Jamie, tall, funny and ginger- my type. Hit it off immediately. Second date lasted...12 hours with no sex or sleepover (making out). We spent at least 2-3 days a week together for the next three months. He wanted to see other people. He didn't have a fear of commitment per se, but a fear of being hurt by a girl again. I waited, he wanted me to get to know his family and his friends but he wanted to see other girls I waited. We kept seeing each other. Then we took a break for a month. The break wasn't called such. He called on a Tuesday to go to the drive in, I turned him down. He didn't call again. Neither did I. A month later he called (and called) so we had sex, and hung out...twice. I missed him a lot during that month but the sex and the hanging out confirmed it was over.
I had almost told him I loved him. I missed him a lot during those weeks apart.
Tracey Morgan is a total douche. I do not think he is funny. I hope when I see him interviewed he is just playing up this character and isn't really anything like that in real life. Although he is still a douche for thinking that acting that way is funny.
So I just read about the lady that was killed at a SeaWorld or whatever it was in Florida. People are saying how terrible this whale was for killing her, yeah, well sure. It's awful she had to die but honestly do people really want to blame the whale? Hello, it's not meant to interact with humans it is meant to live in the OCEAN. I understand they probably can't move it out to the ocean now, but perhaps not making it perform tricks for crowds of humans that cannot even comprehend what it would be like to be caged. It's pretty disgusting. Humans are nasty creatures.
I should have known the other day when my grandpa acted surprised when I said I was going home on Friday. I have been saying this for well over a month, I am going back to Peterborough the Friday of Labour Day weekend. Now he tells me I can't take the car with me. I already have the car packed. I wouldn't have made my OSAP appointment for this week without the car, I wouldn't have made a To-Do list if I weren't going to have the car. Fuck I wouldn't be going home this weekend just for cost of groceries to feed me. He says he wants to do all this fixing up first. Well why the fuck hasn't he done it already this summer? He told me he was going to do an oil change this past weekend, he told me I needed to buy new tires etc. Its nice of him to offer to fix it all up for me, but he should have done it sooner. Now I don't even want to be bothered. It's just a little disappointment but it wrecks everything. I wouldn't have cancelled my GoodLife membership either. Im disappointed. I knew it would happen. I kept telling Alexis and Patty, just you wait, I won't be able to take the car with me to Peterborough. Now I get to say I told you so...
The thing is, I'm like 90% sure this means that Grandpa will scrap the car while I'm away or something equivalent. I'm moody because my hormones are all fucked, and its going to make me cry.
I'm mad, disappointed and lots of other things with my grandmother. She told my mom I'm depressed that I'm not working, etc right now, and she and my mom got in a huge fight. So here's the email my mom sent me about it. I'm not really sure why my mom had to send me all this. I don't really feel it solved or helped anything.
Hi Jessica, I was talking with you grandmother last night and she is concerned about you. Her and I had a fight...long, long story and a fight that I will not be getting over anytime soon. This does not have anything do with you. Anyway, she let me know that that you are difficulties, namely that you are a little depressed.
You and I have had an unusual relationship not like anyone else's I know. I want you to know that I do care about you and what happens to you. I always have. This is not any different from everyone else's relationship with their daughter. I wish we were closer. I wish we had a relationship like the women I work and their daughters. Maybe, one day you will feel like you can come to me.
I want you to know now more then ever my door is open to you. It has always been open to you. I have dreamt and wished over the years that you would walk through it. I am willing to wait for that day if it ever comes.
In the meantime, I can offer advice not just as your mother, friend, nurse....how ever you need to qualify it. I have been where you are. I do know from personal and professional experience. I can help. If you have questions or need advice, if you need a place to be I am here. John is here too. You truly need only ask.
Your Grandmother said last night that you did not believe me when I told you can come here anytime that you want. You are wrong and so is she. I'm not certain how I can convince you. I guess all I can do is tell you to take a leap of faith and just "show up". We will be here.
At times I think your Grandmother remembers a time when if someone said they had trouble you could just drop everything and go to them. It is not that easy anymore for anyone in fact I think its harder. I have two jobs neither provide me with sick time or benefits. John has some sick time and benefits that cover us both. We are like a lot of couples. We are swimming in debt and neither of us can afford a day off unless we have to. We haven't adjusted to buying to a house so the utilities, credit cards, etc seem like mountains. Again like every adult on the planet. We will get through it with time.
