(no subject)
I write no more but I still dream.
213
Nothing is the same in my life. Although my surroundings and my interests and endeavors are completely different, I still feel the same—indifferent, ha ha.
No matter how shitty a situation i'm in, I feel no worse than I ever do because I don't care about anything anymore, really. Which is a good thing, seeing as though I've been in a shitty situation perpetually for the past 2 years or so.
People that I care about and zealously try to please will always change on me, or dismiss my efforts.
Friends that have countlessly betrayed my trust and deceived me will always feel entitled to crucify me for something I do that isn't even nearly as treacherous or selfish as what they have done to me so many times (with me always forgiving them).
Since when did you suddenly develop an interest in the fucking laws of friendship? Now, the same standards in friendship that I so eagerly delineated to you over and over again, NOW they make sense? When only applicable to situations where you are the one left feeling hurt and angry and "played for a fool"?
You're right, i'm a sinner, and you're a saint.
People will always expect me to do what makes them happiest.
But nobody will sacrifice anything they value, for the sake of my happiness.
I've never asked anybody to, either.
I can be trampled on. I can be taken for granted. I can be forgotten, outcasted, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, replaced, bullied, underestimated, used, put on the back-burner…
If you SAY you just want me to be happy, then you must mean it, right?
Okay then, I believe you.
No matter how shitty a situation i'm in, I feel no worse than I ever do because I don't care about anything anymore, really. Which is a good thing, seeing as though I've been in a shitty situation perpetually for the past 2 years or so.
People that I care about and zealously try to please will always change on me, or dismiss my efforts.
Friends that have countlessly betrayed my trust and deceived me will always feel entitled to crucify me for something I do that isn't even nearly as treacherous or selfish as what they have done to me so many times (with me always forgiving them).
Since when did you suddenly develop an interest in the fucking laws of friendship? Now, the same standards in friendship that I so eagerly delineated to you over and over again, NOW they make sense? When only applicable to situations where you are the one left feeling hurt and angry and "played for a fool"?
You're right, i'm a sinner, and you're a saint.
People will always expect me to do what makes them happiest.
But nobody will sacrifice anything they value, for the sake of my happiness.
I've never asked anybody to, either.
I can be trampled on. I can be taken for granted. I can be forgotten, outcasted, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, replaced, bullied, underestimated, used, put on the back-burner…
If you SAY you just want me to be happy, then you must mean it, right?
Okay then, I believe you.
(no subject)
I woke up this morning & looked to my side, expecting to see Isabelle.
Then I remembered that she's already back in Washington.
For some reason, even though I'm gonna see her again in 2 weeks, I can't stop crying.
It happens every time.
Then I remembered that she's already back in Washington.
For some reason, even though I'm gonna see her again in 2 weeks, I can't stop crying.
It happens every time.
Fourth Of July
Isabelle and I looked at the fireworks from my backyard tonight.
It was unbelievably beautiful, and I felt like a kid again with her, standing on the patio chairs and screaming about how cool the lights looked!
They looked like they were coming right at us! hahaha
I feel so happy and connected with her, as well as everyone else looking at the same fireworks as we did tonight.
It was crazy! Sheesh. I wish we could've been on acid, though. Even though it was already incredible enough.
Even though it wasn't like the last two Fourth of July experiences she and I had, this one was particularly great just for tht one reason.
The fireworks! And the fact that we watched them together and got so excited about it.
I'm happy. I'm gonna change. I feel like myself again, so I am thinking that it's a start for my changing process. A change to become myself again.
I miss a lot of people right now. I wish that they could help me become myself again, as well.
But I'm so glad that Isabelle's here. She's the main person who could make me see that I need to change for the better. She's helping me get there :)
FUCKING CALIFORNIA! Can't wait to come back & stay, again.
It was unbelievably beautiful, and I felt like a kid again with her, standing on the patio chairs and screaming about how cool the lights looked!
They looked like they were coming right at us! hahaha
I feel so happy and connected with her, as well as everyone else looking at the same fireworks as we did tonight.
It was crazy! Sheesh. I wish we could've been on acid, though. Even though it was already incredible enough.
Even though it wasn't like the last two Fourth of July experiences she and I had, this one was particularly great just for tht one reason.
The fireworks! And the fact that we watched them together and got so excited about it.
I'm happy. I'm gonna change. I feel like myself again, so I am thinking that it's a start for my changing process. A change to become myself again.
I miss a lot of people right now. I wish that they could help me become myself again, as well.
But I'm so glad that Isabelle's here. She's the main person who could make me see that I need to change for the better. She's helping me get there :)
FUCKING CALIFORNIA! Can't wait to come back & stay, again.
May 1, 1988
Happy birthday, Izzy! I love you more than anything in the world.
It'll always be us two, at the end of it all.
You are the most important person to me, and I can't say how much I fucking miss & love you because the extent of which I do is to an ineffable degree.
Without you, I don't think life would be worth living.
You're the most beautiful and amazing person, ever.
I know that I am not the only one who thinks this, because everybody who knows you would have to agree I think. I appreciate your existence more than anything.
identity crisis
Anything but this.
I haven't been good to begin with. Now, I'm just living in eternal despair.
I thought I was living in it already, but now I know that things can/will always get worse.
I don't want to imagine life without such a fucking huge piece of my happiness.
More so than I was before.
Of course, back then I didn't think that it was possible, either.
but it will always get worse.
