The smallest things

Okay scratch the previous post, I logged into the uni website applicant profile and I GOT IN! The official letter won't come until some time in July and I'm switching between "I'M A UNI STUDENT" and "WHAT IF IT'S A MISTAKE", but I'm cautiously happy. The info comes into the applicant profile based on my social security number straight from the university database (and I think this is why the result was in over a week before they promised to let the applicants know). Theoretically, there shouldn't be much room for error here.

I'M GOING TO STUDY IN A UNIVERSITY. MUSICOLOGY HERE I COME!

I'm so happy. Now I can work my ass off for the rest of the summer so that when the term starts I can just hit the books and not worry about money that much. The result I got was the city where my girls live. We can start looking up apartments. My mom has already planned the interior of my new place. They're proud, her and dad. And my Gaffer (my dad's dad, a fiddler who's partly, mostly, responsible for me starting violin in the first place).

I hope I can convey a part of this joy via LJ. It's a wonderful feeling and I want you guys to have a share of it.

My big exam is tomorrow, and I'm starting to get nervous. It's under control, but I can definitely feel the butterflies.

It helped some that yesterday I went to see an exam concert of some friends of mine (including the Hot Bassist, who hasn't really been anyone since November). It was great because I got some insight on different attitudes on performing and being on stage.

It's all about how confident I look. Small mistakes are more easily forgiven if I don't let them get to me. Only, it's easier said than done when you're playing for a board of professional musicians who are there to judge and score your playing (I almost said "you", because those often get mixed in music schools). Playing for a real audience would be another matter entirely. Which is why I've asked some friends of mine to come. The guys had a plan to save my butt: they'd get drunk tonight, stay up all night and come see my exam, giggling and making drunken bracket to distract the board. It did make me laugh, imagining my 5ft tall teacher throwing them out.

That kind of goofing around is surprisingly helpful. Every one of my school mates has had to deal with exams and auditions, and we all agree that they suck. I'm offered with all of their ways of coping, and I get to choose which ones I use. My being a nervous wreck is forgiven more easily than I'd have thought. There's a very empathetic atmosphere at our lounge.

I think I might do a school tour post later today. To distract myself.

Can you get high on music? Or, I don't know, stress hormones? Just asking because I feel like I have a work hangover. I have a massive head ache, feel sick, my muscles ache and it feels like I could just spend the whole day sleeping: I seem to be unable to pick myself up and go warm up for my violin lesson (yes, on Saturday). Ouch.

I am still very happy for last week and my band is still amazing, only physically I feel pretty beat. By body seems to be slightly manic-depressive.

Maybe it's time to remind myself of the limits of a human body (like, half a lunch doesn't support a 12-hour schoolday), and also the burnout I had a couple of years back. If some day I'm able to live a sustainable everyday life and not get myself in this shape regularly, I have achieved something.

So I'm back in my town again, and this time am old friend of mine is visiting me. She's the pianist who also has this TOS-thing (Thoracic outlet syndrome is this thing on the left side of my upper body that makes practicing violin a little tricky and sometimes painful for me). There's a funny brothers-in-arms feeling in hanging out with her. Her good spirit and determination make it easier for me to hold onto my dream and love for my profession.

Last night, I had some time to kill before her train was here so I went to a friend's place to say hi. There were a few other music students and we had a super long and animated talk about politics to religion and ethics to estethics. For me, talking out loud is a bit of a difficulty, but now that everyone there were familiar it was surprisingly easy to actively take part in the conversation and defend my views. We had a drink, sat comfortably in the living room talking and I enjoyed myself very much.
I think I was the idealistic one wanting to believe in the good in people. The few things we agreed on were that all war is idiocy and no place for intelligent humans, and that religions are problematic with all the politics that come with them, but that the need for a faith of some kind is very common for people regardless of their culture. But I think I had the tendency of being on the bright side. I just refuse to give up on the world. I also think that just because peace and open politics and sustainable consuming sound like utopias now, we aren't allowed to stop working for them. Every tiny step towards good is a step towards good. We can't give up just because it isn't easy.

Anyway, now the pancake the pianist and I made is ready so I've got to go. But I promise you a picture post of my summer abventures!

The pancake smells so good, I wish I could send you a smell-sample via LJ.

Simple pleasures.

Short and sweet now since it's 2.45am (-___-") and I've got a lesson tomorrow: I write this series called "What's happiness?" to make myself count my blessings regularly and concentrate on the good things. The things I put there are usually just little things or moments that make me think "awesome, how great is my life!". Turns out it's very good for my general mood, so I thought I should share it even though I meant to write it only for myself. It can't hurt to write them again, and who knows if it makes someone else notice more the little good things in life.

So what makes me happy today is when you notice that you and a friend were again unconsciously mimicing each other's postures while watching a movie, and also to have your very own bookcase. I didn't have one in most of my previous apartments or it was some pathetic makeshift solution, and now that I have a proper one, it makes me kind of goofily bright and shiny. <3

Would be nice to read if anyone else had moments like that to share? :)


Good night!

