Sooooo...what's the what? I started testosterone Nov. 25th Consult for Chest surgery was March 15th Name change finalized March 15th Hopeful date for surgery would be June 14th (after a Trans health conference)
So...in a few months, 6 mos to be exact...I will have finished my 2 year teaching commitment. What plans do I have afterward?
Well, I cannot stay in the classroom. I tried to concieve how I'd be able to at least do a 3rd year, but I just can't.
I would like to stay in education of course, but try other ways to bridge the gap. These are the things I've considered:
-Teaching a 3rd year at a KIPP/RISE/TEAM/UNCOMMON school. At these schools I figure there is more unity and support, and higher expectation for the kids/staff overall. I think maybe that would make it a better life. I believe that these schools cater to the student's school AND home life to try and bridge the gap, and that that focus gives students a better chance. Also, these schools usually have a high majority of kids that began their schooling in the charter, so the student and family has been invested for years.
- Finding some administrative role within education. It's too early for any admin role in the regular public school system. In most TFA affiliated systems I'm ripe for the picking I think.
- Finding a social work job. I think some where in this Journal so far I mentioned that I'm doing an MSW right now. I'm looking for jobs and there is one I have an interview for this week as a social worker in training at a school. I at least got through the first round i.e. application/resume. Hopefully, I get through the interview, then of course, the 3rd part and whew...hopefully I get it. It starts in Sept.
- Trying to save up enough money, and just go to a science masters program. I dont really like that option. That would negate my reasons for joining TFA in the first place. Obviously, I'm not getting what I need via science alone, or with science at the forefront. I don't know how getting an MS would help me help people. Not with the science I am interested in. I would go to WA or MA and do a 2 yr program. It would be free.... If I went to WA the school tuition is cheap enough that I would just take the loans instead of being a TA. It's 9k a year. And rent in town is about 3-500 per month. I could do that. Take classes and find a substitute teaching job? I don't know what subs get paid there...probably nothing. But if I could make say...even 300$ a week, that would pay my rent! I could take out a loan of 12k per year (heck I pay more than that for my MSW right now), and use it to pay tuition and help out with bills while I work.
What to do what to do.
I am thankful that I have options. I look at the opportunities I have an I'm like...dang. Out of all the randomness in my life I can create 3 different types of dynamic resumes that are completely indicative of real work. No exaggerations of importance. I'm going to continue building that.
Like, I'm going to apply to do a school volunteer thing at my MSW program. I can do focus group assessments with the potential to publish, or I could do workshop curriculum development. If I get picked as a volunteer I get inducted into a Professional Association of LGBTQ stuff. Plus school credits of some kind. Isn't that awesome?
In terms of school leadership what have I done in my near 2 years? Well, I have touched and effected the lives of many youth and adults. I have brought dynamic aquaria into my classrooms/school. I have mentored in a robotics club (volunteer). I am now teaching special needs classes voluntarily. I gave up 1 year of full time pay to STAY teaching (it wasn't pretty but I survived).
I am done. I think regardless of school I will not teach next year. I will try and find a job that can utilize what I have and want to give wholly. That allows me to grow mentally and academically, etc.
Sounds selfish? I tried. I just feel so ...stagnant. I know there are always 10million things to pay attn to at once in a classroom, but i want something else. I want to attack the problem where I REALLY see it happening.
If I am a social worker, and a good one...hopefully kids can get what they need in all aspects of their lives so they may finally be able to focus on content. Or at least no one can give the usual excuse (problems at home)
Am I cut out for monogamous relationships? I mean...i just want to love everyone. But I dont think its a good idea to be emotionally tied to so many people and only in a relationship with 1 person...not to mention the fact that you can't seem to remember that emotional connection to the person you're actually with.
What do I do about this? Is it just a case of 'the grass is/isnt always greener' or do I actually need to take a break from my current relationship?
I mean...I still love all the people I've loved since HS. and I've never dated any one of them. So technically its still pretty darn safe to pine over them.
I just want to be by myself actually.
