(no subject)
My life is over.
My life changed today.
I'm so scared.
I haven't been this scared in years and years. Maybe since Brian and I broke up.
I am so ashamed of what I have done, or rather what I failed to do. It was a stupid, stupid, stupid mistake and it has cost me my future, my dreams, all my hope.
I wish I could die, but that wouldn't solve anything. I wish I had never woken up from that table. My life is over. Now I get to work and work and work and work and work, just to try to make up for a stupid, stupid mistake. The mistake of trusting in other people.
The world keeps trying to show me that it's a horrible place, and I keep believing that goodness exists, and that love wins out, and that maybe I can someday be happy. I'm not so sure that I can do that anymore.
I think, really, that this has truly broken me.
Contemplative
I'm off work for the first time in a week. I actually drove down to my parents house to see them, since I'm starting nursing school again on Wednesday (only 1 class) which will likely interfere with my ability to get away. Plus, Brian expressed to me that if I didn't give him some space, he might go berserk. And yet I'm still up at 3AM in the morning. I was sleeping with my parent's dog but woke up and started thinking. Late night thinking (especially for depressed people) is NEVER a good idea.
I'm thinking about my parent's life. Mainly about their current house. These are people who have been together for over 30 years. I just wish they could be happier.
I think they're bored. Brian and I are kinda bored of each other and it's only been 4 years. I can't imagine after 30 years. Maybe that's why it's important to me to have a smart partner, one who surprises me and challenges me.
I think about my parents weight. They have struggled with obesity for as long as I can recall. I grew up on diet food, oscillating between Weight Watchers and binging. My parents have been fighting their food addictions for over 30 years. The amount of time that they have spent focusing on their weight is mind-boggling. Even if they only think about it for a minute each day, that's 10,950 minutes. That's 182.5 hours.
The most insidious thing about weight management is not the dieting. I think that if fat people (including me) had ONLY the food management to deal with, it would be easy. The hardest part, the killer part, is the sadness that accompanies it.
Brian and I were in our couples counseling session a few months back and I shared that, if I weren't overweight, I probably would have asked Brian to marry me by now. This is despite my depression, despite my financial hardships. I'm not thrilled to suffer from depression, nor from being broke, but I'm truly ashamed of my body. And we only get one body. Why should we be ashamed of it?
I've been reading this book "I Can Make You Thin" which is advertised everywhere. Basically it's this hypnotist who has these techniques to challenge our relationships with food. Because of my week of work I haven't really been able to focus on it but I admit I'm a tad hopeful. But he says that only 10% of people who have fought their weight have been successful. That's a 90% failure rate.
In a class I took this previous semester (a lame-o Health course) they said that there is no effective way to remove weight once it is put on, at least not a way that is effective for the general population. They say that one's best chance for fighting obesity is... to not become obese in the first place.
GOD! The things I could be if I wasn't fat. The things that I would do. The friends I could have. I could run with Dash. I could tie my shoes without discomfort. I could take a photograph and not want to burn it instantly. I could know that I will be around for my kids (or even for my dogs).
Is it too late to do something about this? I don't think so. I truly think that it is never too late.
We don't have complete control over our lives. We are forced to live according to popular opinion and laws and the rules of money. But maybe this is something that we can do something about. Losing weight would save us SO much money in terms of healthcare in the future. It's not even a question.
This all started because of Obie, my parents dog. He used to be slim. Now he's very heavy. He's a two-year-old dachshund. Being heavy drastically reduces his life expectancy and increases his chances of having a spinal injury that will change his life and the life of my parents for good. He doesn't have the willpower to eat healthier. My parents have control over what he eats. And he's gotten obese. They can't exercise him very frequently because of their own physical ailments, I understand that. There is still a way to combat his obesity through simple food modification. And, for a dog, it's so very simple. Just don't feed him as much and just don't reward him as often.
And every time I think about it, I wonder, so how is it any different for me?
I'm thinking about my parent's life. Mainly about their current house. These are people who have been together for over 30 years. I just wish they could be happier.
