Caught between me and my dreams

Hey Journal Friends, how are things?!

Everything is going great on my end, My husband and I are trying for another baby. Can you guys believe I finally got married?! Did I post pics? I cant remember so I guess I will!

I'm not dead just floating

You never know how much you truly care and want the best for your friends until you see them happy. I saw one of my close friends get married, as soon as I saw her in her dress I was so excited and wanted her day to be perfect, its like when you have good friends and they achive something you achieve it too lol

I thought planning our wedding would be fun. Nope I hate it

Would love to be able to make love to my fiance without feeling guilty or sad after.

Really didn't want to be alone last night everyone was too busy to come over. After awhile people stopped responding to my text or just didn't respond at all. So I finished my wine and watched lifetime. Today I feel empty, pray work flys

Wine helps me relax, helps me forget about my pain. I didn't cry for Ashtyn today, instead I looked away her pics and thought of what could have been. I really miss my baby girl.

My therapist wants me to start back writing in my journal,  daily.  I have an alarm set on my phone and I will write everyday.
You know the shitty thing about everything is the feeling that no one in your life gets you. People after awhile truly think you should be over your pain and really you aren't.  I cry at least twice a day for my daughter.   I feel like my body failed her and caused this pain. I feel like a killed her. She was healthy and growing and had to be born early because my body sucks. Not sure how people expect me to move on but they don't know this pain.  We I try to talk about what I feel now I'm getting short responses from friends like they no longer want to hear my sadness,  I know they have their lives and they can't stop them for me but it hurts my feelings when I'm talking to them and they change the subject.  My mom has been great during this. She has supported us through this and I'm amazed at her strength. 
I feel sorry for Grant,  his family are good people but very distant,  I know it hurts him.
My journal has always been my safe place,  it holds all my secrets,  I hope it helps. 

 

Not ready to go back to work since losing the baby. Just sucks to have to go back and listen to people bitch about their insurance while I'm dying inside :(

I hate my life today