Oop? [poink]

Hey, so, it's been a long time. I just figured I'd leave a brief update for anyone coming in to see if I'm still alive (answer: yes) and what's up with me.

Updates are below the cut, but be forewarned that there's some heavier mental health shit there. If you don't think you can handle it, that's fine. We probably haven't talked in ages. See the above re: my current existence (reminder: I am alive. Heart beating. Neurons firing. Et cetera.) and take peace in that, then keep your own health in mind.

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There seems to be an issue with my employer's online portal that is fucking up only my schedule. I have repeatedly resubmitted my schedule - six in the morning to eleven at night every day except Thursday, sometimes with a startong time of five on weekends - only to have it eventually reset itself to a five to eleven schedule, except four thirty to eleven on Thursdays.

The result is rescheduling appointments, since I can't really afford to just drop hours. So now my therapist appointment for this Thursday is happening at the end of the month instead.

And wouldn't you know, I suddenly feel like I really need to talk to her. I have a situation I don't know how to deal with at all that is driving me fucking crazy.

Once again I'm sitting here wishing I was less of a total fuck-up so I could live somewhere where I'm not a burden, and where I could feel some modicum of control. It might not be freedom from the constant anxiety, but at least I wouldn't feel guilty all the time.

Of course, that involves both getting a better job - and how the hell can I convince anyone to hire me? - and learning to drive, and just thinking about that makes me scared shitless.

AND right now I am fucking depressed about the life I have lead. I'm not lonely, not really, but the chances of me ever having a family of my own are looking increasingly slim.

And I wish people around me would stop asking questions they don't really want answers to. I used to pride myself on not lying and now I do it way too often, because telling the truth is just too exhausting.

I also realized today that I am pretty much always angrier at other people than they are at me. I'm pretty good at placating people I'm furious with, but really shitty at getting them to ever care that I'm angry or want ti compromise or fix problems. I feel like all I ever do is give up and then resent people for it. I have basically no backbone. I think it ultimately comes back to the control thing, and how my life hinges so much on making other people not want to get rid of me - in my life, my home, everything. And it makes me a dull person, too.

I'm a boring leech and I'm scared of everything. I wish I hadn't rescheduled that appointment, but I need to keep my vacation hours for my brother's wedding. That's definitely the only thing I feel I have to look forward to right now.

There is a Tumblr I found recently that I wish I had had on hand a few years ago, when I was having an argument about why feminism is necessary with an old classmate.

Shit People Say to Women Directors & Other Women in Film

See, I had it pretty decent, on a personal level, at Tisch, where I studied with this guy. I had a lot of female classmates, a good number of female teachers (two sound teachers, three writing teachers including a comedy teacher, a few teachers of general film terminology, criticism, and concepts, et cetera), and supportive male classmates who never reduced my abilities to my gender. Which is great! It really is! I never had anyone tell me I couldn't do this or that in film because it was a man's job, even when I did poorly at comedy or couldn't lift something. I even had one teacher take a moment to celebrate a female director's success as a notable step for women in film, and in that same class I had classmates examining gender roles in their works and not being questioned on it. Even my own sloppy role reversal work never got criticised for the role reversal part.

But I knew that was a good space. I knew, even then, that in the professional world things were different. Women are vastly under-represented in a lot of areas of film, particularly in writing, directing, and producing - and that's behind the scenes.

The problem was that without my own easy-to-identify experiences, it was hard to get people to take me seriously when I brought up things like this. Hell, it probably would have been plenty hard even with my own experiences, since it's easy for people to dismiss an individual woman's stories of misogyny as overreacting or some other bullshit.

So this blog, even though it is a depressing window into what many women in the industry face, is awesome. It gives MANY women a voice and holds a mirror up to the world of film. It's harder for people to deny this many experiences, and it can chase away that "but maybe I AM overreacting" feeling.

It's weirdly heartening, and it could have been so easy to point to it and go, THIS. This thing, right here, is why we need feminism, even just in our own field.

