Chaos' Intern

I'm changing schools again. I just couldn't handle the online schooling option. It was far too isolating. I need to talk to the other students, and hear the teacher. I need to get the fuck out of this house. And I need normal homework, and regular tests, and actual textbooks (I fucking hate eBooks right now). Basically, online school was the worst possible thing for me to try. When I wasn't going to Guild every Friday night, I went mad. This did the same thing. Last night, I was thinking somewhat suicidal thoughts, which was the biiiiiig indication that something was horribly wrong. The stress was just way too much. So, I'm going to try going to a real school.

I found this place in Lima (20 miles from my house). It's called Rhodes State College, and they have a two year degree to be an x-ray tech. I also decided that, if I couldn't handle the stress of online school, how the hell am I going to handle everybody else's stress? It just wouldn't work.

While it's not a degree in psychology, or English, or any of those other degrees that I thought would be fun, it will be interesting, and I'll be able to find a job much easier. I'm good with people, and I don't mind paperwork, and I like working with complicated machines that I actually understand. It'll be a TON less stressful, and it'll pay more than a mcjob. And hopefully, it won't drive me to the hospital, like a lot of my other jobs have. But then again, as I said, much less stressful. Yay.

So, yeah. I withdrew from Kaplan earlier today, and I have a campus tour scheduled for Rhodes in a little over two weeks from now. It'd be nice to have a real social life again. I mean, I know I go to WSU every Friday, and I know I occasionally hang with my lake crew, but I need socialization that isn't gaming, you know? Randomly going to a movie, or mallratting for the hell of it. Texts asking about next week's test, or just how I'm doing. Waving hi in the halls, maybe even a party or two. It'd be nice. The fact that I'm starting to tear up just thinking about it probably means that I needed it more than I thought.

Life is an adventure, and I learn everything by making the same mistakes over and over again. Here's hoping the third time's the charm. ^_^

So yeah, I finally got the answer from Ben to my "are we dating?" question. It was a no, a nice one, but still a no. I've been preparing myself for it since Saturday, so I didn't break down and cry (that was Saturday). Normally, I'd feel depressed right about, even though I'm used to getting turned by guys and girls by now. I guess all that prep work really worked. I feel proud of myself, actually.

Won a writing contest with one of my poems. Still don't know which one, because I haven't got the damn award letter yet (I was supposed to be 'notified' by the 31st, and it's a wee bit past that now >_< ). Wait, did I already brag about the contest already? I dunno. I may not be crying from the no, but I do feel kinda weak and tired.

I kinda didn't want another all-alone Valentine's Day. Guess I don't have much choice. Nobody around here would want to date me. Yeah, I guess I am a little depressed. It's allowed though, right?

I should be writing something of worth instead of an LJ entry. But my mom told me that the best way to get rid of writer's block is to write. I know that sounds contradictory, and it is a bit. Basically, if you can't write a piece of poetry, or you can't work on your novel, you get out a piece of paper and just write whatever. I figured my best whatever comes from my LJ, so here we are. Also, I wanted to show off one of my new icons. ^_^

I won a writing contest on Friday, and just found out about it today. I submitted five poems and a short story to the contest a few weeks back, and my therapist just told me today that I'd won something, that he'd seen it on one of the websites he'd been looking at that day. Turns out it was the Bellefontaine Examiner, and the article mentioned how my poem won first place, and that I wrote a great short story about drunk driving (it was more cautionary towards teen drinking, but I won't argue cuz they let me win). They didn't tell me which poem won yet (they haven't sent the $25 prize yet, either), but if you want, you can read the short story, Admit One, by clicking on that link. I think some of my poetry is on that account, too, so you can read it, too. If, you know, you actually want to read my stuff. I mean, I would be forever grateful, especially if you gave me reviews (review whore!!!!!!!!), but it's not required. I just like knowing people read and like my stuff. Hell, I'd even take a read and hate, cuz at least they read it.

