a gripping mess of ink

Friends only. Add me if you like though! :)

I'm shooting my first film tomorrow. Never thought this day would come :)

I really wish people would care more about something other than being "cool."

My birthday was yesterday! The big 2-1. After classes I went out and bought myself a nice bottle of wine and then subsequently got drunk before work with my roommates. It played out okay though.

School is taking over my life, I just want to be in Boston already!

Any film/music suggestions? I need some new flavor in my life.

WHY MUST I FEEL THIS WAY.

"No matter when you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Less than 4 more weeks till I leave this wretched school for awhile. then 6 more till I leave the country.

I am now 20. how odd.

Even though I had been dabbling with the idea of going to study in Florence all of last semester, I ended up casting that notion out of my head by the end of spring because it was "unreasonable." Now though, after thinking long and hard about it again, I have realized that it is the only thing that feels right in my life right now. Staying here at UMass for another full year sounds like a fucking nightmare to me, but I was willing to do it just cause what else was I gonna do? But the second the idea of Italy came back to me, it just felt so right in my head and made me finally excited about things again. I've already begun the application process, etc. and I see no reason why I wouldn't get accepted and/or not go. So...here goes nothing.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Like REALLY looked at yourself. I've been doing this a lot recently and it's been one of the most terrifying things ever. I have this habit of talking to myself and wording my thoughts out loud so that I can really hear them. But the other night, I talked to myself aloud while staring at myself in the mirror and it was a fucking surreal experience. When you really look at yourself and you examine your face and hear your voice being echoed throughout the room and you look at your surroundings and realize where the fuck you are, it really fucking hits you that this is your life. This is my life right now and it's really fucking happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. This isn't a movie, not some book, this is reality; and maybe I don't need to try to keep make sense of everything. Maybe I'll always be confused and I'll always be anxious and have this sinking feeling inside my chest, but maybe that's okay. Life has it's ups and downs and sometimes I can't believe this shit is really happening to me. And even though I know I'll get out of this funk eventually and feel like myself again, maybe it never really stops.

feelin' better, finally. 4 more days till I go home! Then, back to the valley.

I am too excited to decorate my new house, god damn!

Today I got to check out the house which I will be living in this summer here in Amherst.



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The space in the room that I'll be renting out is pretty luxurious and I can't wait to decorate it into a polaroid wonderland. I also have a door leading straight to the porch in my room, where I can freely smoke cigarettes and blaze. Thank you Ben Janas and thank god for off-campus living.

Spring is beautiful. I haven't appreciated sun and breeze in so long, especially after having survived a soul-crushing winter. I am pretty content right now, but we'll see how long that lasts. I've been trying to just go with the flow and not question things anymore. Whatever happens will happen and I should just stop trying to take control of everything.