. Jeebus, even with a rake, that woman can really hurt when she knows the right spot. Gawd...

Y'know...I've been thinking. About Shiyue and everything. And Reih and Blanch. And Vash. A lot of things on my mind. But...I don't think I'm one to be that dominant. <3 -looks around to make sure no one is looking- I mean...Shiyue is VERY, VERY submissive. And...I wasn't created as a leader. Obviously, I was supposed to be a weapon for Knives. Submissive, y'know? Reih and Blanch made it very clear that I was submissive. oO; I didn't know girls could be so...dominant? Lol. heheh.

I'm extremely curious about my orientation, though. And why in hell Knives made my first outfit out of skin tight leather, belts, and metal links. oO it's...kinda disturbing, y'know? If you think of it in that disgusting, dirty sense. What did happen all that time ago? I don't think I want to remember.

Should I break up with Shiyue? I mean...this could all just be a phase. I am a teenager after all. Or maybe I should put our marriage on hold? I don't know. I'm curious. I want to experiment. But I cant do that as long as I'm with her. She's beautiful, flawless. She's always there when I need her.

But...

Maybe...

Perfection isn't what I'm looking for. Maybe I'm looking for something beyond the surface. I don't know. But I feel like Shiyue's just putting on this "I'm perferct" mask when I'm around her. No one should be perfect, right? But then again, she's an ANGEL. And maybe that's why I'm so disconnected from her. I expect sin, anger, frustration, sadness. Everything flawful like normal people, but she's not. I am. Hell, I'm Deios for Christ's sake! Maybe I need another demon? Another one like me.

Then again.

There aren't any others like me. There are many angels, and even dark angels. Whatever the hell those are. But there aren't any other deios, are there? I think I'm the only one? Maybe I am. Wow...that really puts it into perspective for me. ANGELS have other ANGELS. There's more than one dark ANGEL. There are many plants. And...one Deios. Me. Supposed to destroy Gaia. Who is Shiyue. the highest rank of all ANGELS. Wait...then that makes me the highest rank of all...whatever I am, right? Something created, called Deios, to have the capability to destroy Gaia. That means I'm just as powerful. But even Gaia as angels to look over, and the plants. Who can I look after?

And...if destiny should be true, shouldn't Gaia and Deios be fighting like programmed?

Well, I wasn't created to love.

I was created to destroy, kill, and hurt.

If that's what destiny has planned for...then...maybe I should just stick to my fate? Stay a Deios! Not love. But do whatever the hell I want! Destroy, and kill! Yes, that sounds about right. I feel better when I think about it actually, to destroy. The thought makes me smile. Yes, yes! I shall go back to my true purpose! I will not submit to society's expectations of me! I am Deios..!

Wait...

What about my creator's expectations?

My creators expect me to destroy and kill. But...what if I destroy them? They expect me to submit to them, right? Right. They expect me to follow them like I'm some puppy. I'm not. I am Deios, and I'll do whatever the hell I want. Not what my creators expect, not what society suspects! Not what Shiyue or Vash suspects!

Ugh. That same image haunts my mind's eye. Vash. His...stupid...eyes! Damn those eyes! I would gouge them out if I only could! But...it's not just that Vash seems to be stronger than me at this point...but...my will. It dwindles when I see his eyes.

Damn him.

I can't be what I want when I'm around that plant. My thoughts about killing and destruction...die.

Fuck him.

Fuck her.

Fuck everyone!

You know what? I'm going to kill more people.

And why?

That's easy! It's because...

I feel like it.

~Osiris, aka: Deios.