WAP: Shiny!

Obviously, it's KG and Lance Bass's fault that I actually found this and typed it up. Sadly, it'll never fit where it was supposed to, so I'm throwing it out there to survive or die by itself.

ALSO, it's dead wrong for none of you damned people to be around the one time I'm half capable of writing WAP. I *will* finish this story. I WILL.


*


Izzy and Cassie ruin the entire Rocky Horror Picture Show, because the only reason Izzy hasn't done it better than Tim Curry is that no one could do it better than Tim Curry, but he's certainly, it appears, done it better than the guy on the stage. Cassie has only ever done Brad, and Rick suspects she doesn't actually remember the production all that well, but Cassie enjoys stirring up shit. And Izzy, Rick thinks, not with a small amount of vengeance, is only too willing to be stirred. For someone who chose to jump around and sing for a living, he really takes acting too seriously.

So they spend the entire show being pelted with popcorn by their crew, seated one and two rows behind them, and even though Rick is in no way part of the running commentary – he'd have thrown popcorn too, but Cassie's right by him and he's afraid – he somehow ends up with more popcorn in his hair than either one of them. Turning back at some point to bare his teeth at people, he realizes his seat is a clear sight's distance away from St. John's, and thinks he understands why.

"Would you shut *up*," Alex says, exasperated, as Izzy and Cassie bring up fond memories during the humping scene. "Nobody cares. There's Seventies porn going on."

"If that's your standard on Seventies porn, I'm –" Cassie says, but then a popcorn kernel finally finds its true path and hits her right on the nose; the front lines are getting tired too. "Hey!"

"You know, it's one thing when only the people you're paying are shooting at you," Rick says. "At least you can hope they won't wait for you outside. Shut up already."

I was totally feeling nostalgic tonight! Also, I found this:

US Magazine: So, is there anything really different about the new Wap!, as compared to the band you used to be?

Alexandra: Well, obviously the musical arrangements have been changed a bit, and we've played around with some of the choreography, since we're not quite as strong as we used to be--

Rick: speak for yourself!

Cassie [interrupting]: No, no, don't let them fool you. It's a nightmare sharing a bathroom with four other girls. nightmare.

I guess we all really know what they're going through...

because I'm not allowed to spend loads of time online, I spend loads of time making icons instead.

Suffer!

Um, I mean, ( Collapse )

Because all the best stories start from the end.



At two AM, rather suddenly, they broke his door down.

Rick stared at him, red-faced. On top of his head, Jana's current Obscure Rodent form somehow managed to produce an impressively angry-cat-like hiss. Behind his back, Cassie's current sleep-deprived, haunted-looking, puffy-eyed form produced much the same sound. Izzy was probably still asleep.

"You're not a girl anymore," Rick screamed, complete with manic rolling eyes and some foam at the mouth. A too-wild head toss almost dislodged Jana. "You're not a girl! Stop trying to hit that fucking note!"

Alex stared at them for a moment, silent. Then he broke into hysterical tears.

Izzy looks really *dumb* in floppy hats. Rick has always thought so.

"Are they still there?" Alex asks.

Cassie sneaks a furtive look behind her. they're sitting by the cafe's outter wall, just to the left of the window, so a furtive look really means she leans all the way to the left while maintaining a death grip on Jana's chair with her right hand to stop herself from falling over. "Yeah. I'm telling you, though, they don't have the paparazzi look. And I think they're making out."

"Famous tactic," Alex says darkly.

It's hard to sound dark while chewing on a cream cheeze bagel, but then, Rick reflects, Alex is very accomplished in general. Izzy, from below the floppy hat, looks at him in obvious agreement.

"We're in the smallest town known to man," Cassie says. "We wouldn't even be sitting here if Morric thought there'd be any chance of reporters to see your hangover faces. What do you think, he was counting on Rick's 70's pimp sun glasses and that stupid ass hat?"

Rick and Izzy glare at her in tandem.

"They could have followed us," Alex says, calmly demolishing his bagel.

"You know, yay for journalistic integrity and all that, but I wouldn't come into this town for less than, I don't know, the promise of Jana topless."

