Irrylath's Journal

Well, tomorrow's the big day. We fly out for our trip tomorrow night, & I couldn't be any more anxious. Mostly because I still have yet to pack, & a pair of pants that I had tried to overnight order to arrive tomorrow before we leave doesn't seem like it'll make it. Little peeved I paid for overnight & it likely won't be.

I can't help but think about how it'll be nearly halfway through July when we get back. I feel like that's almost halfway through summer already. I'm worried by that point in time, I may notice it getting darker a little earlier, as the summer solstice was yesterday. It's crazy how quickly time is flying. I spent months waiting for this, & now the solstice has already come & gone.

I hate that time can be like that. It moves so fast ,& I hate it because things like high school & time spent with my mother are slipping further & further into the past. I'm getting older, but mentally I don't feel like it. I still sometimes feel like a teenager, just trapped in a nearly-40 year old's body. Sometimes I worry, does this mean I'm immature? Or is this normal to feel this way despite physically aging?

It's already been nearly a month since aunt Sharon died now. Two days will make a month. She's been gone nearly a month already. How??

It got me thinking about other people. I mentioned things like school. I got wondering yesterday how a lot of my old friends from school are, the ones I lost track of & don't talk to anymore? Joe, Sherry, Rebecca, Crystal, Stacy, Josh Rivet, Brandon... So many of them. I wonder how they're doing? I hope they're okay, especially the ones I lost track of entirely like Sherry. Last I had yeard, years ago, Josh wasn't doing well health-wise, but there was never any update. I hope he's okay.

It sucks getting older in this way as well. Another classmate from the Class of 2005 was just killed in a car accident the other day. We've lost a few people from school. Tyler passed away. Tom passed away. Johnny O'Brien, he also passed away along with his sister Ashley. People I didn't know but had seen in school have passed away.

It's rough.

Anyway, I've got so much to do but wanted to give a quick little note. I've got to get on the ball with packing, since I keep procrastinating & would like to spend my last evening relaxing with video games & reading Steddie fanfiction, & hopefully I can have lunch with Eric tomorrow since I won't see him for over two weeks once he leaves for work. I already miss him lol. Even just the view out the window while I work? I'm going to miss that, miss my routine. Miss home, & my own bed. I'm going to see exciting places, but I'll always look forward to coming back to my hermit cave.

Anyway, ta ta. If I don't update once more before tomorrow night, I'll have an update once I return. (I decided not to bring my Chromebook to update, as it's just something else to worry about packing & getting damaged & stuff)

I just briefly peeked to see when I had last updated, & what I had last updated about. I didn't realize how on point that thought train was going to be. Only six days later, on the 24th, my aunt Sharon died.

She was sick & had been in the hospital, & things took a turn. Only a few days after posting, Eric & I were out to dinner when I got a message. I looked at my phone to see that my dad had messaged Kyle & I a screenshot of a text from Uncle Bill, saying that she was coming to the end & it would be a miracle if she made it past the weekend.

She died on Sunday the 24th.

A week later was her services. I went with my dad & brother down to the Cape for it, & work was gracious enough to allow me the day off to attend her funeral the next day as well.

I met my dad & brother in Salem before heading on down with them. We arrived at the funeral home not long before visitation opened up outside of immediate family. There were so many people there to visit her that day. We went in after the initial flow of people, & even then there was still a line to greet & console the family, which that line did not end for some time. Sharon was well loved by so many people. I hadn't realized how many people she knew, how social she had been. I thought maybe she'd get more visitors from former patients at the dental office she worked at for eons, but I think she had a wide social circle as well, possibly through her kids & their families as well.

I got a chance to briefly talk with some family members of course. I wish I could remember names better, but I remember a couple of people in the family line, I think Sharon's granddaughters? Anyway, they knew my mom too of course, so they immediately told me that I looked so much like my mom. There was no way I could hold back the water works after that, despite my best efforts. It also hurt to hear them tell my dad & I that right at the end, my aunt said that all she wanted to do was to talk with her sister again. She missed my mom so much. They had been close before my mom's stroke/aneurysm, & Sharon visited her often despite the haul it was to come up from the Cape.