In real life, when you first meet me, I'm probably awkward, quiet and kind of formal. That, of course, has nothing to do with you but is merely a consiquence of my own insecurity. It's difficult to try to be what they call 'myself' around new people, when you don't yet have any idea how they react, what makes them feel comfortable, what sounds funny to them and what just makes them question your sanity. Also, I don't want to accidentally offend anyone, and worry that they don't see that my intentions are good. Not everyone even tries to hear what you meant to say instead of how you said it.
So I keep my distance, stay on my own territory, watch and see how it goes. It's meant to be polite and considerate, but often just looks like awkward and plain.

However, it gets easier when I have a specific role. For example, I get praise for my customer service at work (I work at a gas station/cafe/cafeteria/fast food place on school holidays to fund my studies). I'm fluent, polite and efficient, good with people. But the key is, I have the role between myself and the judgement of the world outside. Simplified, here's the logic: If people don't like me as myself I wonder what did I do wrong, if people don't like my work-me, I know I did everything according to my part and thus right and if they have a problem then the problem is theirs, I couldn't have predicted that. Most people like me and my boss says I'm doing fine. He's hired me five summers in a row.

Of course, having a certain role doesn't mean I stand behind the counter wearing a big fake smile and repeating phrases my boss told me to use. But the role is the staring point, a.k.a the box. The definition, and common to most people. When I have that starting point, it's easier to bring out little pieces of my own personality into the work-me. Things outside the customer-service-coffeeshop-girl -box. I get along with kids so I often talk to the kids too and not just their parents, I'm generally curious so if someone has an interesting t-shirt or a kayak on the top of their car (and also they don't seem grumpy, in a hurry or otherwise bothered), I'll ask them about it, I line the bottles and write the menu extra neatly because I think it looks nice. Not all my co-workers do that. Those are little things outside the box, and even though they are small, everyday things, they make me unique and memorable enough, I'm told.
Other such roles exist in all social situations. The setting inevitably affects our personalities. There's the me I am as a student on a violin lesson with my teacher, the me as a babysitter, the me as a band-leader, the me as the child of my parents, the me as a girl in a bar on a Friday night.
It helps me to be me to have all these starting points. With a new person or in a new situation the parameters aren't defined and the starting point is unclear, and often my first reflex to that is to reduce the talking to a minimum and analyze (read: over-analyze) every word before I speak. I guess other people react by getting loud or laughing a lot and so on.

The same thing applies to composing. It's really difficult to ever get started if you can do anything you want. The palette is too big, the scene too wide. I know people are trying to be unique and revolutional by going entirely outside the parameters of music as we know it, but if you don't set yourself some kind of parameters first, how can you ever go outside them?
It's easier and, frankly, more rewarding for everyone involved if you first choose a style or form (the box: the starting point) that appeals to you, get to know that first and then expand it and make your own version.

Somehow people say "think outside the box" like the inside of the box was less valuable, and then they try and skip the building of the box and end up either confused or confusing.

Phew. So that's what I thought about today.

Trying to get to work early tomorrow so now it's Good Night!


And oh, P.S. Hooray, I had to use the dictionary a few times to get all that written! I had a feeling this would make me expand my dictionary! Hope there's nothing particularly goofy there.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I first intended to not make an introduction post, but soon realized it makes things easier with all the other stuff, so here we go.

First things first, I intend to write anonymously, at least for now, so I'll just introduce myself as Wolfie. :)
I'm a 21-year-old musician-student-composer. Means to say at the moment I study to become a musician and my main areas of focus are classical music, violin (which is my first instrument) and composing. I study in a small school in a rather small town, and live in the most wonderfull apartment, that has a huge balcony and lots of sun in the summer. It's my refuge and my very own little home.
Although I study in the classical music department I listen to and play various styles of music (occasionally with various instruments). Lately I've become interested in theatre and musical drama.
Aside from my work, I'm a book enthusiast, amateur philosopher, coffee drinker, staying up too late, rather quiet jeans-and-converse-shoes- type of person. I enjoy gathering knowledge and learning to understand. I'm said to be empathetic, good-willing, thoughtful, hard-working and slightly naive. I would like to focus on the good things merely because it makes my life much more rewarding and, well, fun.
This journal is meant to be about little remarks of life, using mine and other people's as examples. Lately I've been interested in lifestyle choises, different ways of thinking, faith and religions, moral, philosophy in general, social standards and cultural differences, social roles (like a caretaker, authority, gender roles), pedagogics (both learning and teaching) and psychology, sociology and society in general, to name a few.
I enjoy conversation and see it as one great way of learning, so bring it on, challenge me!:)

I think this qualifies as a starter kit to the inside of my head.
Oh, and by the way, I'm not a native english-speaker, just learned in school, so if I make mistakes with grammar or use funny or kind of wrong words, it's allright to let me know :)

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Oh my. I hope this online diary -thing works out. I've needed some place to write for some time now, and this seemed like the most suitable one.
Mainly I'm writing just for the sake of finding words and definitions for the unorganized ideas and vague feelings inside my head, but they say conversation is a great way to learn and grow as a person, so any comments, agreeing, disagreeing, additions, thought formed while reading - everything's cherised and appreciated! Challenge me!