i had a dream the other night. jay and i were driving through a parking lot - his van, actually. i was driving, and he was in the passenger seat, trying to tell me how to navigate through the packed and busy parking lot to get out the quickest. at first, i just kept saying yeah jay...okay jay...whatever jay... but then i got fed up with him telling me things like he knows the world, and i just told him to shut the fuck up, and i was outta there in no time flat. i need to take my life into my own hands. --->remember that in your life, you are the one in the driver's seat.
so, i'm figuring out my home schedule...since my mom wanted me to figure a few dates out...but since i'm SO friggin' bored, i'm figuring out when i can see you folks, too...yes, i'm SCHEDULING you in. eh, mom wanted me to do that anyway. the problem is, i'm trying to give dusty and tiffeny equal time...cuz i know that i want to see him a bunch, and i want to see her a bunch, and i hate when i give one more time than the other 'cuz i either want to see one when i'm with the other, or i just plain feel bad. meh.
so, here goes: Saturday the 6th: is family day. i get in around noon, so mom and i are going to get lunch and a movie. then Mom wants to do a murder mystery at the apartment [OH! I CAN INVITE YOU KIDS OVER FOR THAT! jessie, becca, amanda, etc. haha, i think daniel should come. it's time you two made peace...] then Sunday the 7th: gramma wants to take the girls (mom, aunt V., and me) shopping [YES!]. Monday the 8th: is Tiff's day, all to herself. I think we should get some Cafe Brazil, for old time's sake. but i'm afraid she may have class...maybe i could go pick some up while she's in class and meet her after? Tuesday the 9th: i'm thinking Amanda and Jessie day. Tiff should tag along, and we should go out. skinny dipping and beer? ohhh yes. Wednesday the 10th: the Rioses. must see the grandparents while i'm in town. i can come over in the morning, all hung over and such, get some good ol' cream o'wheat, like i used to, and stay until Thursday the 11th: when mom and i have a hair appointment and lunch date. i <3 lunch dates. i don't know what i'll do that evening...probably spend it with Mom, then go out that night [the Church? it's been a while.] Friday the 12th: is pretty much open, but i'm thinking a becca day...i just seem to remember it being hard to meet up with her...so, i'm hoping for a becca day? if not, screw it, i'll drive to tiff's. then i'm going to dusty's when he gets off work because on Saturday the 13th: we're going to leave and go to the rivah. TUBING! then stay over in austin, then Sunday the 14th: come back to Dusty's...i'll prob stay over sunday night, too...then Monday the 15th: meet up with tiff &/or jessie Tuesday the 16th: I think should be another mom day, but that night i want to go out and go nuts. be it a party, a club, whatever. then i'll come back the morning of Wednesday the 17th: have breakfast with mom, then go to the airport.
le sigh. not nearly long enough. i expect impromptu parties and clubbing. although i have some days/nights designated for you kids, that does NOT mean that there are any less than 24 hours in a day, and that we can't fill them with debauchery. ALSO, if i'm leaving something out [don't kill me, it's my memory...] tell me. or if you know of any grand happenings, also tell me.
an old high school friend ( IMed me.Collapse ) i don't think i had spoken to him, online or otherwise, in at LEAST two years. he graduated ahead of me, though, so it's possible that it had been more.
i wrote this yesterday at work. i don't know what it is, but it made me feel a little better. or darker. i'm not sure. but i liked it:
if you let yourself sink deep enough, even the lightest, brightest of smiles can do nothing to lift you up from the darkness. even the warmest of loves cannotrevive your cold heart. that darkness pulls at my chilled heels. a darkness so deep with blackness that it has a kind of warm comfort; an unbearable gravity, pulling with the weight of the Mother herself, pulling me back home to a sacred nothing...a certain, known emptiness.
i realize that with so much time on my hands, i spend a lot of money. but, more importantly, i have more time to get depressed. and that's bad. i need to keep busy. as long as i'm busy, i don't get so depressed. and then the guys at work yell at me because i'm doing too much, helping too much...if only they realized that i was really doing for myself. i'd rather run bus-buckets up and down the sketchy stairs all day than feed fake smiles to customers that don't give a shit whether i show them to their table or not because they'd rather choose their own anyway. we could just draw arrows to the silverwear and beer menus that they're apparently too oblivious and blind to find themselves.
[i am jill's sense of rejection.]
ever feel like everyone who is supposed to be your friend is surprised when they run into you/you call them? but, it's not that they're surprised because they didn't expect to see you/hear from you, but because they didn't want to and you foiled their immaculate avoidance plan?
1. i went to new paltz with my roommate this past weekend. it was pretty funtastic. we went to this bbq full of people her parents knew when they were living on a hippie farm. there weren't really any 20-somethings, so that sucked, but there was hella veggie foods and home-brew and we stole away to swim in a river. that was amazing. we watched movies and walked around town. it was pretty relaxing, actually. it wasn't the most Fun, but it was very calming. we also went to a Pride parade, then to the rally afterwards where i got a free massage from this lady who had her massage chair out to advertise her business, or something. niice.
2. i have this terrible, dark feeling that something bad is going to happen. maybe not something like injury or death or anything, but certainly something that's wrong...i hate this feeling. i hope it's just anxiety, and nothing real...but i'm not usually wrong. maybe since i'm voicing it, it'll change.
so, apparently my description of "who[m] i'd like to meet" on my Myspace became someone i met...but unfortunately i forgot to include 'not afraid of relationships.' because, yeah, i got exactly what i asked for. but i forgot a very important part.
1. bookshelf 2. desk 3. desk chair 4. full-size bed stuff 5. extra pillow 6. pots 'n' pans? 7. filing cabinet [get rid of old thing and be more organized...]
[tbc'd]
...plus shows, lest i forget. - 2 June: Lawrence Arms & Dead Ellington [Sunset frequent]> ...I.C.C. (6p) - 4 June: The Vo!ume ...Middle East Upstairs (midnight) - 7 June: (?) The Less Lonesome ...TT The Bear's [Sunset regulars...] - 25 June: Pilotdrift ...TT The Bear's - 5 July: Fellow Project ...Middle East Upstairs (11p) - 13 Aug: Spoonfed Tribe ...Gypsy Tea Room
"you can flirt with her all you want: i don't care." ( --he said it before anything happened, but it is essentially the basis of this relationship. )
you can't get your heart broken if you heart isn't in it. every visit is the last, and if it happens again - that's the last time, too.
don't expect more, and you won't be disappointed.
**jesse, i don't have your number anymore 'cuz i lost my old phone. HOW CAN I DRUNK CALL YOU WITHOUT YOUR NUMBER?! i was on a drunk-calling Roll last week, and i couldn't call you...**
bored
nothing good
brainstorming