Psuedo-Deviant Musings

There are still times that I think I might want to revive this journal for its original purpose, but keep not getting around to it. I still don't think I'll revive it for full time, but at least to have a second identity to post to communities and other journals where I wouldn't want my main LJ to be discovered. Not yet anyway. This thing still isn't going public, but I suppose acknowledging myself to sympathetic parties is a step towards that. I dunno. I almost told one of my best friends, but just couldn't get it out. But it's coming to the surface more and more these days. One of these days, it'll break out into the open.... when I'm ready.

It's finally over. *allen* and I actually broke up.

Don't feel like going into detail... as I feared, this journal might fall by the wayside. Might transfer friends and communities to my regular journal now that I have nothing to hide, though. *shrug*

Yeah.

YEah, long time no post. Been doing most of my writing in my notebook journal, mostly because the stuff I've been writing has been along the lines of stuff you'd find in eroticfantasies..... yeah.

But anyway, today was a bit different than the rest have been lately.

First off, I got my summer job. WOOHOO! The theater in the park was looking for several carps and they called us since we recently stole their MC to be our TD... basically asking what we were all doing for the summer because they needed people. I sent in my resume a few weeks ago, but kept putting off calling them because I'm lazy and hate professional phone calls like that. But today, the TD actually came over to chat with us (since both *M* and I expressed interest in working there). He basically said "here's what we're doing, I'm offering you both positions, let me know what you decide" and *M* and I both chimed in and said "I've thought about it and yes I'll take it."

Lovely, I'll have to put up with get to spend the summer working with him. This could get...... fucked up. Or more so, anyway. But hey, I don't mind. I live for this kind of thing :P

Which brings me to the next interesting thing. After work when I was sitting on the couch taking off my work boots and getting ready to go home, I was chatting with *lisa* about having gotten the job and how I was "really not complaining" about working with *M* all summer. I thought at the time that *M* had already gone home or at least was int he office. Or, well, I guess I just wasn't using my fucking head. Anyway, *lisa* reminded me that I "can't have him", for that matter neither of us could "have him" because we both have boyfriends. (She doesn't want him, she was just clarifying her "you can't have him statement" with the parallel example that she couldn't have him either if she wanted him becayse of the same reason I can't - a boyfriend.) Anyway, I started to say that I see it more in terms of him not being able to have me, but righ tin the middle of that sentence, *M* waltzed right back into the shop. I happened to hear him come in so I turned and saw him and immediately shut up......... but then it hit me that he might have heard every single fucking word of our conversation. I have a loud fucking voice. Oh fuck. I told *lisa* we'd continue the convo later, if need be, gathered my stuff fast, and dashed for the door. Of course, I again forgot that we had to go out the side door because of rehearsal, so then I had to go *back* through the shop to the side door, and avoided meeting eyes with *M* on my way. Crap crap crap. If he heard that conversation there's no *way* he could *not* deduce that I have a thing for him.

Why's this a bad thing?? Didn't I want him to know? Well, I guess, but not FOR REAL! Yipe! This could cause all kinds of weirdnesz. Or... maybe he'd just brush it off, I dunno. I think I'd better keep my mouth shut for a bit. Just in case.

Anyway, as if that wasn't enough excitement for one day, I came home to find a topic reply notification in my email box pointing me to new pictures posted at the camp website from last summer........ and there were soooo many fucking hot picks of *frank* in there! Agh! I've not seen how long his hais by now so finding these was a huge treat.

Oh, and there was also the really interesting conversation with *lee* last night, which doesn't need retelling. Suffice it to say that it's a good thing we had that conversation online as there would have been *much* less "good behavior" if it were in person.

I'm going insane. I need to do something about my situation... I'm getting there, slowly... one of these days I swear I'll talk to *allen*. I keep not wanting to think about it, of course. There are too many other fun things to think about...... ;)

Minor news point number 1: *M* is back at work, and back to his old self, surprisingly. And I had been really beginning to enjoy having the shop to myself, too. Oh well, it was still good to have him back. Back to the insanity... maybe... seems to have calmed down a bit while he was gone, which is good.

(side note: I really can't type right now, I keep having to go back ad fix things, so this will be short)

Minor news point number 2: I now officially have a crush on the guy who works at the climbing gym. He was finally there tonight, after never working while I was there for like several weeks. And damn, he looks more and more hot every time I see him. ;) He even asked if I had been coming around as much as I used to because he hadn't seen me.... Wow, he noticed! *flattered* Hey, I needed another source of motivation to go climbing more than once a week.. this could count as one. ;)

It's getting to the point where I think about breaking up with *allen* more and more when I'm actually *with* him... which isn't good. I don't know what to do, but I don't feel like spewing through those thoughts again tonight. I've had a huge late dinner and a pint and a half of beer, and it's time to go to bed... it's the same old stuff anyway. Sooner or later I'll make some sense of it.

