Withered Angel

I guess it has been a while since I have posted on here last. It seems I have been too busy living life instead of writing about it...which isn't a bad thing really. Things with Anthony and I are still going well. He seems to have adjusted to living with a girlfriend for the first time. He seems a bit more relaxed in the fact that I won't ditch him. I am sure the fear is still in the back of his mind somewhere. I don't blame him considdering how things ended last time with us. I love and care for him very deeply and I guess I always have in some way. He has been wounded so many times in life it can sometimes be difficult to get past that. It can be hard to forget the hurts of past relationships gone wrong. I guess in someways you never really do. I feel sorry for the contribution I made to that pile but I am trying to make up for that now. It is better to convince with actions instead of words I think. It is far easier to say one thing but much more difficult to fallow threw. I hope it's everything he wants.

I know it has been a while since I have wrote in here. So I figured I would take a little time to write a little about whats going on. Well Anthony has been living with me now since the beginning of april or so. Things are going really good for us thus far. Not that I expected it to be anything else but great. Yes we are one of those lovey couples that make people want to barf but fuck it, who cares. I am truly happy and he seems to be too so thats all that matters really. I will spare anyone who reads this all the mushy crap I really want to write and leave it at this.

Everything is going so good right now, I can hardly believe it. I am not sure if I can say I have ever been more happy in my life. I am so surprised things have gone the way I have invisioned. I was getting a little worried that it wasn't going to go the way it was meant to. Things where very rough for a little while. It all changed the day I finally got the call I had been waiting for. From that moment everything changed and begin to move forward again. I have never felt like this for another person...it almost doesn't seem real like I am stuck in some awsome dream. If I am I hope I never wake up....lol.

well things are still the same with me and Tim for the moment I guess...a big mess. At least he admitted to me this morning that he is "seeing" a few girls. I guess it doesn't make too much of a difference now really. The honesty would have been better a while ago. It just seems it would have saved both of us a little time and pain. He just needs to figure out why he does this kind of stuff or he will never be able to stop it from happening again in future relationships. I have done so much stuff for him and have even put my life on hold for the last few months because he was still here. At the time we agreed that we wouldn't date other people as long as he was still living with me...of course again I was the only one that did what I said I would do. Who's the fool here? WTF is wrong with me? I put off getting ahold of a guy I use to date because I didn't want to start anything because I made that promise to Tim and I didn't want to hurt him. Lets just say shit has gone all wrong because I waited like a stupid idiot. Who has ever heard of things fucking up because you did the right thing? And of course Tim just did what he wanted to do anyway as always. It's like he fucked me over one last time without even trying and big time. I almost hate to see what he will do for an encore. My shit is all fucked up now and Anthony's shit is all fucked up because I didn't do what I should have because I wanted to do the right thing....that really sucks. Tim says he will try to make it right somehow. We will see how that works. We will see if he is full of shit about that too.

Yep, life kind of blows right now. There is just so much crap going on. Things are not going the way I need. You know how it is the more you want something the more likely it will not work.

I fear as time goes on here the more of a pathetic chump I appear. I try to be nice but for some reason people take advantage of my caring nature. Why does it seem that everyone is always tying to play some angle? Am I the only one that does what I say I am going to do? I can't handle sneaky shady crap. I don't understand why I bother with people anymore. I stay at home, mind my own business and do my own thing. Why does it seem that everyone else is having fun but me?

Trust me. This is necessary. This...is...necessary. Pretty colors. Father. Forgive me.
I had another dream of you. Thanks for not labeling me. Everyone else has.
It is written all over my face. Erase. Crease. Decease.
Diagnose.
Morose.
Doctors like to classify.

I become

words on paper.
A file.
A program.
I am labeled again.


There are many names for

what I am.


Classifcations.

Disorders.


Orders
Disobey.
Hell to pay.


Pouring blood in the
Pouring rain.
A thousand hells
in the form of pain.


Study me. Sample me.
You know nothing about me.
Gangrenous introversion
And I die a little more.

It appears I haven't updated in a while. There has been a lot of stuff going on. I guess it is hard to talk about while the events are still occurring. My christmas went well. I got some cool things, which is nice sometimes. I do miss hanging out with my sister more. Time goes by so fast it seems.

Here is the sock I am knitting so far.

( Collapse )

It is what sundays are for....relaxing. Tim is at work today so it has been real quite around here. I am making spaghetti sauce. It has been cooking all day it will kick ass...yummy!!! I wish I could just stay home all the time and cook yummy shit....lol.