I think they're bored. Brian and I are kinda bored of each other and it's only been 4 years. I can't imagine after 30 years. Maybe that's why it's important to me to have a smart partner, one who surprises me and challenges me.
I think about my parents weight. They have struggled with obesity for as long as I can recall. I grew up on diet food, oscillating between Weight Watchers and binging. My parents have been fighting their food addictions for over 30 years. The amount of time that they have spent focusing on their weight is mind-boggling. Even if they only think about it for a minute each day, that's 10,950 minutes. That's 182.5 hours.
The most insidious thing about weight management is not the dieting. I think that if fat people (including me) had ONLY the food management to deal with, it would be easy. The hardest part, the killer part, is the sadness that accompanies it.
Brian and I were in our couples counseling session a few months back and I shared that, if I weren't overweight, I probably would have asked Brian to marry me by now. This is despite my depression, despite my financial hardships. I'm not thrilled to suffer from depression, nor from being broke, but I'm truly ashamed of my body. And we only get one body. Why should we be ashamed of it?
I've been reading this book "I Can Make You Thin" which is advertised everywhere. Basically it's this hypnotist who has these techniques to challenge our relationships with food. Because of my week of work I haven't really been able to focus on it but I admit I'm a tad hopeful. But he says that only 10% of people who have fought their weight have been successful. That's a 90% failure rate.
In a class I took this previous semester (a lame-o Health course) they said that there is no effective way to remove weight once it is put on, at least not a way that is effective for the general population. They say that one's best chance for fighting obesity is... to not become obese in the first place.
GOD! The things I could be if I wasn't fat. The things that I would do. The friends I could have. I could run with Dash. I could tie my shoes without discomfort. I could take a photograph and not want to burn it instantly. I could know that I will be around for my kids (or even for my dogs).
Is it too late to do something about this? I don't think so. I truly think that it is never too late.
We don't have complete control over our lives. We are forced to live according to popular opinion and laws and the rules of money. But maybe this is something that we can do something about. Losing weight would save us SO much money in terms of healthcare in the future. It's not even a question.
This all started because of Obie, my parents dog. He used to be slim. Now he's very heavy. He's a two-year-old dachshund. Being heavy drastically reduces his life expectancy and increases his chances of having a spinal injury that will change his life and the life of my parents for good. He doesn't have the willpower to eat healthier. My parents have control over what he eats. And he's gotten obese. They can't exercise him very frequently because of their own physical ailments, I understand that. There is still a way to combat his obesity through simple food modification. And, for a dog, it's so very simple. Just don't feed him as much and just don't reward him as often.
And every time I think about it, I wonder, so how is it any different for me?
working all the time = boring Jeff.
Day 3 (or 4?) or a seven-day-in-a-row-work-streak. It sucks, ESPECIALLY because it's all overnight shifts. Brian was around this whole weekend but I was only awake for about 4-5 hours each day, and then I had to fall back asleep! Blows.
So, nothing has been happening in my life, since I have been asleep for all of it. I'm catching up on Naruto manga, watching DVDs that I have had for a while but haven't seen, and trying to eat healthier. That is it. I haven't even seen Dash enough. He gets in bed with me but I'm so passed out that I don't even know it until I wake up.
I've been talking to a from Craigslist who is quite nice and very local. She has tons of animals, works for the EPA, and her husband works at Gamestop. They sound very cool. Hopefully we'll get to hang out soon.
This weekend's "snow storm" was nothing. We got less than an inch. Weathermen suck.
That's all I got.
So, nothing has been happening in my life, since I have been asleep for all of it. I'm catching up on Naruto manga, watching DVDs that I have had for a while but haven't seen, and trying to eat healthier. That is it. I haven't even seen Dash enough. He gets in bed with me but I'm so passed out that I don't even know it until I wake up.
I've been talking to a from Craigslist who is quite nice and very local. She has tons of animals, works for the EPA, and her husband works at Gamestop. They sound very cool. Hopefully we'll get to hang out soon.
