Making the Most Beautiful Patchwork Quilt from Lucky Scraps

My friends are fucken GREAT.

You know what I missed out on this year?

Discounted Easter eggs.

To my dear darling wonderful gorgeous precious fabulous friends,

I'm sorry I missed all your birthdays recently. I really did want to take you all up on your invitations and go to your parties and drink all your keg beer, but I couldn't tell you so because I didn't have any credit on my phone, so I couldn't SMS you or anything. And I couldn't get more credit because, firstly, I was/am broke, and secondly, I was mostly in bed feeling sick. Wasn't sure exactly what was wrong until Friday just gone (19th May) when the blood test results came back saying YOU HAVE GLANDULAR FEVER AND IT'S DAMAGED YOUR LIVER SO YOU CAN'T GO OUT DRINKING WITH YOUR MATES ANYMORE.

Thanks for your understanding guys.

Laters,

Lil

---

Dear uni,

Hi, look, this assignment that's due today... I know I really should have contacted you guys about it a lot earlier than this, and I guess apologising won't really help, but the reason I haven't done it is because I have been constantly sick for some weeks now, and I also haven't had access to the resources I require to complete the assignment. Normally I would ask for an extension - in this case, of perhaps 2 weeks - but I think that will only cause more problems further down the track as the due dates for other assignments draw nearer. And this is particularly problematic as prac placements commence in about 3 weeks, so I would be finishing these assignments while on prac, so that not only will they take longer still to complete (since I'll be busy 9am-5am already), but I will be on prac illegitimately because a number of these assignments form the assessment for a unit which is a prerequisite to going on prac.

So what I'm thinking about doing is withdrawing on medical grounds if I can (don't worry, I have heaps of documentation from my GP), which would mean throwing in the towel on the whole Bachelor of Social Work course because there's no way I could face taking these units for a third time. Twice was hard enough. Last year and this year I've felt like I keep getting every red light -- I've wanted to push on with the academic programme but there's been some reason why I haven't been able to. So what I might do if I can't go on prac this year is change what I'm studying from social work to anthropology and look at getting a job as an applied anthropologist -- from what the job guide has to say it sounds like something I want to do. I mean, I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with the social work course, and I enjoy anthrop and I'm good at it and there's an appealing job at the end of it, so why not.

Regards,

Lyrian Evans

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Dear universe,

I think it'd be a good idea for you to plant some extra reminders here and there that our lives are fragile, at the whim of chaos, and that they could be completely changed forever in an instant. Maybe you could put up some billboards saying things like, "Your face could get burnt off today," or, "You could end up with two kids -- one who's deaf and autistic and you have to care for well into adulthood, and the other who gets shot by one of their classmates at school." Or how about, "You'll go to prison for a crime you didn't commit." Or, my favourite (Muriel's Wedding fans will hear me), "The next time you stack it on the dancefloor could be the last time you're not in a wheelchair."

Because, universe, people forget. They need reminding. I was at the doctor on Friday and she told me my blood test results showed that I had Glandular Fever that had affected my liver. That in itself isn't too bad. But from now on I really have to watch my drinking if I don't want to be in hospital for liver failure at 40. You know? Like how do you even get Glandular Fever anyway -- I've got a damaged liver and I didn't even bring it on myself. You know there are all these ads saying, "Don't smoke, you'll bring on some horrible bodily damage," or, "Don't do drugs, you'll fuck up your life." Well I didn't even DO anything to cause this! I wish there was some neon sign post that I'd walk past when I got up in the morning that said, "You could die young," or, "You could drown," or, "You could get liver damage and not be able to drink for all your friends' 21sts and even your own 21st," or, "Your kids could be diagnosed with leukaemia or Down syndrome." Did you know Jordan - you know that porn model - has a blind son? Blind. Shit, you know, you get one shot at life and you get a blind kid. Or better yet, you get born blind.

Why are we allowed to forget these things? Why are we allowed to take good health for granted?

It's criminal.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I wish people wouldn't forget how fragile their lives are.

With sincere thanks for all the good fortune my life has been blessed with,

Lyrian

P.S. I love LiveJournal because it recovered this entry after I'd signed out and left the entry for like a week and everything. <3 Eljay. What a champion.

P.P.S. You could get raped next Saturday night.

I just made the worst dinner ever. I hate instant food!

IT TASTES TERRIBLE!

You listen to the radio from the other end of the house
Your myopic gaze vanquishes cockroaches and spiders
You sing and pluck your eyebrows in public
To make your waking reality more dream-like
To treat things like social boundaries and cultural norms as arbitrary constructs
(Unless the consquences of doing so include someone getting hurt)
Because they are only arbitrary constructs and nothing more.

Your fingernails remind you of Barbie shoes and TV show hosts
You believe everything yet believe in nothing
You paint memories of music
And eat debris
Your fear of 3am keeps you up 'til 4
Your dreams are portals to parallel universes
And you jerk in your sleep.

You see steam snails and chase blur-shaped buses
And breathe air heavy with used condoms and fast food
Or is it fast condoms and used food
You find millipede spirals
And wear soapy jewellery
And spend all your money but save up your thoughts
"For a rainy day".

I'm having one of those dilemmas again. Actually I'm having more than one, more like three, all at once. But the one that's probably relevant to you is the one that involves you and is the one I'll tell you about.

It goes something like: My weekend had me feeling like a washed up piece of refuse for the most part. I felt like absolute shit. I was so fucking pissed off at myself and wished I could have undone what I did, I was fucking pissed off at how judgmental a particular person was being and how dare he and why the fuck can't people just be nice to each other, why can't we just be a little more forgiving, why the fuck aren't things the way I want them to be, why doesn't the rest of the world share my values of acceptance and compassion and forgiveness and shit and why is there nothing I can do to change that and fuck this powerlessness, being awake is too fucking hard, I wish I was asleep but I'm too busy fucking bawling, I just want a fucking break from this shit, from feeling like this, it's all too fucking hard and I want to vomit my heart out.

And it'd be nice if the people who think I'm wonderful (I'm counting on there being at least one person who fits this category) could please email or SMS me telling me so and why, because I feel like a marionette who has been suddenly discarded, left to the mud, rain and earthworms.

The dilemma lies in whether I just shut up and push on, put on a brave face and keep marching, and just project the image of myself that is resilient and needless... I mean, let's face it, I will be fine, things aren't really that bad, I'm just wallowing in a neediness that isn't entirely real, or whether I ask you guys for this thing that I think I need, or want to need, or just want, or just... I dunno.

I suppose what'd be really nice is if you all sent emails and SMSes to the people who you think are wonderful telling them so and why, regardless of whether or not they're me.

To break up with fairy bread at 1am is to walk a one-way acceptance street that crosses grassy ethical grounds.

"She said Mary was the same."
"The same as whom?"
"The same as always."
"Oh, right. I wonder what she's hanging on for."
"Oh Christ, she's probably trying to beat God or something; she's pretty competitive..."