I've been working with Giles for the past few months to control my power. It really has been great of him to do this for me even after... well... what I did. I can't help but think that inside his head he considers me a murderer. Well, I am, so maybe that would make sense. I'm really hoping I can make amends with everyone when I get back. But I have to say, England was absolutely gorgeous. It was really nice to get out of Sunnydale and reflect on everything. Giles also taught me about my power; things that I did not even know. The power lies in me. I can't get rid of it, but Giles taught me to control it.
I am on my way home to Sunnydale, and I am very nervous about confronting my friends, especially Xander. I still can't believe how I let my power get so out of control that I both physically and emotionally hurt my friends. Giles has also taught me about self-forgiveness, but I'm not sure that I actually can completely. Making eye contact with them for the first time will be difficult. But Xander pretty much risked his life to tell me that he loved me. Now that takes courage. But the whole after-effect scares me. Maybe he thought about it and changed his mind about how he felt? Maybe he hates me? And Buffy. I'm so scared of facing Buffy.
Now Dawn always looked up to me. I ruined that "role model" type figure I thought I was, or should have been. I probably hurt her too.
But one of my biggest fears is going back home and not having Tara there. I'm going back to all the memories. In England, it was a bit easier because I had nothing to remind me of her. Now I will pass the shops we went to, place we ate at, and rooms we were together in. I know people are going to bring it up and ask about it. Especially aquaintences who don't know the situation. It's been a little while since her death, but I've been so focused on keeping my powers under control I haven't been through the grieving process. And I don't want anyone to comfort me because I feel like I don't deserve it.
Well, here it goes. The plane will be arriving soon.
Oz has been acting a bit strange. We've been on dates... he even tucked in my tag, but now he's all distant... First I think he likes me... and then he doesn't. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I just give him some space? Or does he want me to make a move? This whole boy dating thing is very weird. I really think Buffy and I should have a talk about this.
Giles has been going on and on about the Master. Geez, when will the Master attack already?? I hate to say that, but we have been on our toes for months now. I hate how he is being so unpredictable. I just want to get the fight over with. I guess thats only my point of view though.... I know Buffy is very worried about what is going to happen with him. Giles says that he continues to grow stronger and the sooner we defeat him, the better. I'm trying to look into magics to help the situation. I'm told that I'm not a strong enough witch yet... but practice makes perfect, right?
Everything is just so confusing. I'm not sure about ANYTHING at this point. I think I need some sleep.
I don't know what to think. Part of me is very happy that Oz does not have to go to jail. However, I know he's guilty and it makes me angry that the court can just send a guilty man on the streets, even if he says he did it. Oz just seems out of it, and I really don't know what to say or do. Our relationship has been a struggle, but we both love each other, so I know we can make it work. I try to support him on everything that he does. I can feel when Oz is thinking about the murder... He just gets all quiet and kind of looks at the ground. Then when I try to hug him, he just backs away thinking he doesn't deserve any sympathy.
I feel as though I am drifting from everybody again. Whenever anything happens with Oz, good or bad, I just zone out into my little "Oz-World." My life is always revolving around him, but the thing is, I don't really mind. I chose it to be that way. Is that unhealthy? Maybe so.... but I just want to be wrapped up in him forever.... I think about forever a lot.
I don't really understand what is going on with Buffy. She's kind of all over the place and whenever I talk to her she mentions something about a guy named Angel and first he's good and then he's bad and so on and so on. I'm just all confused, but I think she is probably more confused than I am.
And then there is Oz. I've been kind of keeping my distance from him lately because I guess one of his friend recently died. I know that he went to some sort of funeral but didn't go into much detail. He seemed a bit distant after that, so I am just giving him his space.
I guess I've been bored lately with all my friends all over the place. Xander's been telling me about this vampire named Spike. He's supposed to be good, I think? I'm just getting confused about who's good, who's not good, etc, etc. I almost wish my life would go back before I knew about all these evil creatures.
I've been spending most of my time alone in my room, working with the magic books. I'm actually beginning to become really powerful, but I have yet to tell anyone. I'm scared to tell Oz because I'm not sure what he will think or maybe be a bit scared. I'm not sure what Oz knows or anything.
I'm going to buy a pet fish. I think I need a pet.
Well it turns out there is a vampire on the loose that looks exactly like me. She came to my dorm room, scaring me to death, asking me to help her get back home. Apparently I guess she is from another dimension and needs my help. She also told me that Xander is also a vampire in her world and he is stuck here as well. With a cross of course, I followed her as she took me to the vampire Xander. It was weird looking at Xander as a vampire. I wondered where these vampires came from. I was still confused as ever, and honestly I didn't know what I would do. I wasn't sure if Buffy knew. I should probably tell the gang before I did anything too rash. I told them to hang out for a little while, as I got some better help.