But successes! They exist. Orphan Black continues to be awesome and feminist even with the addition of more male characters; Pitch Perfect 2 was a great low-impact, feel-good comedy all about women (sometimes explicitly about women in the context if feminism, sometimes just about women as people), directed by Elizabeth Banks, whose website is pretty great and feminist itself; iZombie features a great female lead with her femaleness affecting but not defining her story; female motherfucking Ghostbusters and even the men involved in them mocking the assholes who have a problem with the very concept of that.

There are good things happening. I have to hope for more.

You ever feel like the things you've believed in all your life have just become too tiring to speak about? I feel that way a LOT lately about feminism. It's not that I don't believe in it, it's that it shapes and bleeds into a lot of what I think about, and yet I have to edit and censor it so heavily when talking to other people it actually feels like it takes a physical toll.

It's tiring when there are so many inter-feminist arguments about how feminism should be handled, down to nitpicking details, that it feels like nothing can get done and all that we can universally agree on is that problems exist.

It's tiring when you have family members casually criticising women's bodies in a broad and uncomfortable way, but if you say anything about it they accuse you of just trying to start a fight.

It's tiring when you have friends who don't seem to realize how critical they are of women and how forgiving they are of men, and you don't know how to point it out without alienating them. Or when your friends make blanket statements about gender that have value implications and you realize they don't even recognize that they're putting YOU with the "bad" group.

It's tiring when issues about gender cross into other issues and it STILL feels like women are being pushed to the bottom rung. It's tiring when you realize that this doesn't seem to happen when discussing issues that don't cross with feminism. Everyone else gets to be the loudest in their own space, but women take a back seat in feminism if they don't have something to add besides their womanhood. It's tiring because you realize that it's important to be inclusive, but it so often comes around to feeling not so much different from misogyny.

[And now I'm going to get specific.]So there's this discussion on FFA that's about how it's exclusive and alienating for any woman to talk about vaginas in terms of their womanhood or femininity. How it's so much more inclusive to say "woman" (or apparently make direct reference to femininity or I guess call yourself a babe or something). People are quibbling about it being off topic and calling it ignorant to imply that there's any connection at all between biological sex and gender.

It's not even a phrase I would ever think to use myself ("hand in my vagina card"). People are saying it makes them feel dysphoric, and I believe them. But it makes a lot of women who, for better or worse, have had their gender identity societally shaped by their body once again feel like it's not their own to discuss. And the best some can offer is "I'm sorry it makes you feel like your identity and body are being policed, but you're a cis woman and there are plenty of places you can go to talk about tour vagina".

Except there aren't? No, really. Because the conversation as a whole condemned that in any context if you connect it to womanhood. And even in practice, I don't exactly have a lot of places at my disposal where I can casually refer to my vagina without people being grossed out, even if the conversation has allowed for discussion of penises. Hell, even if breasts come up! And being allowed to talk about it doesn't mean we're implying that it's universal, any more than talking about any other experience many women face. When women talk periods*, they aren't excluding trans women any more than they're excluding pre- or post-menopausal women or any other women who don't have periods. It's actually truly important, and not on a Tumblr-esque "THIS IS SO IMPORTANT" kind of way, for women to be allowed to talk about these things without getting shut down constantly for not being totally, completely, one hundred percent explicitly inclusive of every type of woman to exist.

Talking about women driving in countries where it's illegal doesn't imply that the existence of women, in those countries or elsewhere, who have disabilities that prevent them from driving are lesser. Talking about experiences in the film industry that effect women doesn't invalidate the experiences of working class women. Talking about a woman's choice to have children doesn't make that woman more important than women who are childfree, and vice versa. Referring to your breasts as a part of your body, your femininty, your female experience, your womanhood, and how you are perceived as female does NOT imply that women without breasts are nkt female.

I feel like this comes from the same attitude that causes many women to wholeheartedly reject feminism: the attitude that because they live a socially acceptable feminine lifestyle and are not bothered personally by whatever misogyny may be in their lives, no one should be, because everyone should think of THEIR experience first and feel the same way they do.