John and I do get worried when our finances feel like they are out of control...like everyone else...and we become obsessed with "must go to work so we can pay bills" that unless we are hit over head we don't know what is going on. We have everything on sort of schedule that really just serves us not having to scramble around and create more stress for ourselves. We are under enough.
I guess this was a little of what happened last night when I talked things over with your grandmother. I will not allow her to lay guilt, shame, manipulate or critique me anymore. It took me years to build some self esteem and I will not let her or anyone take that from me. Enough said on that.
Once I had a little self esteem (BTW, it took me over seven years to stand up for myself at shitty job) until I could go to school and try to build some kind of life for myself and John. I had hoped this would include you. I did it alone. John helped a little along the way but there was really only some much he could do and help with. I took the bus. I waited at the stops in the pouring rain and blizzards. Alone and at all hours. Just like you. I did not receive OSAP or help from family. We did it. We juggled and struggled. The first year was tough. I used up all of my RRSPs. We always lived paycheck to paycheck. We didn't have a car until my second or third year. John was paying for it. He needed it for work. The second year I had a bus pass. It came as part of my tuition. I was still getting unemployment for the first two months (during the first year) and then nothing for the rest of the year while I upgraded. I was able to get a credit card and used that for my first year of nursing. After my second year of nursing I was able to get two part jobs for the summer only. I went for to Connestoga College for four years. I searched, like you, every summer for jobs but as I was older no one would hire me. They saw me as limited...they wanted to train people who would stay with them.. work crazy hours..etc. So, I do know all about this too.
I could go on and on about all this and my journey from my parents house until where I am now but really it was only my intention to show you that I care and I do have valuable advice you might want, need or find helpful to get you from where you are now to a better place. I can say something my mother...yes, your grandmother...never ever said to me and that is I am so proud of you. You have had your share of hardships and have overcome them too. I brag about you all the time at work. I am sorry my plans and dreams for you and I did not go the way I wanted them to. I still wish they will.
If you need me you know where I am. And yes, really I am only a call or email away. It is where I have always been.
This morning I went down to the kitchen and washed a bowl of grapes, sat down at the table with my book and started reading. My grandma was sitting there as well, on the phone with her sister bitching about their other sister who currently has lung cancer...lovely.
My grandmother started yelling at me: I hope you didn't get those grapes for just you.
And of course, the bowl of grapes was just for me.
Me: Why did you want some? (and i hand the bowl over so she can take some). Grandma: No I didn't mean that. They have been in there a few days and you didn't offer them to anyone. (this is not said politely, this is at the point just before yelling starts). Me: Anyone who wants some can help themselves. I didn't realize I had to go around the house and ask everyone if they wanted grapes when I bought them. Grandma: I hope you didn't buy them just for you. Me: What do you mean? Grandma: I hope you didn't buy them just for you. Me: Anyone who wants any can go in the fridge and have some. Grandma: (screaming and looking at me all crazy eyed) I hope you didn't buy them just for you.
Now these grapes I didn't just buy for me. A few weeks ago I bought a whole bunch microwavable dinners special for me because I have certain dietary needs/wants. My aunt and uncle ate them all. I was pissed. I'm not pissed because they ate them, I'm pissed because most nights I have dinner here is something like peas and carrots and rice because I don't eat pork or beef. Keep in mind my grandparents WILL NOT make meals to fit my needs or likes. I get these dinner things so that I can eat some chicken once in awhile. My grandparents replace the yummy meals I get with Swanson shit. My grandmother says things to me like "Well we don't buy the things you like so you must buy them for yourself." Well that's okay with me, just don't let these other people eat them. I have easily spent a few hundred dollars on groceries so far this summer and that was the whole point of staying with my grandparents. They also give me my grandpa's tax return because he claims me on his taxes. They do this because if my grandfather doesn't claim me he has to pay tax. So this year I got $1000, which I then lent $500 back to them which they were to pay back in 2 installments first in June, second in August. They aren't paying it back. My grandma told me (indirectly) they aren't giving me the money back. I don't have a job. My dad and mom don't help me out. In fact I emailed my mom telling her how much I'm struggling, how I can't afford to pay my tuition deposit etc this summer, and she told me she is getting her haircut/dyed at some expensive salon in Kitchener next week, and how she and John are tightening their belts to help pay down some of their debts. Did I mention they went on a 14 day cruise in February and they already booked the same cruise again for next year? The cruise cost them just under $5000. Granted this year they got a discount. Yet she can't fork over $300 to help me? I have to lay in bed every night getting panic attacks, anxiety attacks thinking about money and school and stressing out about everything. I hate my maternal side of the family.