After talking with the family & kneeling to say goodbye to Aunt Sharon, I looked at the pictures that were everywhere in the funeral home. There were so, so, so many pictures. It was wild to see pictures from their childhood, & from the 60s. I also hadn't fully understood my aunt's previous marriage, & never really put A & B together that my cousin Meghan was the only child she & Billy had. My other cousins were from her previous husband, whose mother & sister did attend Sharon's funeral. I even spotted a picture of aunt Sharon & I, though I didn't recognize myself in it at first. It was taken a long time ago, when I was probably just a teenager since it was in the Smith Sanborn kitchen, so I guess I changed a bit appearance-wise. We then sat in a little room to watch the photo slide show that had so many pictures, I think Meghan said there were over 600 of them. We got a chance to talk to my uncle Albert, who is now the last sibling of the three remaining.

I remember hearing once that when you have 3 or more siblings, there will always be one sibling who attends all of their siblings funerals, & one who attends none. My mother was the one who attended none. My uncle Albert is the one who attended all.

Anyway, once we were all set there at the funeral home, we went to a seafood place to eat. We had quite a few of us, so we took two of the big booth tables in the restaurant. I got to sit at the head of one table with Kyle to my right, & my aunt Sue on my left. It was nice talking to her, even if it wasn't much. For the hyper, spazzy, loud child I was, I sure did turn into someone who can be incredibly shy & quiet. I had fried clam strips, & that was good. The rain moved in of course while we were eating, so when we all left it was rainning pretty good. Kyle, Dad & I went to find our way to some billeting place that my dad had made reservations at, on some military base. He wanted the cheapest accomodations he could find, & boy did he find them. Two rooms for $90 for the night. They were about as nice as an old dorm room, with saggy begs & a broken AC to boot. It was tough to sleep, although Kyle had a white noise app on his phone that oddly helped. Every time I kept waking up, I'd just listen to the rain & just daydream about sitting in the rain somewhere until I dozed back off again.

The next day were the funeral services. We met the others at the funeral home again for the precession, which went right up the road to a Catholic church. I had no idea what to expect, & it was most definitely a learning experience for me.

We entered... Oh, I forgot what the proper name for the room is, but it's the foyer-like room in a church before actually getting into the church itself. I noticed some folks dabbing their fingers into this little cup, alcove-ish thingy on the wall by the door, doing the crossing-themselves thing, so I quickly realized it was holy water. Which of course my silly brain could only think of that scene in The Lost Boys where they gathered holy water from the church to fight the vampires. Then I noticed that the priests, all dressed up in proper Catholic priest robes, were putting a similarly designed cloth over Sharon's casket. I even spotted the cross on the stick, & that's when I realized that this was going to be a proper Catholic wedding. (And I promptly felt out of place, especially since I grabbed the first sweatshirt I could find & of course it was an Amon Amarth one with Norse symbols & something about heathens on the back) We all marched into the church behind the priest, & there were a lot of people in there. The family sat in the first few rows of pews, & the thing began.

I say it was a learning experience because I'm not relgious, certainly not Christian, so I had NO idea what to expect or what to do. There were prayers & spoken condolences of course, but I noticed that Sharon's family would do a little kneel/bow as they appeared before an altar on the "stage." A few family members spoke, a couple of them reciting bible versus, which I was surprised by because I didn't realize how religious aunt Sharon's family was. (We definitely were not. The closest we got to that was my brother & I attending Sunday School in Hawaii for a litlte bit, & my mom coming to some church event that I can't fully remember) The family knew exactly what to say, when to kneel, they knew exactly what to do. One of my cousins handed the priests something that appeared to be a crystal bowl & a crystal decanter, where something was poured from the decanter into a silver chalice that had been sitting on the altar. There was the incense smoke thing waved around over the alter, as well as the priests sharing from the chalice. We even all did the thing where we'd line up & receive this little wafer-y thing from the priest. I had no idea what it was so when we got back to our seats I had to ask Kyle "What do I do with this?" He looked at me & said "You eat it!" Which okay, yeah, I guess that's the whole "eat his body" thing I had heard about. There was off & on again standing, sitting & kneeling, as well as some recited prayers that I did not know at all, so I just stood/sat there silently. They did the incense smoke thing over Sharon's casket before walking up the aisle with it at the end, & then we all proceeded out of the church.

