hey man. nice regional dialect. mind if i apply some baseless assumptions about your personhood to it? i was also gonna prescribe morality to it as well. if that’s cool with you

Actually as a native English speaker learning a second language one of the big disappointing realizations is that not every language with an alphabet has a near universally accepted alphabet song

Some alphabet songs out there in some languages are made up just for second language learners. Sometimes there’s like five competing versions of an alphabet song. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be one and children are apparently just going face first into the ice water of alphabet memorization without a snorkel

The Queering the Map project launched in May 2017 so I'm thinking about Shane reading an article on it that summer at the cottage, still warm from an afternoon with Ilya in the sun, then pulling up a little rink in Saskatchewan on it and in a moment of daring posting a pin with "December 2008. Fell in love with him here ❤️". A little shiver runs through him, and after some minor anxiety about IP tracking he moves on with his day and eventually forgets.

Years later, one of the rookie Centaurs brings up the map in conversation at a team party and mentions his favorite pin, an odd one at the Saskatchewan rink. Shane goes a little pale but lingers to hear, just in case. The rookie pulls it up on his phone and reads it out:

"December 2008. A shy smile, two handshakes, and a million freckles like stars. I have chased him ever since."

Do you think that whenever the "Mom and Dad aren't mad, we're just disappointed" card doesn't work Hayden pulls out what he considers to be the secret weapon.

Good old reliable "Your Uncle Shane would have never done that" / "Your Uncle Shane would do that"

Because sometimes in the eyes of kids and later teenagers whatever Mom and Dad tell you is just wrong and boring and ugh you just don't get it, Dad!

And, look. In some instances it works. Especially when they're still kids.

Your Uncle Shane goes to bed early because he knows the importance of sleep. Your Uncle Shane eats his veggies because he knows they're healthy.

And Shane is happy enough to nod along because yes getting enough sleep and eating vegetables is important.

But then, as the Pikelings get older. Well.

"Your Uncle Shane would have never snuck into the bedroom of a boy in the middle of the night!"

It slips out before Hayden realises what he's said. He hasn't used the Uncle Shane card in a while but Jade did try to sneak out during the night to meet Josh, not expecting her Dad and Uncles to still be awake because hello, it's almost midnight, don't old people go to bed early? Jade just huffs and crosses her arms.

Meanwhile in the back Shane and Ilya glance at each other, Ilya biting his lip so he doesn't laugh and Shane using all of his self-control to keep a neutral face. Because Uncle Shane did in fact sneak into the room of a boy in the middle of the night. Many times. Many, many times.

shane in the first year of their relationship, especially, taking the opportunity of mealtimes or general downtime to go through those "get to know your significant other" question lists with ilya. what's your favourite colour. what's your biggest fear. what's your most embarrassing memory. etc. ilya finds this very very cute and answers every question after serious deliberation. they find out so many tiny, silly, insignificant, surprising, endearing, wonderful things about each other. some of the answers lead to full conversations before they go back to the lists (or decide to pick them up another time). they laugh until they cry and roast each other's opinions on things and get goopy-eyed more than once (or twice. or ten times.) and by the time they've exhausted all the good lists they each have a precious library full of facts about the other person in their heads. knowing more things about someone doesn't necessarily mean you love them more, but sometimes you can't say I love you every other breath, and saying I got you the blue one because I knew you'd hate the orange is the same thing.

MyShane uses his incredible focus powers and autistic masking to ask players mundane interview questions that lead to devastating chirps during face-offs.

Shane (staring intensely at where puck is about to drop, with the most casual voice): So where're you from, originally?

Player (star struk and also confused enough to answer): uh- wh- um, Texas?

Shane: huh, not much hockey there, how'd you get into it?

Player(excited about talking hockey with Shane Hollander!): yeah, my uncle played for the Maple leafs.

Shane: oh, cool, does he still play?

Player: no, he only played two seasons.

Shane (kindly, like a kindergarten teacher): You might want to follow his lead on that.

Puck drop, player left standing until Shane scores.

laptopped:

hunting down tumblr posts i see on pinterest part 1127

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i like to ote ote ote oples and bononos

shane and jj rating the racist shit they hear on the ice. 6/10 okay that genuinely pissed me off. 1/10 yelling a slur takes no creativity no effort no pizzazz. booooo boring!!! 8/10 i broke a finger on your face for that one so i guess i have to give you points but also points off for being fucking evil. 4/10 okay i had to go to wikipedia for this one man, i actually didnt know that was a slur that existed??? damn

as touching as it is that ilya offered to go with shane to talk to his parents after david walked in on them, a moment that I think is as worthy of notice, if not MORE worthy, is the moment right after david has been caught looking at them and turns tail. shane, in his shock, basically freezes. he does not know what just happened. he does not know what to do. ilya is saying "maybe you should—" go after/talk to him, and shane's brain is logically processing that as correct—he says "yeah, yeah, yeah"—but his feet remain planted. AND ILYA, BRAVE- AND BIG-HEARTED ILYA, SAYS, "do you want me to—?" and points at himself. ilya rozanov has very likely never met david hollander. never exchanged words with him. knows what david's opinion of him likely is, as a player for boston and an infamous asshole and most importantly shane's career-long rival. but in this moment of devastating vulnerability for shane ilya, without hesitation, asks if shane wants him to go after his dad and talk to him about the situation. however he can think to do so on the spot. because he can see shane crumbling and his first instinct is to do whatever shane needs to be okay. well I'M not okay!!!!!!!!

Reblog and put in the tags the last full album you listened to

I do love how despite Ilya being the one in active mental health treatment and having Romance Protagonist levels of insane trauma background Shane is 1000000% the crazier one between them. Like Ilya’s done shockingly well considering and sure he’s got some abandonment issues and some insecurities but he’s basically very functional and aware of his triggers. Shane I think would actually do a murder suicide in the right circumstances. Not shitpost Shane like canon Shane

When I said this everyone who commented was like “that’s my anxious little baby :)” and like no I’m not saying he’s an anxious little chihuahua I’m saying he’s terrifying and has a truly strange sense of proportionality

I’m saying if a drunk driver killed Ilya or something Shane would hunt that man down and shoot him in the head and then kill himself

Please please please don't click those phishing texts

i hope that youngers girls look at me and think im cool the way i did when i was younger

Needed this today

my bad. turns off my perpetual motion dog catapulting machine