I don't feel that way. Even about this issue. I want trans women, black women, disabled women, religious women, and all kinds of women to be able to think of and discuss their own experiences, gender, and bodies without constantly being reminded of how they have to filter it for all other women first.

It's especially frustrating because this particular discussion ALWAYS falls on women. I guess it doesn't have as much opportunity to fall on men, but it stands out a lot as a result because no one even seems to bring it up. No one says men have to stop talking about their dicks because they might alienate transmen if they define their manhood that way. Fuck, no one is even openly critical of the fact that "manhood" is common and accepted slang for dicks. No one expects men to accommodate. And women have to pick up the slack on both sides, protecting men with vaginas and women without them.

It is so, so tiring. And it's not like I don't think there are more ways female-oriented spaces can be inclusive, but I hate this word policing and how misogyny gets put on the backburner over and over again.

But it's almost not worth arguing about. It's just so fucking exhausting. I am literally physically tired from this. It makes me feel like this shit isn't worth it. Sure, let's let other people determine how I talk about my gender, my body, my experiences. Let's stop caring, self. Let's give up and give in.

In a lot of ways I have. I let other people do the talking. Outside of this mostly dead blog I talk more about racism and LGBT rights, even though neither affect me directly. I don't even feel like it's worth examining my own position with my gender and sexuality sometimes. I get too much anxiety about how other people would judge me or find me unworthy.

*which, yes, is a wholly separate discussion from vaginas. Truthfully, vaginas in the specific almost never come up in period talks.



...my next post is going to be a more positive discussion of feminism in media, to make up for this feelingspew.

Okay. So. I'm an asshole. (I said that already, right?)

Long story short: I thought about my last post, and yes, nine out of ten things I said there were FUCKING STUPID. I'm an asshole, I'm wrong, and I'm sorry.

I mean, I still stand by my position that it's unfair to say the trans consultant on Transparent is the "wrong" kind of trans. I could sort of understand if they were disappointed because it was a nonbinary, or even AFAB, trans person and they wanted more focus specifically on the main trans character's life — I wouldn't necessarily agree, but I could understand. I could also understand if the complaint was about her not being involved enough (being a consultant instead of an actual writer). I just don't think it's right to say that because she transitioned in a different environment, she's the wrong person to choose. It's limiting, it's offensive to the wrong people, and it sends a bad message. For whatever other fuckups the people working on Transparent may have made, actually getting a trans person to improve those issues is NOT one of them, especially not when the complaint is that she's too well-known.

That still bothers me. I don't know. Maybe there's another way to read that complaint, but I'm struggling to find any possible interpretation that doesn't make me angry. That doesn't excuse the rest of my stupid screed, but the rest of my stupid screed also doesn't excuse that.

I'm not going to delete it, because I was a fucking idiot and I don't really deserve to pretend it didn't happen. I just... might not ever look at it again. You are free to tell me how stupid I am for it in the comments to this post, though.

(Unrelated, but I am constantly baffled by this new LJ layout. It's not nonintuitive, it's... more that the last one was, and so I still expect it to be that way? How long has it been this way? Clearly I don't get on LJ often enough anymore.)

I find this Mary Sue article really disheartening for a number of reasons. I haven't even watched much of Transparent (I think I got to episode three? I agree with a lot of commenters about the kids being hard to watch), but the implications of a lot of this for someone who wants to be an ally come across as less... I don't know how to put it. Less critical, I guess, and more possessive.

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Here's how behind I am on my TV watching: back in May (May, it's September now you guys) I recorded two episodes of a show I happened to scroll past, knowing nothing about it except what the one-line episode summary was for those two episodes. Just now, as I was going through my list of recorded shows and trying to slim it down, I ran across it way down at the bottom again. I thought I'd watch a few minutes just to determine if it would be worth saving to watch at a later time, or if I could delete it without remorse.