From there, we again got into the precession to go to the cemetary. We mostly made it without interruption, but a van & a car at a stop sign got impatient & cut into the precession. Luckily the cemetary was right around the corner, so no one got left behind or lost. Come to find out, the cemetary where aunt Sharon is buried? It's literally 3 minutes away from her house. It's so, so close to her home. We all gathered around the casket one last time as the priest from the church read from the bible. Flowers were placed on her casket. And that was it.

We spoke & chatted briefly before leaving to go to a catering/function place/restaurant/cafe? that uncle Bill had taken care of for everyone. It was nothing fancy, just some dishes set out catering style as well as an open bar for beer/wine. We got more of a chance to talk to family members, & Kyle really hit it off with our cousin Adam, uncle Albert's son. The last time I had seen Sarah & Adam, they were just teenagers, so to see them now? What a shock. Especially Adam. He does fitness stuff now, so he was pretty jacked. Kyle does gym stuff too, so they had something to hit it off about. I wish I had been as social as Kyle, but again, I was being awkward & shy. I had my food, I had a glass of prosecco, & made some small talk here & there. We talked about going to the Wonder Bar with Uncle Albert & he said any day but.. Wednesday? Something about his horse races that he likes to watch. So, when we're back from our big trip, I want to get the ball rolling with a family outing.

It was interesting talking about that. When the Wonder Bar had closed & then reopened with new owners, I remember Mom & I talking about going down there to see if it was at all like how it was, especially the pizza. Unfortunately we only talked about it. We never did it. Then I had the hope that maybe aunt Sharon could come to the Wonder Bar, & I could have that outing with her. Unfortunately, that didn't happen either. So, Uncle Albert is the last one I can try to do this outing with, & I am determined to not let that chance slip by like I did with Mom & Aunt Sharon.

Last summer, RIGHT after my trip to Vegas, dad & Kyle went to see aunt Sharon. Unfortunately I didn't go because i was freshly back from my trip to Vegas & was exhausted, plus I had very little PTO left & had to save it for Hawaii. So I didn't go. And I will always regret that. I thought "Next time, I'll go next time." There never was a next time, & I hate that. So, I want to try to actually do something with the last remaining sibling from my mom's family. I'm hoping maybe he might even know about family history, since I never got a chance to sit with Sharon & talk about that. (A thought that crossed my mind when one of her older daughters had talked about the culture in the household & the food Sharon made. I didn't get that with my mother, so I know NOTHING about our Swedish & Armenian heritage)

I really should try to make the effort to talk to more of my family, to get to know them better. I never did get to talk to them/see them much growing up, & then as an adult I still never really saw anyone. I don't know why. I just hope I can stop being so shy, awkward, & maybe try to get the upperhand on this fibromyalgia shit so I can get out of hte house to do these things. It's been very good at keeping me at home, like after Vegas & not seeing Sharon because I was exhausted & trying to physically recover from that trip. I don't want it to cost me time with my remaining family members.

Anyway. I had more to say, but then I decided to talk about that weekend before I forgot all the details. I should do these things more often, as my memory is trash & I can't remember all the things anymore.

I wonnder if I should bring my Chromebook on the trip with me, just in case? Maybe hop on there in my cabin & update, before I get the chance to forget any details?

I'll mull it over.

Anyway, I'm gonna go lay down. My tummy hasn't been happy the last couple of days, & having to constantly go to the bathroom is taking a toll on me.

Rest in peace, Aunt Sharon. I miss you so much already, & I'm so sorry that I didn't reach out & see you more.

Even though it's nice & sunny & warm, I keep thinking about death.

I keep thinking about how much time has passed since my mother passed away. July will make 5 years already. Yet life keeps going on. The seasons cycle through. Things just continue on, as if she never existed.