"And yet, here you are," Alex mutters.

"There's no nudity in my contract," Jana says.

"You're the one who was wondering why people make such a big deal about it," Rick says. "Think about the fans. They may not get Cassie's lyrics, but I'm pretty sure they want her to stay in the band."

Izzy scratches his head underneath the hat. "She could just wait outside the town limits, couldn't she? She wouldn't have to actually leave."

Cassie leans back with uncharacteristic annoyance. "You guys are even more bizarre than usual on morning afters, you know that?"

"I just wish we'd trashed the motel room," Izzy says. He sounds, scarily enough, entirely sincere, and slightly dreamy, like he's talking about seventeenth century Indian art.

"Yeah," Cassie says. "The one thing I wished for all through my childhood was for a bunch of drunk pop stars to have engine trouble in my town and trash a motel room or two while they waited."

"You know, I'm fairly sure that actually *happens* in Pittsburg," Rick tells her.

"God knows why." Cassie shudders. "*I* wouldn't go back there even if you included topless Jana. The only reason I even find myself there at all is that I'm afraid of my mom, and I can't imagine that's a problem for so many other drunk pop stars. She doesn't know that many people."

Alex taps his plate, apparently considering this. "I don't find it that hard to believe that people who don't know your mom are afraid of her, Cass."

Cassie smiles proudly.

Jana nudges her. "Are they still there?"

Cassie leans all the way over again. When she straightens up, she looks pained. "They're walking towards us, and if they're more than a year out of ninth grade, I'll eat another bagel."

Jana, who knows just as well as the rest of them how many bagels exactly Cassie had eaten and how many bagels ago she had started threatening that if they didn't get out of there she was going to throw up (obviously hoping to weasel her way out of the *somebody*-has-to-eat-at-all-times rotation they've had going, since they're wusses and none of them can take dirty looks from waitresses), wisely inches her chair away. "You don't have to."

Alex sighs. "Fine, fine. You know they hire kids these days, don't you?" He raises his hands at the look Cassie gives him, either because Cassie does a pretty good waitress imitation or because his chair's not that far away from her, either. "I said fine! We'll make a break for it. Anybody who feels too exposed hide behind Izzy's hat."

This is the kind of thing I usually justify by saying, ‘so I was online, and… uhm… everyone I know is insane.’ Sadly, not so this time. I was at work, I was bored, due to the continuous fucking failure of the serial killer story I had WAP on the mind, and there is no possible justification.

Last week when I saw The Butterfly Effect, a movie about going back in time to try to fix things and failing, I had a horrible urge to write a story beginning with, The last time Alex went back was after Jana killed herself. He knew now that it wasn’t enough; this time, he’d have to stop the group ever being formed. For some strange reason, I gave that up. This week, though, I saw Bend It Like Beckham, and there was absolutely no outlet to my obsession but this.


“And then she says –“

“—‘But why did she take Jesminder’s *shoes*?”

“Exactly, and of course they’re all –“

“But why the hell is that funny?”

“Well, obviously – it – I can’t explain it.”

“It’s all about tone and timing and all that.”

“Yeah, like that weird show you have.”

“I have no weird shows.”

“Alex, you have more weird shows than anyone on the planet.”

“In a band with *her*?”

“Cassie has weird DVD packs.”

“That’s right. While you, my friend, have cheap genes –“

“— And less obsessive tendencies –“

“—Yeah, *right* -- and have weird TV shows.”

“You’re both freaks.”

“No, I think we’ve just established that *you*’re both freaks. I just watch the nice movies.”

“Rick –“

“No, leave it alone, it’d take all day.”

“Jonathan Rhys Myers was hot, too.”

“Yeah.”

“Jonathan Rhys Myers *is* hot, I’ll give you that.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t he go out with Izzy once?”

“Why do you have to say that about every single movie we see? Half the time it’s not even true.”

“I –“

“No, he’s right. Wasn’t it Jana that dated Jonathan Rhys Myers?”

“Jana? Isn’t he, like, ten years older than she is?”

“Great, are we going to beat up Jonathan Rhys Myers?”

“I think you’re supposed to say it with an E.”

