Exotically Ordinary

those two words are so similar, and at the same time, diametrically opposed in idea.  birth of one means death for the other...and there is no going back.

is there?

do you think once you see the 'man behind the curtain' in many instances, that it's hard to be blindly believing again?  i often feel this is the source of my sadness.   fear that i'll never be so simply pleased as to wake up in the morning like a child thinking i'm the first to greet the sun that day.  frustrated because my scream doesn't cause the sky to thunder like it did when i was 6.. 

i used to believe i could change the world long before i realized the futility of that endeavor.
 

i could be moved to believe again, universe...

i know you're out there somewhere...waiting for me to love you...adore you...take you in...comfort you...teach you...follow you...ravish you...complete you...engage you....challenge you...lay with you...rest with you...nest with you....be with you...always.


but not while i'm looking.  because these eyes always find what they want to see when they want to see it wherever it's convenient. 

i don't want a convenient love anymore.

i want something real.   something more like what is inside of me...

and even though i like the old me in these pages.. i feel almost like i'm decaying rather than changing.

i'm finding myself drawn to darker, colder things. i find them beautiful and stark. i'm actually looking forward to winter for the first time ever in my life. the dark months usually make me depressed and withdrawn, but i was almost excited tonight by seeing my breath in the cold, night air for the first time this season. i was talking with someone about Alaska recently..the cold, the northern lights..the long midnight months. i guess it's odd that i should want to experience that.

strange days indeed.

i'm full of all types of urges... i want to break it all down...and put the pieces back together in a totally different way.

there is more. i am not done

i think i've decided to stay on filter for a little bit because i like the intimacy or control of information. i like small sets of eyes for the time being.

i'm trying to find a way out of myself. thinking i should pick up my camera or even just write here again from time to time. it used to be such an intregal part of my day/week and now it's usually just an afterthought or, even more likely, is a series of typing and deleting.

heard a beautiful song today..i have no idea what it was about but it was kind of haunting in an old tale of yonder woods kind of wandering way. fleet foxes the band... i'm searching for the song title. (edit: Blue Ridge Mtns. figures.. )

my friend came over with her two kids and relaxed here after a fight with her boyfriend. i have lots of friends that have these chaotic lives hanging by a thread and for some odd reason they find my house or company settling- which is so ironic to me because i can't see how anyone doesn't see how fucked up and strange i feel inside. i think i just put on a good show of calmness because maybe it's what i want to be but it takes some effort most times. or maybe it's really there under the surface? waiting

my head is swimming in adrenaline. oil that makes the mind full speed ahead.

a good night for headphones.

today i was the lunch lady, how cool am i? only without the mole and hairnet....i've got more training to do i guess. actually, Hannah's school doesn't have a lunchroom per se, so on Thursdays, the different sports teams' parents volunteer to bring in items and serve the kids. fortunately it's a very small school, and fortunately, i was in a good mood :) they had spaghetti...easy and cheap. it also gave me a chance to spend some time with two of the moms of girls Hannah cheers with. (yes..i have a cheerleader daughter. i don't know how this happened, but she likes it so i'm going with it). they seemed to let me into their Mom clique so Y.A.Y for me. they were really very nice, and i'm glad to start getting to know more people at her school.

i am so glad i'm not a teenager anymore and anyone that wishes they were back in those days, must not have done it right. i know my ears are old when the average young person's conversation makes me want to dig my eardrums out and stomp on them. yes. i'm an old fart officially.

i also found out some info today on joining the Art Guild in our area. i was completely surprised there was such a thing here! but, this will give me an opportunity to meet other local artists (if i dare call myself one), and to exhibit some work at some point. even if it isn't some big time gallery event, it's still cool to know others see what i have done (besides you all of course).

btw, thank you all for taking your time in looking at my photos and offering advice. the sharing of your time is flattering. i realized i need to start being sure to actually NAME my photos, because somehow, talking about PX000023 nov/dec, is quite inconvenient. it's good to know that some of my favorites are among ones that were picked. i really hope to pick up some knowledge of the technical portion of using my camera, because i know my scope is limited with not understanding all that can be done with it. i have a "how to" book, but i've always been a hands on learner. perhaps being in the Art group will guide me to some that i can use.