There's people now to remember her. Her family. But when we're all gone as well, she'll be forgotten. And we'll be forgotten. A name on a headstone at best. No face or memories assocated with it.

Someday I, too, will be forgotten. Everything that I am, everything that I enjoy & love, everything that I've ever thought of, daydreamed about, etc., will be gone. No one will remember me. No one will remember or even know what I liked. No one will know about what I've experienced. No one will know what music or TV shows or movies helped me get through tough times. No one will know what I liked for music.

I'll just be forgotten, like everyone else after a time.

Deciding not to have a family ensures that I'll be forgotten quicker. I'm still around to remember my mom, so she'll be remembered as long as her family is still around. Someday though, I won't have a family to remember me. I'll just be another name on a tombstone, at best. I still haven't decided what I want done with me when I do die, other than hoping I'll have enough friends to briefly remember me & hopefully have a fun gathering. I'm not worth being sad over, plus sad funerals are too sad anyway. Hopefully someone will make it a party. Have a food fight. It's what I'd want. Shenanigans, before I become lost.

I don't know why my train of thought is going down this track, but it is.

I wonder what'll become of this journal when I'm gone? How long will this site exist? Other journal sites are long gone. My oldest memories on Blurty are history. I can't access my DeadJournal anymore, & I'm not even sure if it still exists. They say the internet is forever, but some things disappear even from there too.

Anyway, that's enough of that I suppose.

Between the warmer weather yesterday into today, & seeing the leaves starting to grow, I suddenly remembered what I used to listen to around this time of year. May always reminds me of listening to Lacuna Coil's Karmacode and Megadeth's United Abominations albums. It's a very old throwback, I think back then was when I first started associating certain music with certain times of the year. May just happens to get Megadeth & Lacuna Coil.

So i just put on Karmacode & it's the first time I've listened to it in a long, long time. It brings back a lot of memories, especially paired with my open window & seeing the leaves starting to grow back & it being a bit overcast. Reminds me of driving around Pembroke, hanging out with Eric & Ian. Cinemagic was brand new, & Space Center was still a really fun place to go if you were lucky enough to go.

I'm not even sure why I'm rambling about this. I guess I just appreciate the old memories, even if they were... Holy shit, nearly 20 years ago. Gosh, 20 years ago this month, I was preparing to graduate high school. 2005 wasn't my year, so I made 2006 my year. (Only 20 years after Eddie was supposed to make '86 his year, right?)

I still would give Mr. Reardon a big fuck you if I could. I still remember him congratulating me when I got my diploma. (Or the holder, anyway. You didn't get your diploma until you returned your cap & gown) I felt like I was telling him "fuck you" getting that diploma. Wish I had taken Eddie's planned approach, haha.

I also remember Twit. I still miss that cat. That old sack of bones would ALWAYS know when I was opening a can of tuna, no matter where he was in the house. I miss my tuna buddy. I just looked at my old Subeta account because I remember I had a custom item made for him on there, & it was May 20 2007 that Twit passed away. So, coming up on 19 years since then. Wow. I wish I could find the image that was made for that. Sadly I had uploaded the stuff on Tinypic, which went defunt some time ago. None of my old links work anymore sadly. I miss Tinypic.

Anyway, I should get back to work. I'm just kind of enjoying the memories, & the fact it's kinda warm out. (My room is still 78 degrees from yesterday!)

I just realized. Speaking of time flying?

We're less than a month away from the FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY of Stranger Things Season 4, Volume 1 dropping.

FOUR. YEARS.

What in the fuck?!

How was that summer FOUR years ago already? How has it been 4 years since experiencing a truly great season for the first time? (And in the end, S4 was better than S5) How has it been four years since being left off with the Henry/001 cliffhanger? July will be here soon enough, then the anniversary of volume 2 will be live. That'll mark four years since seeing Eddie die.

That train of thought is related to my post yesterday about ficticious characters.

