we are the wreckage

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yummy




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dear pandas & kittens,

WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE! i look back on some of these journal entries from 4, 5 years ago and can't believe they were written by me. all i want to do is give my old self a great big hug and say that it's going to be alright.

i find myself now in the icy tundra that is montreal, wrapped in a floral quilt, my kitten louie curled up on the foot of the bed. tonight will be spent sipping honey lemon tea and watching movies with this boy i'm in love with. i still have no direction in life (some things never change) but it's always getting better and i've started looking at life with this loose smile and cocked head and spark in the eye.

i shall try to update more often if interest exists. know that - either way - i do read all of your lovely journals as often as i can.

xx

i tumble.

i think i really want to drop out of school and move to a tiny loft on
mont royal & have people over for cake & champagne breakfasts and play
the vu ultra rare trax on vinyl and wear floral cotton dresses and
glitter eyeshadow and feathers in my hair.
i remember how jacob & matt used to try to convince me to go to the
abandoned train tracks with them where godspeed recorded an album and
i didnt want to because they were juliens favorite band and i can't go
there i think, it would be emotionally messy, mess of emotions black
emperor.
why am i in school? i feel like my trained thinking patterns are just
necessary because i feel like or i felt like i needed to adjust, but
im adjusted now so i think its ok to start and be different again.
maybe im wrong, i dont know kitty kat, what do you think?
i sat across a girl that was a stranger in a diner this morning and
she had both wings of her nose pierced and it reminded me of the
winter princess that had big glittering rubies in her nose and lived
in a house with dead butterflies on every inch of the wall. i didnt
tell her that though.
i think i want to drop out of school and just work maybe at a little
coffee shop and make chai lattes with sprinkles in heart shapes and
smile real smiles at rainy people and add fortune cookies from my own
private stash to black coffee orders. hannah said i should buy a
tophat and i think i should, too. i dreamt that the hair on my head
fell out in a very straight line but it didnt look oriental or smart,
just very disturbing and i looked for something to put on my head but
the discount shops i went to only had strange toques i think they are
called with silly, too-subtle-to-be-ironic labels.

i would like to buy a real phone with a real dialler and not have a
cellphone, i dont think being available all the time is the best thing
for anyone's health. i think we should all combine our talents and
smartness and build a time machine so we can go back to the film noir
era and everybody would smoke and there would be no prejudice.
we could all go to a tiny babyblue painted bar and stand by the
jukebox and laugh about innocent things and walk home, girls in
skirts. i think that could be fun.

i am sick in bed with a fever while my friends are just about to go to the elysee montmartre to see soulwax & d.i.m.
I WANNA DIIIIEEE
this isnt FAIIIR

the 2 many Dj's sets are always incredible. i cannot believe I am missing this.

at least this gives me an opportunity to catch up on some films I'd meant to watch ages ago.. just before starting the gore gore girls i decided it would be okay to spoil myself and get one of those really incredibly gross & greasy kebabs from downstairs. the thing is, i wouldnt have gone down there if i actually had food in my apartment. but i dont, because im attempting to save money and all that is in my frigde is blueberry soy yoghurt, remnants of some morbier cheese and hot mango chili sauce. it doesnt help that my roommate is on a diet and only eats eggs and zucchini. no joke.
let me tell you, the worst thing to do when you want to save money is to stop buying food. you get CRAVINGS. and then, at midnight,you have nothing to eat and your only option is the 8 dollar kebab from downstairs.
on top of that i'm actually boycotting that restaurant because the guy who runs it, my neighbor, is a woman beater and abandoned his cat, which now lives with us.

ANYWAY
so i go down there with my bedhair, fever and smudged make up and while i'm waiting for the asshole to slice the fucking meat in slow motion, i have to listen to this dude who's leaning on the bar with a glass of whiskey, telling me how big my eyes are. whats worse than getting compliments from complete imbeciles is getting compliments from complete imbeciles when you feel unattractive as hell and just want to curl up in bed and die.
so after he detected my accent and i, too tired to even attempt to ignore him, tell him where i'm from, he lists all the things he loves about germans. he ended it with german philosophers & - getting mildly interested - i asked him for his favorite. he responded with "the one that said 'never trust a woman, even when she's telling the truth'"

...

i asked him who said this and he insisted that i should know, since i am german.

had a shot of tuaca..get fucked for a fiver, it's cheaper than tequila but i can't say its nicer
doesnt matter though cause im sure you'd rather go than stay here and watch me try to get you drunk so i can kiss you

ich will am liebsten nur noch crack rauchen und die tapete in meinem zimmer abreissen und sex mit vincent gallo haben. WUAH

holla at yo









ITS HALLOWEEN

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YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE!
YOU ARE THE SAME DECAYING ORGANIC MATTER AS EVERYTHING ELSE!


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dear god,
life is hell