Can't I just pine after a few women in my weird way and be alone for the rest of my life with cats and saltwater fish tanks?
what do you do when you appreciate and do feel the love from your significant other, but YOU just...aren't feeling being in a relationship. Everything from the other person is more or less okay, and you do love the person too, you just ...you're not sure if you still LIKE them. You have fondness and love, and you do care. But you don't feel anything other than that. Isnt there more than love and fondess and caring? Especially, if you also already feel like you're married?
Have you ever seen Girl Play? Look up info on it, here is a bit from netflix:Director Gabriel (Dom DeLuise) sets the stage for a real-life drama when he casts lesbians Robin (Robin Greenspan) and Lacie (Lacie Harmon) in his latest play. Robin is in a long-term relationship, and Lacie isn't ready to settle down, but as rehearsals continue the two seem to grow closer. Neither actress is sure about the other's intentions: Is it just acting, or are the vibes real? The truth comes out on opening night. Mink Stole also stars.
Both women are in relationships that have lost their fervor. The two eventually end up together. Its a good movie, and is representative of what I've been feeling for a bit of time now.
My cat is wicked needy...she's sitting there staring at me, wanting me to pet her. I thought only dogs did that. Them...and my GF...geez.
I'm going through some rough times I think. I think I'm depressed, I don't feel anything, I don't seem to care about general stuff, and I get no satisfaction from anything. That looks like depression right?
Anyway, I've been able to read 2 whole books this weekend! I also upgraded my tank to a 65 g, I will use the old tank to be a set up for my school.
I'm hoping to find another job, in addition to teaching of course. Just to give me something that I may find a thrill in. Something more to do in my life than just the school. I mean, being a teacher is a lot of work, but I need more. Something that occupies my mind more, not just my body.
I mean... I lesson plan, I teach, I have small conversations with my coworkers. But it's not giving me happiness. I thought it would though. To be able to do for others. The thing is...in one week, seeing 72 children a day...there are only a few bright spots. I have to fight through behavioral/attitude issues first and foremost, then I have to try and impart an education specific to science when most of the students don't even have a grip on math and english. Not only that...many of the students have education on the back burner. How can I get my children to see the light, when they have so much darkness to plow through?
Anyway, sometimes it seems like there is no end. I come home at like 4-5pm, then work for 2-3 more hours making sure the next class day, and the day after that is all set up. I have my paperwork to be copied, I graded all assignments, etc. But...how many assignments do I have to grade, how many students are actually going to show up, how many minutes will I have to spend trying to calm them down so we can even start the DO NOW, what will I do when some of the children continue to defy the behavioral system.
That is not what is to take up the majority of my time. They have these schools called TEAM academies. To me they seem like places to imprision the students bodies, then condition their minds, THEN teach them the subject. I don't want that either. So what if those students score higher on tests, go off to college at a higher percent. Those things are supposed to be options right? If you make a CHOICE to do those things, then to me, the outcome is more valuable than being brainwashed.
Hi there, I don't know what to say that isn't about TFA. So I'll put other stuff first and warn you.
Okay... Well, I'm on my way to being NAUI certified for SCUBA. I take private lessons down in Rye, NH.
I work full time as a CSR at a call center, whopping $8 an hour.
I volunteer at a horse rescue in Troy Maine (lastchanceranchmaine.org). It's nice. Right now its been so icy and cold that its not been altogether fun helping, but the horsies are nice. They take donations!!! (Non-profit org)
That concert I started for this semester is about a month away!! I've done lots of PR for it, hopefully it has a good turnout. That's something good to put in my resume.
I think I want to just apply for some other jobs that Im interested in just to see if they'd be interested. Is that mean? Like...all the work they may put into considering applicants, potentially picking me, then me saying no?
I'm graduating in less than 2 months.
My car wont start, I think its something with the spark plugs, and therefore an electrical issue. It rained/snowed here in a stormish way and water was all under the hood. I of course have no money, the money in the next paycheck goes to pay rent.
I went on a trip to canada during spring break. It was okay. Right now I wish I hadn't spent as much on it (spent about 300 I guess, but may get some of that back)
I did accept with TFA, declined an offer to attend Hampton University (it came like 4 days after I agreed for TFA, its a good school with nice folks in Virginia)
I still want to go to grad school though at least for a Masters. That is the highest I'd need for any of the work I'm even slightly interested in. Unfortunately, the TFA region I'm in does not have a grad school partnership where I can get in heavily reduced price. That was one of the benefits of TFA I really liked!