He was just a TV character. Not even a major character, but a freshly introduced one. And yet, I was drawn to him right away. I always loved the show & felt I related to it so much. I was a nerdy kid. I still kind of am a nerd. I was picked on & bullied a lot. I play Dungeons & Dragons, & play with a dedicated group. I listen to heavy metal music. Eddie reminded me so much of me. Even the school thinking they were nerds & freaks? I still remember sitting with friends back in school during lunch, playing Uno & stuff, & other kids calling us The Loner Table & shit like that. They thought we were weird as fuck because we listened to diferent music & dressed/looked differently. Not very different from Eddie & the Hellfire Club. Anyway, yeah. A character who was viewed as a freak in school, bullied, played D&D, and listened to heavy metal music? Kind of me in a nutshell.

Anyway, so yeah. Four years since that all went down. And the worst thing still is that season five came & went, & zero mention of Eddie. Nothing. There was a lot of references made to/about Eddie, from Robin's repeating "Bad News First, Always" after Eddie to the blow-out between Steve & Dustin. Eddie absolutely haunted the narrative. Yet we only caught one, maybe two brief memory flashes of him. There was no flashback scenes, there was no response from anyone else to his passing. There wasn't even any Vecna mind games where Eddie would appear as a Vecna-Vision. We never got any answers about him. It was assumed his body was left behind in the Upside Down. It would've been nice to know for sure, just to know if the grave was empty or not. Eddie's name, or any names, were visible on the memorial in downtown Hawkins at the very end. I had seen leaked images with close ups of the placards. Edward Munson was listed there. In the show, we get no close glimpse at the memorial. And the worst thing that still eats away at me: We never got to find out if his name was ever cleared. I feel like there would've been some closure if I had known, especially if he was cleared. But because it's a mystery, it bothers me. I have no closure.

Damn, gonna make myself all sad again. Fuck, too late.

But yeah. Four years. To make matters worse, Season 3 dropped on the 4th of July in 2019. Seven years ago. SEVEN. Worse yet, that was pre-covid. It was a different world. So that one stings a lot, too. This year will also make TEN WHOLE YEARS since season 1 first came out. July 15, 2016. Wow, a whole decade. Granted I didn't start watching until just after season 2 dropped, so not til late fall 2017, but still. To know it's been there that long. Crazy.

Anyway, I'm gonna shut up for real this time. Go watch some TV. Hope I feel okay. Then put my mind at ease by reading.

So I just ate dinner. My tummy/gut isn't feeling good yet again, so I had some soup & watched The Office. Kind of a throwback to how I was coping with the initial onset of this in 2023. Lots of chicken noodle soup, The Office, & The Legend of Vox Machina.

Anyway, so I just finished, & I heard the intro theme song as I was putting my bowl in the sink. It made me remember how much I played WoW several years ago, & how during 2020 I watched The Office like crazy while playing WoW. Six years ago. The Office was my comfort show of 2020, as I was just beginning to finally watch the show. Just hearing the intro reminded me of all the time spent WoWing & watching the Office & it just blew my mind that it was already SIX years ago that our shit got rocked by covid.

It's just wild to think it's already been six years. It feels like it was just a couple of years ago, but somehow I suppose it does also feel like years & years ago. I did think the other day about how some things changed when covid happened, & how many of those changes stayed. I thought about it while lookinng at my bottle of Softsoap. The formula of the soap changed. The trash bags I used to buy for both work and home? They stopped making those. (They've since released something sort of close to it, but for a long time I could only find the regular ForceFlex bags, courtesy of prioritizing materials in the midst of a pandemic) Dawn dish soap, or hell, any dish soap. I remember whenn people were talking about the changes mid-shut down, they were talking about reduced contents in packaging. Like the dish soap. I remember walking through Market Basket & going to buy a bottle. All of the brand new bottles on the shelves had less liquid in them. The bottles only looked 3/4s full. It was a very noticeable difference. That's never changed.

I guess the only plus for changes that stayed was things like Drive Up & Go. I rarely set foot in a grocery store now because of it, which is great because grocery shopping often was an anxiety-inducing chore.