“I’ll be sure to say it right while we beat him up.”

“Oh, and! It had that girl Kiera Knightly, too.”

“…Didn’t she go out with Izzy once?”

“No, that was Johnny Depp. We’ve been *over* this.”

“Right.”

“That’s the last time I try to tell you about a movie.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re just weak willed. Don’t worry, Alex, I’ll keep you informed.”

“…Great.”

Rick: "You what?"
Jana: *shrug* "Accidentally slept with a call girl." *turns into a turtle*
Rick: "How could anyone _accidentally sleep with a.."
Alex: "It's Jana, man."
Rick: "But.."
Alex: *pats*
Rick: "I don't understand.."

In a tear-filled interview this morning, WAP's Izzy Wesson confessed that he had, in his past, "Accidentally slept with a Spice Girl." "People don't usually admit to things like that," the alternative meta pop mega star told me. "But I felt the fans deserved to know. I had to own up to it; it was the only way I could cleanse myself."

"I don't know what he's making such a big deal about," band mate Rick Orliver says. "I used to like the Spice Girls."

In unrelated news, official sources say the grouo might be looking into acquiring two new singers. Tge reason for this change has not been made clear.

Ahem. Me and Sascha have created 'Wappies', the stuffed doll just like your favourite wappers! Collect them all!

dolls meant for external use. Do not consume or place in various orifices.

First series: It's Gay Wedding Alex and Rick, kids!

Izzy stared.

Jana mewed and finished her gnawing.

"...should I be concerned that she just ate my head?" said Izzy.

"It's just a doll."

"She dragged that one and that one only out and savaged it!"

"mew!"

"Don't give me that! You're still bitter about the taser, aren't you? Lying...cat!"

Jana calmly clawed the doll's groin.

thissugarcane: c'mon, bitch! write for me!
Saschaian: ...Now you're scaring me.
Saschaian: *grins*
thissugarcane: *giggle*
Saschaian: "Dude!" Alex exclaimed, staring at something in the newspaper. "Dude!" he said again.
Saschaian: Izzy stopped bouncing the ball on the ceiling and gave him a curious look. "What, sweets?"
Saschaian: "Boyband!" Alex looked up from the newspaper. "Boyband!"
Saschaian: "Which one?" Rick wandered in, munching popcorn and absently kicking a racooned Jana out of his way.
thissugarcane: ahahahahaa!!!
Saschaian: "Us!" Alex waved the newspaper around like a crazy person, or, like Alex when he was upset. "US!"
Saschaian: "He's lost it," Cassie said solemnly, not glancing up from her Angel fanmag.
Saschaian: "US!" Alex repeated, throwing the newspaper at Iz who caught it with a yelp. "Boyband! Us!"
thissugarcane: oh, Alex.
Saschaian: "Read the newspaper, Iz," Rick suggested, before going back to trying to catch popcorn with his mouth after throwing them in the air. "Might explain it. Or there could be a picture of rhinos in tutus."
Saschaian: Alex stopped waving his arms around long enough to stare at Rick. "You're so weird." He started waving his arms around again. "BOYBAND! I have never been more insulted in my life!"
thissugarcane: RICK is weird?
thissugarcane: dude, so pot/kettle.
Saschaian: Iz flipped through the newspaper. "No rhinos, freakboy, but there's a review of the concert we had last night.." he trailed off, reading, then he jumped out of the couch, joining Alex in the arm waving. "BOYBAND! What the fuck?!"
thissugarcane: Boyband~
thissugarcane: Ahahahaha.
thissugarcane: Cassie would like being called a boy, I bet.
Saschaian: Cassie looked up finally, interested. "You mean they're calling us a boyband? Really?"
Saschaian: Alex stared at her, suspicious.
thissugarcane: heee!
Saschaian: "That's so cool!" Cassie beamed.
thissugarcane: heee!
Saschaian: and now I'm took fucking distracted by millions of blinking windows to go on.
Saschaian: sorry. *smoochies'
thissugarcane: okay.
thissugarcane: at least cassie said cool!
thissugarcane: that was the best part.
Saschaian: *grins*