This weekend's "snow storm" was nothing. We got less than an inch. Weathermen suck.
That's all I got.
Annual LJ post
I guess I should figure out how to print out all my LJ posts and just close this sucker down. It ain't doin' anybody no good.
Anyone know how to print out your LJ?
I've been with Brian for over 4 years now. That's crazy. I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately, but, per what I've read, I don't think I'd make a good husband. I'm lacking a lot of the things that a healthy husband should have, most notably sustained mental health. But people with depression have to be able to get married, no? So I wonder how other people do it.
We've got a dog, Dash, who is our focus now. He's adorable and really snuggly and drives me nuts because he's such a hunter, yet he's only 10 pounds. We're working to make him a happier dog. I think he's stressed out. He shakes a lot. I've done research and it sounds like he was possibly removed from his mother and siblings too soon. He doesn't know how to play (he just looks at you) and he behaves poorly with other dogs. I love him very much. He is the light in my life right now.
My job is stupid and not worth mentioning. I'm in my last semester of pre-nursing school, taking only one class, so this semester should be challenging but not as overwhelming as previous semesters. I'm hoping that will leave me some time to get my fat, fat, fat self into some semblance of health. Cuz it's ridiculous.
My family is doing well. My mom's Parkinsons seems to have slowed thanks to a fantastically effective medication. However, this med stops working after approximately two years. It's already been over a year. I found a piece of paper that had my mom's handwriting from before she was sick. I threw it away before I could think about it too much. More avoidance, oh joy.
I'm still lonely in NJ. I've made one new friend who is cool but I see her maybe once every few weeks. I keep thinking that if I get skinny(er), all my problems will be solved. And, in terms of meeting people, I think that it very well may be true.
I'm optimistic for the future. I hope that becoming a nurse will bring meaning to my life, and will also grant me some financial stability for once. It'll be nice just to have a job that pays off some of my bills. I'm so in the red.
My resolution for this year is to be the Jeffest that I can be. That means doing what I want to do and being as true to myself as possible.
Goethe: "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."
Anyone know how to print out your LJ?
I've been with Brian for over 4 years now. That's crazy. I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately, but, per what I've read, I don't think I'd make a good husband. I'm lacking a lot of the things that a healthy husband should have, most notably sustained mental health. But people with depression have to be able to get married, no? So I wonder how other people do it.
We've got a dog, Dash, who is our focus now. He's adorable and really snuggly and drives me nuts because he's such a hunter, yet he's only 10 pounds. We're working to make him a happier dog. I think he's stressed out. He shakes a lot. I've done research and it sounds like he was possibly removed from his mother and siblings too soon. He doesn't know how to play (he just looks at you) and he behaves poorly with other dogs. I love him very much. He is the light in my life right now.
My job is stupid and not worth mentioning. I'm in my last semester of pre-nursing school, taking only one class, so this semester should be challenging but not as overwhelming as previous semesters. I'm hoping that will leave me some time to get my fat, fat, fat self into some semblance of health. Cuz it's ridiculous.
My family is doing well. My mom's Parkinsons seems to have slowed thanks to a fantastically effective medication. However, this med stops working after approximately two years. It's already been over a year. I found a piece of paper that had my mom's handwriting from before she was sick. I threw it away before I could think about it too much. More avoidance, oh joy.
I'm still lonely in NJ. I've made one new friend who is cool but I see her maybe once every few weeks. I keep thinking that if I get skinny(er), all my problems will be solved. And, in terms of meeting people, I think that it very well may be true.
I'm optimistic for the future. I hope that becoming a nurse will bring meaning to my life, and will also grant me some financial stability for once. It'll be nice just to have a job that pays off some of my bills. I'm so in the red.
My resolution for this year is to be the Jeffest that I can be. That means doing what I want to do and being as true to myself as possible.
Goethe: "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."
what's up, bitches?!
Haven't been on here in almost a year! Wowza.
I am currently:
-fat
-doing pre-reqs for nursing school
-vegetarian going on vegan
-really interested in chemistry and biology?!
