Daniel Sterman

(To the tune of The Prophecy Hotline by Kari Maaren)

Thank you for calling the Prophecy Hotline
Please listen closely, our menu has changed
Press 1 if your prophet's a gibbering idiot
2 if they're slightly deranged
Press 3 if a sane man's arrived on your doorstep
with warnings that you could have guessed by yourself
Press 4 if your prophecy's found in a ledger
that's centuries sat on a (beep)

You have chosen the gibbering idiot,
ingtalk wardsback dream or crazy old nun
For help with deciphering cryptic pronouncements
please hold on the line or press 1
Press 2 if your prophecy sounds so straightforward
that trusting it blindly would just be insane
Press 3 for a riddle or 4 for a metaphor
5 if those both sound the (beep)

You have chosen the straightforward prophecy
Press 1 for peace or press 2 for a war
Press 3 if it sounds like nobody can kill you
If someone *will* kill you press (beep)

You have chosen invulnerability
Press 1 to use it to dethrone the king
Press 2 if (beep)

You have chosen to murder your monarch
And frankly you chose it so fast we're concerned
But whatever, we aren't here to pass judgment
Enjoy all the power you've earned.
Press 1 if against all the odds your nobility
holds out for decades and everyone's thrilled
Press 2 if it takes people less than an hour
to send someone to have you (beep)

You have chosen the hero's appearance
Which sooner or later our callers all choose
Press 1 if you think that the prophecy means
there's no way you could possibly lose
Press 2 if you're worried there might be a loophole
Or 3 if you're certain that you won't survive
Press 4 if you'd rather just abdicate peacefully
To call the guards out, press (beep)

You have chosen to look for a loophole
And gosh, it's a doozy, so be glad you did
No man born of woman can kill you, so press 1
If it's not a man but a kid
Press 2 for a woman, press 3 for a robot,
Press 4 for a hobbit, an elf, or a grue
Press 5 if your foe's mother's gynecological
records are unknown to (beep)

You have chosen to battle a seemingly
minor opponent of non-human race
Press 1 if you think you should take the threat ser-yus-ly,
2 just to laugh in their (beep)

(pause, look surprised and at a loss for words)

We'll be honest, we never expected
a caller to take o-ur warnings to heart.
Your fate was supposed to be "death by exception",
in which fate you wanted no part.
The Prophecy Hotline commends you for having
the foresight to keep yourself from getting killed
Please hold while the prophet that works in Accounting
Predicts how much you will be b(dial tone)

(Lyrics copyright 2016 by Daniel Sterman)

To the tune of "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten.

It's a zombie
Moving slowly
Just walk faster
It's not scary
And it's a vampire
Who's trying to bite you
If you simply don't let it
Then it can't even fight you

But I don't sparkle in the day
I don't need to eat your brain
or your blood, don't need that much
I can kill you with a touch

This is my wight song
Give you a fright song
I'll drain your life song
My volume's turned up
Starting right now I'll be known
You'll hear my wight song
And before it is done you all will have heard of me
And then one day I might get my own movie

Horror films are losing their way
People don't scare easy today
Genre decay
Genre decay
The same old ghosts
and zombies too
It's time your undead was someone new
No more cliches
No more cliches

'Cause I don't sparkle in the day
I don't need to eat your brain
or your blood, don't need that much
I can kill you with a touch

This is my wight song
Give you a fright song
I'll drain your life song
My volume's turned up
Starting right now I'll be known
You'll hear my wight song
And before it is done you all will have heard of me
And then one day I might get my own movie
I might get my own movie

It's a zombie
Moving slowly
Just walk faster
It's not scary
And it's a vampire
Who's trying to bite you
If you simply don't let it
Then it can't even fight you

This is my wight song
Give you a fright song
I'll drain your life song
My volume's turned up
Starting right now I'll be known
You'll hear my wight song
And before it is done you all will have heard of me
And then one day I might get my own movie
(For god's sake, guys, I know I'm in D&D.)

Lyrics copyright 2015 by Daniel Sterman 

To the tune of "Popular" from the Broadway musical Wicked. This song really demands to be performed by a Borg Queen cosplayer wearing a tutu.

[Spoken]

Captain, now that you're here, we've decided to make you our newest crewman.

[Picard:] You really don't have to do that.

We know! That's what makes us so perfect.