Anyway. Yeah, so, it's just a lot to think about, with how long ago that was. Heck, in WoW terms, that was Battle for Azeroth era. I remember farming honey to get enough to buy a mount, & watching The Office at the same time. Back when I could actually watch TV & game at the same time, as my current desk & monitor now block most of the TV,

I keep losing my train of thought. I took an edible earlier because my stomach/gut was kind of hurting, hoping that it would help alleviate it. (It sort of is. I don't feel it so much anymore, so I'm finally sitting at my computer instead of laying down) Hell I just lost the train of thought for this thought. Shit.

Oh, maybe later I'll mention the doctor appointment fiasco. Apparently the appointment I have in June with neurology? They don't do jack about MS, if it were indeed MS that I have. They had to send the referral elsewhere. And yet I still got an appointment booked there, & because I had gotten a notice about it, I did not even see that message about the "we don't treat/evaluate MS here" until today. It was sent March 3 or so. So, I've wasted almost 2 months waiting & it may not even be the right appointment. I guess I'm just baffled about their neurology department not being able to handle something I was sent to neurology for. Instead, I get to go to Manchester. Once I get that sorted out anyway. I replied back to the message to clarify, & once I hear back, I'll have to do that awful task of calling around to get the referral sorted out.

God, having health issues sucks.

Anyway. I'm gonna go back to watching TV. I feel okay sitting up, but I have no desire to play Call of Duty right this moment. (Maybe if they brought back Stakeout 24/7! I miss having that to blow off steam after a long day at work)

Woke up today not feeling great again. Gut & stomach hurting a bit, feeling like I'm about to.. Well, you know. I just feel horrid.

I just wish I knew what was wrong. I'm still concerned this is not just fibromyalgia with IBS. I've got a couple more weeks to go until the telehealth appointment with a digestive specialist, someone new I haven't seen before since the person I was seeing retired. (And I missed my final appointment with her in June because I got sick, possibly from that Static-X show)

June, I've got my welcome appointment with a neurologist as well. I think my doctor just wants to rule out MS. We'll see.

I just want to feel okay. I haven't felt okay in a long time. Over three years now.

I hate this.

I have two things recurring in my mind today, with the first one baving been running through my head a lot the last few days.

I wish it were possible to tell my brain the difference between a real person, & a ficticious character. If I could, then maybe the loss of a favorite character in a TV show that occurred almost four years ago wouldn't bother me so much. No, instead I still get really upset. I'm sure the TikToks I've watched since 2022 haven't helped, especially since the Drag Path edits really became popular. God those edits will always make me cry.

The other recurring thought today is my hair. I've been noticing more & more gray hairs coming in. I don't like it. I don't like it because it's only really gotten bad the last few years. Maybe the stress from all the health stuff & other things going on has made it worse, who knows? I look at all the gray hairs though & think about how it just seems to represent how much this health shit is wearing on me. It's not just looking older. I just don't associate it with anything positive. Only negative.

So I think I'll try to get my hair colored soon, at the very least before the trip anyway. I want to hide the grays. I want my hair to look better. My hair looks so dreadful these days. It looks coarse & flat. Dull. I miss how my hair used to have more shine & seemed healthier. Again, it could just be aging, or it could be health issue related or caused. Who knows. I just.. I don't like how it looks.

Even my skin on my hands seem to betray my age. My skin on my hands has always looked terrible, especially in the colder months with the harsh dry air. I feel like it's becoming the norm though. I even see a little age spot or two on my left hand. I don't like it.

Anyway, I have to get back to work. But I just wanted to quickly put these thoughts out there. I doubt it'll stop them from looping in my head all day, but it was worth a try.

I couldn't help but think of that song, as I have a funny feeling right now. Not a good funny feeling. It's a bad feeling. It's the same sort of feeling I have when I feel like I've done something wrong, or neglected to do something I really should have, or when something really is very wrong.

Something feels so very wrong.

I don't know if it's me, if it's the world, or what.

I mean, the world is very wrong right now. Things are a mess. I'm just worried that this feeling just means that perhaps things are far worse than I realize. I don't like this feeling.