-enjoying "It's Me or the Dog" and waiting for new Avatars to begin
-listening to High School Musical remixes like a fiend
-in therapy (thank jeebus)
-loving my mayun.
How y'all? Or as they say in NJ, "how's youse guys doings?"
I am currently:
-fat
-doing pre-reqs for nursing school
-vegetarian going on vegan
-really interested in chemistry and biology?!
-enjoying "It's Me or the Dog" and waiting for new Avatars to begin
-listening to High School Musical remixes like a fiend
-in therapy (thank jeebus)
-loving my mayun.
How y'all? Or as they say in NJ, "how's youse guys doings?"
8/13/07
I read today that people eat because they can't find a way to express themselves. It's one of the causes of emotional eating. So maybe writing will help.
I talked to my parents today and they're having a hard day. My mom's spinal tap went fine but now, half a week later, she's having trouble moving around, hip pain, and achiness. She sounds really tired or out of it. She confused me for my brothers and talked about me in the third person ("I really wish your brother would get his ass in gear, sometimes I think he's paralyzed"). It's the cognitive loss that's the most painful. I don't know how to deal with this anymore, especially from up here. We had some hope recently that some of the drugs for Parkinsons might help her (even if the docs aren't positive that it's Parkinsons) and I thought that might be true but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm just not around enough to see it. It's a fucked up thing, the fact that I'm a few hours away living a life that sucks while I should be home, helping them out. I can't imagine they would just leave ME high and dry if something like this happened, and yet that's all I can do for them.
I can't even talk to Brian about it anymore. He's tired of being my support system. I'm getting more and more depressed up here and he's the only one around that I can talk to about it, but it's just not fair for him. We've been talking lately about maybe I should go into a more intensive emotional care unit. Basically, inpatient. My depression is just taking over my life. I'm able to function in the work sphere but everything else is just fucked. So I'm going to consider it. I was originally going to bring my parents into the decision, but since this last call I think it might be too much for them. It sucks because it means my support network is basically Brian, Nicole, and my brothers, and everybody of course has their own stuff going on. I think at this point I need to get a support network of professionals, if I can't have friends in the Princeton area.
I've been trying to get the nursing thing underway, to get a new job, to lose weight. And yet I'm still living with this depression that is extremely comparable to what I faced almost exactly 10 years ago in my first semester in college. And it's really sad to think that after 10 years I'm that same person, but I do feel that way. Is it going to be necessary that every 10 years I just lose it and have to drop everything and get my head back together? I guess worse things could happen. It has made me realize that maybe I'm not meant to live the life that everyone else leads. I look at our neighbors here, a nice attractive rich straight couple with their cute baby and I feel like I can't even make it through a week without wanting to say fuck it, and I begin to feel like maybe more that my life will never be this big successful venture like I had hoped. Maybe I will be someone who has a small life made up of vignettes, rather than trying to be someone with a happy life. I want all the normal things but I just don't think I'm made for them. I was designed, in a fucked up way, for something else. So maybe I need to come to grips with that and stop hating myself for not being what I think I should be. Maybe I need to stop being so responsible for the world and start being responsible to me.
So I'm looking into options for care. And I'm not telling my parents, which for me is a big big deal. I guess maybe I can figure out a plan and THEN tell them. I suck at secrets. And they're my parents, some of my best friends.
As my mantra seems to be now: I don't know.
I talked to my parents today and they're having a hard day. My mom's spinal tap went fine but now, half a week later, she's having trouble moving around, hip pain, and achiness. She sounds really tired or out of it. She confused me for my brothers and talked about me in the third person ("I really wish your brother would get his ass in gear, sometimes I think he's paralyzed"). It's the cognitive loss that's the most painful. I don't know how to deal with this anymore, especially from up here. We had some hope recently that some of the drugs for Parkinsons might help her (even if the docs aren't positive that it's Parkinsons) and I thought that might be true but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm just not around enough to see it. It's a fucked up thing, the fact that I'm a few hours away living a life that sucks while I should be home, helping them out. I can't imagine they would just leave ME high and dry if something like this happened, and yet that's all I can do for them.