Whether I am with someone/other people, or just myself; I'm wandering around alone,
and my own voice sounds weird to me because I never have a reason to talk/anyone to talk to.
These past few days have turned me to stone.
I don't even feel like talking [anymore].
'Memoir, Is Not the Right Word'
"Underneath the blankets in
the guest room downstairs,
tangled up and leaving it
that way,
fortune found against her skin,
her breathing so sweet,
we lie there, sleepily, lovingly,
talking to each other;
"Hey look at that spider!"
-Where?
"Up there! look, see it?"
meeting up with her eyes,
i follow her stare up at the ceiling, the spider
crossing its legs, hanging upside down, as
quiet as a photograph;
-Oh yeah, i noticed it before
"Is it moving, it looks like it's coming towards us"
we both stop, hesitating for a moment,
like lizards soaking up the sun, before darting off into a crack
in the wall after noticing your approach.
focusing all of our attention on the daft looking spider, we wait for movement patiently, silence filters through our lungs;
"THERE! you see it!?"
-No, i didn't see anything!
"It's moving, i swear it is"
-It hasn't moved an inch.
Pointing out other marks in the ceiling so to measure the distance between the spider;
-See! you're imagining it!
She starts laughing to herself quietly,
"I know, you're right, but it looks so funny,
like its shaking and moving around."
Still unsure, I keep on looking up, laying right by her side, we start laughing together;
-I don't even think it's alive anymore! it has probably been left dead there for 50 years.
all i can see is her grinning at the thought of the spider dancing,
laughing still, her eyes so alive, like little planets, constantly focusing on the spider, i am surprised we didn't burn a hole through it with our glaring combined,
her laugh playing over and over, playing with the wind,
stopping the sun from setting,
so perfect it will never be defined,
never will i be able to describe its sound,
it was that day she brought that spider back to life,
with enough electricity
left floating
for my heart
to follow,
exceeding anything i have ever felt,
exceeding love,
wrapped up in her clothes, her skin,
her perfume illuminated naturally,
knowing,
for the first time."
the guest room downstairs,
tangled up and leaving it
that way,
fortune found against her skin,
her breathing so sweet,
we lie there, sleepily, lovingly,
talking to each other;
"Hey look at that spider!"
-Where?
"Up there! look, see it?"
meeting up with her eyes,
i follow her stare up at the ceiling, the spider
crossing its legs, hanging upside down, as
quiet as a photograph;
-Oh yeah, i noticed it before
"Is it moving, it looks like it's coming towards us"
we both stop, hesitating for a moment,
like lizards soaking up the sun, before darting off into a crack
in the wall after noticing your approach.
focusing all of our attention on the daft looking spider, we wait for movement patiently, silence filters through our lungs;
"THERE! you see it!?"
-No, i didn't see anything!
"It's moving, i swear it is"
-It hasn't moved an inch.
Pointing out other marks in the ceiling so to measure the distance between the spider;
-See! you're imagining it!
She starts laughing to herself quietly,
"I know, you're right, but it looks so funny,
like its shaking and moving around."
Still unsure, I keep on looking up, laying right by her side, we start laughing together;
-I don't even think it's alive anymore! it has probably been left dead there for 50 years.
all i can see is her grinning at the thought of the spider dancing,
laughing still, her eyes so alive, like little planets, constantly focusing on the spider, i am surprised we didn't burn a hole through it with our glaring combined,
her laugh playing over and over, playing with the wind,
stopping the sun from setting,
so perfect it will never be defined,
never will i be able to describe its sound,
it was that day she brought that spider back to life,
with enough electricity
left floating
for my heart
to follow,
exceeding anything i have ever felt,
exceeding love,
wrapped up in her clothes, her skin,
her perfume illuminated naturally,
knowing,
for the first time."
Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth...
I never write about what goes on in my life anymore. I miss delineating all the events and occurrences I experience every other day, but I wouldn't know where to start now from such a long neglection. I'm also in dire need for the reparation of my digital camera so I can begin to fucking document all that I partake in, just like I used to do.
But I don't know, maybe it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Maybe i've learned to involve ALL of myself into what I do & whatever is happening.
Or maybe i've just become a lot less passionate about things in life.
It feels like the latter.
maybe.
I'm either tending solely to my priorities while being tormented by my endless thinking/stagnancy and my loneliness in Las Vegas, or i'm in California executing the most hectic and insane missions & obligations to people I promised to hang out with & somehow always managing a way to get to everyone in Chino Hills, then from Chino Hills to LA, LA to Rancho, Rancho to Beverly Hills, and Beverly Hills to The fucking Valley in a matter of two days without a nickel or a way of getting back to Vegas.
I should constantly be focusing on the present. hic et nunc. But my present state feels nonexistent.
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But I don't know, maybe it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Maybe i've learned to involve ALL of myself into what I do & whatever is happening.
Or maybe i've just become a lot less passionate about things in life.
It feels like the latter.
maybe.
I'm either tending solely to my priorities while being tormented by my endless thinking/stagnancy and my loneliness in Las Vegas, or i'm in California executing the most hectic and insane missions & obligations to people I promised to hang out with & somehow always managing a way to get to everyone in Chino Hills, then from Chino Hills to LA, LA to Rancho, Rancho to Beverly Hills, and Beverly Hills to The fucking Valley in a matter of two days without a nickel or a way of getting back to Vegas.
I should constantly be focusing on the present. hic et nunc. But my present state feels nonexistent.
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(no subject)
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