Lately I've had this unexplainable smile on my face. Maybe it's because the sun has been shining or maybe it's because there is only one week left until summer. All I know is that I feel good and I haven't felt this way for a long time. I have to say, though, finals week is gonna suck. I've been studying, or at least trying to study, all day. I have so much homework, it's disgusting. Although, it doesn't seem to phase me much. All of my worries and stresses seem to disappear when summer is this close. One week. Five days. Summertime. Ah, I just can't wait.
I took Matt to Prom at my school. It was fantastic.
All I really want right now is SUMMER. I want the sunshine, the flowers, the birds, the trees, and the grass. I want the feeling, the freedom, the fun, and the friendships. I want the time and I want to spend it with the people that I love. And most of all, I want peace. Peace inside of my head and out.
Lately it has been so fucking beautiful outside. I just want to walk out of class and lay in the grass and fall asleep with the warm sun on my face. But, I can't. I'm stuck. And right now, I can't do my homework. I can't focus when it's this wonderful outside. Well, at least tomorrow is friday.
The alarm clock just went off and I've been awake since yesterday. The moon looks beautiful. I spent the whole morning at Sharis (restaurant) drawing pictures and telling stories with a few of the coolest people in the world. Yeah, I snuck out for the first time, which is funny because I'm seventeen and a lot kids my age sneak out on a regular basis. It was a good time, but I don't think I'll do it again anytime soon.
I should probably start getting ready for school now. :(
You're all that I have and you're all that I need Each and every day I pray to get to know you please I wanna to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty Without you there's no me You're the air that I breathe Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe I'll stand on my own two feet
You must feel neglected. I apologize. There's been a lot of things going on in my life and I just haven't had the time or patience to sit down and write...or type.
Today was just your average day at school. I got back an essay that I wrote for History and, believe it or not, I got a B! This was exciting because lately I've been doing incredibly shitty in that class. Other than that, school was boring as hell.
I've started doing community service in the ER at Valley Medical Center. It's pretty interesting to see the different kinds of people and injuries that come through there. Some are gross, though. Also, this weekend I'm going to be at Casa Latina taking care of little kids for extra credit in my Spanish class. I did the same thing last year and it was so much fun I just had to do it again. The kids are so cute and they don't speak English so it's a learning experience, too. I'm pumped for it.
My mom has been bothering me about doing research for college and shit. I hate it. I have to take a history class in the summer because I failed last semester, which really blows. Oh well, there's no point in complaining. My mom also wants me to take some other summer classes, but those would be my choice. Eh, I don't even want to think about it right now.
Ah. I really need to stop biting my nails. I stopped for a week and they got all pretty looking, but then I started again and they turned to crap. I wish I could just stick with something for once. It's just like relationships. I can't hold on to them to save my life. If only I knew how to. I meet so many new people all the time that I lose track of who my real friends are. I'm losing touch with myself and the people that I need to be surrounding myself with. :(
I must be walking through my life with my eyes closed because things keep happening that I can't explain or even begin to understand. I had an amazing boyfriend and I threw that away. Now I keep making choices that make me look like a horrible person. I'm ashamed of myself right now and it seems like no matter how many times I tell myself not to do something or to think first, I still don't listen. I need to listen to myself more often. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode because I'm in this endless battle with myself. I've been drinking a lot lately and I know I shouldn't. I know that I am better than that and that I don't need something like that in my system in order to have a good time. I put myself out there and I hurt myself. I need to stop.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”
You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise.
I wish the snow hadn't melted. It was pretty fucking cool. Not going to school on Friday because of it was also pretty cool. I took Troy to tolo at Prep on Saturday night and it was alright. I mostly just liked dressing up and spending time with him. The dance was pretty lame, as usual. Not too many of my friends were there like I'd hoped. Oh well. Other than that, this weekend was pretty uneventful. Today I did homework and cleaned my room. My mom and brothers got a christmas tree and decorated it. Usually I'm a part of all that but I wasn't and that makes me sad. I miss my big sister (the one who lives in San Diego). Something pretty shitty happened to her recently and I wish I could be there for her. She's coming home for Christmas, so that's something to look forward to.
I wish homework didn't exist. I have this research paper to write for history and it's driving me insane. It is supposed to be around 2,400 words and I'm not even close. It is also supposed to be up to 6-8 pages long and so far I've only got 3. I've been working on it all day. Something happened to my writing ability. I think it got lost somewhere between last year and now. I used to be able to spill my whole heart out onto a piece of paper and now all that comes out is a bunch of crap.
All I want to do right now is be with Troy. I wish everything else would just go away for a while. Yea, I'm going to take a shower and then go to sleep. Peace.
I don’t know what is going on with me lately. Why can’t I just focus? Focus. Focus. I’m dropping a bomb on my schoolwork. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself. By not doing my schoolwork I’m not harming anyone but myself. I want to do well and I don’t know what’s stopping me. I know that having a boyfriend and seeing him all the time might have something to do with it, but there is no way that I can cut back on seeing him. I need him, he makes me happy. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose between happiness and success. Happiness to me seems so much more important. But at the same time, I wish I knew how to have both. Over and over I have tried to figure this out but more and more times I have failed at this. I need answers…I need a simple life. “Our lives are frittered away by detail” Yes, they are, Mr. Henry David Thoreau. My life has too much going on in it at once. I need peace, freedom, solitude. Not work, worry or fast-paced living. My head feels congested and my muscles ache now more than ever. The pain behind my eyes is terrible. I hate migraines. I want to go to sleep now and wake up in summertime.