Apparently the dream I had about *lee* like a month ago actually had some bearing in real life. I dreamed (amongst other dreams) that I was walking through a store like Walmart or something, browsing the CD music aisle. And I glanced at a shelf tag and noticed that it had his name on it.. but instead of his full name all spelled out, it was his first name and the shortened version of his last name that he uses as his AIM screenname and in his personal email address. I remember looking at the tag and being impressed that he had actually recorded and released an album. I was telling him about this dream just tonight. He was amazed because that was actually the name he had always wanted to use as his recording name.... and he is indeed planning to record music someday. He said that me telling him that totally floored him, too, in a good way. Hehe... awesome. I love surprising people with my random psychic abilities. (If only they weren't so random... oh well.)

.....

O_______O

Oh crap. How did I get on THAT train of thought now?!?!?! Eeeep! I guess the bedtime fantasies will have a different focus tonight... I haven't thought about him in awhile..... *shivers of excitement* ;>

It's so fucking quiet at work without *M* here. Sane, yes. Tame, yes. Fun, no.

Oh well, I'll deal.

Do I go to Joshua Tree to climb this weekend or not??? I need to get out and climb. But it's going to be really fucking cold out there.... hmm.

Just passing time on lunch at work here...

There's not even much to read on LJ with r0b666 not posting while he's on vacation... heh, again, I'll deal. :P

Something tells me the next month or so at work are going to be very hectic. The next show has so much detail... and we're short a carpenter... and short on the labor budget... and short on skilled overhire labor... gaaaah. On the plus side, overtime, and altered hours, so the potential to not have to drive in rush hour traffic for awhile...

Which reminds me. DID EVERYONE AND THEIR GODDAMN BROTHER MOVE EAST OF DOWNTOWN ALL OF SUDDEN?!? WHY DID IT TAKE ME HALF AN HOUR TO GET TO WORK WHEN IT NORMALLY TAKES 10 MINUTES?! Rrrrrrrgh. Sometimes I wonder how good of a "tradeoff" it really was to move out east and have to commute into work just for the sake of cheaper rent.... But then, it didn't used to be this bad in the mornings. And I even left 10 minutes earlier than I usually do. Maybe there's construction somewhere that's forcing everyone to take my way to work. Well, at least I don't have to scream and beat on my CD deck in the car anymore. That was always the source of my "road rage".

Ooops, time to go back to work. *sigh* The next week is going to go soooo sloooowwww.....

Oh yeah, the party on Friday just sucked ass. So much for me being all charged up on caffeine and high on life all afternoon and prancing around in my outfit "practicing" how I was going to be seductive and flirty. I was more of a bump on a log by the time this party rolled around than any of the ones before.... thanks to not only *allen* being there but even *liz* was there. ARGH! I felt bad enough being flirty in front of *allen*, but I was prepared to not worry about it and flirt with him equally, until *liz* showed up and I just felt completely wrong about the whole thing. How can I compete with an exgirlfriend/roommate/bestfriend possibly with benefits....? grrrahh. Anyway, the real problem wasn't so much that I didn't flirt with *M* as it was that I burned out all my energy earlier in the day, and had too much caffeine, so by the party I was crashing from the caffeine buzz AND had had too much to drink already.... so I hardly talked to *allen*, or anyone at my table, let alone wandered around to chat with other people. My drinks were: champagne at dinner... beer before the show... chugged a beer at intermission... and then I might have done ok if *allen* hadn't went and bought me the Guiness w/ Tia Maria after I specifically asked him for WATER..... grr... and then I got a Newcastle because I needed to wash the Guiness down with something, it was way too heavy.

Well, at least the actual show was good. Really good, actually.

I almost had a complete and total breakdown after the party when we got back to *allen's*, unfortunately. I didn't say much, but he could definitely tell something was wrong. Before I could even start to ask him about us, though, (which probably wouldn't have been good to do under the influence anyway) he jumped in and said that I really ought to start watching my drinking at these things.... I think I had led him to believe that my strange, cranky behavior was because I was drunk. I didn't have the energy to contradict him or change the subject, and I felt awful... so I just let it go and went to sleep. Somehow, though, it was all erased in the morning, and things felt back to normal. So I guess the drinking did have a lot to do with how I was feeling and how I was acting it out. And of course, now that the weekend's over, and I've spent the entirety of it with *allen*, I feel just fine. I've hardly thought about *M* over the last few days and, surprisingly, haven't really kicked myself for how the party went either.

This week and the next couple are going to be much different, I'm sure. *M* will only be at work on Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday, he goes in for his surgery. :( He'll be out of work, recovering at home for at least a week, and then when he does come back to work, he won't be doing much of anything (probably paperwork, sorting hardware, making cut lists, whatever else the boss can dig up for him). So, having him gone will be different... and then having him back will probably be weird too. I don't know how that's going to be, though I'm sure I'm mature enough to deal with him being out of work... :P (sheesh). Gee, maybe I'll be focused and get some work done... though on the other hand, I might be extra spaced out... meh, I can deal. However, when it hit me (on Friday when he told us when he'd be out of work, and I had forgotten it was so soon) that I'd only be around him for 2 more days before the surgery, something in my head clicked and said, "I have to let him know before he leaves". Which is just silly. I shouldn't let him know at all about this, and I know that, but it's still so hard to keep the two worlds separated. I know that I'll never actually pull anything off, but I also know that I'm going to be fighting myself over it all of Monday and Tuesday. The least I can do is hug him before he goes off to surgery. YEah, that would be nice and more or less harmless. :)

