alright. so i dont like the fact that dude i am hooking up with decided that naps > sex. don;'t like it at all. but also, i'm glad we didnt sleep together, because then things would get REALLY messed up at work. aaaaaaaand i dont want to sleep with anyone until they can say they love me and really mean it.
the fact that i have one ounce of self confidence left is pretty mind boggling.
as soon as i possibly can, i'm moving out of my house and proving my dad that i am not a horrible person, i am not worthless, and i am capable of accomplishing the simplest of tasks.
i am not going to pretend i like him anymore. he is generous when it comes to tangible things, but he is useless when it comes to my emotional needs. he is never proud, he is never pleased, and he is never happy with me. maybe thats why i have given up on trying to impress him. he will search for faults in everything i do. i am doing everything he asks of me and i am trying my best to juggle four huge things in my life, and he is making it next to impossible to have a happy home life. and he has the audacity to wonder why i would rather be with my friends than my family. my friends would never make me feel like this. my friends have always given me a chance and have always showed me appreciation.
thats all i want. i want some positive affirmations every once in a while. it shouldn't be that hard to get.
he can take the car, he can kick me out, he can take away everything from me. i would trade it all if i could just transform him into the kind of father that i need. one that really loves me for who i am, and not for what i could do for him.
i started medetation again. its really helping me with my anxiety. i guess i'll try and stick with it this time, not be on and off from week to week. i think thats my main problem in life, i have commitment issues. the only people i've been truly commited to my whole life are my family and my closest friends.
i think this year is going to be good. its kind of tough so far, because so many things are changing in so many peoples lives, but i honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. i couldn't be happier with my life and the people in it. i just wish i could reflect that happiness on to other people. i just hope that you know that i put you above most other people in my life (and when i say "you", you know who you are.)
for english i have to write an essay about my inner "shadow." i don't really know what to write about. i don't want it to be anything too personal and be "that girl" in my class, but i don't want to be lame about it and say something "safe." i don't know, i think i'm making it a lot harder than it should be.
but anyway, everyone try to find the good in your life and be happy with it. it works!
i think i actually made myself sick with worry today. maybe i'm neurotic, but on the ride from school to work i actually got nauseous. and i feel bad because i was saying "dude i'm going to fake sick and go home." well i jinxed myself. and now i feel like shit because i don't want nicole to think i was ditching her. i was just so incredibly anxious and worried. basically had a mini panic attack in the car. according to cheryl my face was red and my eyes were teary, so she sent me home after an hour and a half. i feel bad, but at the same time, i'm so incredibly nervous and uncomfortable lately. going home was good for my head. and now i'm neurotic and worried that nicole's going to be mad at me for leaving. good thing it was dead today.
school's pretty good so far. i really like leaving at one.
kellie and i made a great birthday cake for alyssa. i like to think she was surprised even though she prooooooobably wasn't. we would be shitty friends if we didn't do something for her birthday.
so i went home, signed some shit to open my checking account, watched amelie, and slept. oh alley, remind me to give that movie back to you. i'm bad with that stuff.
oh and i don't really care about anything other than my core relationships anymore. i mean, i'm here for you guys and you know that, but i'm not going to get so involved in the little shit anymore. nope.
i still feel a little sick. my nerves are shot, but i'm wide awake from all the sleep i've had. i plan on sleeping until like 11 tomorrow, and then maybe i'll go out to lunch. then work. i have to stay the whole time for that. but hopefully i'll have a new job by the end of the week. if anyone's hiring that you know of, let me know.