As I was walking back home, I realized I was passing where Oz used to chain himself up when he was still a werewolf. I was really lonely, so I went down there for some comfort. I sat down on the ground, stroking the bars. I missed him terribly. A tear started dripping down my cheek. I wanted thing to be the way they used to be.
I was really excited that Xander had called me yesterday to help him move back home. That not only meant I could see him again, but also that he was getting a lot better. I practically sprinted to Giles' front door and knocked loudly. As Giles opened the door, I was grinning widely at him. "Hey, Giles. How are you?" He said he was fine and then Xander appeared and said hey. Xander!" I rushed over to him and hugged him. It was great to see him up and walking. Last time I saw him he barely had any life in him. "Feeling better?" I asked him. "Yeah, I'm feeling better, still a lil sore." I looked Xander up and down again. I had forgotten that even though he was up moving around that he still could be sore. "What can I do to help you with the packing stuff?" "I just got this small bag here. Dawn should be over in a little bit and we can hang out for it bit with Giles. Maybe we should call Buffy and Angel and see if they want to come over. Is that okay Giles?" "The more the merrier," Giles responded.
It was sad to think that the scooby gang finally getting together for the first time this year. It's really upsetting to think that it was Xander's tragedy that brought us together.
After Xander hung up the phone after talking to Buffy he said, "She's on her way over. Angel's not at home but he might come over later." I said loud enough for Giles to hear over the dish washing. "So what's new with you Will?" "Well, the whole Oz thing has turned for the worst. We talked - but had a fight... and now he's no where to be found." I said kind of shyly. "I'm sorry to hear that," Giles told me. "I'm sorry Wills." Xander said sincerely. "Yeah, no... I'm ok. I'm just a little worried about him actually. But I know he does leave sometimes."
Buffy soon came, and we chatted while Giles made coffee in the kitchen. The three of only come together in tragedy. Sortly Dawn appeared to see Xander. They kissed. I still had trouble accepting the whole Xander-Dawn thing. I don't think I ever saw them kiss before. For some reason I was surprised by it.
Apparently thorugh the small talk we tried to make, Xander and Buffy found out that they had a similar dream about Faith. I couldn't really tell what they were getting at. I just basically say there not saying anything. I really had no input on what was going on.
The oddly, Giles dropped the mugs of coffee he was getting for us. He seemed like a mess and a wreck. I could tell that something strange was going on, but said there wasn't, so I just left him alone.
We made small talk about school and stuff. This made me realize how I hadn't had an in-depth conversation about my or any of thier lives recently. I'm just so lost with everything that has been going on. Angel showed up later. I hadn't seen him in the longest time either. Not like we were that close, but it was kind of weird because he's my best friend's boyfriend.
Within the next few minutes, people started clearing out, so I decided I would too. I grabbed Xander's bag for him, said bye to everyone,
I was sad leaving my friends... though I really wanted to be alone.
Oz and I had a great date at the movies the other night. We saw an old classic, "Young Frankenstien." Oz is so cute because he was so cheap. He made sure to pay for me, but only could afford the cheapest movie offered. I didn't really watch most of the movie - my heart was just fluttering the whole time and I had to pay attention to how often I was breathing. After the movie was over he insisted that he treat me to ice-cream as well. He was so adorable. I don't think I stopped staring at him the entire night.
Later when he drove me home, he was all gentlemenly and walked me to my door. Then he pulled in an gave me my first kiss. It was amazing. I've never felt so much joy and terror at the same time. Oz is so cute and perfect. I have no idea why he would like someone like me. I am so giddy and cannot stop thinking about him. I actually have forgotten about Xander. He can date Anya all he wants! I could care less.
Besides Oz, I have been spending a lot of time with Buffy's sister Dawn. It's very weird and cool that I get to babysit for one of my friend's sisters. I really hope that Dawn doesn't think that I don't see her as a friend just because I'm friends with Buffy. I try to treat Dawn as an equal, because that's how I believe everyone should be equal. I told her I'd take her shopping so she could buy some clothes. Her mom's been busy with the art gallery and Buffy refuses to take her. I think I'll surprise her and buy her something nice. Dawn's been seeing a little too depressed for a 10-year-old.
Buffy told me that there is another slayer in town. I'm still confused about how there can be two slayers... I've just comprehended the one slayer thing. Faith seems a bit wild, but tough... I could feel safe with her. I think she is going to be enrolling at Sunnydale High. It's good to know we have two slayers protecting us.
Looks like the usual bronzing with Xander and Buffy tonight.
