Domain of a Lost One

 

My sister annoucned that she was pregenant with her second child about 5 months ago. She'd just found out when she told everyone, and she was excited to have a child with her new husband, even though they were not married at the time.

 

Well this afternoon she called me to let me know that she lost her baby. She sound as though she were trying to do the strong big sister thing by trying to hold herself together, but I could hear the pain in her voice. It has not effected me well since I heard, and the more I think about, the worse I feel.

 

To expalin, in a little more detail. I am the youngest of four, I have two sisters, and one brother, and we were born in girl boy order.  The sister that I am speaking of was the younger of my two sisters, she is only three years older than I am, and  all throughout our childhood, we were the closest of our siblings. One of my earliest memories was back in grade school. I was in Kindergarden and she was in 2nd grade. A fifth grade bully kept trying to put her in a garbage can, so I protected her by kicking the bully where it hurts. His crying attracted the attention of a teacher who took him to the principal after finding out what had been going on. I was her hero.

 

Then there was the time when i was in fourth grade, She would walk me to my bus stop, and one day one of the older kids on the bus started picking on me, and she stood up for me. Granted at the same bust stop she asked a girl out for me, because she thought i liked her. The girl smacked right across the face and called me a coward for having my sister ask me out. While I did have a crush on her, I was to young to know what asking someone out meant.

That is how our relationship had been ever since. We looked out for each other, supporting each other as we needed, or defending each other when the occation would arrise.

 

My older sister went througvh a similar situation a couple years back now. And when she lost her third child before it was born that was when I started questioning my faith.  My older sister had wanted a girl more than anything. She had to boys and she wanted to have just one girl. When that girl was still born, it destroyed her, and her relationship with her husband. And I questioned how any being, higher or not, could take the life of a child before they even had a chance to take a breath, to cause that much pain to a single person who would have given that little girl everything, and then full taunt that person by giving her sister and then her brother each a baby girl..

 

And what I hated the most about that moment in my life,was the knowledge that there was nothing I could do to make things better. I was just there, watching as my sister fell apart, I was there as my sister waited beyond hope to see if there was some mistake, if there would be a miracle. And I could only watch as my sister's heart broke the day she gave birth to child that would never take a breath. I took me some time to realize why she named that little girl "Faith".

 

In the end, i am back in that situation, only worse. I live nearly 2 thousand miles away now. And I cannot even be there even just to sit on the side lines in an attempt to offer support when she needs.

 

I;m sorry for such a long rambling post, but I need to get it off my chest.

If you didn't know a lady came into my work about a month ago, asking questions and wondering if I wanted a new job. I told that I would think about, and well I called her today. Hopefully it will go somewhere. Ace has become a dead horse, and I need to jump off before the flies pick it clean

My eye lids are heavy
My stance is not steady
I am oh so ready

My eyes weep
as I ache for sleep
that is good and deep
With no need to count sheep

My thoughts soon drift
to bed so swift
While my head is hard to lift

I begin to list and lean
Is that surface clean?
Who the heck is dean?
That thing has a nice sheen...

I"M AWAKE!
It;s coffee I need to make
I doubt that is all it will take
To stay awake.

That stuff makes me piss a lake,..
Man, I could use some cake...
Is that clown's name Jake?
She gives me a  shake

I SWEAR I'M AWAKE

I can only frown
as I wonder what happened
                                        .... to the clown

I am in that place that I get when things just seem to go fucking nuts around me. I want to take someone by the shoulders, put my face so close to theirs that our noses nearly touch, and then I want to scream with all the might I can muster at them about how worthless they are. The problem is, right now there are so many that just absolutely needs this treatment, and I don't have the energy nor the spine to follow through with it.

At home, or whatever it's suppsed to be, there is this guy that pretends to look up to the heavens above, but all that he really sees is a fucking mirror. That guy in his reflection is what is important to him. He belittles his wife, his daughter, and his granddaughter. And he is just pushing them so goddamn hard that one day they are not going to look back.  I can recognize a person at their limits. I've been there, I know what it looks like. I see it all over this place. Keep pushing, man, so that you can spend more time with that man in the mirror.

At work, there are so many funcking idiots, and the customers are just a small part. It has been three years since I've had a raise, and the one time that I asked for one, I swear he had to fight back the laughter. I also have a coworker that feels the need to move the things that I am working on when I am not there. I would love to give this prick the challenge that I face: resetting a store on my own, in such a manner that will allow more merchandise to fit in the given space than  it should. I have another two coworkers that are supposed to listen to me, that don't, except when they feel like complaining about doing the work they were highered for. And then  they get pissed when I cut their hours.

And then there are so many troubles that pop up and I just cannot do anything to make things better. I come in at the end of the major events after all the damage is done, and I end up having thsi absolutely horrible feeling of being greatly useless. And I must say, when i feel this way, I feel like climbing into a toilet where all hunks of shit belong.


One Step Away
By NB

One step away
From frustration absolute. 
One stap away
From anger so acute

One step away
From walking out that door
One step away
From yelling even more

Don't push any harder
This is your only warning
Don;t push any harder
You may not wake in the morning

Don't push any harder
My violence will be unbound
Don't push any harder
You simply won'tbe found

One step away
From senseless violence
One step away
From breaking my silence

 

Term six is now over for me. I walked away with three Bs. I feel that I could have done better, but I got what I deserved. Term seven will bring me Advanced Drawing and Perspective, Literature and Film, and Introduction to Psychology. Wish me luck on those in January!

My brother is home as of either today or yesterday. He called me to day and gave me some info. It was an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm, and I am thinking that it was high on his abdomen as it was also supposed to be close to his heart. In anycase, his doctor's are saying that he can go back to work, although he is not allowed to lift anything over 50lbs. Also, if the aneurysm gets worse, they will put a stint in. He told me that if it does get worse, they are going to I different hospital to get a second opinion.

For now, he is home.

I hate playing the waiting game. I found out Thanksgiving morning that my brother was in the hospital. Well, not just the hsopital, he was in the Intensive Care Unit. What induced his stay in his local ICU, you ask. He has an abdominal aortic aneurysm, that is apparently not to far from his heart. And I have heard not much else. They were going to perform more tests, but I don't know if they have had any breakthroughs, or any news at all.

This is the game that hate. waiting to know anything.

I ahve found more images from my second term!!!




This was the first project that I completed in my Photoshop class! we needed to take a car, and fit it into another scene. Sure, that van looks huge,but it was my first time using photoshop!


In this one, I had to create a landscape of my own design. The mountains, stary sky, and planets are all seperate elemets.

During my second term, I was taking a class on Photoshop. Behind the cut are some of the images that I created for that class.

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