ouch
Fucking christ, this hurts...
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
10/10/12
The shaking room and
the shadowed floors whisper
Home.
Home.
After two short weeks of
shadowed ceilings and shaking hands,
I am finally Home.
And I miss the cold fingertips,
the warm kiss.
And I miss Home.
l.a.m.
the shadowed floors whisper
Home.
Home.
After two short weeks of
shadowed ceilings and shaking hands,
I am finally Home.
And I miss the cold fingertips,
the warm kiss.
And I miss Home.
l.a.m.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Used to...
I used to think, even when it was easiest, that it seemed so impossibly difficult. But I've had a love affair with Change and his heat is still trapped beside me, beneath the blankets. I'm ready for this. I didn't think I was but I know better now, apparent in at least parts of me, that I'm stronger than I ever knew, that I'm braver than I ever knew, and that I'm more capable than I'd ever openly give myself credit for.
2012 has been an interesting year and it's only March. So much bad already, but there's so much light that's left to cast these lingering shadows of doubt and fear away from me. I'm ready. I'm really ready to dive head first into discovering who I am supposed to become and the adventure that the search will lead me on. I'm definitely braver than I've ever been and that's a start. Baby steps. One realization at a time.
2012 has been an interesting year and it's only March. So much bad already, but there's so much light that's left to cast these lingering shadows of doubt and fear away from me. I'm ready. I'm really ready to dive head first into discovering who I am supposed to become and the adventure that the search will lead me on. I'm definitely braver than I've ever been and that's a start. Baby steps. One realization at a time.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
because i never realize how long it's been until it's been too long
i am still alive. my life is taking on a new direction. i can feel it. i'm not sure where it's going or whether it's going to be heading somewhere good or bad but i welcome the change because the tenacity with which i cling to the everyday monotony of my life is becoming tiresome, even for me. i've been craving adventure and it is terribly frustrating that i don't have the means to extricate myself from my surroundings... i hope that this hope to just get out lasts longer than it takes me to give up again.
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contemplative
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never had this reoccurring problem before...
1) i'm broke. broker than i've ever been. i tried doing a good thing in saving some money but that didn't go so well. something's gotta pay the rent...
2) my heart is in crisis.
- i'm so fucking alone that's it's been painful lately. i'm dwelling on the past by remembering the dates of years gone by and yes, it's disgusting but it's not him that i want anymore. it's what we had that i crave. i can't seem to remember that it will never come back.
- i'm stuck to a boy that i finally realize would be so good for me but so wrong to be with. i still put our friendship before anything else and i'm feeling like maybe, it's time to draw that line because i can't get any weirder about this. i kiss his face because i love him. i fuck him because i can. but he doesn't want me beyond that. i know that. i can't bar my heart from interfering much longer. i don't want to wait until it's too late because i know i could so easily ruin this but i lust for his attention and i keep deluding myself into thinking that maybe i could make him love me. it's as complicated as it will ever get.
- the one boy that could save me from this madness, the one that has somehow magically made me feel that it's okay to have legitimate feelings for someone else is 8 states and 2,475 miles away. i tell him "you only live once. you should be with her because she's there. she's more of a chance than i'll ever be because of the entire continent between us." the last few days, i got to thinking, i could do this. we could talk on the phone every night, see one another on holiday a few times a year, be happy just knowing that we could be with each other like that... but then i remember that i couldn't hold him over the phone. he wouldn't be there to see me smile when he's made me happy. i wouldn't be there to kiss his cheeks and tell him that i am happy to be with him. i remember that i am just not strong enough. being broke doesn't help that either. it would take an entire month's salary to get him here or me there and i can't sacrifice thousands of dollars a year out of my family's budget because i only make hundreds every month. anything for love? it's not love. thank god. but it's hard to forget. and it's hard to hear him talk about the other girls he as tried dating that he just doesn't click with the way he clicks with me. it's harder to hear him call me beautiful because he has no idea how scarred and scared i am inside. i'm determined to never let him know. what's the point when he's 8 states and 25 hundred miles away?
my heart is so heavy. i've never felt like this before. everything except for the part about money is completely new to me and i fear i'm not handling it well at all. god knows... i'm trying... i just can't.
2) my heart is in crisis.
- i'm so fucking alone that's it's been painful lately. i'm dwelling on the past by remembering the dates of years gone by and yes, it's disgusting but it's not him that i want anymore. it's what we had that i crave. i can't seem to remember that it will never come back.
- i'm stuck to a boy that i finally realize would be so good for me but so wrong to be with. i still put our friendship before anything else and i'm feeling like maybe, it's time to draw that line because i can't get any weirder about this. i kiss his face because i love him. i fuck him because i can. but he doesn't want me beyond that. i know that. i can't bar my heart from interfering much longer. i don't want to wait until it's too late because i know i could so easily ruin this but i lust for his attention and i keep deluding myself into thinking that maybe i could make him love me. it's as complicated as it will ever get.