So now I've already fallen madly in love with Please Like Me. My only other experience with Australian television was the pilot of Wilfred, the original version of which was so surreal it was impossible to absorb, kind of like DEBS in a way (although I could, and did, absorb DEBS, at least to the extent that I watched, understood, and on some level enjoyed the whole thing; I did not attempt to watch another episode of the original Wilfred series). I definitely feel like there is an Australia-sized hole in my television viewing experience now, which is a problem, because I have so many other shows to watch still (Brooklyn 99! Parks and Rec! Orange is the New Black! Friday Night Dinner! Help me, I'm drowning in television!)

I know I'm going to gorge myself on this series now. It's got this feel like if The Inbetweeners was actually really sweet and sometimes sad (aside from that one time ### got his dog put down). I'm also pretty sure there's no way for this show to bite me in this ass; at worst it might get slightly disappointing and I'll lose interest. This is very good news to me right now.

Okay, this is a stupid thing to get frustrated over, but I am anyway:

I am tired of seeing people say that anyone who names their child Ariana/Arianna must be a racist. The fact that the amount of times I've seen this amounts anything over one is astonishing. At this point I have to assume they're either trolling, being willfully ignorant (it's not an uncommon name), and/or pronouncing it or Aryan incorrectly. I'm at the point of wanting to ask them if they also think the titular character from The Little Mermaid is a racist, or if her father is — or any other name that starts with A-R-I.

I know people just generally tend to be fucking judgmental idiots about names, but the "you must be a racist" thing is just above and beyond that.

EDIT: And now I've passed Go, collected my two hundred dollars, and have found myself loving a name the more other people are vitriolically against it. I suppose it's just as well, because I really love the name Thessalonike...

This started with me just looking up names for characters, man.

So it turns out my Kindle has this voice recording thing that transcribes what you say
Does it pretty accurately so I'm not editing this at all that probably means we'll have no punctuation Anneli 1N her but Chano I'm just gonna leave it as is because it amuses me so

Okay I guess it's not as I can talk Fritze record which is kind of you're doing but make sense can't go on for too long on some interesting typos in there/errors/whatever don't know how Ranelli got in there or one and Chano Sprazzo to separate things though interesting

[Out of it got the/in there but it came with Sprazzo what is Sprazzo okay so maybe I just need to say. Enter

I have to speak my punctuation! Oh my god. That is ridiculous.

I guess that means I can talk about my period? I have to call my "time of the month "…

How does it or?!?!?! I think I mispronouncing in their Soakimi interesting to see how that turns out this is really weird and super cool I'm having a lot of fun night now

Alright, I'm going to try and make this somewhat coherent now by speaking very clearly and saying my punctuation when necessary. Let's see how this turns out. I'm a little annoyed it makes alright into one word. Also I'm not skipping I'm too
's now for new recordings. That should be kind of obvious. That was mines not's don't know what happened there. Website forgot my punctuation. No, lines not mines. I've I feel like I am arguing with my Kindle now. Also old brick like I'm giving someone a telegraph message to send via Morse code. No, Alittle like … Why did it make a little into one word? It's really hard to remember to do" like this. Whoops. I am talking fairly slowly and not normally at all so let's see how it goes when I do talk in my normal tone somewhat normal anyway. That went pretty well except for how I've got to do the punctuation again.

So this probably won't be fun for anyone to read except me but I am having a blast. I guess I should've been! I'm getting used to saying. At the end of every sentence. Shoot I Creeklea Meskada I just can't laugh when I'm talking to this thing that was supposed to say" I really messed that up".

This could be super useful for taking notes I'll have to remember that the functions available. Although I wish there was someway to easily save text things on my Kindle…

I probably sound like an idiot to anyone who is listening to this. And I guess I should go to bed.

So that's it then I guess. The end!!!

I am so close to just being done with any and all internet communities that focus on actual conversation. I'm so sick of 99% of the crap on FFA right now, but, you know, pretty much everywhere else is just as full of it.

So I guess I'm looking for somewhere where I don't have to talk to anybody or read anybody else's thoughts. Just pictures, videos, and fiction, with no room for responses.