To anybody who is within decent driving distance of me, I've got some books and magazines I'm giving away. Most of the books are mysteries, and there's one on blogging, and an Australia guide book, and an old English Literature textbook, and a few others. The magazines are old Wired magazines from '04 and '05. Good condition, all of it. Free, 100%, I just want them out of my bedroom. It'd be nice to not have to worry about breaking my toes, hitting those magazines again.

I had coffee today, can you tell?

It's looking like my mom and I are going to get YMCA memberships within the next week or so. It's only about 15 minutes from our house, so we can go a lot. Also, the fitness classes and the exercise room are both included in the monthly membership. When I went to the one in Springfield as a kid, the only stuff you got without buying the extra membership was the jogging track, the basketball court, and the swimming pool. I can't wait to start exercising. I'm hoping getting up and getting moving will help me have more energy. And I plan to lose as much weight as I can while I'm there. I wanna drop below 200. I haven't been below 200 since middle school, possibly before. I WANT TO BE SKINNY! Mostly for the hot guys and the clothes shopping. But also for the fact that I could walk up stairs without getting winded, so I can play my favorite game again (Dance Dance Revolution). I have so many reasons to lose weight that I oughta be able to motivate myself a bit extra. Maybe if I got one of my 1x tshirts out of the shed and hung it up on my wall as motivation? Eh, whatever.

It's coming up on my birthday in April, so it's time to pay the nice people at the license bureau for tags. I'm thinking of getting this one special tag that has a kitty on it. It says "Cat Friendly" underneath, too. Isn't that so cute? It'd only cost me $25 more per (purr) year, and $15 of that goes towards charities that help animals. Sounds like a good deal, right? And it's soooooooooo cute. It looks a little bit like Bindi when she was a kitten. Maybe that's why I want it so bad?

I'm really thirsty now, So I think I'll go find something to drink. If you want, you can join me. ^_^

So, tonight was the next session of LARP, and I think I did a teensy bit better. I still barely talked, in character and out, but I wasn't as afraid, I think. It always worries me when I get shy, cuz I almost never get shy. >_< I think I'm going to make a new character for the next session, though. I'm playing a multiple personality Malk, and the one personality is timid and out of touch, and the other personality is over protective, but still as out of touch as the main personality. Great idea for a story, not so fun to play. -_-; So I'm gonna pull out an idea I've wanted to do for years: vampire fangirl turned vampire. She was way into stuff like Interview With A Vampire and Buffy The Vampire Slayer and such, then finds out they're real! It'd be fun to play, and easier, too. I'm also gonna have her have been a gamer geek, because games are another genre ripe with vampires. Video games, horror novels, movies, tv shows, if it had a good vampire, she was there (meaning NOT Twilight). Mostly, I just want a character who's less afraid to crack jokes and ask questions.

Talked to Nikkichan tonight (via texting, but still). I MISS HER SO MUCH! Hell, I miss a lot of my friends that I don't see anymore. I miss Nikkichan, as I said, I miss Aaron and Tyra (we used to have so much stupid fun together), I miss Scott, I miss Rich, I miss Brad and Britanni (though not as badly, cuz I just waved to Brad a few hours ago, and saw Britanni back in October), I miss Karyn, I miss Whitney, I miss pretty much everybody that was on VertigoMB, I miss Tim and Sheena, I miss Ashley, I miss Jen, I miss way too many peoples. I guess I should just accept that people come and go from your life, but those I listed, plus others, I just want to cling to them for dear life.

I cleaned my room the other day. I know where stuff is now, mostly. I still have a few boxes full of books, and a couple others boxes full of other stuff out in the shed, but for now, my room is mostly clean.

No news on the romance front. I'm just gonna give him whatever time he needs. If he doesn't want me, I completely understand. Basically, everything's on him, and his choice, goes. Quite a bit different from my usual M.O., but hey, different can be good sometimes, right?

Yeah, I'mma go bed now. Tired. Very, very tired. ZzzzZzzzzzZzzzz.......

