Up!Scumbag

So I bought a home recently. Well, specifically speaking, I purchased a house. After five or six weeks of looking I eventually settled on a place that probably would have fetched a much higher price were the economy not ailing, so I'm fairly pleased with my purchase (even though the home's value is $11,000 less than what I paid). Anyway, boring details aside, here is a quick list of home-related firsts that I wanted to share.

-On the second day of possession I urinated into the toilet. It was a strange feeling because I felt like I was peeing in somebody else's bathroom. Subsequent urinations have since eradicated those creepy feelings.

-Within the first hour after closing I moved in my first piece of furniture. Well, art actually. It's an old painting taken from my great-grandmother's home that has been hanging in my bedroom since, well, forever. I checked the internet: it's not worth anything.

-I mowed the lawn for the first time last week. Almost ran over a garter snake.

-Received my first piece of mail: something from my insurance company. I was hoping for a Hustler, but no such luck.

-Twenty-eight days after I officially became the owner of the house, I went number two for the first time. Details about this feat will not be forthcoming.

-I met my first neighbor towards the end of the first week. Retired couple with a really nice backyard. "Don't be afraid to ask to borrow something. If I don't have it then you don't need it." He's a golfer, so give him a break.

-First piece of thrash that I threw away: used bug bomb canister

-First item in my refrigerator: 1 quart of Blue Bunny Lemonade.

-First bill: electric. $28.07.

-First major appliance purchased: New front-loading washer.

-First piece of new furniture purchased: leather couch with matching chair and ottoman.

-First significant problem with the house: shower drains exceptionally slowly.

I'm sure there are other firsts that I've already forgotten, but that does not concern me greatly. Maybe I'll include some more when I make my "house-related fifths" post next month.

Also, I'm still sleeping at my parent's house. Thirty days after the purchase and I'm still living at home. I'll leave it up to your imagination to figure out why.

This year's Dragon*Con was pretty good. For the first time in five years I left the convention without feeling that overwhelming sense of depression at having to leave behind something so grand and wonderful. I live a pretty unenviable life, you see, and I really don't have all that much to look forward to other than things like Dragon*Con. So sitting there in the Hyatt at 2:30pm on Monday thinking about how fast the weekend flew by, and dreading the return to my nothing-life in Omaha, has always dealt me with a very low blow. But, for reasons I shan't get into right now, I didn't really feel much of that this year. So that alone made for a pretty great Con experience. Care to know more?



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I got a very unusual call this morning from my district representative, Blant Crisweb. As it turns out, one of his aides had linked him to my cross-country journal here at Up!Scumbag HQ, telling him that he was in for a true reading treat. He was pleased that he was able to read my latest entry, but not very pleased at having to read my erotic story about Thor and his sister. So he asked if I might possibly include some direct links to my past road trip posts. Since I’m all for helping those who help others run the country, I think it would be a stellar idea to link to the previous six entries that he, and possibly you, are apparently too disinterested to search for. So enjoy:

Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six

And now, with a little bit of further ado:

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The chronicles of my 2001 cross-country trip continues with today's early morning post. In this installment you'll read about fierce bears, Interstate driving, and a potentially murderous hitchhiker with naught on his mind but the taste of a young man's kiss. You'll also discover which of the preceding examples I've embellished so as to hook the reader into clicking the below cut.

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Wow. Can you believe another year has just started to go by? It seems like just yesterday that it was 2006. It’s amazing to think that it was only three hours ago that 2007 rang her first chimes of the year.

Well, like most people, this is the time of year that I like to sit back and reflect on the past three hours – from the many lows to the many, many highs – and attempt to discover how I’ve changed as a person. Which personal growths have been my favorite? Which embarrassing moments do I wish never occurred? And, most importantly, give thanks to the people who’ve come into my life, for better or for worse.

So come along with me on a ride that will whisk us back 180 minutes into the past, and let’s together relive the chronologically ordered top ten most memorable highlights that has made this past three hours so very special.

10. 12:05am: I collected the six or seven tear-drenched Kleenex tissues from the floor of my office. Working through the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve was definitely one of my least favorite memories from the last three hours.