I can't even talk to Brian about it anymore. He's tired of being my support system. I'm getting more and more depressed up here and he's the only one around that I can talk to about it, but it's just not fair for him. We've been talking lately about maybe I should go into a more intensive emotional care unit. Basically, inpatient. My depression is just taking over my life. I'm able to function in the work sphere but everything else is just fucked. So I'm going to consider it. I was originally going to bring my parents into the decision, but since this last call I think it might be too much for them. It sucks because it means my support network is basically Brian, Nicole, and my brothers, and everybody of course has their own stuff going on. I think at this point I need to get a support network of professionals, if I can't have friends in the Princeton area.
I've been trying to get the nursing thing underway, to get a new job, to lose weight. And yet I'm still living with this depression that is extremely comparable to what I faced almost exactly 10 years ago in my first semester in college. And it's really sad to think that after 10 years I'm that same person, but I do feel that way. Is it going to be necessary that every 10 years I just lose it and have to drop everything and get my head back together? I guess worse things could happen. It has made me realize that maybe I'm not meant to live the life that everyone else leads. I look at our neighbors here, a nice attractive rich straight couple with their cute baby and I feel like I can't even make it through a week without wanting to say fuck it, and I begin to feel like maybe more that my life will never be this big successful venture like I had hoped. Maybe I will be someone who has a small life made up of vignettes, rather than trying to be someone with a happy life. I want all the normal things but I just don't think I'm made for them. I was designed, in a fucked up way, for something else. So maybe I need to come to grips with that and stop hating myself for not being what I think I should be. Maybe I need to stop being so responsible for the world and start being responsible to me.
So I'm looking into options for care. And I'm not telling my parents, which for me is a big big deal. I guess maybe I can figure out a plan and THEN tell them. I suck at secrets. And they're my parents, some of my best friends.
As my mantra seems to be now: I don't know.
Loneliness
So how do I meet people? I suck suck suck at it. I have one good friend in another city, a loving and kind boyfriend, and two wonderful friends locally (one of whom moved away this morning). I'm such a peoplewhore though. I'm considering being a nurse and wonder if it would help me get some of my need for human contact out of my system. I recall days when I used to work retail, I would come home and just want quiet. I think I just am craving friends, though. I want someone to hang out with and watch movies and do nothing and do everything. I love being with people and maybe "curing" that isn't what I should be craving. I want to be popularrrrrrrrrrr.
Jaysus. I haven't changed since I was a teenager, after all.
Jaysus. I haven't changed since I was a teenager, after all.
Bitches!
So some bitches at work are talking about me. And it's one of those things where they are talking about something, I hear my name mentioned, and then two of them look at me at the exact same time. I talked to this raging cunt today and passed on to a male colleague (who was to follow up with her) that she's "aggressive and defensive". I later heard other colleagues joking with him about it. THEN I see him talking to some of my peers who then look at me and exchanges fucking whispers!
GOD! Someplace where I do not work with homophobes, stupid whores and soulless fucks would be great!
GOD! Someplace where I do not work with homophobes, stupid whores and soulless fucks would be great!
Stuck in my head
Cookie Partyyyyyyy! (cookie partyyy)
Cookie Partyyyyyyy! (cookie partyyyy)
Cookie Partyyyyyyy! (cookie partyyyy)
Why's my sister such a dick?
...In other news, perhaps my tea definitely has lots and lots of caffeine in it. Lots. Cuz I am jumping around in my seat and singing songs and all happy and a bit crazypants.
Cookie Partyyyyyyy! (cookie partyyyy)
Cookie Partyyyyyyy! (cookie partyyyy)
Why's my sister such a dick?
...In other news, perhaps my tea definitely has lots and lots of caffeine in it. Lots. Cuz I am jumping around in my seat and singing songs and all happy and a bit crazypants.
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bouncy
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