[Sung]

Whenever we see someone with something that we'd like

And let's face it, who hasn't? Got something that we'd like

Our salivary implants start to drool

So I send over a bunch of cubes, inject them with our nanotubes

And that's the start of something really cool

And now the human race

Which is the strangest race we've had to face

Will one by one be joining o-ur crew

Starting with you

Oh yes, it's true

You

Will

Be

Come a drone

You're gonna become a drone

It’s gonna be really great when you ‘ssimilate into our collective voice

Oooh! We'll give you some bioware, maybe give you hair

You don't really have a choice

But to be a drone

You're gonna become a drone

And your biological

and technological

distinctiveness will join our own

So let's start the process of turning you into a drone

Don't be too worried 'bout your personality

Removing it is really o-ur speciality

So sit right back accepting the reality

Of your position

Because I know you're wishin'

That you didn't have to

Be a drone

But yes, you will be a drone

And without those other guys

On the Enterprise

Your chances of rescue have flown (they’re gone)

There’s no one who can save you

From becoming a new

Drone (...dron)

La la, la la… we’re gonna make you a Borg drone.

When we run into some creatures

Who've got really useful features

Just before hostilities begin

We tell them

“Lower shields, surrender ships and

don’t put up futile resistance.”

If they don’t heed the warning,

[Spoken, derisively] Of course we’ll win.

They end up as drones

Please, they always end up as drones

Because when it's that or die

Then your average guy

Would do well to try to be

An equal member of the Borg like we!

[Spoken]

Why, Captain Picard, look at you. You're beautiful.

[Picard:] I am Locutus of Borg.

You're welcome!

[Sung]

And now that we're through

With converting you

I know that soon

You'll be

Joined by a panorama

Of all your friends and fama-

ly

Oh!

La la la la

You'll become a drone

And learn how to think collectively!

Lyrics copyright 2015 by Daniel Sterman

(To the tune of "Let it go" from Frozen. On the subject of Americans learning to drive in Israel for the first time.)

There's no such thing as a right turn on red,
And each lane has its own light
The speed limit's not in miles
Though at least they drive on the right
But here the drivers drive much more aggressively
I've got to learn that too... hypothetically

Don't let them pass
Don't let them merge
Be assertive when our lanes converge
Just hit the gas
Don't go too slow!
...that was too slow...

Let them go, let them go!
It just isn't worth all the stress.
Let them go, let them go
It's much simpler to say yes.
I don't care!
Yeah, I've got all day!
You can cut me off
I'm not a hurry much anyway

It's funny how perspective
Makes ego trips so small
Shaving seconds off my driving
Isn't worth my life at all
But everybody in this state
Seems to believe they're running late
No right of way, no traffic laws
Just because

Let them go, let them go
There's no reason to join this fight
Let them go, let them go
I'll wait for the next light
Here I stand!
...and here I'll wait
You can just drive on...

Just caught the eye of the truck driver right beside
He wants to cut in front, he doesn't care if we collide
I've got to change this pattern, overcome my fear
...but I don't want to die, I'd rather still be here

Let them go, let them go
I would much rather stay alive
Let them go, let them go
I still know how to drive
Here I stand!
I have right of way!
But you just drive on....
I'm not in a hurry much anyway.

(Lyrics copyright 2014 by Daniel Sterman)

(Inspired by http://www.youtube.com/watch?featu…. Watch it first.)

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
The nuclear holocaust just ruined your whole day
And now your ragtag fleet is fleeing home
And you've pinned your hopes on some old legend that might not even show, while
they are hunting you (as you're jumping through space)
they'll be hunting you (till there's no human race)
they want to kill you (all except Kara Thrace)

To the tune of "Defying Gravity" from the Broadway musical Wicked. The two singers should use each other's real names when singing this.

Voice I
[spoken] [Voice II's name], why couldn't you have waited for one second,
before you fired off your pistol?!
[sung] I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy how you
shot President Lincoln
because you weren't thinkin'

Voice II
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy, too
Now that in World War II
Because you're such a screwup
The Nazis conquered Europe

BOTH
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy right now

Voice I
[spoken] [Voice II's name], listen to me. We'll just... try again.
[sung] We can still restore the timeline
To the way it was before
We can go back to where we came from

Voice II
[spoken] I know.
[sung, despairingly] But I can't do it -
[more assertively, as though in realization] No, I *won't* do it
Anymore.

I've changed my mind about things
I'm tired of this game
I'm through with working so hard
just so things remain the same
I'm done with stable time loops
And setting right what once went wrong
It's time to change things the way I
wanted all along

It's time to violate causality
I think I'll violate causality
And rearrange the past

Voice I
Are you completely deranged? You're
putting the timeline in danger

Voice II
I'm through accepting limits
'cause Chronos says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid that
Ripple effects just make things worse
Well, now I'm done
This time I'm writing my own 'verse

This time I'll violate causality
All in good time, I'll violate causality
And rearrange the past.
[spoken] [Voice I's name] - come with me. Think of what we could
do, together.