9. 12:35am: I updated my D&D character sheet. Madame Annelid, my illithid monk/psiconist, gained enough experience points to attain 7th-level mastery of both her classes. As a result her magic resistance increased by 5%, her base movement increased to 60ft per round, she gained 9 hit points, and I increased her constitution attribute to 18. I also updated the effects of her Glove of Vampiric Regeneration, Monocle of Magic Detection and Cloak of the Manta Ray. (For those wondering, the past three hours of 2007 was a most inspiring era for my D&D gaming.)

8. 12:52am: I visited the men’s room and washed my hands in preparation for…

7. 12:54am: …brushed and flossed my teeth. For most of 2007 I’ve had some pretty ghoulish breath, so I thought it paramount to finally do something about it. A quick mouth rejuvenation was just what the stink doctor didn’t order.

6. 1:17am: Possibly winning the award for 2007’s Most Oafish Person Paul Met was a truck driver identifying himself as Terry Dinkins. After being told that his load wouldn’t be ready to pick up for another four hours, Terry D. curtly informed me that I was stealing food off his children’s plates. He continued by intimating that it was my responsibility to guarantee that his load would be ready in 15 minutes, because his dispatch told him that the load would be ready at 1:00am. T. Dinkins then reiterated his position that his children would starve to death because I was the robber-baron personally responsible for snatching the food from their tiny little mouths. Let’s just hope that the next three hours of 2007 do not yield any more gentlemen of his ilk!

5. 1:32am: I checked my e-mail. I received a very nice letter from a friend asking if I’d be interested in joining his fantasy NASCAR league. I of course politely declined, seeing as how NASCAR is utterly stupid. But the invitation was a warmly received change from the usual dirty creeps I seemed to meet at every other turn. (Remember Terry Dinkins from 15 minutes ago?)

4. 1:59am: I drew a wang on the calendar hanging above the computer in my office. The photograph onto which I drew my phallic graffiti depicts an alpine skier on the verge of executing a wicked jump off a snowy precipice. He is hunched over, looking down to where he wants to land, and the expression on his face looks as if he’s screaming, “Oh man, this is gonna be aaaawesooooome!” Being the very funny and original humorist that I am, I drew an outrageously enormous penis sprouting from his groin and curing up towards his face. It looks like he’s trying to give himself a blow job! It’s hilarious!!!!!

3. 2:09am: This was a pretty uneventful few minutes, as I just sat in my chair in a dazed stupor for 13 minutes.

2. 2:22am: While I couldn’t necessarily say that my 2007 has thus far been overly stellar, it’s also not accurate to say that the year has been a total toilet flush. However, my luck took a turn for the glorious (and profitable) when a cash windfall came a’blowin’ at my door. As I was looking for my lost time card I began patting all the pockets of my work slacks. I felt an odd wad of something in my back pocket, so I reached my hand in to investigate. Guess what? I found ten bucks! Don’t know where it came from, don’t care none. I’m just glad I have a little extra safety net to fall back on in case my financial situation turns south.

1. 2:42am: By far the happiest event of the past year was when I got to leave work for the night. Working a 12-hour shift on New Year’s Eve isn’t something I want to do again at any point during the next year. So let’s all cross our fingers and hope that I can ride this wave of good fortune through the remaining 507,237 hours of 2007! See you next year, folks! :: wink! ::

Love always, true and through,
Paul [LastNameWithheldToProtectMyPrivacy]

Thanks to many hours' worth of down time at Dragon*Con this year, I was able to chronicle most of the weekend's events into a notebook so that I wouldn't have to rely upon my stale memory when writing these memoirs. So enjoy my recollections of Nights Thursday and Friday.

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Question: When applying a charcoal mask to mine facial features, am I suppose to slather the goop onto my face so that I can't see any skin underneath, or do I simply spread a light coating over my flesh so that my pinkened skin can be seen through the smears? My oily t-zone needs your help!

If you wish to stay on my friends list, speak now or forever wish you were reading my friends-only posts.

I suppose by now you've heard the news. It's been on all the 24-hour news channels and a few of the more prominent politiblogs. I won't go into very many details (as the news agencies have their facts pretty much in order), so I'll just keep this nice and short. Yes, yes it's true: I have yet another road trip update for you to read. Please enjoy.

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Day two of my Yellowstone Cavalade of Whisies was jam-packed with ghosts, creeps, the willies, and trolls. If your heart can stand the terror then read on. But it the very thought of horrible ghoulies frightens you then close your Internet now. NOOOOOWW!

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