- the one boy that could save me from this madness, the one that has somehow magically made me feel that it's okay to have legitimate feelings for someone else is 8 states and 2,475 miles away. i tell him "you only live once. you should be with her because she's there. she's more of a chance than i'll ever be because of the entire continent between us." the last few days, i got to thinking, i could do this. we could talk on the phone every night, see one another on holiday a few times a year, be happy just knowing that we could be with each other like that... but then i remember that i couldn't hold him over the phone. he wouldn't be there to see me smile when he's made me happy. i wouldn't be there to kiss his cheeks and tell him that i am happy to be with him. i remember that i am just not strong enough. being broke doesn't help that either. it would take an entire month's salary to get him here or me there and i can't sacrifice thousands of dollars a year out of my family's budget because i only make hundreds every month. anything for love? it's not love. thank god. but it's hard to forget. and it's hard to hear him talk about the other girls he as tried dating that he just doesn't click with the way he clicks with me. it's harder to hear him call me beautiful because he has no idea how scarred and scared i am inside. i'm determined to never let him know. what's the point when he's 8 states and 25 hundred miles away?
my heart is so heavy. i've never felt like this before. everything except for the part about money is completely new to me and i fear i'm not handling it well at all. god knows... i'm trying... i just can't.
how've you been?
it's been.......
interesting....
to say the least....
or maybe
it's been interesting
to say...
the most?
whatever. i'm trying to make the best of it, anyway.
interesting....
to say the least....
or maybe
it's been interesting
to say...
the most?
whatever. i'm trying to make the best of it, anyway.
ahem
it seems that i have made it a great habit to love most the people that can't love me back.
and it hurts.
(in that love, i chain my heart and happiness to them, without making them prisoners of it even though i've fallen, captivated by the perfection they portray in my mind's eye.)
(and it hurts bad.)
and it hurts.
(in that love, i chain my heart and happiness to them, without making them prisoners of it even though i've fallen, captivated by the perfection they portray in my mind's eye.)
(and it hurts bad.)
i've been feeling
in love with my body recently. even the ugly parts are a wondrous sight to behold...
"i am wondrous woman and my own creature
my size and shape does not define my worth or my limits." -unknown
"i am wondrous woman and my own creature
my size and shape does not define my worth or my limits." -unknown
hrmmm
first week is officially over. you should have seen the tenacity with which i pulled it off. even i was proud of myself. regardless of what i get on this first paper, i'm aiming for a "c", i know that i didn't hold back (i don't think i did) and if it's any good at all, with a bit of revision, i have my personal statement for uc berkley preprepared. hah!
other than that, i have a lot of reading to do. most of the next 3 hours will be spent doing that, aside from taking a shower and eating. afterwards is vanie's baby shower for my soon to arrive niece, little helena marley. tomorrow i was supposed to go shopping but i think i'm going to have to cancel because 1) i don't have enough money to be worrying about clothes and 2) i have a mass of reading left to do. i still have 200 pages in novel form left plus an additional 15 pages online.
it's madness, as i've said before. it's all madness. but lordy help me if i don't love it this time around, at least right now. si se puede! right?!
other than that, i have a lot of reading to do. most of the next 3 hours will be spent doing that, aside from taking a shower and eating. afterwards is vanie's baby shower for my soon to arrive niece, little helena marley. tomorrow i was supposed to go shopping but i think i'm going to have to cancel because 1) i don't have enough money to be worrying about clothes and 2) i have a mass of reading left to do. i still have 200 pages in novel form left plus an additional 15 pages online.
it's madness, as i've said before. it's all madness. but lordy help me if i don't love it this time around, at least right now. si se puede! right?!
(no subject)
it's the last week of june. hallelujah. back to the grind next week. i look forward to the relief that a busy schedule brings. i'm already stressing over it but i know i can get through it. it's one book. a few essays. a few poems. a few pages. i can do this, right? i think. i hope. i can. i just look forward to the feeling that i'm being productive. like last summer. crazy. but one of the most productive summers i've known as an adult. i really did good things for myself.
i don't know. all this madness is not just about class... it's about everything.
my heart and head are toiling. a bit with one another but more so with the individual things each must sort out. schedules, money, friends, family, love... each has just as important a place in my thoughts and feelings as the last. lines are just blurred. i know what i want. i know what i need. i'm just in a place where i don't know how to get it.
i need to sleep... if i can. i don't feel up to this right now. thought i was. i think i'd rather play some sudoku and then sleep instead.
i don't know. all this madness is not just about class... it's about everything.
my heart and head are toiling. a bit with one another but more so with the individual things each must sort out. schedules, money, friends, family, love... each has just as important a place in my thoughts and feelings as the last. lines are just blurred. i know what i want. i know what i need. i'm just in a place where i don't know how to get it.
i need to sleep... if i can. i don't feel up to this right now. thought i was. i think i'd rather play some sudoku and then sleep instead.
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jumbled
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