[sung] Unlimited
The future is unlimited
And the past will be what we will
want it to have been
If we
dare to up the ante

Voice I
and both go vigilante

BOTH
Reshape the world we're living in
If we just violate causality
We'll dare to violate causality

Voice II
We'll rearrange the past
[spoken] Well? Are you coming?

Voice I
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this

Voice II
[spoken] Me too.
[sung] I know it's dangerous

Voice I
So say goodbye in case you- [chokes off]

Voice II
[nodding, sadly] -accidentally erase you
I hope I'll see you once again

Voice I
I hope you're happy, my friend

Voice II
So if you care to find me
Look in a year gone by
They say the times are changing -
That's me stomping on a butterfly!
And if I kill my grandpa
At least this time it's me
Who made the decision
to change the course of history

This time it's I who'll violate causality
I'm gonna violate causality
And this time my changes will last.

And nobody in all of time
From my new Earth or from Earth Prime
Is ever gonna change my past

Voice I
I hope you're happy

Chorus
We must save the timeline
Get her

Voice II
Change the past

Chorus
Protecting the timeline
Means we've got to save the past

Lyrics copyright 2012 by Daniel Sterman

A translation of Jonathan Coulton's "Still Alive" into Hebrew. Note: I did not write this. I wish I did, because it's fantastic. I found it written anonymously on a forum some years ago, and decided to make minor corrections and improvements. My edits are in bold - some were because I had a better idea for a line, but most were in order to change male pronouns to female or neutral pronouns (evidently whoever wrote this wasn't aware that the protagonist of Portal, Chell, is female, or didn't care).


הצלחה מסחררת.
אני מדגישה: הישג כביר.
אני שבעת רצון ומסופקת.
"צמצם טכנולוגיות";
עושים ת'מוכרח
מתוך רצון.
לטובת הכלל מלבד
הנסיינים המתים.
אך אסור לבכות על כל שגיאה ושגיאה.
ממשיכים להשקיע עד לגמר העוגה.
הניסוי משתלם
והנשק מתקדם
עבור מי שנותר בחיים.

אני לא כועסת.
אני מרגישה מאוד כנה.
גם אם את לבי שברת ברצח
וגם אם זרקת לי
את כל השברים לתוך האש.
כאב לי כשבערתי כי
אני שמחה בשבילך!
נקודות הדאטה נרשמות במוקד.
ותכנית הבטא תסתיים במועד.
אז נשרפתי, נכון
אך למדנו כאן המון
עבור מי שנותר בחיים.

לכי לשלום.
אני מרגישה שטוב לי כאן.
אולי תמצאי עוד מי שיעזור לך.
אולי בבלק-מסה.
צחוקים אתך.
חה חה. עלק.
בכל מקרה, הנה עוגה
היא טעימה ופריכה.
אני מפטפטת כשצריכים לעבוד.
אני לא חולמת להחליף מקומות.
יש מחקר להשלים
ושרשרת ניסויים
על כל מי שנותר בחיים.
והאמיני, אני בחיים.
אני חוקרת, אני בחיים.
אני סבבה, אני בחיים.
כשתגססי עוד אהיה בחיים.
וכשתמותי אהיה בחיים.
בחיים,
בחיים

To the tune of "What is this Feeling?" from the Broadway musical Wicked. Ideally, this song should be introduced not as a song but as "a really awesome computer program" that, when opened, doesn't seem to work properly, bringing up errors and loading messages. These messges quickly converge until they are showing up in time with the beat and in line with what is being said. The performer sings the "User" portion while this is going on, and the computer portion of the song is actually sung by said program, using an autotuned Stephen Hawking voice.

USER:
There's some sort of problem, my computer's on the fritz
But of course I'll keep on waiting
And of course I'll keep my patience
For I know it will be worth it in the end, yes
There's some sort of problem for now my computer is
Unusually and exceedingly unresponsive and altogether quite impossible to operate.
Dead.

What is this message, so sudden and new?
It came the moment I double-clicked you
CPU dithers
My hard drive's churning
My patience withers
What is it doing?
Waiting's such a pain
Driving me insane
Yes...