BTW, Most of this blog is for me to vent, to not keep my thoughts trapped in my head as much soo...if you don't want to hear me talk in circles check the next post :)
What do I want to do after TFA anyway? Its a 2 year obligation, that I signed up for, it's an awesome inititiative. My placement is High School...so far all of the good, cute and cuddly stuff I'm reading has to do with grade schoolers (-middleschool). I keep thinking that H.S. kids will try to kill me.... Does this mean that I have some bias some automatic ingrained negative feelings towards kids from poor neighborhoods, underscoring schools, etc? That I feel those kids are obviously going to be mostly trouble makers and dangerous? Argh, I watch too much t.v., and listen to many parents that are scared for their children (I mean there must be some truth/reason to why no one I know wants to have their children in public highschools, especially if its a school in a poorer neighborhood)
The TFA webstie says that of all of the poor kids that grad. H.S. half will do so with an avg. 8grd ability. How do I teach biology, life sciences if even a quarter of my class is under 8th grd ability??? There will be lab reports, short and long answer Q/A, less multiple choice, etc. Not to mention the fact that most schools don't integrate life sciences as a single subject until middle school which ENDS in 8th grd.
Sure, its a tentative placement...and actually the only subject I can teach! So...I am limited to middle-high school life sciences. My deg is in Biology with a minor in gender studies where all of the classes have scattered rubrics (philosophy, english, anthropology,his,etc)
Well, I've been trying to hold out until I posted another update but I have so much free time at night this week since my gf isn't here. I know that this semester is our last semester with close contact for the next 2years at least because I'm graduating this spring, but I really have appreciated time alone. I haven't had it much for a while. I know she says I don't have to spend all of my free time with her...but uhm when she says that I know that I have free will and everything, but I also know the consequences. My free time would result in her not feeling loved, or something.
Anywoo, the relationship is going well and hopefully it stays well while we are apart save for visiting each other on various breaks.
In other news, I was accepted into Teach for America with a placement for teaching High School Biology in Newark, NJ. That's about 15-25 min from NYC, but less expensive. Sure property taxes etc may be high but...I'm not a resident and do not plan on investing in NJ property. Rent ranges from 600-1100 for studios-1 bedroom instead of 900-1400 in NYC. The TFA website says that beginning teachers salary is about $44,000 so that is one step in saving towards my huge undergraduate loans.
I found out that TFA is no longer partnered with Seton Hall for the masters program, only the teacher certification program. That means I wont get a 25% discount in addition to two Americorps awards of $4,725 each. Thus making my contribution only 7-8k for the 2 year program. At first I was largely disappointed especially because TFA's website AND acceptance notification packet still states that the masters option is available. It does not specifically say anywhere that it is not available as an reduced price option.
Oh well, I figure that I'd try to do it anyway. A large part of my doing the TFA program instead of going straight into a biology program is that I'd still get a masters that I can use in a field I am interested in without spending huge sums. I can try for a teachers loan forgiveness program if I teach for at least 5 years. I mean I owe a lot and at least for 2 years I would get loan defference so that means 3 years of repaying myself then I can be eligible for up to 17k being cancelled!!
Thing is that the program is an additional 2 years outside of original certification (1 yr) and I'd have to pay the cost myself (minus the Americorp award). Which is essentially like paying for a masters in Biology. For example UMO'S graduate tuition is under 6k a year. Seton Hall is 21k for the entire program, a bit more expensive even with Americorp (it is a private Uni.)
Ok, what else... I'm still waiting to here back from NYCTF I hope they answer soon. I must accept/decline TFA by the 23rd (my due date, theirs is the 29th but they have a deadline as soon as the 26th so that's kind of weird but understandable).
The thing is even if NYCTF accepts me I probably wont accept them! Why? Well...I like nice people. TFA is extremely people friendly whereas NYCTF is extremely not. They both do great work though. Even though NYCTF caters only to NYC I know they have the same count or more applicants per enrollment season.
