I just spent 20 minutes (or what felt like 20 minutes) in the bathroom again. I'm kind of annoyed with myself because of that, but I couldn't help it. I was never sure when I was done peeing, and I didn't want to go back to the bathroom, and I got distracted by my phone. So yeah, that was an interesting experience. It was frustrating. And my stomach still feels a little bit cramped. So that's great too. sigh...
I'm laying down upstairs again, listening to music while a fan blows at me. The weather network is calling for rain storms, so I'm using headphones to try and avoid being scared by the noise. There's a lot of stuff I want to write, but my brain is starting to feel spacey and tired. But I swear there's stuff I wanted to say.
Part of it was about his I took 20 minutes in the bathroom again. I strained on my bladder again because I didn't want to get up to pee 5+ times. But I still got up to pee once already. So it's all frustrating.
I could write more, but I really am tired and exhausted. I can't think straight, and it's frustrating. Really, really frustrating.
Bladder Cancer Treatment - Uhapo
I'm laying down upstairs again, listening to music while a fan blows at me. The weather network is calling for rain storms, so I'm using headphones to try and avoid being scared by the noise. There's a lot of stuff I want to write, but my brain is starting to feel spacey and tired. But I swear there's stuff I wanted to say.
Part of it was about his I took 20 minutes in the bathroom again. I strained on my bladder again because I didn't want to get up to pee 5+ times. But I still got up to pee once already. So it's all frustrating.
I almost made a different post about this earlier. But I'm remaking it here because my past one in my drafts displayed me being tired and exhausted and temperamental and choosing to start a fight that I really have no readiness to fight back against.
I'm tired, and that's why I wrote all that earlier. And I'm tired because it's 4 pm and I woke up at 4 am. But it's probably also because it looks like it's going to rain outside. sigh...
I'm laying down upstairs again now, listening to music while a fan blows at me. It took me forever to get out of the bathroom, though. I was sitting there for nearly 5-10 minutes, just desperately waiting for a bit of pee I knew desperately had to come out. At some point, I just began straining on my bladder to get stuff out of it. So that was really rough. Maybe I should talk to someone about that.
I mean…I drink a lot of water. That's always been true. I tend to drink a lot, and I think that means my bladder is probably always full of urine it can release. That's probably why I woke up at 3:30 last night, honestly. I woke up because I needed to pee. I have a struggle with sleeping or doing anything on a full bladder. Hence why I tend to sequester myself in the bathroom and strain like mad to force pee out of me. If me and my dad are going somewhere, I'll strain and strain until I'm confident my bowels and my bladder are clear. I do the same thing most nights before I go to bed, and I tend to wake up overnight on nights where I don't remember to follow through with all this. So straining comes naturally to me, for better or for worse.
I've heard it's supposed to rain this evening. I'm really nervous about that. It was bright and sunny, but now it's just cloudy and dreary. I'm scared it's going to thunder. I don't deal with noise very well, so I am worried about all of that. It keeps oscillating between sunny and bright and cloudy and dark. I'm just worried it's gonna really storm, and I don't know how I'd deal with all that.
I feel like there's more I could write down here. But also, I just keep crossing my fingers and losing my train of thought. So I'll end this note here for now. But yeah, I'm really hoping it doesn't storm soon.
PS: I often wonder if my bladder is affected by my masturbation habits. Does cleaning the penis of semen by pressing cold paper towels to it...does that hurt the nerves or something? Sometimes I wonder about that. I should probably talk to my therapist about this, but I feel almost too nervous to. Hell, does the very act of orgasming do something to the nerves? I wish I knew.
So Today I was watching videos and one popped up with a high school teacher and an elementary school teacher, and the elementary school teacher triggered me.
Now, I'm not saying I had a bad elementry school experience, but I will say the thing I hate with a burning rage is BATHROOM RULES.
Like, I understand that you have a designated time to take them to the bathroom but that's not how that works.
It especially angered me as a kid during the hotter months of school because I went there before they installed air conditioning in all the classrooms so only the library and 2 classes had air conditioning, which meant that the rest of us were hot, so we would drink water, a lot of water, then we would have to go to the bathroom, and then the teachers would be mad that we needed the bathroom.
I will admit, I was not as impacted as other kids because I had a doctor's note that allowed me to go whenever i needed to from second grade to about the end of 4th grade (i had bladder infections often) then I got my period in late 5th or early 6th grade and one time it started during class and a twacher told me I couldn't go to the bathroom so I wound up announcing to the whole class I was on my period and I was rarely told no again.