As far as what I could've neglected, there's my debt. Thanks to my being a dumbass & literally gambling with trading cards, i put myself in the poor house. Why I continued, I don't even know. I guess I couldn't really think that my luck could be THAT bad. Surprise though! It was! I don't make enough money to dig myself out of the hole either. It's not a terribly deep hole, not like tens of thousands, but I can't even save up $2000 to pay anything off. I just don't earn enough to do it. It doesn't help when life throws curveballs our way either. Like Eric's covid at the start of 2022. Then his heart attack just before Christmas in 2024. Car repairs don't help either, & I found myself in the emergency room a week & a half ago so that was a good chunk of money I hadn't anticipated for.

In other news, Ray finally finished her Experiment 004 story a couple of days ago. I finally had time to watch/read it today. It's been over 3 years since she had started that story, & I'm a little sad it's come to an end. It's like that Michele's stories she had, the POV stories. (I miss her writing, too.) Both were also a comfort when my health issues started.

One writer disappeared, the other just finished her story, & yet my issues continue. Hence the ER visit.

Anyway, I don't have a lot I want to say today. I just feel stressed because of that overbearing feeling that something is wrong. Again, I'm not sure if it's me, something with me, something out there in the world, or what.

Guess I'll go play World of Warcraft.

Things have been... Weird, with my health issues lately.

Back in late November, & then two weeks later in December, I was hit with the worst pain in my stomach/abdominal area. I had never felt anything like that before. I'm not sure if it was the pain itself that caused it or what, but it was severe enough to vomit. Both times though, the worst of the pain went away after about half an hour & I just generally felt crummy the rest of the day. I didn't know what caused it, as I never followed up with my doctor, but I just assumed maybe I got too high from my edibles & ate too much food & hurt my gut. Both times I had eaten fast food late the night before, & it hit me in the morning, like 8-8:30 am. I thought nothing more of it, & just stayed away from edibles & everything after that.

Well, it happened again on Saturday. It struck me shortly after 1 am, & it was like both times before. This time I couldn't even guess as to what caused it. I hadn't eaten in hours, & I had eaten leftover pizza as soon as I clocked out on Tuesday & then a handful of cheese-its about 4 hours later. As usual, it was that same gut-wrenching pain. No vomiting, but the pain dulled after about half an hour or so. I managed to doze back off for a short while before getting woken up shortly after 3 & having it hit me again. This time the pain didn't go away after 30 minutes, & after an hour & finally throwing up, I went & got checked out at the local ER.

As is the case with everything I've had going on, they found nothing. Appendix looked fine, gallbladder seemed fine (had a catscan done) & nothing in lab tests. So, now I don't know what to do. I don't know what's causing it, so I don't even know how to avoid it. There's no real pattern between the last two times & this time either, at least none that I know if. If it was something I ate a day or more prior somehow taking over 24 hours to hit me, then... Well, I don't know. I'm not sure if I should follow up with my regular doctor, or just get in touch with the digestive specialist since it's all gut innards stuff anyway. The only downside is, it'll be at least 3 months before I can get in to see him. I'm also low-key worried that this new guy won't take me seriously. I liked Dr. Grondin. She was nice, she seemed to understand, & had agreed to do 6 month check-ups. I only briefly met her replacement, but I just didn't get a good vibe from him. I guess I'll have to wait & see what happens the next time I see him to know for sure, but I'm praying he doesn't end up being dismissive.

The only other thing going on health-wise is I have an appointment to see a neurologist in June. My doctor finally seemed to realize that sudden pain & muscle weakness like I've had is unusual, & he said that sometimes ends up being neurological. So I get to get my brain checked out. I suspect he's trying to rule out MS, so we'll see what happens. The appointment isn't until June though, & then our family trip is right after, so I'm not getting any answers (or lack thereof, if the trend continues) until July at least.

It really sucks having to wait months for appointments, & it sucks paying through the nose for them too. It almost feels like a lose-lose.

Anyway, I'm just stressed bc my gut is doing new things & I'm scared because I don't know what's causing it & I don't know what to do the next time it happens. It's the worst pain I've ever felt though, & I don't want to go through it again. Especially since I have NO idea how to alleviate it or what I can do to help ease it.