I've been realizing what a bad friend I am. Ever since Buffy told me that human Oz actually murdered someone, I withdrew myself from the world. I can't bring myself to talk to Oz, and I haven't been with my friends for a while. It really hit me the other day when I got a call from Giles.
When I heard the phone ring, I was in the middle of a good book, but I put it down, mildly aggrivated, and picked up the phone. "Hello?" "Willow? It's Giles." "Oh, Giles? What's going on?" Giles never usually called me. I wondered what was up. "Have you - ah - talked to Buffy recently? About Xander?" "No, I really haven't been around lately. What's happened to Xander?" "He was - ah - abducted by Faith a couple of nights ago." "Oh my gosh... Is he alright?!!! Abducted?? As in she did things to him?" "He's fine, Willow. Buffy distracted Faith so I could get him out, and he's at my place for the time being, seeing as it ought to be considerably quieter, and easier for him to rest here."
I was so glad that Xander was alright. It killed me to hear this. My best friend was kidnapped and recovered without me even knowing about. I really have to stop loathing in self-pity. I rushed over to Giles' place right away. I needed to see Xander. I hurried to Giles' front door. I started knocking vigorously. I was so worried about him. Since when was Faith evil? Giles answered the door and I went ran up the stairs to Xander and hugged him.
Xander looked at me and said, "I'm a little beat up, but I'll be okay. If it weren't for Giles, I wouldn't be here. Oh and Buffy did the punching thing with Faith to distract Faith so Giles could get me out of the hotel room where she had me."
I looked down. I had been so distracted lately that I didn't even know what was going on with my best friend. I took Xander's hand. "Xand, I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you. I promise to be around more often." The guilt was just penetrating through me. How could I let this happen to Xander?
"It's not your fault Wills, psycho girl just went a little nuts. She brushed up against me and I saw some bad things that she did and she figured it out."
I then asked to see his battle scars. He showed me where bandages were on his legs, chest, and arms. "She tried to make mince meat pie of me, and didn't succeed. Thanks to Giles and Buff."
Thanks to Giles and Buff. No 'thanks to Will.' I wasn't there. Did he still consider me a friend? I smiled. At least he was alright.
I forgot Xander could read my mind. He said, "I'm sure Giles would have called you if there was time when it happened Wills. Don't think like that. You'll always be my best pal. I have missed you though."
Xander then got a little on the sleepy side. I could tell he wanted to get some rest. "Alright. I'll let you be. If you need anything, please feel free to call me." I kissed Xander on the head.
When I went downstairs, Giles asked me, "Can I get you a cup of tea, or anything?"
It panged me, but I really had to get going. "Thanks for the offer, Giles, but I probably should get going." I had so much studying and homework to catch up on. "We'll do it another time, I promise."
"I hope so," He said. 'Please come and see Xander again soon" and then he added the most painful words of all, " if you can find the time."
"I'll be sure to find the time. I really miss Xander, and you as well. I miss the meetings we used to have." I hugged Giles goodbye and left wishing I had tried to be closer to my friends this school year.
Sigh. My insides are tearing up. I miss my friends. I wish I were a better friend. Why am I so depressed all the time?
I still can't believe it. She was so nice. So good. She always took good care of us. I felt closer to her than my own mom. Buffy hasn't been holding up well. I'm trying to help her in anyway I can... especially with taking care of Dawn. I offered for Dawn to come stay with me for a bit to get away from everything. She's going to ask Buffy and get back to me later.
The past few days I have spent over at Oz's place. I just really needed someone to comfort me. Both Buffy and Xander were devastated from the whole experience and I knew that Oz didn't know Mrs. Summers as well as the rest of us had. I just layed in his arms with his stoking me. After a while, Oz wanted to check on Buffy to see how she was doing. I told him it was best he be with her since it was her mom.
It's just weird how one person can be with you and then the next second be gone.
Tonight was supposed to be a just a girl's night out with Buffy. I was over-whelmed and just needed to get away from taking care of Oz and the pressures of school. It just so happened that tonight was one of Buffy's few free nights. I called her up and we made plans to meet up at the Bronze.
I tried to pretend what Buffy told me didn't bother me. It panged at my heart as I was trying to forget and dance. Inside my heart was breaking... but my smile stayed on. I hoped to fool, deceive... but that's just what Oz was doing to me. I sensed secrets... even beyond what Buffy just told me. I thought things were patching up. On the outside everything looks great - like a complete romantic movie. The way we got back together, how I never left him in the hospital, how he lost his wolfy and how we got to make love under a full moon. On the inside... the Vercua thing still haunted me and now the life he took. Was it him? How can I ever know? Will I ever know?
scared
tired
frustrated
lonely
busy
amused
confused