So, my bipolar has been kicking my ass lately. I fucked up in school because of it, and I think I'm about to be temporarily kicked out for a year. >_< But I hope they do, because I need that time to get my act together. I need to get my pills straight, and work on my mental faults, I need to get up before the sun goes down on a daily basis, and I need to exercise to get more energy instead of chugging Coke Zero like it's going out of style. I need to read more, and write more, and play with my Xbox and computer more (to make them worth the cost). Yeah, I need to do a LOT of stuff. I'm not even sure if 1 year is enough. That's a lot of time being spent doing a lot of things. Oh, I almost forgot, I want to finish my blanket. I've been working on it since 7th grade. -_-;

I've decided to read up on my disorders. Right now, I have a book about Borderline, and memoir of a girl with Bipolar. I plan on going online next month (I spent all my money this month at GameStop) and finding more books to read on the subject. It's time I knew exactly what was going on in my head. And it'd be nice to be able to better explain what I have to people that actually give a shit. I'm so very considerate. ^_^

Went on a date on Friday. Was awesome. Very awesome. I hope we have another date soon. For those of you who are completely lost, which is most of you, that crush I had that I mentioned in my last entry was on my friend Ben. Well, the Friday before last, I finally got up the nerve to ask him out, and he said yes! Isn't that great? ^_^ Anyway, we went out last Friday. We were gonna eat Japanese and go bowling, but the Japanese place took too long, so we skipped bowling and went to GameStop instead (which is where I got Lisa, my new Xbox 360). We mostly did a lot of talking, and I learned that he is so damn interesting. He knows all this stuff, completely random stuff that has me at the edge of my seat half the time. I could talk with him for hours. We don't have a definite date scheduled for our second yet, but we were thinking about watching a movie at his place (he hasn't seen Battle Royale!), which would be cool cuz he has a soft'n'comfy bed.

Now, to my Xbox! I love her, I love her, I love her! Even though I've only had her since Friday. I got an extra controller and three games when I bought her. I got Soul Calibur IV, Fallout 3, and Dragon Age: Origins. I haven't played Dragon Age yet, but I adore the other two. Even though they both killed me dead. -_-; Gotta get used to that damn controller. Two joysticks? That's madness! But yeah, I'm gonna try and get better. Got a long way to go, but at least I have my own console to use now (thank you to Slone, who let me game on her Xbox 360 up until now).

Another thing that I bought that has brought much geeky happiness into my life as of late is a butt ton of yaoi. I bought nine different mangas from Yaoi Club, this yaoi website that I found. It's pretty cool. I got all nine from the clearance section, and the $13 mangas were $4 each. Spiff, no? I also bought the last two volumes of Eerie Queerie from a user on Half.com. So much tasty, tasty boy/boy love! *is a happy little fangirl* Though a few that I bought have bits reminiscent of hentai. Oh well, all for the cause of boy/boy love.

So yeah, I haven't touched this LJ in almost 6 months. For those who actually give a shit, I apologize. A lot of good/bad stuff has happened since then. I'll try to remember it all. And I'll try to remember to update this thing more often. It makes for a great catharsis.

If you read my last post, you'd know that I didn't get into Wright State cuz they're fucking ass holes, the whole lot of 'em. Me, bitter? Noooooooo. But I really wanted a college degree and a future that didn't involve Welfare, so I found another college that actually let me in. It's called Kaplan University, it's an online college (so my mom doesn't have to be alone). You guys may have seen their commercials on TV. Well, it's going pretty well so far. I might fail a class this term, but I'm going to try my hardest not to.

On a medical note, my damn pills aren't working. I've been depressed for a few weeks now, no energy, no motivation, all that stuff. >_< I'm going to call on Monday and get refills for everything, see if that helps any. It should. I still need to see my shrink, though. Ugh, I hate being crazy.