and on a completely random tangent... one of my LJ friends posted a YouTube video with a couple doing some dance at their wedding reception that was apparently, and unfortunately, choreographed for the "entertainment" of their guests. there were a number of these types of videos posted to YouTube. i guess we can thank Dancing with the Stars for this latest trend in weddings. christ...what's wrong with just saying i do...giving me some cake and an open bar and just dancing like an idiot with the rest of us after we're all tanked?? do you seriously think i want to be forced to watch you guys perform some lame dance number to the accompaniment of really crappy late 80's music, especially when it's evident this is the first time you have danced where it includes more than just stepping side to side and shaking your ass? thankfully there are no weddings that i have to go to in my near future. it should also be noted that there was no sight of any black folks doing any of these "performances".. only really really white people with no souls.

((shakes head))

i'm just so bitter

thanks to those that linked to this site before.  i've never seen the V monologues..but her speech is moving (at least to me).  long..but worth the following.  i especially like the mental imagery about 8 mins into the speech.

i wish i had cameras implanted in my eyes...that way everything would come out exactly how my mind sees them.   and then i would want to share those things with you.

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no....not what you think.

today was wonderful.  Todd, the kids, dog, and i went to the beach at one of our many lakes here.  there is nothing more therapeutic than driving winding roads through walls of lush green and singing at the top of your lungs.  Joni Mitchell and Death Cab for Cutie...thanks for your voices.

i could have spent all day laying on a float looking up at the endless azure atmosphere...letting the water lap continuously at my legs and back.  good good therapy.

i also got some nice photos of some barns i hadn't noticed previously.  i'll post later.  (yes...i am a barn junkie)

you know, we all have got to get ourselves back to the garden :)

i've been doodling with markers and with photos.    i feel happy that i feel like being doodle-y.  

i'm drawing inside a card... i just haven't decided who to send it to yet.  i've been romanticizing the idea of sending and receiving letters.   anyone want to be pen pals?  practice a dying art-form??

seriously.  could be fun


pixelsrzen posts some thought provoking things for me recently.  (i don't think he'd mind if i shared the thought stream)  it's something that has occupied my mind and some conversations since i've read his description of an alter-ego or, rather, a what if i had done "A" instead of "B" scenario.  who would i be....  where would i have gone.... what would i be doing.   parallel universes and such.

my friend is also a buddhist, and while i don't claim any one particular religion, i do adhere to the importance of realizing how accepting reality removes much of our self-inflicted pain, and how inability to face reality as it is, causes us more suffering than a soul deserves.

i've spent a great deal of the past several years lamenting the loss of my alter-ego.  i miss her.    i'm not sure when she actually walked out the door - could have been when i first left home at 17, or when i quit college to welcome my daughter into the world.  maybe it was when i asked her father sperm-donor to grow up or get walking.....and he did.  and never turned back.  

i thought i caught a glimpse of her when i was the single mom trying to be both parents, but looking for "mr. right" just to be safe. she would never have been satisfied with settling for what i did at times.  by the time i remarried and gained three more kids, that carefree spirit of a woman was nothing but a faint memory.    

i don't want to spend any more time filled with regret over letting her leave.  maybe it's not so bad that the bitch is gone....   this woman that remains may be more than she ever could have been.   i think i'll spend some time gazing at the me that's really in the mirror instead of looking for the fantasy woman to come back.  it's time to stop seeing myself through the reflections in other's eyes to feel acceptance and love.  time to sprinkle some of that good-lovin' on my own self.

narcissistic?   perhaps.    but then there is a thin line between self-reflection and self-absorption...an even thinner one between reality and fantasy.  learn to walk the tightrope or trip on that gossamer thread.

i have a zillion other things floating in my skull...  

btw, daddies....happy father's day.  there are so many of you that i like and love :)   big shout out for the "Y" chromosome! 

**********

she thought about the lives of the authors, artists, and musicians whose music, words, and visions swirled in her head.

these lives weren't filled with glamour, although they have been dramatized that way. in those books, songs and pictures she found betrayal, breakdowns and blues. in those places she found her own life. nothing but the daily laundry.

she thought of her own little world and the life in it. the rest of the world got the best of him - the sugar and spice. she got the fights and the fucking.

she thought of how little she was offering also as she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.