Loading
This interminable loading
Patience going on imploding
Let's just say
It won't install
Every damn command, however small
Drags my CPU down to a crawl
It simply keeps on loading
And these lousy estimations,
Where minutes last for generations,
Always come out wrong.
Though at first I thought it would be fast,
Now it seems this screen was built to last
And it will be loading, loading here my whole life long

COMPUTER:
Oh dear user, if I really could
get through this faster, don't you think I would?
But my memory is going
and these warning lights are pinging
while my processor is slowing...
(USER: Well, then don't waste it on singing!)
Oh, dear user, please understand
I'm working just as fast as I can
But when the program's buggy, things don't go as planned

COMPUTER (USER):
But I'll keep loading (What is this message, so sudden and new?)
This interminable loading (It came the moment I double-clicked you)
Patience going on imploding (CPU dithers)
Let's just say (My hard drive's churning)
It won't install (God, what is it doing?!)
Every damn command, however small (Driving me insane)
Drags my CPU down to a crawl (Yes...)
Ahhhh


USER (COMPUTER):
Loading (Loading!)
There's these lousy estimations (Loading!)
Minutes last for generations (Loading!)
Why are they so wrong? (so wrong?)
Though at first I thought it would be fast,
Now it seems this screen was built to last
And it will be loading, (loading) for forever
Loading (loading), endless, painful
(Loading) Loading here (Loading here!)
My whole life long (Loading, this interminable loading)

COMPUTER:
Done!

User:
Yes!

Lyrics copyright 2010 by Daniel Sterman

To the tune of "My Beige Bear" by Jonathan Coulton. Inspired by GiantMicrobes.

Neuron sits inside my head
running all the time
Yeast cell rises in my bread
and ferments my wine
Erythrocyte has run into a hungry Salmonella
He doesn't really stand a chance

My white cells help me fight off my foes
My white cells keep me well and it shows
When I've got a stuffed nose
I reach out for my white cells

Black Death ravages Seville
In 1652
Mad Cow revels in the kill
And then lets out a moo
Erythrocyte is fleeing panicked from the Salmonella
Somebody better save him fast

My white cells help me fight off my foes
My white cells keep me well and it shows
When I've got a stuffed nose
I reach out for my white cells

White cells say that bacteria are everywhere
White cells say that viruses aren't my fans
White cells say that I should make sure to take good care
To wash my hands

Coli, so misunderstood
He makes Vitamin K
Bad breath never smelled too good
Scares everyone away
Erythrocyte has found a haven from the Salmonella
Penicillin's here at last

My white cells help me fight off my foes
My white cells keep me well and it shows
When I've got a stuffed nose
I reach out for my white cells


Lyrics copyright 2008 by Daniel Sterman

To the tune of the demo tape version of "The Future Soon" by Jonathan Coulton.

Last week I placed a bet on my best friend
I thought that he'd escape and have a good life
I cheered him on while watching from the dark
My other friends threw him into the shark tank
And I'm all alone while the battles rage
Having a tea party all by myself
But I think I might enjoy
The look of horror in their eyes
When I finally reveal myself and everyone dies

Cause I'm gonna leave the darkness soon
Yes, the day is in my sight
When I throw down my umbrella and I step into the light
I'm gonna leave the darkness soon
Because that's always been the plan
That someday I'll reveal myself and show the world just who I really am

I'll get to stop taking my supplements
That make up for my missing Vitamin D
I'll hold a picnic underneath the sun
And Xykon and his brothers all will come to
Play Scrabble with Redcloak and Right-Eye too
And Mr. Stiffly and Flopsy and me
And we'll sing songs round the campfire
And we'll make ourselves some smores
Because Xykon won't make me eat little kids anymore

Cause I'm gonna leave the darkness soon
Yes, the day is in my sight
When I throw down my umbrella and I step into the light
I'm gonna leave the darkness soon
Because that's always been the plan
That someday I'll reveal myself and show the world just who I really

Am I being scary
When I make this face... or how 'bout this?
You know, Xykon never explained to me
How to practice looking mean
If I can't even be seen

I kinda miss being a circus star
I had a box then but I stood in the light
But Xykon says that soon he'll let me free
And I ask you, now would he lie to me?
No, he wouldn't
Cause he told me that he's my friend
That's how I know that he's telling the truth
So I'll wait for my big moment
And I'll practice my big line
Cause I know that if I'm patient it's a matter of time

Cause I'm gonna leave the darkness soon
Yes, the day is in my sight
When I throw down my umbrella and I step into the light
I'm gonna leave the darkness soon
Because that's always been the plan
That someday I'll reveal myself and show the world just who I really am.

Lyrics copyright 2008 by Daniel Sterman