Also let's out weigh the pros and cons
TFA: NJ placement H.S. Bio 4,725K per year (2) Cheap rent (live alone) Summer institute 5 wks 1 wk orientation 2,300 for certification class Praxis II exams-$220 Certification-$250 Salary (accrd to TFA site: 44k) Gay friendly (has center and other things) NJ Aquarium (1 hr away from Newark where I could volunteer and gain exp for future jobs)
NYCTF: Not sure if accepted yet so no information Summer institute 7wks 2wks orientation No americorp award Exp. rent No info on cert costs Last/CST tests Not sure on cost Salary: 42k accrd to NYCTF site and NYCDE site Gay friendly (Village) Brnx Zoo, CI Aquarium Masters program cost to me:9k
See, doesn't TFA seem better?
Yes a lot does boil down to cost.
I get to do a great job in either location. An opportunity to move up in either location. Obtaining a masters I can teach in 2year colleges, obtain principal certification, go into management fields, etc. I would have relative exp. for many jobs that I am interested in. Thats why I felt even just applying for these positions was a good opportunity. Help yourself and others at the same time.
Honestly, it's hilarious. So many people told me to be a teacher while growing up. I always screwed up my face and said NO WAY, or something like that. Neat coincidence.
Hey, wow it feels like it has been a million and one years since I have updated here. I'm not up to much really. I am taking a semesters worth of courses at Shoals Marine Lab, co-owned by Cornell University and the University of New Hampshire. It is located 7 miles off of NH's shore- A 95 acre island named Appledore, in the Isle of Shoals.
Currently, I am in Research in Marine Biology, with Professor Dennis J. Taylor of Hiram College. My next courses are Biological Illustration, and then Marine Vertebrates with J.B. Heiser of Cornell University.
I also have 4 weeks worth of workstudy before and after my classes.
Everything finishes up there at SML for me on August 21st, after which I will head to the stores in NH, and purchase many 'necessary' items tax free. Then I will venture back to Unity, Maine where I of course attend Unity College. This will be hopefully my first and last semester as a senior at that institution. As long as all of my credits transfer from SML I will have well over the credit count needed to graduate, and of course as long as I pass Fall 06 courses at Unity.
I will probably just take the Spring 07 off, and apply for graduation in the Spring.
I do plan on taking GRE's at some point. I believe I intend to attend graduate school at some point as well for Science education and/or Marine Biology. Either way I believe teaching will always be apart of my career path.
So, what have I accomplished here at SML so far that is exciting? Well, I have finally learned how to swim. How? All by myself. I know that I need time and space to just work things out by myself. So, I went down to the swimming pool (natural swimming hole on the island coast) and after getting a snorkel mask and tube, went out to the dock with a life jacket and let myself float around, dunk my head, get used to everything. Then traveling around the dock while keeping one hand to trail docks edge, I became even more comfortable. Finally, I took off the life jacket, and after seeing positive results from 'free floating' face down without touching dock, and sans vest, I started propelling myself through the water. I was finally free! Just to be sure I swam back and forth through the shallow places, and the deep places in the pool. Isn't that awesome? I need to become Scuba certified if I want my undergraduate degree in Marine Biology from Unity. I'm one step closer now.
Right now I am taking precious time away from writing a final report for the RMB class here at SML. We've all been glued to our computers all day crunching stats, doing and writing irrefutable analyses, and then writing our papers. Tomorrow must be dedicated to further revision and then work on our presentations and any other work that we need to turn in.
I should get back to that now, and it was lovely updating here again. I'm not going to log off, but will intermittently return to relax.
Whoooaaaa, So another semester has ended. Another school year has been corrupted! What have things been like during the wind down time? Well, I think my grades should be ok. I mean it should be as follows
A American Empire A Folk Music A research Methods and Design A Oceanography B/C??? Biometry C Genetics...
Yes genetics sucks. if i had went and been tutored for the first and second hw assigns. i would have done waaay better. but only my scores on the last part of the semester were good.
My gf Anna, left today.
I'm going to go visit her around May 27th, then go up to my summer program at Shoals.