In happier news (for me, at least), I have yet another crush. Surprising, no? Heh heh heh. Anyway, I've had a thing for him since I met him, but I thought it was just because I was desperate (I get that way when I'm single, many sexual misadventures came out of that feeling). Turns out it's the real deal. The crush, I mean. I haven't asked him out. I kept whining about wishing he'd ask me out on Facebook, in hopes that he'd read it, figure out it was him, and then ask me out, but as with most of my great plans, it failed miserably. He didn't even mention it. >_< I think I'll ask him out in a few days, after I start to feel better. He's probably going to say no (most of 'em do), but it's worth a shot, right? I just hope it doesn't screw up our friendship, cuz he's cool and I don't want to lose him. He's fun to talk to and hang out with. I'd miss that. :(

In yet more news, I lent out my writing to a friend for him to read and tell me what he thinks. I gave him the screen play, the novels, the short stories, the poetry, and all the less-shitty fanfiction even. Gods, I can't wait to find out what he thinks. As you all probably know by now, I am an absolute review whore. Remember years back, when I used to beg in here for you guys to read and review my stories on FF.N? Good times, good times. Anyway, he lent me his novel, which rocked, but there was only a little bit of it. Must force him to write more. Very soon. It was that good.

That's all I can remember for now, so buh-bye. *waves happily* Oh, and check out my new Karen Gillan icon. That's an Amy Pond figure she's messing with. *waits for the "playing with herself" jokes to pour in*

Read the title. Okay, now, reasonings behind title. Can't go back to Wright State. Not as an actual student, that is. I owe too much money. I think the one lady in the Bursar who told me that I could go back did the same fucking thing the guy in Financial Aid did when I asked if I could drop that class and still stay at Wright State: didn't read the rest of the fucking page! Seriously, Wright State employees, when giving you advice that will effect your college career and your entire future, are told to not read the part of the computer screen that tells you the answer to the question. I've been fucked over twice that way!

Add that to the fact that I got a $115 tickect for expired tags, and a lovely trip to the emergency room last week, and you're starting to scrape the surface. Trust me, I am not in a good mood right now.

I'm losing friends to people that don't deserve them. Friends that I've had for upwards of nine years, even. They completely drop me to go play with him. Fuck.

I just, I feel terrible. It feels like I don't have much of anything left at this point. I didn't have much before, and now I have even less. The universe is shitting on me, that's the only explanation.

At least I have some friends left, it seems. Some of the guys at Guild, my friend Slone, a few assorted others. Thanks, you guys (though most of you don't read/know about this blog).

So, I found out Thursday that I got back into Wright State. I found out Friday that my appeal to the financial department went through, and I can now receive money for school. I'm calling Monday to get my classes scheduled. My application for housing is turned in, and my $150 prepayment is paid. In other words... I'M IN! I'M GOING BACK!!!!!! MY DREAM CAME TRUE!!!! SIX YEARS, OF STRUGGLING, FIGHTING, WORKING, DOING EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO GET BACK!!!! AND NOW I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy that I could cry. I have a future, finally.

It sucks, but here you go. I was trying to capture how good college has been to me. One of the reasons I wanna go back so badly.

College
She’d never fit in
Not even with herself
She’d had friends, yes
But none like her
College
That’s where you go
To become the person
You know you were meant to be
She’d watched from the outside
For so very long
Until she jumped right in
And friends found her
All in college
Find yourself
Find others
Meant to be

I've been so sleepy lately. My psychiatrist thinks it's cuz I'm sleeping too much, but that seems hard to believe. How can you sleep too much? Ruining my perfectly good dreams with science and facts and such. >_<

Been playing Cooking Mama on Facebook obsessively the last few days. It's so much fun. And it's easy, so I can actually do it. Yays, go me!

Free Comic Book Day was on Saturday, and I bought a few comics to go along with my free ones. I've read all but one of the free ones, and let me just say, I have the makings of a comic book geek. I'm thinking of swinging by Bookery on Friday (the comic book/gaming store in Fairborn, which is right near Wright State), and picking up some comics. I'd like to start reading Thor, and Iron Man, and this one called The Stuff Of Legends. And get some Doctor Who comics cuz I'm way too obsessed with that show. Might look into some other comic series while I'm there. Maybe even Spiderman and X-Men. Booyah, more geek cred!

Might not be able to go back to Wright State in the fall. I missed a payment, so that puts me back a few months. *sighs* I'll get back eventually. Right? I'm scared that I'll never be able to go back to college. I know it's the only way I can ever get a real job, cuz I've got no skills otherwise. Fuck all. I just want to go to school, why is that so hard?