Anyway. I finally saw "The Crow" last night. OMG... To reiterate what I said before, which I posted in my other journal... "Way to hit all of my weaknesses in *one movie*... Just watched "The Crow." Why the fuck did I never see that movie until now?!?! Damn. Good. Goooooood mooooovie. I even cried at the very end... a little. Wow. Brandon Lee. With long curly hair. In black. With a long black coat. Playing a guitar. .....Holy fucking crap that's hot. Pardon me, I'm going to go, uh, lay down for awhile.... O_O" Yeah. I need to watch that one again... ;)

I think I might turn in early tonight. Too many Superbowl munchies (nice performance by both teams, IMO) and beers have me all sluggish and sleepy. It'd be so nice to get extra sleep the night before going back to work.

I'm muuuuuch calmer this week. IT was a pretty good week, nothing too terribly exciting, or at least not that I feel like rambling about right now. I think I'm getting a little bolder, or at least not feeling like quite as much of a moron as I had been. I have to keep reminding myself to just have fun and not obsess over the outcome.

I had a wonderful dream about making out with *M* last night though. Very lucid, I convinced myself I wasn't dreaming halfway through it. Put that together with the fun I had swing dancing (by myself, *allen* didn't feel like going) last night, and the lovely weather today, and I'm in a great mood today. :)

Oh yeah, and we're off work early. That's because it's opening night tonight. :D Show and party, probably both with *M* and *allen*. I was telling myself that I wouldn't be getting too drunk, because of getting my car stereo installed tomorrow morning, but of course *allen* had to go and ruin that resolution by suggesting that I drive to his place, leave my car, and then we take either his car or the bus to the show, and sleep at his place tonight, so I can drink as much as I want. Argh. I just have to be careful not to get too flirty (yeah right) with *M* in front of *allen* and cause trouble.

Gawd... looking back over my last several entries, I can see how bad it is for me to just sit around and have nothing better to do than obsess over things. I've got to find more ways to occupy myself on weekends rather than sitting here stewing in my thoughts.

I've been discussing this whole thing with a good friend and he's helping me put everything in perspective, so that's helped me be much calmer and saner over the last few days. I really need to remember to keep this fantasy world as just that.

Well, my thoughts are moving in very disconnected bursts today. I need to get up and do things anyway, to get ready for opening night. And perhaps secure mass quantities of beer for Super Bowl Sunday, now that I'm off work early and could make it out to our favorite local brewery before they close.

Some variation of
me.. "I've been trying to figure out why I'm still here, and I think I've narrowed it down to one reason. And the funny part is, you don't have a fucking clue what it is!!"
M... "why is that funny?"
me... "well, it wouldn't be any fun if I told you, now would it?"
...and casually walk away to the bar or the bathroom or whatever.
Talked myself out of that one because I thought that "you don't have a fucking clue" was too vague. Oh, and because I was too chicken. rgh.

If I was feeling very drunk, which I wasn't because the buzz never kicked in:
simply... "Have I ever told you that you're hot?"
...and I couldn't think of what the hell I would do no matter how he reacted to that one, so I gave it up.

There were a few things I managed to say that I thought were hints, but with how loud it was in the bar or maybe just how totally vague they were, he didn't seem to catch them at ALL.
"I come here, I drink beer after beer, and try to accomplish something, and then all I get out of it is a hangover."
obviously, "try to accomplish something" could have meant anything at all. argh. I was referring to accomplishing some kind of flirting, but there's no way he would have known that. XP

Gah. Anyway. I'm beating this subject to death. And it's not getting me anywhere. If only my pilot light hadn't gone out mysteriously over night, I could be out doing important things instead of sitting here wallowing in obsessiveness. Gar.

Damn damn damn damn damn damn.

0 *allens*. 1 *M*. 3 beers. And still no hitting on *M*.

What a waste of time and money. Why the fuck did I go there... why the fuck did I leave without saying a single fucking word about what's on my mind? Why the fucking hell can't I get this out of my system?

God damn he looked good tonight. I looked like shit though. Trivia was ok, but I felt completely out of place at the second bar. After *allen* left.

What a waste. I dragged *allen* along for all that, and I think he had an ok time, but still...

I don't even want to think about it right now... all of the reasons that I can't say what I'm thinking, the reasons why it wouldn't matter even if I did, and why this is totally fucked up to begin with.

I was at least a little bolder tonight... but only by a little. As soon as the first phrases of my little planned-out flirtations remarks were hanging in the air, I was afraid to utter the rest of them. Everything I said was so vague anyway, and could have been taken any possible way. Useless.

I don't remember what else I wanted to say now... I've got to go to bed... thank gawd I don't have to work tomorrow. Grrrr. Sooner or later, I swear to god I'm going to crack. For now, it's back to, as *frank* would say, "vigorous masturbation cures all ills". >_